Around Here: Week 34 2020

{August 16-22}

 

Growing... our little kitty right up. She is getting so big, so orange, and somehow less fluffy.  Her tail is at least 3x as long as it used to be, and while that is still fluffy, the rest of her hair is much shorter than it used to be.  When we got her she was more of a "peaches and cream" color, but as she has gotten older, she just keeps getting darker.  Some of her stripes are super dark orange and so gorgeous.  She is getting really tall, too, and can even get herself up on the boys' bunk beds, which delights them!
She likes to nurse on our sherpa blanket when we hold her and it's my favorite. 

Reading... The Two Lives of Lydia Bird; The Power of Vulnerability; Men, Women and Worthiness; Fierce, Free and Full of Fire; and The Princess Bride.  Whew! Big reading week!! 
The two by Brene Brown (Vulnerability & Worthiness) were so incredible and eye opening. The Power of Vulnerability covered a lot on shame, and talked about how we live in a culture of scarcity.  We wake up in the morning saying, "I didn't get enough sleep" and go bed saying, "I didn't get enough done." That really resonated with me and I am determined to change that mindset within myself. No wonder I constantly feel like a failure if that is how I am waking up and going to sleep.

Meeting... with my book club girls on Zoom and discussing The Giver of Stars.  I gave the book three stars, and I liked it okay, but it was a slow book, and I felt that The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek (which was also about the PackHorse Library) was so much better.

Feeling... shame about my weight that is not helping me with my emotional eating. When I took that face mask selfie in the bathroom mirror (see above) I couldn't believe how large I was. sigh.
I am going to be working on some self love mantras so I can appreciate this body for all she does for me and work on loving her, not loathing her.

Suffering... terrible anxiety.  Fear, terror, shaking, heart pounding, crying.  It has been miserable.  Josh heading back to work might have something to do with it, but I think mostly it is from not having control of anything lately, namely the boys' school experiences. I mean, yes, I could choose to send them back to school full time, but I don't feel like that's a good option for us, so it really isn't something I feel is a real choice.
I used to feel like I could do anything, but lately I don't have that "Wonder Woman" attitude.  I need a cape!!

Sharing... my struggle with anxiety on Facebook and Instagram and getting so much love. I am so grateful for my social media village who cheer me on from the sidelines when life gets hard.  And in my real life, I am grateful for my sister who came to visit and brought me a (decaf) caramel frappacino, and my sister-in-law who dropped a bag of humongous chocolate chip M&M cookies at my door one morning. She said hilariously, "I can't help you feel better, but I can help you eat those feelings." Haha! She gets me. I love her.

Remembering... to #seethegood (my goal for 2020) and trying to just enjoy small moments.  Bedtime with Carly is probably the easiest time for me to do this.  We read books together, sing songs and snuggle.  But I am also trying to enjoy little moments of peace throughout the day- watching a praying mantis in the yard with the kids, swimming in the pool with them, eating our dinner out front, etc. Staying in those moments and cherishing them helps keep the anxiety at bay.

Trying... to turn my anxiety and fear into gratitude as Brene Brown suggests.  When I get that tremor of terror as a thought of fear enters my mind, I instead use that moment to list all the things I am grateful for.  Example: I am checking Carly before I go to bed, making sure she's under the covers, all cozy and I suddenly think, "What if I lost her?!?" 
Instead of "going there", I think, "I am just so grateful she is here. I love when she hugs me with her arms tight around my neck and kisses me over and over and over.  I love how she says, "Mama love" when we're snuggling. I am so grateful I didn't give up hope after my miscarriages."
I try to replace the fear with gratitude.
I am retraining my brain. 

Aiming... to read 11 books in August.  I have only four more to go.  I have that as my goal because then I will be at 76 books so far in 2020, leaving me with 24 to read in four months, which averages out to six books per month, which feels doable with doing the whole distance learning/homeschooling four kids thing. Wish me luck. I really, really, really want to hit my 100 books in 2020 goal. 

Surviving... lots of migraines this week.  Thank God for my medicine.  For reals.

Grateful... for Tuesday & Wednesday when half the kids (alternating) went to Grandma's house.  Those days are so calm here (with only two kids) and we all enjoy a very chill day.  I usually blog or watch Grey's Anatomy. 

Sending... the twins off to work for my friend Shana, helping her organize her garage.  They were so excited for their first job making money, and I was so proud of them. And I'll be honest, it was great for me because I had the entire house to myself for a few hours.  The peace and calm I felt in those hours were unmatched.  I took a nap and it was the best sleep I've gotten in months. (Thanks Carol! Thanks Shana!)

Happy... that Carly is wearing her pink glasses again. They are so cute I can't stand it.

Enjoying... a break from the boys on Saturday while Josh took them to the land.  When he told me he was going to take them, though, my first thought was, "I don't deserve him.  Why is he so good to me?" Luckily I knew those weren't accurate thoughts, so I pushed them away and enjoyed the day with my girl.  We painted our nails and snuggled on the couch.  We read books and had lunch together.  It was the best day, and a much needed day off from full-on parenting where I could reset my spirit.

Asking... Carly who she loves the most in the whole world and melting into a puddle when she answered me before I had even finished asking the question: "Uncle Samuel. Because he holds me and reads to me and hugs me and loves me." Gah. To be loved by that girl is to experience the world at its best.

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Around Here: Week 33 2020

{August 9-15}

Singing... with my dad  as he played his guitar their last morning here.  Carly got out the ukulele and even joined us.  She's so cute.
It was so nice to sing with my dad. 
It inspired me to want to try and learn how to play the guitar, so I am adding that to my list of things to try in 2020. My favorite song we sang was Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Calling... my friend Kori when I got an email that felt like an ultimatum from our school district. (#dramaticmuch ?) They gave us three options, which is great, but only five days to choose, after which the district will make the choice for you.
It just felt quick and quite heavy!
Talking to my girlfriend helped, though, and made me feel far less alone.  We are all truly in this together, even if we are making different choices.  We're just trying to do what's best for our families in some hard, hard situations, and none of it feels great. We are all longing for normal, and trying to make the best of what life has become.

Leaving... the kids with my parents while Josh and I attended his sister's birthday BBQ.  It was so nice to visit with his parents and siblings without any kids interrupting or causing mischief, and the kids had the best time, shopping for art supplies at JoAnn's (their first outing since last time we shopped with my mom when she was here in June) and swimming in the pool when they got back home.  Logan & Jack also helped make shrimp for dinner and mom said it was delicious!
While we were at the party I was able to seek advice from Josh's dad and sister, and basically they assured me that I knew the right answer for where the kids need to be when school starts. It was comforting.

Sending... Josh back to work after months at home.  He had to work Monday through Thursday this week, and it.was.brutal.
For me.
(hah! To be fair, it was probably brutal for him, too.)
Having all four kids on my own after nearly six months of constant co-parenting was T.O.U.G.H.  It makes me very (very) anxious for having them all home in the fall.

Deciding... & selecting the online option (making it official) that the kids will be doing distance learning for at least the first semester of the 2020-2021 school year.  Two of the boys were upset when I told them, wishing so much that life would just resume normalcy.  One cried and the other was angry.  The third had expected as much and was more resigned to being home for at least the first half of the year.
We chose that option because a) we feel it is the safest option with Wyatt and his asthma and Logan and his (sometimes fever induced) seizures and b) it will provide the most consistency with regards to creating a routine for all of us.
But it's really important to me that other moms know that just because I chose not to send my kids doesn't mean that I judge moms who are sending their kids. I truly believe that every family is doing what's right for them, and I hold no judgment.  Only love and solidarity, sisters. Love and solidarity.

Reading... Kelle Hampton's words on her Instagram about deciding to distance learn with her kids and feeling so much kinship with her:

"We’re keeping our kids home and following our district’s online school plan with my own creative supplementation. Because it’s what works for our family? God, no. I think we can throw that deciding factor out in 2020. None of this fits into the tidy box of “what works for our family.”

[But]...for now, we’re going to do what we do

...find beauty in the unexpected."

Worrying... so much over Wyatt's asthma when one night he started coughing and throat clearing for no apparent reason.  His peak flow dipped by about 25-50 points and he needed a nebulizer treatment.  I was so scared.  He hasn't been sick in ages (!) which is fantastic, but it also means I am out of practice, so I sort of forgot the protocol.  I had to pull it up from the depths of my memory- counting his breaths, taking his oxygen reading and giving him albuterol. 
Luckily that was all he needed and he hasn't had another problem since. Phew!  I sure wish I knew why random attacks like that happen.  They are exhausting and scary!!

Dreaming... that I had Coronavirus.  I know it's because of Wyatt's random coughing and asthma.  It was so scary, I was very grateful to wake up!

Crazy grateful... to Jack's art teacher who taught him all the skills he is using to keep from going nuts during quarantine currently.  He is painting, drawing and doing wood burning with the tool my mom bought him. 
I had been thinking of emailing his teacher when he happened to end up in line behind us at the McDonald's drive through one afternoon, so instead I bought his lunch. :)  Teachers just constantly make the world a better place and I love them.

Making... salads again for Josh for lunch at work and realizing how much I miss our routine and regular life.  I know the transition will be hard, but I am looking forward to settling back into it once the newness wears off.

Enjoying... the change of dynamic on Tuesday and Wednesday as Carol had Jack & Wyatt, and then Carly & Logan.  On Tuesday Carly & Logan swam and swam at home, and Logan was so sweet with Carly, it melted my heart.  Then on Wednesday, Ferris came over and he and Jack spent a ton of time in the pool while Wyatt had a playdate with Milo in Wenatchee. It's constantly crazy to me how adding or subtracting just one kid can change the way things go that day.

Driving... to Quincy early Wednesday morning to do a cousin switch with my sister (as mentioned above) and listening to an audiobook on the way while downing a huge mug of coffee. A long drive and a good audiobook may just be one of my favorite things.

Taking... Grady to the vet at the last minute when he was feeling down on Thursday.  He seemed to have a fever and was lethargic, plus he wouldn't let me pet him by his shoulder blades.
I was SO glad I took him in. It turns out he had a skin infection and a high fever.  The vet gave him pain meds as well as antibiotics (and a reverse mohawk so she could really see his skin on his back- haha- poor pup!) and within two days he was visibly feeling better. Hallelujah!!

Reading... The Pull of the Stars, and The Girls of 17 Swann Street on audio (HIGHLY recommend both!); and Evvie Drake Starts Over and The Two Lives of Lydia Bird.  I finished Evvie Drake in like three days- so good!, and am still working through The Two Lives, but am liking it.

Still Watching... Grey's Anatomy.  I am only on Season Six, but oh how I love it. I can't believe I never watched it before now!

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The Beach {August 2020}

Our day at the beach visiting my grandparents was beautiful.  The weather was beautiful, the company was beautiful, and the time with my husband was beautiful.  I was so grateful to wrap my arms around my grandma and hug her with all my might.  I was also so grateful to share a meal with my grandparents and to spend an afternoon sitting in the sand with Josh, talking about life with him.  

This trip was just what my heart needed.

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