{September 22-28th}
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| Rules for four square at Wyatt's cousins' birthday party Gosh I love these boys |
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| Grandma Pansy & Kamala Harris |
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| ADHD symptoms according to Penn Holderness' book |
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| ADHD symptoms according to Penn Holderness' book |
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| Love these cuties so much! |
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| Behind the toaster oven. Eww! |
Cleaning... house, per usual, on Sunday with the family. It always feels good to get it ready for the week. We also make sure the boys do any missing homework and we catch up on last minute stuff. I clean out the fridge & pantry and we usually have a nice, sit down dinner as well.
Subbing... in Carly's classroom and feeling so lucky to get to share those kids with her teacher sometimes. They are the best class, seriously. I adore them!
Loving... Carly's style so much. It's definitely all her own and more her fashionable than my own style. I hope she always feel the confidence she has now.
Still... cleaning the kitchen even though we are on to Week Two of the @gocleanco challenge and I should be moving on to bathrooms already. Sigh.
Sitting... in my room Tuesday after school with Carly when Jack came in and asked Carly to go in her room. The boys will do this sometimes if they want/need to talk to me, so it wasn't unusual. I'm always grateful if they think to protect her young ears from something. But what he said next I could have never predicted. He told me that he'd been feeling pretty bad lately and that in fact he'd been thinking about killing himself*.
He told me that he'd been telling his friend Brennen at school and Brennen said, "Jack, you gotta tell your parents." When I tell you that I am grateful for Brennen... words don't begin to describe it. Truly.
I believe I moved through the motions of this conversation with Jack appropriately, but I think my soul left my body a little bit as I navigated through it. I was in shock, for sure, and so sad for my boy. My sweet, funny, dimpled boy who normally brings such joy to those around him. To know that he's been struggling so deeply was really hard to hear. And, I imagine, even harder to share.
I was crazy proud of him for telling me; for reaching out for help; and for knowing that he doesn't have to face this alone. I asked him how he had planned to hurt himself and he said he'd been thinking to take his truck for a drive and not come back (ie- go really fast and crash). At this point I asked him if we could please invite his dad to join the conversation. He said yes.
Jack mentioned he felt like he didn't deserve to feel so depressed because he has a good life and we had a really good talk about how depression doesn't play favorites. Anyone can be depressed, no matter how "good" or "bad" their life may seem objectively. It's simply a chemical imbalance in your brain, sometimes brought on by a life event, sometimes not, and that seeking help is the first step toward getting better. Josh and I decided Jack's life was not in imminent danger that night as long as he didn't have access to keys, so we made an appointment for the following morning with his primary care doctor and after many long, tearful hugs, we made our way downstairs to make dinner for the family.
Over the next few days watching Jack struggle with eating, sleeping and making decisions, I tearfully promised him that he would get better. That I had been in that hopeless pit of depression (after my back-to-back miscarriages in 2014) and felt those same feelings and I swore to him that his spark would come back. I promised that I knew it was hard to believe me, but he had to.
Taking... Jack to the doctor on Wednesday morning to discuss his depression and suicidal ideation. His appointment went as well as could be expected. Honestly the hardest part for me was trying not to burst into tears at random moments- while checking in, while he was answering the questionnaire, while telling the nurse why we were there, etc. His doctor was very kind and suggested we start him on some depression medication and started with the meds that I'm on since medications that work well for one family member tend to work well for other family members. So he will be taking Cymbalta.
Learning... that for the first two weeks that he is on the anti-depressants, the first thing to improve will be his energy, but he will still feel depressed. That's why suicide is more likely during that time. Because people still feel really depressed, but suddenly they have the energy to carry out their plans. So for the next two weeks he cannot be left alone, and he cannot drive any vehicles. He's really upset about not being able to drive (he loves driving) but he also understands.
Arriving... home from that appointment to a house full of teenagers. Jack's three best friends, his twin brother and his girlfriend were all at the house when we got back from his appointment because they wanted to show their support for him. While they were there, we talked about mental health and how important it is to tell someone if you're struggling. They each shared, super casually, the different ways they have suffered, and then ate Taco Bell, laughing loudly, like regular teenage boys, slurping down Baja Blast like thirsty men in the desert and before I knew it, the house was empty and they had all, even Jack, gone back to school.
Waiting... for an hour that afternoon in Rite Aid for Jack's prescription to be filled so he could start his medication that very night. Knowing how important and scary those first 14 days were going to be, I wanted the clock to start ASAP, so Carly and I sat in their sad, dingy blue chairs, playing the word game she loves, until they called me. By the end of this week, he had taken four pills and had zero negative side effects, which was very exciting. I just feel like I am spending my days willing time to pass. Something I am noticing as I research and learn more about depression (I've only experienced it myself maybe once or twice, lightly) is that its recovery is painfully slow. Things you do to get better are literal drops in a bucket. Workout. Sleep. Take your meds. Eat. Laugh. Slowly, slowly... you start to notice you can eat without food tasting bland. You start to be able to make jokes again. You start to be able to make choices again without feeling fatigued. But it's oh-so-slow.
Being... diagnosed Topomax as a migraine-prevention and weight-loss aid medication. During my appointment with my doctor we talked about how my monthly shot (Ajovy) was not preventing my migraines at all (I still get around 7 per month, give or take a lot) and about how with my fibromyalgia I have struggled to lose weight. I'm stuck at 265lbs and have been for over a year now. I have been on Topomax once before, but it was during a really hectic time in my life so I don't remember much- but I re-read my journal from that time period and did find that I had gone 24 days without a migraine which is unheard of currently. So that gives me hope!! I'll keep you posted, for sure.
Feeling... proud when I came up to bed to find a note from Carly along with her Junie B. Jones book that said, "I finished, lol". She's such a little reader and I just love it.
Reading... Anne of Ingleside as Anne of Green Gables books are always my go-to when I am struggling to read or having too stressful of a real life to invest in a fake one (hah). Also started Here One Moment before the shit all hit the fan. I think I'm going to LOVE it. Liane Moriarty is an automatic purchase for me. I've read ALL her books. I'm also reading bits and pieces of Devotions by Mary Oliver, which is different poems from her collections over the years. They make me want to spend more time in nature. And finally, I started a new audiobook, A Well Trained Wife by Tia Levings, which is so good.
Discovering... that the school district's program that should be calling us when the twin's miss class isn't calling us, and they've been skipping (and are failing) a lot of classes. Good lord, does it ever stop? I am so damn weary. So in addition to dealing with Jack's mental health issues and my lack of a job this year, now the twins are grounded and they're failing some classes. Sigh. Getting them to graduation just might be the death of me.
Canceling... my sub job for Friday when I felt a sinus infection coming on. I instead spent Friday at the doctors office seeing the same day clinic doctor who pushed on my face and confirmed it was indeed a sinus infection. I sent a picture of the empty waiting room when I got there to my sister (who has five kids) and told her you know life is crap when a waiting room feels like vacation. lol) When I got home and couldn't get back off the couch, my amazing husband went and picked up my antibiotic prescription (along with my Topomax) so I could start it right away and get to feeling better. So lucky to have that man.
Answering... a phone call on Friday telling me that Logan had been suspended for fifteen days for shooting an orbeez (imagine a marble made of water?) gun during lunch time, but because it's a gun, it has to be treated as a weapon, so the consequence is very serious. Logan cannot afford to be suspended for three weeks of school and my mama heart cannot take this bullshit right now on top of what Jack is going through. But as they say, when it rains, it pours. So, bring on the rain.
Driving... Jack, Logan and Easton over to Kendal's for some pre-homecoming photos and being blown away by those gorgeous girlies. Carly gasped as each girl emerged from behind the vehicle they had parked behind. It was so precious. I know when I was her age, I would have died to see girls all dressed up for a dance. And these dresses were sparkly, no less!!! It helps that I also adore Cadence. She's cute even in sweat pants and no make up. This was Jack's first fancy dance and he looked so handsome. Gah, my little baby guy is growing up!
Laughing... as Wyatt's Sully costume arrived and he tried it on. He looks amazing and I can't wait to see him matched up with his cousin Milo as Mike from Monsters, Inc. They're going to be so cute!
Getting... the best deal on cute candles from Walmart. I'm telling you, run don't walk on these! Better Homes And Gardens Candles that a) smell amazing b) have a wooden wick c) look cute and d) have an easy peel label and are ONLY $5!!! They would make an amazing gift for a friend, acquaintance or teacher in your life that you need a present for! They all smell amazing, but my favorites are the Soft Cashmere & Amber (like a warm vanilla/home smell), Blue Fern & Citrus, and Noble Fir & Pine (Hello Christmas!). So yummy!!!
Attending... book club and feeling so grateful for those ladies and their unending support and encouragement. They are so positive and just made me feel like what's happening with Jack isn't my fault, but in fact is because I am exactly the right person to help him through it, which is not what my jackass brain says to me. It was so nice. I love you ladies so much!!!
Starting... Gilmore Girls because I need a little soothing joy in my life, and Gilmore Girls is just that. It's familiar and fun and light and it's bringing me some much needed smiles. This has just been honestly the most stressful week I have had in years, and with little to no sleep, there has been no reading, so starting a show has been a great distraction.
Catching... up the blog in bits and pieces, which feels really good. It's wild that I graduated in May and still feel like I'm getting my feet under me in certain ways. But I guess that makes since, seeing as I was in school for 18 months. It's going to take time to feel like life is "back to normal", whatever that is.
Meeting... my Sisterhood book club (which is with my three sister-in-laws & me) at the coffee shop to catch up on life and talk about Monday's Not Coming by Tiffany D. Jackson. I found that during this tumultuous week where so many things felt outside my control, having my village come beside me to hold me up, encourage me and remind me of my strength felt really amazing. I am very blessed.
Shopping... at the bookstore near the coffee shop after book club was over. I got myself a bookish advent calendar, two books, some stickers, and some postcards & bookmarks. Then I took the kids (Logan, Easton & Carly) to get dinner since Wyatt was in Wenatchee for his cousin Milo's birthday party and Jack was at homecoming with Cadence. I sent Wyatt to Wenatchee (for said birthday party) with no gift (my brain is just too full, I tell you) but thankfully my parents came to the rescue and my dad took him shopping and my mom helped him wrap it (thanks Nanny & Papa!) and all was well despite my blunder.
Feeling... sad when I saw Logan's skateboard snapped in half in the garage. He was riding and it just CRACK! Donezo. Thankfully my mom knows the guys at the skate shop in Wenatchee so she is going to get him a new one.
*shared with Jack's explicit permission, which I am so grateful for because I know I am not the only mom who has been through this or will go through this and the more we can talk about mental health, the less stigma will be attached to it. I think that Jack has been really brave through all of this, sharing his journey with everyone and talking openly about it. I hope that he never has to go through it again, but with his family tree, he likely will, so it's really important that his toolbox be filled with tools he can use when it comes up. Medication, exercise, therapy, sleep, mindfulness, reaching out, thought correction... these are all powerful things we can use to combat mental illness. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. You can call 988 to talk to someone.
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