journal

I finished a journal today. Number 84. I filled its last pages with stories of being home with my beautiful sons and thoughts of what our third son will bring to our little family.  As I closed it, I thought it would be interesting to read where I was when it started, back in May 2010.  The first page was so eloquent, I thought I ought to share it.

"Journal, 
It always feels so good to start a new journal. Like I'm setting out on a journey, and you (the reader) have the privilege of know the ending (should you choose to skip ahead) while I (the writer) see nothing yet. The back of this book is empty. It holds no stories, no joy, no heartache. Blank space- in which to record life's happenings."

It's amazing to me because this particular journal does hold heartache. Such heartache. And joy. Such joy.  It holds the journey of Josh graduating from college and not finding the job we had so prayed would come. It holds the journey of me going back to work this fall and facing the devastation of leaving my kids for yet another school year.  It holds the journey of my second pregnancy and our third child.  It holds the joy (absolute joy) of my becoming a stay-at-home-mom.

I have had very few dreams in my life.

And those I had were very simple:

• Graduate from college with a bachelors degree
• Marry my best friend
• Have children
• Be a stay-at-home-mom

All of my dreams have come true.

It doesn't get any better than that.

little moments

I found this in the living room one morning when I had set up our kitchen chairs to be a "bus" for the boys. Logan had buckled in his kitty along with his kitty's favorite book. How cute is that?

The other morning he came up behind me as I was changing his brother and he hugged me tight.  Then he said, "I love you so much. Thanks for staying home with me."

Be still my heart.

Our niece

{Gisele}

Josh's sister had our niece March 1st.

 

I have yet to meet her,

but Josh took the boys this afternoon.

Logan showed more interest than Jack.

~

She's just adorable

and I {love} her name!

a day in the life...

Mornings at our house can begin anywhere from 4:30am to 6:20am, as Josh and I awake to either knocking (on their bedroom door since it's child proofed on the inside) or the sound of two giggly boys jumping on their beds.  Last week they slept until after 6am four out of five days.  We were happy parents!

After we wake up the boys and I head straight into the kitchen to make Daddy's lunch and Josh jumps in the shower.  They absolutely love being my helpers.

They scoot the kitchen chair over to the counter (sometimes Bubba comes with, as seen here) and get out a cheese stick, an apple and a soda for daddy.

Then we write daddy a love note. It generally says (as dictated by the boys) "Have a good at work" -cute cause it's missing the word "day"/ "Drive safe"/ "I love you so much"/ "Have fun at teaching your friends" and we also include pictures, often of barns & farm animals.

Then they pack the baggie full of chips while I make the sandwich. I believe more chips end up in my children than end up in the baggie, but that's okay. Once Josh is out of the shower they run full speed down the hallway to tell him, "I made your lunch daddy!!!"

Then I corral them back into the kitchen for breakfast. This usually is cereal, and although they make a HUGE deal of "picking my own!", they almost always choose Cheerios. It's a classic.

It's exciting to me how they can feed themselves completely.

And in the mornings they are generally great eaters. 

Jack often wakes up telling me, 

"My tummy is so hungry mommy!"

{Logan}

{Jack}

After breakfast, depending on the day, we either get dressed & ready for the day or we snuggle up on the couch for a movie.

They sometimes like to read a book and watch a movie.

{my cuties!}

This day they chose their personal photo albums to look at instead of a regular book.  I made the boys these albums after our family camping trip last summer, and let me tell you, they were worth all the effort and every penny.  They pull them off the shelf almost every day.  They love to talk about the memories of each picture and talk about going camping again this summer.

Our favorite movie these days is Disney's "Up".  They LOVE the little boy Russel (whom Jack calls Muscle).  The other day Jack asked if Muscle could come over and when I told him that Muscle was pretend, he said, "Mommy don't say that! Muscle is my friend!"

After our morning movie & snuggle, the boys get dressed and make their beds. Jack is actually really good at making his bed, and Logan's heart is in the right place, but his is a little less military and little more "my pillow, all my blankets and my bubbas are on the bed- that's good enough".

Once we are dressed & the house is tidied up, we do school. (Not everyday, just a few times a week)  This day we were learning the color "red".  That's what they are signing in these pictures.

My goal is to work on a letter, a number & a color every few weeks.  We also got Logan a pair of left handed scissors and plan to make cutting a priority.  The boys really enjoy school, especially with their brand new white boards, markers & erasers. (Thanks, Nanny!)

After school we have morning snack. Usually it's crackers, but I was eating Cottage Cheese & Pineapple, so the boys wanted pineapple, too.

While they finished their snack (the boys eat agonizingly slowly- just like their mother) I loaded the dishwasher.  It seems my day at home is a blur of dishes, laundry & feeding small children.  Oh! And hanging out in the bathroom, since we are still somewhat new to the whole "big potty" thing.

Just before lunch the boys got to help me make orange juice. That is one craving I have had the entire duration of this pregnancy. Any time, day or night, orange juice is what I crave.

After making juice and eating lunch we put on diapers & I laid the boys down for naps.

Generally speaking, after I lay the boys down at nap time, I don't have to go back in. They usually fall right to sleep.

This is a nice change from bedtime, where Josh or I have to go in a handful of times to get them to finally stop talking, stay in their beds, and fall asleep.

During naps I spend a lot of my time journaling (trying desperately to write down and therefore remember all the "little moments") and doing other things for my own personal enjoyment.

This day I decided to finish up the boys' February calendar pages.  I added a few memories I had left out, and then chose & printed my favorite pictures of each boy from the month of February.  I absolutely LOVE their calendars and it's my favorite way of memory keeping despite my (slightly less now that I'm not working) schedule.

Some afternoons the boys wake up very happy, super lovey & snuggly...

And other afternoons, well, not-so-much.

Sometimes we spend a lot of post-nap time in this special corner, waiting for the timer to beep, releasing said grouchy kid from his consequence. 

:(

But snack time often turns things around. We set up  the boys' chairs in front of the TV, with their stools as tables and enjoy some popcorn or cheese & crackers while watching Caillou or Diego.

And shortly after they wake up from naps, 

Daddy comes home, 

and that is our very favorite part of the day.

~

Once he's home, it's play time, dinner time, bath time & bed time.

Then we wake up and do it all over again!

26 weeks... a comparison

Some people have asked for a belly shot of this pregnancy.

And a comparison to my last pregnancy.

{This one's for you, Aniko!}

Here, I am 26 weeks pregnant with Logan & Jack.

This was taken at my first (of five!) baby showers.

And here I am this afternoon, 

26 weeks pregnant with Wyatt.

a little moment...

Friday night I was putting pajamas on Logan 

when Jack came up behind me and hugged my back.  

As he hugged my back he softly whispered into my neck, 

"I'm so glad you're home."

mason & orion

 Twice a week my mom watches another set of boy twins. Mason & Orion.

They are six months younger than my boys, just having turned two.

 When we got together this week lots of delightful squealing, car racing & chase games ensued.  It was so much fun to watch them all interact with each other.  

I am just sure the other twins think my twins are NUTS! They put all the pillows & blankets in my mom's dog kennel and asked for it to be locked so they could go night-night!

Crazy boys!

 {Logan}

 {Orion}

He looks so much like his dad (whom I used to work with) it was freaking me out!  I kept telling my mom, he just looks so much like Scott!

 {Mason}

We brought trains & Goldfish crackers to share with the boys.  When I gave Mason the trains he said, "Cool!" And when I gave him his fish he said, "Thank you" in the most adorable voice.  Love him!

{Logan}

 Both my boys call Mason & Orion their "friends" and everyday since we saw them they have been asking if their "friends" are at Nanny's house and if we can go see them.

 All of the boys are obsessed with my mom's dogs.

Here they are up on the couch looking out the window at them.

How cute are they?

happiness

I.am.home.

Everyday I wake up and think, "I am home. I get to be home. My dream came true!" 

And everyday it feels surreal.

I am finding such joy in all I do.  Last weekend Josh walked into the kitchen to find me with a package of baby wipes, on my hands and knees, cleaning the back door.  The boys high chairs used to be in front of it, and there were milk stains from two years ago. Before, every time I would walk by it, I would think, "Someone should clean that," but I never did. I didn't have time to worry about the stains on the back door when I was so busy trying to get the whole family out the front door every morning.

Now I have that luxury.

I also cleaned the bathroom last weekend.

For the first time in nearly three years.

And I am NOT exaggerating.

Josh took over cleaning the bathroom from the time I was about six months pregnant with the twins until the weekend before last.  Typing it somehow makes it even more remarkable.  He is amazing.

But I found, as I was scrubbing the tiles with an old toothbrush, that I missed this.  I missed having pride of ownership, shining something and making it look like new. I missed having standards of cleanliness and working hard to meet them.

I told Josh yesterday that I feel like my happiness is evident in my face. My eyes look less tired, my cheeks are rosier and my lips are often curved up in a smile.  It feels so good to be this girl again. To be sunshiny and optimistic. 

I turn on my Ipod all the time.  Find a happy tune to hum as I do the dishes or laundry or million other things that require my attention now that I am at home.  

But I also find that I am better able to let things sit, undone, for a while to enjoy a moment with my boys.  Because I know that not doing the dishes right now won't hurt anything. I can do them in an hour, or a day. I am moving at a much slower pace. I don't have a deadline each night of having A, B and C done so we can start the next day without chaos. 

Our mornings are slower...  My nap time break has been such an incredible luxury...  Afternoons we have a snack & snuggle up watching a movie, awaiting Daddy's return from work...  It's just so peaceful & beautiful. 

I am so happy.

Baby Boy #3

 A lot of people have been asking me how this pregnancy compares to my pregnancy with the boys.  Honestly, this pregnancy has been much more difficult.  From the get go I had morning sickness.  And it lasted, as you all know, until I was 18 weeks along.  It was miserable. I was sick, the boys were sick, the house was sick.  It was awful.  

Then about seven weeks ago, the nausea went away.  I wasn't sick anymore.  Then the baby started moving around a lot, and we chose a name.  Wyatt. (Which, adorably, Logan thought was "Quiet" for the first few weeks.)  Things started falling into place, I began to accept that this little guy was going to join us, be one of our family. 

And now I look forward to feeling him move around each day.  Both Josh & my mom have felt him move, and sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch I can see him rolling under my shirt.  It's amazing how familiar, yet foreign it feels. Like, I remember feeling that with Logan & Jack, but it still feels alien to have someone tucking their piggies into my ribs and tickling my sides with their fingertips.

I am 25 weeks right now.  That means in less than fifteen weeks, I will have three children.  I will get to meet Wyatt, compare him to his brothers (more hair, darker eyes, longer legs) and see which of his two parents he most resembles (Josh's coloring, my nose?). I can't wait.  I still have trouble believing that I will love him like I love Logan & Jack because my love for them is so intense, but everyone has assured me that the heart knows no bounds and as soon as I lay eyes on him, I will love him just as fervently as I do the twins.

Until then, I am just enjoying getting to know him.  

And praying I will be the best mom to both he & his brothers.

a few "little moments" and one "big scare"

The last few days the boys and I have had "Dance Time" together. Usually I plug in my Ipod to the dock and we sing & dance the afternoon away.  Their favorite album right now is Michael Buble's "Call Me Irresistible". They love "Everything" and another song that has the words, "Baby, Go! Go! Go!" and when they sing along, it is just so adorable!  They will also occasionally throw on the headphones and rock out on their own.

You can tell in this picture that Logan just woke up from naps.  That may very well be my favorite part of the day.  I have eaten and enjoyed a small respite, and am ready to be joined by my little buddies by the time I hear those little "knock-knock's" on their bedroom door. They are so snuggly when they first wake up, all warm and sleep faced.  Like when they were babies.  I love it.

Yesterday Josh let me sleep in and when I woke up and joined them in the living room, Logan ran up to me, hugged my legs oh-so-tight and said, "Good morning, Mommy!" in the sweetest little boy voice ever.  It was one of those little moments.

When we wake up in the morning, the boys and I get to work first thing making Daddy's lunch.  They absolutely love being my helpers. Jack likes to get the green apples out of the fridge and Logan likes to get Daddy's "soda".  I make the sandwich and the boys steal chips from the baggie I load up for Josh.  Most mornings we also try to include a note or drawing for Josh to read on his lunch break, telling him how we love him so.

They are not only my helpers, but Josh's helpers, too.  They are such mini-me's. Anything daddy is doing, they want to do as well. Here Josh is measuring for the coat hooks he wanted to hang, so Jack got into his own toolbox, found his miniature tape measure and started measuring right alongside Josh.  It was so precious.

I made snack for Logan yesterday and he said, "Thank you, mommy, for making pineapple for me. It's my favorite!'

And when I was switching the laundry, he heard me open the dryer and came running into the laundry room, "I'll be your big helper, mommy!" I handed him the towels and he put them into the dryer for me.

 Their favorite movie right now is "Up" and every once in a while I will hear Jack pretending to talk to "Russell" (whom he calls "Muscle") the little boy in the film.  He will also ask me if our house is going to float away in the sky with balloons. I tell him that's just pretend and silly.  Then he'll tell me, "I'm being funny, mom!"

 I was in the bathroom getting ready yesterday and heard them getting their stools to take in the kitchen. "You can't use those in the kitchen," I hollered, "You'll fall down." 

"Okay, mom," Jack shouted back.

Then I heard labored breathing, lots of grunting and some teamwork ("Get it, Logan." "Come on, Jack!") When I came into the kitchen, this is what I saw.

Both boys, on their reading chair, in the kitchen, getting m&m's out of the Potty Jar.  I couldn't help but crack up.  I was actually quite proud that A) they didn't use their stools and B) they worked together so well.  These boys keep me on my toes!

 Last night we had a big scare with Logan. He'd been complaining off and on about a belly ache, grabbing his belly and nearly doubling over in pain.  When he seemed to be having another attack at 6pm, I decided it was time to go Urgent Care.  Before we left, the boys said goodbye to each other and Jack hugged Logan and said, "You be brave, buddy, okay?"  I could have cried.  He was so worried about his brother.

Well, we went to Urgent Care and the pediatrician there said that with just a fever and belly pain that was focused near the appendix, he was concerned it might be appendicitis, so he suggested we go to Legacy Salmon Creek's Emergency Room since they have a Pediatric ER there.  So my mom picked Jack up and took him to her house (since I had the car with both car seats) and Josh met Logan & I at the ER in Salmon Creek.  At that point Logan was burning up. His temp was nearly 103 and he was so lethargic and out of it.  He just rubbed the tag on his bubba over & over, laying his sweet little head on my shoulder.

Finally it was our turn to be seen and we headed back.  The nurses there were amazing and I felt very confident about the care he received.  The first order of business was to talk with the doctor and get some motrin in Logan.  Slowly (very slowly) his fever started coming down and the doctor ordered some tests to rule out the appendix.  She wanted blood work, a bag of fluids in him and an abdominal ultrasound.

I was super nervous about the blood work because last time we had to get an IV in him, it took three tries and was quite traumatic.  This time the nurse came in ahead of time to scope his veins and choose the best one.  Then she brought a coworker with her and they swaddled him up, one arm out.  One nurse leaned on his body so he couldn't move, and I held his bubba's tags to his face and stayed where he could see me, near his head.  The other nurse took his arm and went for it.  He had cried a bit when I told him he was going to have to get a poke, but had calmed down again, then was scared as we swaddled him, then calmed down, and then cried for, maybe 30 seconds, as the actual needle went in, and then he was fine.  He just watched the nurse work on drawing the blood and setting his arm so he wouldn't bend it.  It was amazing. I was so proud of my brave little trouper.

When it was all said and done he got to watch Stuart Little and he was so happy. "I was a big boy, Mommy?" he asked.  "I was brave, Daddy? You're so proud of me?"  We just took turns holding him and loving on him. And I never stopped praying.

I was terrified that he was going to need surgery, and that is super scary any time, but especially on young patients, and I was just imagining how awful the recovery time would be.  I just prayed for God to guide the hands of those caring for Logan and for Logan to be okay.  Then I called to check on Jack and let the boys talk. Jack asked Logan if he wanted to come home.  And when I got back on the phone with Jack he asked, "How's Logan doing mom?"  I told him that the doctors were taking care of him.

Next we headed to ultrasound, where I sat on the bed with Logan in my lap and they "took pictures" of his belly.  At this point it was 9:30pm and he was almost asleep during parts of it.  Then around 10:00pm, we got results- his appendix and all his insides looked great and normal.  The doctor said his blood work also looked great, only showing a bit of dehydration that is common to see when a child has been having diarrhea.  Strange, because Logan hasn't had diarrhea, but she said as soon as we got a bag of fluids in him, we could go home and manage his fever there.

When the boys were reunited, I should have had my video camera out.  Logan ran to Jack and the two embraced as Logan asked, "You were worried about me, Jack?" and Jack asked, "How you doing, Logan? You went to the doctors?"  And Logan told him, "I was brave, Jack."  I just stood there watching in disbelief as my two year olds passed information back and forth, filling each other in and hugging at random intervals.  It was such a proud mommy moment.

You could see the relief on Jack's face, which mimicked my own, and we were all four never so happy to go in their bedroom, sing "Sunshine" and tuck them in their own little beds.