A Month of Summer

Four weeks of summer was all I needed. 

To get my sanity, my joy, my self back.  

On July 17th, I sat back and thought, "I am so happy.  Content. At peace."  I thought about how hard the fall, winter and spring truly were with our boys learning {mostly} at home, and I felt so grateful that summer had come exactly one month earlier (June 18th was our last day of school) and ushered in the relief we all needed.

Week after week; day after day; suffering at the hands of my children COVID and quarantine and distance learning, it turns out all I needed was an entire month off. 

Hah.

We watched movies. We went camping. We swam.  We slept.  We laughed.  We lived together.  We loved.  We didn't argue once over Google Classroom, attendance log-ins or Class Meets.  We had not one conversation about cameras being turned on; work being turned in; or music being turned down during assignments.  And it was a blessed relief. 

We celebrated Father's Day; got the twins' second dose of vaccine; spent time with cousins on both sides; and hosted a super fun fourth of July party.  I continued with my bi-weekly counseling; took all four kids to the dentist where we had zero cavities; and we hit 90 days post-medication for Logan (a big deal! He was most likely to have a breakthrough seizure during the first 90 days following him being weaned off his epilepsy meds, but he didn't! He has officially outgrown his seizures!)  I got to meet for book club in person; made cake and celebrated Josh's birthday; and sent the twins to a Mariner's game with their dad, much to their delight.  I (nervously) watched my sister's girls (ages 3 & 6 months) so she could take her boys (and Wyatt) to the water park and cross it off their summer bucket list.  We also went kayaking; made smores; rubbed sunscreen and aloe on each other after long days in the sun; and collected fresh, tiny, red strawberries from our garden. I read books; wore the bikini; ate cold watermelon; and fell in love with Carly's vibrant, colorful, uninhibited art. I watched my dahlias bloom, and started a paint by number (thanks to my friend Kristina who sent me one. Love you girl!) 

I started Mine To Tell, something that is all my own.  A writing class where I am attempting to pull together all that I lived through during our time in the village in Alaska.  I prepared for a garage sale that has kick started the most intense home organization/simplification that I have ever executed. I have faced what fall will bring (all four kids in school for the first time ever), which leaves me feeling both terrified and ecstatic, and am content to just take each day as it comes.  I am soaking up all the days of summer, and am not borrowing trouble worrying about school, sick days or masks.  What's coming will come and we'll face it when it does. 

I have dealt with heartache that's left me sobbing, gasping for breath; and I have experienced the euphoric joy that comes from knowing (down to my bones) that I am beloved for just who I am. 

Here's hoping my second month of summer vacation is as calm, relaxed, soothing, and fun as the first month was. 

***

around here: week 24 2021

 {June 6-12th}

{32 weeks pregnant/Spring 2008}

 

Finished... reading The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah.  I was disappointed majorly in this book.  I ended up giving it only two stars.  I was invested in the story, but certain parts of it were so rushed!! It was awful. Uncomfortable and unrealistic.

Reading... Meg & Jo by Virginia Kantra and rereading The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison.  Meg & Jo is a modern retelling of the sisters from Little Women, and I am reading it in preparation of Beth & Amy, which I preordered and have been looking forward to for a year. 
The Gift of an Ordinary Day is the most comforting book about motherhood, offering little insights & inspiration on every page. 

Starting... our next book club book, The Book of Lost Friends, and liking it more than I thought I would.  It's a huge book, so I'm going to have to read my heart out to get it finished before book club next week!!

Making... a hard phone call to address some big emotions and feeling proud of myself for doing it. I used to avoid confrontation at all costs, but my counselor brought it to my attention and said to me:
"So you avoid confrontation to keep other people from feeling uncomfortable, but then you feel uncomfortable?" I was like, Oh Em Gee. She's right. I am sacrificing my needs to keep others happy.  And that's no way to live.

Celebrating... Logan & Jack's 13th birthday with a family party at my mom's house and hosting a fight (Logan Paul and Floyd Mayweather) for the twins and some of the guys at our house.  We ordered chicken wings, and I made cupcakes.  They had a great time.  Logan got a punching bag for him and Jack and they were thrilled.  

Enjoying... a tea party with Carly one morning after I had told her I couldn't play because I was paying bills and she said, "I wish you were my sister," because I told her that moms have to work. It's just a fact of life. 
Clever girl.

Finding... Josh crawling into bed at 5:30am Sunday morning after working through the night on his car with his brother.  His car is done, it's fixed, and we are all so thrilled! Way to go, guys!

Taking... Carly to (drive through) kindergarten round up, where she got to meet her four (potential) kindergarten teachers, and was given a pack of activities for summer/school prep.  It got her so pumped.  As we drove home, she said, "I'm not going to be able to sleep a wink tonight! I'm too excited!" Gosh I love her enthusiasm.  

Experiencing... anxiety Tuesday & Wednesday about the future. Specifically about Carly starting kindergarten and whether Josh was going to expect me to go back to work or not.  I had to remind myself that I am safe with Josh, and asked him what his expectations were for the fall.  He was so kind, ever my soft place to land, and assured me that he does not expect me to return to the workforce.  He is worried that my anxiety or depression might get the best of me with no kids here to keep me on routine, so he wants me to be sure I'm taking care of myself, but otherwise, he is 100% fine with me continuing my role as a stay at home mom.  
The relief that came from having that conversation is immeasurable. 

Joining... my book club ladies in a health challenge.  Each week we are encouraged to workout, eat our fruits & veggies, drink plenty of water (along with some other things) and keep track of the points we have accumulated.  We each donated $20 to a pot, and whoever gets the most points, will win that!  I am not doing every thing I can to earn every single point, but instead am slowly building what healthy habits I'm doing each week.  64 ounces of water each day the first week, working out the second week, etc. 

Attending... Wyatt's last baseball practice where he got a pizza party and trophy.  While he palled around with his teammates, Carly and I played at the park and I got some super cute pictures of her. 

Hanging... out with Samuel & Josh on Thursday after the kids had gone to bed, and it was so fun.  Those guys are FUNNY and they make me feel relaxed, in the moment, and funny myself.  

Grateful... for Josh's last day this Friday.  What a year it has been!! Our kids, meanwhile, have another week left, and we are over it.  Because of that, I let Wyatt stay home Friday.  He took a mental health day, and it was much (MUCH) needed.  We are all OVER IT and I may be counting down to summer more enthusiastically than the kids are. 

Logging on... to Doctor on Demand to meet with my counselor, and talking about:

• the hard conversation I had this week
• my anxiety about Carly going to school & what it means for my future as a SAHM
• focusing on body positivity

She said speaking up for myself is a way of maintaining my own integrity, and that she was proud of me for having the hard phone convo.  She was also proud that I talked to Josh about his expectations for next year because it was bothering me so much to not know. 

We ended our session deciding that I needed to spend some time immersed in researching the value of stay-at-home-mothers since I tend to devalue what I do. 

In case you are a stay-at-home mom questioning your own value, I will cite what I found on verywellfamily.com

• My focus is 100% on my family
• I am able to spend time with my spouse
• Time invested raising kids
• Cleaning the house
• Running our life/calendar
• I make life easier for my spouse
• I make life smoother for my kids
• I don't miss out on milestones
• I am in charge of setting & keeping our family traditions
• I am there every step of the way
• I am my children's first, most influential teacher
• Duties included:
•     nurse
•     chauffeur
•     chef
•     teacher
•     playmate
•     housekeeper
•     school involvement/volunteering
•     laundry attendant
•     accountant
•     baby sitter
•     organizer
•     planner
•     grocery shopper
•     counselor
•     pet keeper
•     socializer
•     routine keeper
• What makes it hard includes:
•     No sick pay
•     No vacation
•     I am ALWAYS on duty, 24/7

In conclusion, the article said I do contribute to my family, I just don't contribute a paycheck.  If I were paid for my work as a SAHM, the website said I would make $143,102 per year for all that I do. 

(Please, please, please, if you are a working mom, do not take this to mean that any of this is not ALSO true for you. It is. You do all of this AND have a job outside the home on top of that.  I am impressed by you and am cheering for you! I just needed to dig into what it is I do here so I could feel a little better about what I am adding to our household. xoxo)

Walking... with my friend Becky and loving the time we share because it doesn't feel like exercise. It just feels like time with my girlfriend, chatting about life. It's awesome!

Planning... Wyatt's birthday pool party and feeling disbelief that he will be ten.

Dressing up... to go out with my bestie and her friends at Michael's on the Lake for her birthday.  We had the best time- great food, amazing dessert, and even better company.  Gosh, I am always so grateful for social time.

Writing... a post about rocking chairs, and what it's like to reach the end of that era of my life. It feels surreal that the part of my life I looked most forward to (having babies and raising toddlers) is already over.  Thankfully this stage is lots more fun than I would have imagined, but there is still a mourning in letting go of what has passed. 

Joining... my writing group (Mine To Tell) and writing about our bedroom in Alaska.  It was a great jumping off point for much of my story, which has me excited about what is to come. (Mine To Tell is a writing group with leaders Kathy & Ashmae, that meets on Tuesdays to write and gives you access to all sorts of writing courses they've made in the past. It's helping me get in touch with "Shelly", as opposed to "Logan, Jack, Wyatt & Carly's mom", and reminds me how much I love writing. I am loving it.)

Loving... the kids doing the dishes each day.  It's funny, but as they have gotten older, it's gotten harder for me (somehow) to keep up with the daily chores. I feel constantly behind on laundry and dishes, so having them jump into a rotation (Logan, Jack, Wyatt, repeat) of loading the dishwasher and unloading it, has relieved the burden on my shoulders a lot. 

***

{I needed this message this week!}

My kids have started guarding me from the other kids if I'm eating and they know I'm hangry.  It is equal parts sad and AWESOME. "No! Don't interrupt her. She needs to eat!" 

{Hate how accurate this is}

I bought myself this sweatshirt.
To remind myself:
"I'm doing THE BEST I can"

***