Home is where the heart is...

Oh my word...  Life is cuh-razy right now.  I sold half of our large pieces of furniture today on Craigslist and am packing up books & clothing to ship to Josh. He should be moving next week into the new housing up in Marshall (where it is 19 degrees today!) and I will be moving in with my in-laws in three short weeks and turning in the keys to our duplex before December makes its debut.  So I am rushing around like a mad woman.  I finally had to go to the grocery store this afternoon and the drive was the first time I had sat down all day long.  That's when it hit me.  

I'm moving. 

We're leaving.

Sure, I hate the place where we live (the slugs, the bumping music, the speeding cars) but it's still home. And it's a home I have worked hard to make a cozy place for us to all land at the end of the day. So to see it thrown into shambles as I sell dressers & pack cardboard boxes is painful. This is the place I brought all my babies home to. That bedroom is the nursery where I would walk, bleary eyed, to cuddle a crying boy in the middle of the night.  This dining room is where we first fed the twins rice cereal and taught them to feed themselves pudding. The bathroom is where I found out I was pregnant both times, standing nervously at the edge of the sink, waiting for those pink lines to show up...

Lots of years, lots of memories, lots of crap. I can't believe how much stuff I have to get rid of before we go. And I have been doing nothing but sorting, organizing and preparing for this move since we found out about it last April!

But through it all (the chaos, the selling of my beloved belongings, the sometimes raw emotions) I am keeping in the forefront of my mind the picture of our family, the five of us, together again, sitting down for dinner at a new kitchen table, in a new dining room in our new house. A beautiful new place that will be a blank slate for us to write our memories on. That's what helped me dry my eyes as I drove home from Winco with a trunk full of groceries. Things are just things. So I will let the rocking chair go, even though it pains me. I will let the boys' nursery furniture go, even though I adore it. I will let those things go, because the memory of those things will stay with me forever, even if the item itself is gone.

I am thinking that "Home Is Where the Heart Is" 

might be my big life lesson as I head into my 29th year here on this planet.

I was talking to my grandpa when I took the boys to the beach Tuesday (which I did all by myself- and was quite proud!) and he was telling me that his doctor stops checking for certain cancers at his age because by the time it caused a problem, he'd be dead anyway. (He turns 80 in January.) And I asked him if getting old bothered him, and he said no. He said he notices that he's slowing down and isn't as able-bodied as he once was, but that doesn't bother him either. So then I asked him the real question. I asked him if the thought of dying bothered him. And he said to me, "I've always thought there are worse things than dying. Dying's easy. Then it's done. No, I think there really are some things worse than that."

What a change in my mind was made as he said that and those words really sunk in.  Maybe being without Josh is as bad as it feels. Maybe the pain of living is unbearable at times. I find that strangely comforting. Going through the pain of losing things, losing loved ones may be rough, but the alternative (dying) isn't worth trading in on.  Things'll get easy when I die. I'll have plenty of time for rest when I'm dead.

Meanwhile, I've got boxes to pack, furniture to sell & a husband to miss.

Plates in the air

I'm not sure why, but ever since I got back from Anchorage I am finding this single parenting thing especially difficult. Today, for instance, it felt like from the moment we all woke up, every single one of my three children was consistently  needing me at the same time. For example, at lunch I was feeding Jack his yogurt (he likes me to "airplane" it into his mouth sometimes for old times' sake), and Logan was in the bathroom hollering for me to bring him another book (they have taken to reading books while they poop) and Wyatt was in his bouncer screaming because he was tired and kept spitting his binky out. And in a case like that, no single need is dire, not one child more desperate for my attention than the other, but all three wanted me. And I am only one person.

 So I stopped feeding Jack to give Wyatt is bink again, told Logan if the poop was out, he was done reading, and then finished feeding Jack.  But it's this constant juggling (tomorrow it will be twelve weeks of juggling) that exhausts me. I have so many plates in the air, that if I stop moving they will all crash down. I told Josh I just need a day where I do nothing but enjoy the three boys, or some time to myself, but if I skip household chores, dishes or laundry for a day, I will have to make up for it, which makes the break often not worth it. Does that make any sense?

 I have things floating around in my head all the time that should make it onto a to-do list (Buying cloth diapers for Marshall... Getting my winter gear at the outlets... Making time to get a storage unit...) but as I am making my way to the kitchen counter where said list lies, I decide that I should probably vacuum and finish packing that box of things to send to Josh. And then Logan needs me to blow his nose and Jack has hit his own finger with a hammer and Wyatt is pooping (I'm pretty sure it's up-the-back) and by the time I get to the kitchen three hours later, I can't remember what I was even headed that way for, let alone the precise item that was going to make it's way onto my list...

 I have been losing my temper with the boys lately. YELLING. Oh lordy be, the yelling. I hate myself so much when I yell.  They get sad and scared and can't even listen to what I'm trying to say because I am freaking them out. But for the love of everything holy, they don't hear me when I say it the first seventeen times, and since there are two of them, I am actually saying everything thirty-four times and it is making me insane.

And the questions. Oh my gosh with the questions. "What, mommy? Who are you talking to? Why did you say that? Why did she say that? Who's coming over? Why is it foggy? Is the baby hungry? Do we need gas in the car? Where does God live? Are we going in the carwash? Are some people afraid in the car wash? Can I hold the baby? What's Wyatt doing? Why does he do that?" And on and on and on...

 And I don't want to be the parent that quells their curiosity, but in this case, curiosity may kill the mommy. And even when I do answer, and answer, and answer them, they don't really listen. They will often ask the same question ten times before they hear that I am saying yes to them. It's so frustrating.

But on the flip side, I have been seeing a side of the twins lately that is something I have waited for. You know when you meet ignorant people at the store who assume to know something about your life? Those people usually say to me that I am lucky I have twins because they entertain each other. Really? Whose twins entertain each other? This is what I used to think. But the last week or so, I have been noticing that they are playing both side by side independently without fighting, and actually playing together without fighting. They are sharing toys better, and resolving more conflict without me. It is the biggest blessing. I attribute the change partly to their age, but mostly to pre-school. Whatever the reason, I am grateful because I was imagining all of us stuck in the house in Marshall for five months and wondering how we would survive it...

 I've decided that instead of beating myself up for being impatient or losing my cool, I am going to try & focus on the positive and slow down when I can to enjoy these boys.

Here's what I'm grateful for today that's positive in my life:

Jack & Logan's hugs.

Bad reality TV.

The sunshine- we made it to the park this morning!

Josh loves me.

I weigh 172 lbs. That's down from 205 lbs. when I had Wyatt.

The new towels & shower curtain I found for our Marshall house.

My car- I love it.

The fantastic sheets on my bed.

Wyatt is ours.

What are you grateful for that may seem small, but feels really big to you?

Baby Love

More of Milo

 My sister & sweet nephew Milo...

 Look at all that hair!

 He looks just like my sister did when she was born!

 Wyatt meeting his newest cousin.

 He was so happy to see Roxanne!

 Nanny with her sixth grandson!

 Mommy getting to know her second son.

 Nanny & Wyatt

 My sweet boy

Milo was nine pounds, which everyone says is a big baby-- but to me, he felt light as a feather!

Such a sweetheart!

Wyatt & Milo are three & a half months apart.

And in this picture, Wyatt is 18 lbs. & Milo is 9 lbs.

The Tucker Boys

Bruce, Ferris, Milo & Blake

Anchorage Museum

 My first day in Anchorage was beautiful. The flight in was breath taking. Seeing all those snow capped mountains and untouched land spread as far as the eye could see was inspiring. It really made me think about how small I am on a global scale. (It sounds cliche, I know... but it's true!)

 How could a sight like this not make you think of God & life being bigger than you?

I am in love with this beautiful building.  This is the Anchorage Museum, and it's the most sparkly building I think I have ever seen.

Not only is the outside of the museum beautiful, the inside boasts all kinds of artistic renderings of the great state of Alaska. Here the Northern Lights.

 And here a snowy sunset.

 I am sucker for clouds, and this one really took my breath away. It was huge!

 More Northern Lights.

 An artsy shot of a glacier.

 City Lights... Soon I won't see those!

 Josh had fun in the hands-on part of the museum, and watching him tinker with all the machines reminded me of his dad. 

 We both tried to get this to make bubbles all the way around us, but it kept popping!

 We slowly meandered the museum, taking in the sights, and holding each others hands.

 I  just kept looking at Josh. He was so familiar, yet his weight loss & super long hair were all new to me. We talked and talked. We talked about the boys, his students, the housing, the weather, our families. It was so nice to talk to him, laugh with him, be with him again after ten weeks apart.

He told me the thing he missed most about being in a city is the convenience.  The ease of running to the store, or grabbing a bite to eat. But the absence of such conveniences is also what he attributes his weight loss to. No fast food, no soda.

What he misses most about us is rough housing with the boys, holding Wyatt and kissing me... So sweet!

What I miss most about him is his hugs, and having him step in when I'm losing it with the boys. It was good for us to be together to remember all the wonderful things we love about each other.

I feel so lucky that we got four days to experience life as a family of three. When the twins were born we went from a couple to a family of four in one fell swoop!  So getting the chance to enjoy our littlest blessing alone was awesome.  Going out to eat with him sleeping in his car seat, shopping & touring the museum with him in the Ergo, and laying in bed, watching TV with him asleep in one of our arms was so precious.

The best part about being with Josh was just the everyday things we did. Those are the things I miss. Those are the things that make me cry when I'm at home. Thursday night we watched The Office, and that brought me more joy than you could know. I hate watching it by myself because it was "our show." We also watched lots of shows like NCIS and Law & Order, which I can't watch by myself cause I get scared.

We shopped for some things for our Marshall house at Walmart and I so enjoyed walking the aisles, hand in hand, discussing towel colors & prices, like we were back home.  It was also nice to brush our teeth side by side and have his side of the bed occupied.  I just felt complete again. It was a great feeling.

It was fun to get a taste of Alaska, enjoy my husband and have a break from the monotony of caring for our three kids by myself.  I am now on the countdown to when I get to hug him again, and for those counting, it's 64 days! (I even put a ticker at the bottom of the blog, so you can check in to see how close we are!)

After he gets here, we will celebrate the holidays & squeeze in as much family time as possible.  Then on January 8th our real adventure begins as we will load our three kiddos & all our earthly possessions onto a plane headed (eventually) for Marshall, Alaska with a small layover in Anchorage. It's really happening, and it's so exciting!

Stay tuned!

Feeling Famous

Today I had my first run-in with a fan! 

I spent the morning running errands with all three boys and was at Target getting the last few things on my list. The twins had been out of the cart while I shopped for rainboots, and instead of listening and staying with me on the aisle I was on, they were running like animals all over the shoe department. Finally I put them both in the cart and we proceeded to checkout.

Much to their dismay we did not visit the toy aisle as I had promised because they had broken the rules by running away from me.  Loud screaming ensued while I loaded the conveyor belt with my selections.  Then this woman approached me with her little girl and I figured she was going to give me a little sympathy about my screaming pre-schoolers. Instead she introduced herself as Daphne and said she's a follower of my blog!

She said she was geeking out a little meeting me in person, and in that moment I flashed on Kate Gosselin, running through the airport as strangers shouted hello to her & her children.


I felt famous!

Daphne said she's a friend of Angela's, a girl who grew up on my street, just a few years older than me, whom I adored growing up. I wanted to be Angela. In fact, when we played house, I was always "Angela" or "Baby" from Dirty Dancing.  She follows Angela's blog, and that's how she found mine.

She said she was so happy that I got the opportunity to go visit Josh and gave me props for surviving/managing all this time without him.  She also said I looked good, which made me feel wonderful.

I think there truly is no end to the amount of love & support I get from my blog. I am so grateful to have this outlet, and so grateful to have readers out there, joining me on this journey.

It was a bit surreal, I was thinking in the car on the way home, that I didn't know this woman's face or name before she approached me, yet she could know nearly all my inner thoughts from the last three years.  But I have always said I am an open book, and I am blessed to be able to share this adventure I call my life with all of you!

Thanks for the love, Daphne!

Hugs!!!

Little Moments

The other day after naps, I found Jack reading to the baby.

 Whenever I am driving without the boys and see trains, airplanes, dump trucks or workers, I feel like it's a waste.  They love to see those so much, I always wish they were with me when I happen upon them.

He kept asking me what it said so he could "read" it.

Yesterday it was foggy out and when the boys & I walked out to the car they said, "Who did this?" And just as I started to answer Jack said, "I think someone's doing smoke." (That's what he says for smoking.) And I told them, no it was fog. That it was a foggy day.  They kept saying "froggy" instead of "foggy." Then Logan asked why it was foggy and I told him the clouds came down to the land and that's what made it foggy. But he still wanted to know why. So I told him God must have wanted it foggy.

It's his Old MacDonald hand puppet book- it's really cute!

So then today Logan said God must not have wanted it to be foggy today.  Then he asked me where God was. So I told him in heaven. In the sky.  Then he wanted to hear his Veggie Tales song, God is Bigger Than the Boogy Man. So we sang it on the way to school.  Sometimes I am really just flying by the seat of my pants here, raising these boys who are so darn curious about ev-er-y-thing!!!

Wyatt was a good listener.

We were driving home from pre-school Monday and we pulled up next to a car that had WSU flags on both back windows & bumper stickers to boot.  Jack told me, "That's like Daddy's shirt, mommy!" He was so excited.

This picture of these two just melts me.

At night the boys each get to hold Wyatt & sing him a song in their bed before hugs & kisses. Lately Logan chooses "School Song" (also known as "The More We Get Together") and Jack chooses "If You're Happy and You Know It." He says "If you're happy and you know it, shake your hands!" and then he helps Wyatt shake his tiny fists. It's adorable & heart warming.