A break is a very good thing...

 We got back from the beach this afternoon.  We had an awesome time, slept a lot (hallelujah!), had some laughs and had plenty of down time.  It's true what they say, a break is a very good thing.

 I found that even though the boys woke up from naps tantruming like crazy, I was a more patient, kind and loving mommy than I had been last week.  And today I was able to meet a goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year.  My goal was to have one day where I went to bed with no regrets.  One day where I fell asleep knowing I was the BEST mommy I could be, all day long, no exceptions.  And today was that day.

 I feel amazing.  I plan to aim for my goal again tomorrow.  We'll see how it goes. Here's hoping I am able to keep my patience level up, my stress level down, and keep from overreacting. 

 We spent a casual afternoon at home, watching the Superbowl with the boys.  Then we fed them dinner, I gave them baths and we read stories and put them to bed.

{Logan}

 They snuggled in and after a few times going back in, they fell asleep.

{Jack}

 I missed them so much. It was wonderful to have a fun family day with them before it's "back to the grind" tomorrow.

twins x2

{Ilya, Logan, Dagan & Jack}

The other night we had dinner at my mom's and Dagan & Ilya, the "original" twins in my life came over to visit.  (My mom began baby-sitting the twins when they were 3 months old back in 2002). They recently turned nine and were so great with the boys.  They shared their toys, chased them all over the house, and Ilya in particular tried really hard to tell them apart. It was a really fun night for all!

two years...

It's been two years since Piper lost her twin sister, Tuesday.  At just over two years old, Tuesday died of cancer.  Her mom hasn't held her in 24 months. Her twin has celebrated two birthdays alone.

Breaks my heart.

I'm thinking of you tonight,

Jessica Kate.

I am so sorry.

Currently...

Reading: Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult and Family Circle & Marie Claire magazines.

Looking forward to: Mine and Josh's weekend getaway to the coast. I can't wait!

Stressing about: How we will pay the bills this month. Having two weeks off in December is fun... until the paycheck a month later is two weeks short. Eek!

Craving: Panda Express Orange Chicken and a Sprite

Wanting: to buy books.  I love new books.

Proud of myself for: being able to let go of control of some things.

Wearing: Old Navy yoga pants, a borrowed pregnancy shirt & a Columbia fleece.

Avoiding: The pile of sheets I need to go through & fold. And the laundry. And the mess in my room.  Oh, and the closet in the living room. 

Sick of: drama.

Learning: about myself.

Suffering from:  Anxiety & panic attacks.  They are occurring more and more often.  I just wish I could get a handle on them.

Struggling with: parenting/disciplining the boys.  They are just at each others' throats lately, wrestling all the time, tantruming over every tiny thing and wanting to be independent.

Overcoming: Depression.  It was pretty bad in early December and I am doing much better, thankfully.  Between counseling, some behavior changes, and my no longer being sick or nauseous, I am on my way back to being me.

Hoping to: be able to stay home with my kids next year.

Excited for: this summer- a new baby, a double third-birthday party, fourth of July, swimming, camping & so much more to look forward to.

Relieved by: the results of our recent ultrasound. Babyham looks totally healthy.

Splurging on: Carter's clothes for Logan, Jack & Babyham. They were having sales like nuts (40%, BOGO and an additional 20% cause I had a coupon!) and everything is so super cute!

Thanks, Emily, for the survey. :)

{love}

 So you may have noticed my new background. I am all set for Valentine's Day this year.  I may not have lots of money, I may not be a SAHM like I want, and I may not live in a great place (or even an okay place), but the one thing I do have is plenty of love.  I have love to give, and I have so much love given to me.  Just tonight as I was tucking Logan in, Jack came up behind me and said, "I'm rubbing your back, mommy."  These boys melt me!

 Josh and I are currently planning a weekend getaway (thank you everyone involved in helping watch the kiddos!!!) and we are so super-duper excited. A chance to get away, just the two of us, for some much needed respite, and maybe even a full nights' sleep! Just the knowledge of the trip is helping me get through each day.  Knowing that soon I will have a quiet afternoon to read a book or take a nap has stretched my patience and put a smile on my face.
And trust me, I needed a smile today- I woke up at 4:43am to my children jumping on their beds, up for the day; then I went back into our room to turn the fan up (it has to be loud to block out our obnoxious children) so Josh could keep sleeping, but it was dark in there and I thwacked my head on the bassinet so hard that the sound woke Josh up and I proceeded to bawl while he held my hand until the throbbing died down; then I received an e-mail that said that my property management company did not smell any problem in my bathroom (they came out Friday afternoon after some work was completed under the house and rendered our bathroom useless due to the toxic chemical smell that was present) and that they did not plan on doing anything to address said problem since they didn't believe one existed; and then I discovered I hurt one of my friends' feelings unbeknownst to me and as I recounted the situation I discovered my mistake... And this was all before 8:30am.  Most of you were probably not even up yet.
(Thank God my dad was, as I called him sobbing while the boys ate breakfast.) 

Ack.

 So, smiling... I need to do more of it. And planning this weekend retreat is doing the trick.  I even got my February magazines, and they are setting the tone for our trip.  I got a "Date Night Cheat Sheet" that lists fun questions to ask your spouse while you are out together that do not revolve around work or children. My favorites?

• How would you spent $10,000,000?
• If you could try any job for a year, what would it be?
• What part of life would you want to relive?
• What would you do if you had only ten years left to live?

I also came across an interesting article on soul mates.  I am pretty romantic, so I thought I believed in soul mates. Then I read this:

"Two thirds of Americans believe in soul mates.  Those believers are 150% more likely to divorce than people who think there could be more than one right person for them.  It seems contradictory, but those who hold an overly romanticized view of marriage may think they're with the wrong person if things get rough.  Reality check: Every relationship takes work, and even someone who's "perfect" for you will drive you nuts sometimes!"  (Redbook February 2011) 
It was good to read. To hear that when things are rough, that just means that things are real.  Feels good.

 So does the little boy jumping around in my belly. He's really a mover and a shaker, and I am so enjoying it. Now that I am not nauseous or sick, I have really been able to focus on the fact that there is a real live little baby in there, just waiting for June when he can make his debut.  I wonder what he will look like- is it possible Josh & I combine to only make Jack & Logan look-alikes? I also wonder what his personality will be like, and what it will be like to have only one child at each various stage.  I wonder how I will possibly love another kid as much as I love the boys.  I always hated when moms would say that on "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC. They would have this four year old and they'd go on and on about how they were just worried about how the baby would impact the older kid and about how they couldn't imagine possibly  having that same kind of love for a new baby, and I always thought they were such idiots. Well, I am an idiot. 

I am so worried about how Logan & Jack will respond to their baby brother, how it will change the family dynamics and if I will really, truly love him like I love them. I can't imagine it. I know that I will, but I can't imagine it.

 So there you have it.

My Saturday night thoughts on love.

Here's hoping February holds

{lots of love}

for you & yours!

My "Super" Survey

1. Based on your performance this past week in whatever you do, what would have been your Superhero name?

"Detail Oriented Woman" Lame, I know. But true. Especially at work!!!

2. This week what has been super terrific and what has been super lame?

SUPER TERRIFIC: Planning a weekend getaway with my husband for next week!

SUPER LAME: The boys waking up at 4:30am.

3. Which of Superwoman's abilities would've been the most useful this week?

The ability to be in two places at once. Not sure if she can do that, but it would have been very helpful!

4. What do you most expect will be super fun this weekend?

My boss gave me her massage for tomorrow morning. I can't wait!!!

5. What are your thoughts on the upcoming Super Bowl?

It's going to be super for Josh, and not so super for me!

Thankful Thursday

 I am thankful today was sunny!

 I am thankful my children are able bodied.

 I am thankful that I can feed & dress the boys.

 I am thankful that I felt productive at work today.

 I am thankful for the beauty of nature.

 I am thankful for chocolate!

 I am thankful for the opportunity to sing

"You Are My Sunshine"

to Jack each night.

 I am thankful to have Josh as my partner.

 I am thankful for the giggles I hear as I chase Logan down the hall.

 And for all the funny moments that get me through the day.

(*Here Logan is closing his eyes cause "it's too sunny, mommy!")

133 weeks

"You could be waiting for a day that won't come,
And you could be so much more than you've become.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,

But you could be waiting for a day that won't come...

You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And you could be so much more than you've been.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
You could be waiting for your life to begin.

And it's so sad,
You're so good and I'm so bad!
But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had.

And it's such a shame,
That I can't tell you anything!
You won't hear me still you endear me now!

Hard to see past the window facing forward looking back,
Over years spent tracing wondering how you left your track.
Underwater breathing burns your lungs and breaks your back,
  But you could be waiting right here for a day that won't come."

-Nine Days

I listened to this album from high school today and the lyrics totally spoke to me. The day I am waiting for may never come.  Being a stay at home mom, my dream, may never come true. This is something I really need to work on getting over. Even as I write this I have trouble believing it. But I have spent the last 133 weeks waiting for that dream to come true. I wouldn't say my life has been on hold all that time, but I would say that there are days I haven't lived to the fullest.  Days that I have been just waiting for my life to begin.  But my life has begun. It's here. Right now. With my husband and my children. With my students at work.  With my family.

This emotional journey I have been on for the last five 

months has been full of ups and downs. 

Some things I've learned? 

The things I know for sure?

I can be a good mom even if I work.

I am loved.

My kids don't care how I look, only how I feel.

It's easier to give in to the sadness than to fight against it.

It's harder to watch your spouse feel lost than it is to be the one feeling lost.

Music speaks to me.

No one else has walked in my shoes.

 I know what is best for my children.

I would do anything for them.

Even if that means being without them some of the time.

I love my  husband.

It can always be worse.

Stress is cumulative.
Sometimes distance is necessary.

Breathing helps.

You're never too old to sleep with a bubba.

Everyone needs a good hug now and then.

A good book really is a great escape.

I adore my boys.

They are my only priority.

Guilty pleasures can bring joy.

I heart my Ipod.  

Girlfriends are necessary.  

I miss the sunshine.

It will return.

 and

I will, too. 

Baby Name List

I am looking for both feedback & suggestions for a name for our beloved Babyham.  

(Here's a little background on the name "Babyham"- I work in a special needs class with students who have autism, Down Syndrome, and other types of mental handicaps. We had a new little girl last year who had Down Syndrome and she called me "Mommyham" instead of "Cunningham" like the other kids.  Then for sharing one Friday I brought in one of my favorite pictures of Logan & I. 

She took one look at it and goes, "Aww, Babyham!"  

The nickname stuck for the boys and I have even sought out a new URL for my blogspot for when the baby is born that is called Babyham Blessings.)

 THE LIST:

Reid

Hudson

Atley

Saul

Trevor

Frankie

Everett

Wyatt

Charlie

Sam

Leo

This is by no means complete, but these are the names we have come across and not rejected.  Middle names we've been mulling over include Nathaniel after Josh's favorite cousin and Joel which is my grandmothers' brothers' name.

Let me know what you think of this list and what your idea of the perfect name would be for Babyham.  I am open to ALL suggestions, as I know that when the right name comes along I will feel it in my bones, just like I did with Logan & Jack.

Can't wait to read your ideas!

better...

(The boys were a chocolatey mess after dessert, so we went straight from the table to bath time- hence the dirty bubs!)
 Things around here have been better. Or at least I have been better.  I am no longer nauseous. I haven't been sick in weeks. And I am (finally!) getting excited for the baby.  Now if we could just find a name for him!
 
Now for the real reason you're reading this:
THE BOYS!!!

 Logan is in the height of tantrum throwing, but is also becoming more aware of others' feelings. If he senses that I am upset (read: angry) he says in the most syrupy sweet two year old voice, "Hi, mommy!"  He melts me with his hugs and spontaneous kisses.  He has also been more aware of Jack's feelings. When he hurts Jack or Jack gets injured he runs to the fridge to get the "Nemo" cold pack for him. Or he finds Jack's Santa Bear and gives it to him. It makes for proud mommy moments, that's for sure.

In addition to understanding our feelings, he is growing more and more successful at potty training. He isn't as scared of going on the potty and LOVES the special treats (chocolate kisses) he gets when he does it.  He runs out, down the hallway shouting, "I pooped! I pooped!"  So precious to see that excitement on his face!

 Jack is in a pretty tender phase right now. He's discovering there is a lot to be afraid of in this big world, and I'm having to teach him that I will take care of him.  He is afraid of the dark, monsters under the bed, Ninja turtles and workers of any kind coming into the house.  I have to repeat to him, "You don't have to be afraid. Mommy will take care of you."  He will still cry & tremble, but he doesn't completely melt down.

He is also aware of others' feelings and he will ask, "Mommy are you happy at me?" when I am upset with Logan for misbehavior. I smile and say, "Yes, because you are following directions."  Then Logan will pipe up saying, "I following directions, mommy!" Gotta love that.

They have both been teething all four two-year molars and I think that may be what's responsible for our early morning rising the last month. They've been waking up around 4am (for the day!) off and on since before Christmas.  We've made a few changes to their room and they've slept until after 5am for about a week.  Mentally there is something about waking up in the 4's versus waking up in the 5's that makes that extra hour seem very, very important.  So I am hoping this continues to improve.

 I am going to try and be more present on my blog like I used to be. I am getting there. It's hard when your emotions are a jumbled mess and your life is a jumbled mess to sit down and make coherent thoughts appear on the page.  But I am sure it will just continue to get easier for me.  Lord knows I have a hundred pictures I need to share with you all! So let the blogging begin... again!