Mama goes to Marshall...

Today I am freaking out about moving our family to Marshall. Not in the way you think, though.  I am excited for the challenge of living in rural Alaska.  I am excited to have my little family together, away from the rush of city life.  I am excited to slow down, focus on what's really important and get back to basics.

What I'm not excited about is packing up- moving things into storage, selling things and shipping things to Marshall.  The mere thought of getting this entire household stuffed into a million tiny post office boxes sent to my new, snowy home is sending me into a tizzy!

I am making lists.  Lists upon lists.  Lists of things like setting up our new address, changing my bill payments, getting us new doctors with Josh's new insurance, canceling our food stamps (hooray!), my Anchorage to-do list (get a new cell phone, and an Alaskan ID, snow clothes for the boys & groceries), lists of what to sell at our garage sale, what to Craigslist, what to move into storage & what to send.

Uff da!

The pictures Josh has sent of Marshall are beautiful.  The views are breathtaking. The river is spectacular, and both the school & new housing are on riverfront property.  He said the people are kind and welcoming, and he's quickly made friends with all the staff.  

I worry about a lot of things. I worry about not having milk, eggs, butter & fresh fruit. I worry about not having medical care nearby.  I worry about feeling lonely, isolated or depressed. I worry about the boys being entertained enough by me.  I worry about the cold.

But I also look forward to a lot of things. I look forward to being with my husband again. I look forward to learning how to cook. (In eight years of marriage I have yet to really do this.) I look forward to living somewhere without slugs in the bathroom or mold under the house.  I look forward to living somewhere peaceful without fast cars & bumping music.  I look forward to making friends with the wives of other staff members.  Would you believe the principal & his wife have four kids? And another teacher & his wife have four kids ages 3 and under? They have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and newborn baby twins- identical girls! I feel like God has truly had a hand in setting up this adventure just for us.

For now being in limbo is killing me.  We're hopeful that housing will be complete October 1st, but aren't sure.  And if it is, we hope to move the boys & I out some time in October, but aren't sure.  And if it's not, we think we'll wait until Christmas, but aren't sure.  We hope to get one of the three bedroom units, but aren't sure.  And we hope to make a go of it up there, staying as long as possible, making connections, getting comfortable & paying off our debts, but aren't sure.  That's a lot of uncertainty for me.

But of this I am certain:
It has been and will continue to be
an adventure.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things...

 The boys use the word "real" instead of "regular."

Example: "Mom, are you making real cookies?"

I asked the boys if they were twins, and they each said, "I'm a twin!" Then they came together, put their arms around each others' shoulders and stood there, posing. It was so strange. And cute.

I asked Jack who Daddy loves the most and he said, "Umm, probably Logan & Wyatt." Typical middle child, thinking he's not loved! 

Then I asked him who I love the most and he replied immediately, "Daddy." The kid is smart.

They sing "Sunshine" each night, with Wyatt snuggling them in their beds, and they fight over who gets him first. It is so precious. I really need to record it. They wrap their arms around him, sharing their blankets & stuffed animals with him.  Then they kiss him & love him & tell him, "I'll see you in the morning, buddy. Sleep good." 

The other day in the car, Wyatt was smiling. So I told the boys to talk to him.  Jack said, his voice syrupy sweet, "You're my best friend..." and Logan told him, "You're my best little brother, buddy."

Today in the yard Jack came running to me, proclaiming there was a ladybug on his finger. In fact, it was the remains of a spider. I told him it was a spider, but he didn't need to worry, it was dead.  "It's dead?" he asked. "Yes, you killed it," I told him.  "I killed it. It's batteries are dead," he said to Logan.  I said, "Do you know what that means? Dead?" And he said, "It means it's not working."

My mom had her nails done on Friday (the pretty, fake ones) and while I complimented them upon noticing, Jack told her, "Umm, Nanny, probably you need to cut your nails."

We were at Ikea, where they have a million large flags, and Logan told Josh it was a tag, and that the tag makes the cars go faster.

My sister & I took our boys to the Saturday market this weekend, where I got the boys cotton candy. I was so excited for them to try it for the first time.  Jack tried it, but wasn't impressed.  Logan refused to even try it. Roxanne & I pleaded with him, telling him how yummy it was, that it was really special cause it was purple and he just looked at us and said, "But, it looks like cat hair."

Lately Logan has been calling Jack "Jackie." No one else calls Jack "Jackie". We call him "Jack-Jack", "Jackasaurus" or "Jackington", but never "Jackie".  Logan picked the nickname, Jack doesn't seem to mind, and hearing Logan call him that, his own special pet name for his twin, is really tender to me.

I took the boys on a bike ride at Officer's Row this weekend.  They rode bikes & I semi-jogged with Wyatt in the stroller behind them.  As I came upon them under a set of old oak trees, they were stopped, still as stones and Jack had his finger up to his lips, signaling for me to be quiet. When I asked him why I had to be quiet, he said it was because we were in the forest where it's dark, so you have to be quiet. 

We were at Target and Logan asked if it was time to look at the toys yet. I told him no, we weren't done shopping yet, and we look at the toys at the end.  He looked at me, his eyes pleading and said, "But mom, that's what kids do!" 

Little moments

 Each & everyday is filled, it seems, with little moments that I wish to capture in jars like fireflies and have on display.  By the time I get through bedtime, though, and sit down at the computer to recount the adorableness of my two three-year-olds, I have only retained about a quarter of the cute instances. Such is life...

Some mornings I don't set my alarm to wake up & get ready before the boys are up.  Those days, I awake to their knocking and yelling, "Mommy, the light is green!" I roll out of bed, open their door, turn on their cartoons and sometimes go back to lay in bed with Wyatt for a bit.  When I do this, the boys inevitably join me, wanting to snuggle with the baby and I.  The other morning Logan joined us and was laying on a pillow next to Wyatt with his arm wrapped around Wyatt's head.  He closed his eyes and leaned in close, whispering, "I will keep you safe, buddy."  I melted. Puddle on the floor. It was so precious I don't think my description does it any justice.

When we met my parents at camping for the day last weekend the boys were so sweet to each other. I don't know why that day was so good, but it was.  Logan fell down, tripping over a root, and Jack asked, "Are you okay, Logan?" This glimpse of empathy makes me proud to be their mom.  I must be doing something right!

Since the baby was born, and especially since Josh left, the boys have turned into my big helpers.  They do everything.  Help set the table. Open the door for me, open the gate for me. Lock the door for me, close the gate for me. They help me load the car, make their beds, do the laundry & the dishes. I am so excited for all they are capable of doing now.  Sometimes their ability & their independence backfires (like this morning when Jack brought me the lighter I have in the kitchen for my candles...) but most of the time it is just awesome!

The Sunday after we returned from camping, Jack was "popping" his balloon.  He would hold the tied end and pull it away, and then the balloon would "pop" away from him.  He was cracking up at how cool it was.  I asked who taught him that and he said, "My friend taught me that."  Then I remembered he and Kate (my dad's friends' daughter) playing with a balloon down by the water Saturday.  It was so cute that he remembered and that he could tell me who taught him.

Kate's dad, Art, taught Logan how to do a thumb war, and ever since that's all he wants to do. But his favorite part is when he tries to cheat (by using his other hand to hold my thumb down) and I pretend to yell at him, "Hey! That's not fair! Hey, stop it!!!" and he cracks up at his own mischeiviousness.  Naughty!

Last week Wyatt smiled at Jack.  It was the first time I saw him make eye contact with one of the boys and really acknowledge their presence. Jack was overjoyed to have his little brother cooing at him.  It was a precious moment for sure.

On the drive to camping Jack was talking about our previous camping trip, to the KOA in Culver, and he said, "Mom, can you call it campsite? Not camping." I told him I would. 

We went to Target the other morning and at the nearby construction site, they had these huge cranes. I let the boys get out of the car and just watch them work for a while. Jack watched in awe and said, "That's amazing!"  While Logan told me, "That's the coolest thing ever!" Where do they come up with this stuff?

The other night Josh called while I was still doing bedtime with the boys, so I let them talk for a bit.  When Logan went to hang up he said, "See you tomorrow, Daddy-- Talk to you tomorrow." He corrected himself.  I think that shows how much he understands. He knows that Daddy is in Alaska and we won't see him for a while.  He told me today that he thinks Josh is working on the housing with the workers.  I didn't correct him because maybe he thinks if Josh works on it, it will be done sooner and we can be together quicker.

Today the boys said they wanted to go see Grandma Woo Woo (my grandma who lives at the beach) and I asked who should come with since Daddy isn't here.  Jack said he thought Samuel & Julie should join us, while Logan said he thought Grandma Carol might be there already.  I told them I would talk to Nanny & Papa to see if they would come with us, and I explained that Grandma Woo Woo is Papa Barry's mommy (a concept that seemed lost on them) and then Logan looked thoughtful for a second and glanced up at me saying, "I love her," about Grandma Woo Woo.  That precious look on his face, the sincerity, was beautiful.  He's beautiful.

The last few days have been good days. Really good days. Filled with good friends, great play dates and a few breaks for me as family members have taken the twins for a few hours a couple of times.  In addition to lots of fun, I was able to successfully skype with Josh, and it was so awesome. We talked for an hour and a half and my cheeks literally hurt from laughing so hard and smiling so much.  It was so good to see his face and have him show me his new classroom. I am so insanely proud of him.  This journey began for him in the fall of 2005 at Clark College.  He continued from there to WSU.  And from there to a year of subbing.  That's six years of waiting and working & finally {FINALLY} he's arrived.  Monday his students will be in their seats and he'll be standing at the front of the class.

The stars are aligning... He's a teacher & I'm a stay-at-home-mom... Now we just wait for the day we are together again, and all will be right in the world!

For Daddy

 Monday we received a package from Anchorage.

When the boys woke up from naps, we opened it.

 We found Alaska shirts for Logan & Jack,

an Alaska sweatshirt for me,

and a little tiny Alaska jacket for Wyatt.

 We were so happy to have presents from Daddy.

The boys got to wear their Alaska shirts yesterday.

(The third star in from the left is where Marshall is.)

Thank you for thinking of us.

We love you.

{tears}

 An anonymous follower left this comment on my "Josh" post:

"please stop crying in front of the kids...I'm sorry but you need to be stronger in front of them. This is such an exciting time for the entire family. No one has died, no one is sick....you have soooooo much to look forward to."

I appreciate the concern for kids, I do.  However, I disagree.  I think it's healthy for my boys to see me miss their Daddy & cry.  It's not like I'm crying all the time, or have become emotionally unavailable to them.  In addition to seeing me sad, they also see me excited, like yesterday when we received a package from him full of "Alaska" gear for us.  They see me happy when we talk about the "Alaska House" (as they call it) being done and being "together as a family" again.  They had seen me cry before Josh left, and this is no different.  Mommy has feelings, and my boys know that.

I recommend checking out my other blog, particularly this post, if you are worried I have lost perspective. I assure you that I have not.  There are good days & bad days.  There are days when I miss Josh so much I ache for his arms around me, and other days where I am just anxious to get there & join him on this journey.  The boys are adjusting quite well to such a huge change, and I promise, I have lots of people close to me watching for signs of distress, anxiety, depression or any other mental health issues that could arise from a life change such as this. I've got those boys as my top priority, which is why I feel it is important to feel my feelings as they come and not let them bottle up & overtake me.

(And if I can toot my own horn- I do have a bachelors degree in psychology with a minor in human development- so don't worry too much about those kids- I have some idea what I'm doing!)

Josh

"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color."
~W.S. Merwin

{Josh: 2010}

Oh, I am missing that boy today. And yesterday.  It really hit me when I went to visit my mom & sister on the camping trip that the three of us had planned for our families back in February.  As I loaded the car, put in the DVD players, got the kids ready & hit the road all by myself, I couldn't help but think how much easier it all is with Josh by my side.  As I pulled into the campsite, I felt sad that we weren't there "together as a family" as the boys would say.  I felt sad that we hadn't spent the drive eating junk food, drinking Dr. Peppers and singing badly along with the radio.  I felt sad that I hadn't spent the drive diffusing fights from the passenger seat with my feet on the dashboard.  I wanted to be sitting shotgun with him.  I wanted to be sitting around the campfire with him.  I wanted to hear him encouraging the boys on their bikes, squealing in the freezing lake water and baby talking to our sweet eight week old.  I wanted him.

{The twins: 2011}

 Then Logan's training wheel broke. My dad fixed it.  I felt like a failure because I knew that I wouldn't have known how.  And Josh would. He knows bikes.  He loves them. They're his "thing".  We spent the whole camping trip last year watching the boys on their trikes going over the speed bump by our site again and again.

{Logan: 2010}

Last year we were there.  We had two year old twins and no plans for a third.  Then, the last night, we left the boys in the care of my parents to go down to the lake and look at the stars. We lay on the grass, holding hands, looking up at a clear navy sky, filled to the brim with shining orbs.  That night, we saw three shooting stars.  Together we pondered what that may mean.  During that camping trip, I didn't cry about Josh leaving me with our children to go teach in a village far, far away. I cried about his inability to find work, I cried about my having to go back to work, I cried about lost dreams.

{Jack: 2010}

Friday night I told the boys we would be going to see Nanny & Papa at camping Saturday.  Logan said, "But Daddy won't be there.  Daddy will be in Alaska." I just started crying. What else could I do. His tiny voice was trying so hard to understand why Josh, who so loves us and loves camping, wouldn't be there with us.  As I cried the boys just hugged me.  They really are my sliver lining.

{S'mores 2010}

Camping with my family was my dad's best friend Art and his family.  Watching Art with his daughter Kate makes me want a daughter for Josh.  The tenderness with which he watched her was so sweet to witness.  When I left, my dad told me he was proud of me.  It really meant a lot to hear that from him. Because this is so hard.  Doing this by myself is the hardest thing I have ever done.  He hugged me, and told me he loved me.  And that felt good.  I so miss being hugged.
 

After the last week with these little ones,
I have realized I can do it myself,
but I don't want to.
I don't want to.

{together}

I can't wait to be together again. I can't wait to hug him. Smell him.  Hear his voice & see his face.  He arrived in Marshall yesterday and said it's breathtaking.  He said the river is just beautiful.  And he said the new housing is in a great location.  I am growing more anxious everyday to find out when exactly our family will be reunited. 

"Love reckons hours for months, and days for years;
and every little absence is an age." 
~John Dryden

{Cougar}

We have been able to talk on the phone two or three times a day each day.  And while that sounds like a lot, it isn't nearly enough.  I am used to having him here and available to me without any interruption.  With the phone, I have the kids screaming in the background, or the baby crying, and then there is occasionally a delay in hearing each other, which is frustrating as all get out.  There are things happening all the time that I think, "Oh, I have to tell Josh about this", but by the time we talk again I've forgotten half of them or they seem trivial.  Mostly I just want him to call me every hour and e-mail, facebook & text every ten minutes.  I want to feel like he's not even gone.  Unfortunately he is indeed gone.  And it's killing me.  Today anyway.
Tomorrow, however, is a new day.

"Remember me when you're walking;
When snow falls high outside your door.
Late at night when you're not sleeping,
And moonlight falls across your floor.
... Please remember me."
~Tim McGraw

Coping

{Josh & Wyatt on Sunday}

 So, he left. Sunday. Five days ago. His brother Samuel drove our whole family to the airport to see him off.  Just typing about it brings tears to my eyes.  We pulled up and pulled over. We said good-bye on the road outside the Alaska Airlines entrance.  I let the boys get out to hug Josh.  He told them to be good for me and that he loved them.  Then he held the baby.  Watching how he squeezed Wyatt's tiny body, trying to memorize how he felt in his arms, nearly broke my heart.  Then I hugged him.  And I didn't want to let him go.  I sobbed into his neck, asking him to hug me just a little bit longer.  Then he unloaded his things and stepped up onto the sidewalk.  As Samuel pulled the car away from the curb, it took all my willpower to stay in the car.  What I wanted to do was run to him, hold him, and tell him not to go.  I felt physically sick leaving him there.  My chest felt as though someone were standing on it.  I cried most of the way home.

My little sweethearts are also working hard to cope with Daddy's absence. I can see them mulling it over, taking it in, trying to understand it. Heck, I am still trying to understand it.  Sometimes they are able to actually talk about what's going on in their minds, and other times they are just more emotional than usual.

 We were driving home from my mom's Monday night and Logan asked if Daddy was at home. I said no.  And then I asked him where Daddy was. And he told me Alaska.  Then he said, "But, he left for-out me."  (The boys both say for-out instead of without.) I told him no, that daddy didn't leave without him. That we had to wait for our Alaska house to be built.  He insisted that Josh had left for-out him and that only Jack was going to stay with me.  Then today on the way to Target, out of nowhere, he asked me if our Alaska house was ready yet.  He misses his Daddy so much.

And when he is not talking directly about Josh, he's more angry than usual. He has a really short fuse and has had quite a few raging tantrums that are unlike anything I have ever seen.  I've been trying to use the "time-in", where we go take a break together, in his room, rocking him in there.  That seems to diffuse it.  Thank God.

As for Jack, he is more sad, more sensitive. He has cried more easily, and gets really upset when I cry.  Wednesday when we had our first Skype session with Josh, it didn't go well. His face was all distorted and it was chopping up his sentences. It was a huge exercise in frustration.  The technology wasn't working, the boys were being naughty, Wyatt was crying and Josh had overslept and was running behind.  I had been really looking forward to seeing his face and getting the boys to talk with him, so when it all went awry I got upset.  I cried for a good ten minutes when it was over.  Jack just hugged me the whole time.  Then when I was done he asked if I was okay.  And later, at the park, he picked me a flower and told me I needed it.

I've been trying to do that- just feel my feelings as they come.  I let the tears and sadness wash over me as they will, and pretty soon I am okay again.

 I will say that I am finding within myself strength I never knew I had.  And I am also finding more reasons to never leave Josh. Last night I had to take out the trash (to the curb), which I have never done before, and it's heavy & stinky as all get out. Yuck! Then today I had to haul them back into the yard again.  Also yesterday the gas light came on in the car, and this morning I had to fill up the Pilot.  I have only put gas in the Pilot twice. TWICE.  Josh always (always!) fills up my car for me.  It's one thing I loved.  It felt so luxurious to never have to put gas in my own car.  Now I'm gassing up my own car like the rest of the population. And hating it.

While at the gas station we saw a Porsche filling up. Jack said, "That guy is a spaz, his car is loud! But I like it." Reminded me of Josh so much.  He was also giving me pointers on filling up the car. He told me that when it was done I should shake it to get the extra gas out.  Pretty sad my three year old knows more about it than I do!

Those are just two things I miss Josh doing. I also miss him giving the boys baths. And making dinner. And helping me load them all in the car.

Despite missing him (and I do) I am doing better than I thought I would.  I don't cry all the time.  And I am doing much better at bed time than I had imagined.  I am able to feed the baby and fall right to sleep. I think this is because of all the people praying for me.  Bedtime was something I thought I would dread & really struggle with, but it has been nothing but smooth sailing. Sure, it's lonely in there, but I feel peace.  And that is priceless.

 I am also feeling a lot more peace about all of us being together in Marshall.  Josh said the new housing is like condo's (two story) and there are some that have three bedroom/two bath!!! I would just DIE to have 2 bathrooms!  I would also adore living in a brand new place.  We did once, for six months, and it was lovely.

My mom talked to my Grandpa Harold (her dad) this week, and he is super excited for us.  He said that this decision is something we will never regret.  I don't know why, but his excitement touched me.  I am feeling more positive about it everyday.  Josh is making friends with other teachers at orientation, and has been getting to the know the principal.  He just sounds so positive every time I talk to him.  And on top of the housing & Josh being so happy, I can't wait for our family to be together again.

Meanwhile, I am doing what I can to get through the days.  We have had a lot of play dates, which help so much, and I also made these neat calendars for the boys.  Each day they put a sticker on their Daddy Calendar to mark another day completed in his absence.  And we have been making art work to send him in Alaska.

{Logan enjoyed finger painting a picture for Daddy}

{As did Jack}

I have also learned a few tricks about single parenting.  I've been working on lowering my expectations of myself. I simply can't get it all done, and that's okay. I gotta cut myself some slack.  I also have discovered that if I sit and play with the boys, just long enough to get them involved in what I'm doing, I can then step away to get something checked off my to do list. It's what my mom always said. Five minutes will get you ten.  It's so true.  I have also been accepting any and all offers of help.  My nieces came Wednesday to help with dinner & bedtime, my girlfriend is coming Monday, and I have more help lined up for next week.  Just knowing an extra set of hands will be here sporadically helps me.  So that's how we're coping.  Here's hoping Week Two is even better than Week One has been.

8 weeks

 Mommy's sweetheart is already eight weeks old.  On the one hand I feel like he's been here forever, and on the other hand, I feel like he was just born yesterday. How strange that dichotomy is.

 I am in love with his blue eyes & perfect skin.  As well as his mellow demeanor.

 He loves to be held, and is not particular about who holds him. This makes him quite lovable!

 I am also loving all the expressions he is adding to his repertoire.

 I just wanna kiss his lips in this one!

And his chin.

Oh, and his cheeks.

And the smile. Oh, how he slays me when he gives me that grin. And let me tell you, he makes me work for it. I sound like a total doof. And it's worth every nerdy minute when he finally busts out that dimple.

Tell me I'm wrong.