home

 So after three days of traveling on three airplane rides with three semi-obnoxious children, we are home.  I have never been so happy to be home as I was on Wednesday. It's not that I was dying to be in Marshall  necessarily, especially since summer had just arrived in the Northwest as we were leaving, I was just so sick of being on the go with our whole family.  Packing and re-packing luggage & the diaper bag... I was so over it!  I told Josh I could have kissed the gravel at the airport!

 That said, if I am being honest, travel with the kids was not too bad.  The first flight felt way longer than three and a half hours, perhaps because it was past the kids' bedtime and none of them would sleep.  And I couldn't stop weeping.  Also, the man in front of Jack and I kept looking back to give me dirty looks when Jack would put his feet on his chair. Hello! He is four. I am sorry that his feet touching your chair is making you crazy, but if you'd prefer, you can sit back here and hold the screaming thirty pound baby and tend to the demands of said four year old, and I will happily take your seat (butt kicking and all) and read the book I naively put in my purse with the idea of reading it whilst my children slept on this flight. {sigh} Jerk.

 We arrived in Anchorage around nine local time, and got our rental car.  We found McDonald's for the twins, fed them since they had run out of meals by the time they reached our rows on the plane (!!!) and put them to bed.  We followed suit shortly.

 For being in a hotel, I have to say all of us slept fairly well.  I think my hysterical sobbing the day we left made for a good nights' sleep the first night, and our insane day of shopping and errands all over Anchorage made the second nights sleep also welcome.

I have discovered about myself that airline travel is not my forte.  I tolerate it alright, but truth be told, the entire day before I leave, I have diarrhea. Isn't that horrible? Once I am on the plane, I am fine. Thank God.  But it's that whole "Catch the plane on time, get the kids settled, make sure I'm not missing something (or someone)" that freaks me out.  It is truly horrible. And it happens every time I fly.

Sorry for the TMI.

 After a day spent shopping (mostly for our Walmart bush order- groceries I shopped for and Walmart will ship to us) and an evening swimming, we promptly went to bed.  Good thing, too because we were up bright and early the next day to catch one of two planes that would eventually get us to Marshall.

Anchorage to Bethel the flight was okay.  The plane felt really small and crowded.  I was grateful the baby slept the whole ride and we arrived safely in Bethel.  We had a five hour layover in Bethel, which has a terminal the size of our living room.  We managed okay, feeding the kids lunch and napping them on a huge bench, but were nonetheless ecstatic when our flight was able to leave earlier than planned.

 It took about forty minutes or so to reach Marshall, and from the air I got some fabulous pictures.  I was happy to be seeing Alaska from the air minus the snow. It is so beautiful.  We looked for moose and bear, but no luck.  Josh has seen both from the air before, and I am so jealous!

 Getting settled in at home has been really peaceful.  I have enjoyed unpacking and organizing things the way I want.  Minus the crazy rainy/windy weather and some scheduled (unbeknownst to me) power and water outages, things have been pretty smooth. The twins are overjoyed to be back with their toys, and the baby is happy to have so much room to crawl after his brothers.  

We moved Wyatt's crib upstairs, so all three boys are sharing a room again, as they were at Josh's parents house this summer.  I love having all three of them together in the same room, and so far it is working beautifully. Especially at nap time because the twins don't have to be near as quiet now that Wyatt is asleep upstairs instead of down.

The arrival of Wyatt in their room also meant something exciting for the twins- bunk beds! Josh and I put their two beds together and now they have big boy bunks.  It makes their room super cozy and now I just can't wait for my mom's quilts to arrive for them, and Julie's art to come-- then their room will really feel complete. Oh! I also got a great deal on a rug at Walmart in Anchorage, so that should be here soon as well.  I can't wait to post before and after pictures!

 I have gotten right back into the swing of things here.  Our routine was my sanity in the spring, and it has been my sanity this week as well.  I made bread already, and this afternoon I plan to make some tortillas.  Last night was Friday night, which meant date night for Josh and I. He made homemade pizza (delish!) and we watched Catch Me If You Can with Leonardo DiCaprio.  I may or may not have fallen asleep on the couch after eating my pizza.  (Hey! It was hard work settling back in here... Sister needed some rest!)

 The twins have adjusted just fine, already telling me who they want to call, and who they want to paint pictures for back home.  Wyatt, however, has been having a hard time.  He wails any time I walk past him, or go into a different room. I think he has yet to figure out that only one door actually allows me to leave the house!  It will be nice when he calms down a bit about being alone or without me in a room.  He is getting into lots of no-no's and I am just watching to see what (if any) child proofing things I am going to need to be ordering from Amazon.  Mostly he just likes to close his fingers in the drawer in the kitchen and the playroom.  So far the wooden stairs have not been too much of a draw, and I am thankful for that as we don't have a gate.

 Our first night back in our own bed was divine, and with the rain, climbing out of bed each morning has been torture. It is so dreamy to imagine lounging in there as long as I please. Tomorrow that dream will come true- Sundays are my turn to sleep in! I cannot wait!

Sundays are also the day I am supposed to make bread, and I was hoping to make some to share with our neighbors, but we are out of flour and the co-op has no flour, so I am out of luck.  The co-op is pretty much out of everything right now, so I am anxious to get my hands on some eggs, soda and flour when they get in new shipments, even if it does cost an arm and a leg!!!

 So I am kind of rushing through this because my oh-so-generous husband sent me here out of the goodness of his heart and is back home with all three littles.  I have so enjoyed the quiet, the ability to update the blog and check my email.  Oh, how I miss the internet!  Josh is narrowing down what service he wants to get, and once he decides, we will order it and I will be back up & blogging from the comfort of my own living room.  Meanwhile, I will have to steal moments away from the house, trudge over to the school in the weather, hunker down in Josh's classroom and check things out that way.  Last week, it just never happened. Not sure if it will this week either, so you may not hear from me again until next weekend.

Meanwhile, if you are thinking of us, feel free to send us a care package! 

(Am I allowed to be so blunt? It's my blog, so I guess I can do what I want!)

Your care packages are really what get us through the long days stuck indoors.  We are hoping for a reprieve from the wind and pouring rain, but I'm not holding my breath.  So keep your letters, boxes & support coming.  We thrive on it!

I have updated the Care Packages page at the top of the blog (link here) and it has some ideas of things we want or need as well as our address.  I hope to be able to blog again later in the week, and perhaps share more pictures of our summer adventures.
{{happy weekend}}

Leaving

 Today we depart the Pacific Northwest to pursue what will be our second year with the Lower Yukon School District.  There are many (many) more tears this time around, as I am not solely focused on re-uniting my boys with their father and myself with my husband, as I was last time we left, in January.  

 This morning as we were packing, me listening to Sugarland sing "Stay" & crying until my chest ached, and Josh calling the airlines to see if guns & ammo can travel together in one case, I felt an underlying sense of calm that I think comes from having done all this before.  

 This will be our third time traveling with all three boys, and I know the ins and outs of travel with children.  I know what the airlines will check for free (playpen, stroller, carseats, life jackets) and what NOT to bring through security (the baby in the Ergo, water in any container, nail clippers).  

 As we stood on our respective sides of the bed, packing our luggage (his blue, mine pink) he said, "Well, I am happy that you are coming with me this time when I go."  This time last year he had already been in Alaska nearly a week, and I was home with the twins and our brand-new baby.

 We are both so sad to say good-bye to summer; good-bye to friends; good-bye to family.  

 This has been a wonderful time (minus the shots, dental work and Hand, Foot & Mouth disease, of course) and we are so grateful to have made so many memories with loved ones.

 We do not have internet yet at the house in Marshall, so you may not hear from me again for a while.  But as soon as it is up and running, I promise to get back into the swing of blogging. Oh, how I have missed it!

 Meanwhile, I hope these pictures to get you through to the next post.

 "All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy,
for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves."

-Amelia Barr

"

art

My cousin Savanna has offered her amazing artistic talent to me in the form of art for my boys' bedroom walls in Marshall.  I have hemmed and hawed, thinking over what I want in there.  Then I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond picking up a sleep mask for Josh when I came across these two pieces of art that spoke to me.  

This one is of some circles, swirls & lots of fun colors.  

It seems to me the epitome of creative, and also very playful.  

 This other piece has bits of life advice written in fun fonts, 

looks a little like chalk, and is long and rectangular.

 I would love something like that for my boys room.  

Maybe some family or brotherhood words, or a quote about brothers on it.

" There's no other love like the love for a brother.  

There's no other love like the love from a brother."

 I am a firm believer that you are what you read.  And that your surroundings can shape you.  As a homemaker, I take this idea to heart.  I believe that coming home to a candle & the smell of fresh baked cookies can take an ordinary day and make it feel special.

---

I grew up with a handful of meaningful pieces of art.  

Each one has had a huge impact on who I am, what I believe and what I stand for.

 This was on the back of my parents bedroom door. Theirs had a forest of beautiful green trees, sun dappled.  I would read it over and over.  Now, thirty years later, I believe this is the reason they are still married. 

This hung on the bathroom behind the toilet. I remember being quite proud of myself for memorizing it.  It was only later that I came to realize how profound the words really were.

 My mom had a cross stitch with these words on it. I can't quite remember the picture. I know it had a mama bear and a baby bear, but I can't recall exactly what they were doing.  It hung on the skinny spine of the wall in the dining room.  Perhaps this is why I love taking pictures.

I had this poster in my bedroom from seventh grade on.  This was who I was and what I believed.  It pains me a bit to think that I truly believed life was that simple. If only.

 "One night in deepest sleep I dreamed that on the beach I walked.

God was by my side each step and quietly we talked.

Then on the sky my life was flashed, the visions all serene

Two sets of footprints in the sand were there in every scene.

But then I noticed in some scenes of suffering pain or strife

A single set of footprints at the worst times of my life.

But God you said you'd stand by me in good times and in bad,

why then did you leave me each time my life was sad?

My precious child God answered when your life had pain I knew,

the single set of footprints were the times I carried you."

---

This was also in our bathroom.  I took great comfort in the idea that God was carrying me through the rough times.  I continue to put my faith in this idea.  That when my legs give out, I will continue on with His strength.

 "Cleaning & scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, 

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."

---

My mom had this in the laundry room at the big house.  I remember the moment when I realized just what it meant.  And it has been increasingly true with every passing day of Wyatt's life.  Just tonight I sat in the boys' room rocking Wyatt long after he had nodded off, memorizing the shape of his nose, the curvature of his eyelashes, the shimmery white blonde of his hair.  He is growing with every breath he takes and I don't want to miss a second.

Savanna already drew me two pictures for our house in Marshall. One is of Josh and I on our wedding day, and the other is a beautiful flower with the word "Bloom" alongside it.  I plan to put that one on my bedside table in Marshall so that everyday I remember what my purpose is there.

I can't wait to see what she creates for my boys. I know it will be amazing.

delicate

 The last few weeks I have been feeling like life is delicate.  I feel emotions well up inside me when I close the boys' bedroom door at night, each one tucked cozily in bed with their favorite bubba clenched in their pudgy pink fingers.

I feel gratitude for their presence in my life, and panic for how quickly time is passing.  I feel peace in knowing they are safe, together, in their room and I feel excitement for what phases are yet to come.

Something is especially precious about this time with the baby.  He is 13 months old now, and still not walking.  Before I know it he will be cruising the couch, then taking his first tentative steps, and the transition from baby to toddler will happen.

 I know this because I have seen it.  

These boys, these four-year-olds in navy blue Croc boots, playing cars at a picnic table one campsite over, used to be my babies. They used to sit in a puddle of thigh pudge, playing contentedly with stacking rings.  Now they are swimming, bike riding, helping with their little brother... becoming big boys.

 I struggle to manage the delicate balance of sharing my boys and enjoying them myself.  I want so badly at the end of each day to know I did right by them.  That I was patient and giving of myself to them. And that I was present.

But with knowing we leave for home in three weeks, I also want them to spend more time with family.  More time with aunts, grandmas, cousins and papas.

 I went to the doctor today because my cycles have been strange. I am hoping everything comes back normal, and I'm sure they will, but just the thought that something could be wrong, that I could lose all this, terrifies me.  To not be here for this, for their lives, would kill me.

 I am going to be thirty this year. Three decades I have spent on this planet, and I have to say that the last four years, being a mother, has taught me more than all the previous years combined.  I feel that I understand the world better now.  I know why people act the way they do, and I understand that no matter how long you live, it simply isn't long enough.

My sister's little one, Ferris, is the funniest kid ever. I love him.  He calls me 'Aunt Shelly' now, never just 'Shelly'.  And when Roxanne tells him what to do and he doesn't like it, he tells her, "Stop. Wait. Be nice, mommy." Oh my goodness, he cracks me up.

He also has a sensitive side.  Like when Roxanne sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, he cries.  I think he gets it from me. (okay, not really... but I cry when I hear certain songs, too.)

Today I heard 'Was That My Life" by Jo Dee Messina and I shed some tears.

I close my eyes and think how lucky I have been
To hold the ones I love and share my dreams with them
All those sunny days and all those starry skies
Good morning kisses and sweet goodnights

I can't tell them enough
Just how much that they are loved

When I left Vancouver in January, 

which feels like a hundred years ago, 

I was ready. 

I was ready to go to Marshall. I was ready to live with Josh. 

I was ready to have my family reunited. 

I was ready to leave Vancouver. 

My readiness to go was my blessing.  

It allowed me to leave all I ever knew without so much as a glance backward.

Now that we have been together nearly eight months

- three boys, two parents, one happy family-

and now we have spent the summer here, in the beautiful Northwest, surrounded by extended family and beloved friends, I am absolutely dreading our departure.

Leaving everyone sounds awful.  Not seeing my nephews for months, not hugging my mom or sister, not laughing with Carol, Carl or Samuel as we sit casually around the living room, sounds awful.

But I have to admit that I am looking forward to my arrival.  

Leaving? No. 

Landing? Yes.

There are so many things I am looking forward to at home in Marshall.  I am anticipating our own space, our old schedule and doing pre-school with the twins.  I am excited to see old friends and meet new staff.  I am curious what late summer will be like in Alaska, as well as fall and heading into the darkness.

I have grown in this, my twenty-ninth year on the planet, and for that I am grateful.  I have learned that I don't have to choose.  That I can love Alaska and I can love Washington. Just as loving Logan does not mean I can't love Jack.  I have learned that I can love my own family and my family of origin.  I have learned that life is fragile, {delicate, as I put it} and that each day must be treasured.

If I died tomorrow, I am sure that my boys would know without a doubt they were my world.  Josh would know I loved him as my soulmate and my best friend. My love for them would be my legacy.
This kind of growing & learning has its pains.  There have been tears, and a plethora of emotions, some of which I felt ill prepared to cope with.  But from those most uncomfortable moments came growth, marked by changes in my thinking, my behavior, and my relationships.

My new favorite quote?  

“I exist as I am, that is enough.” 

–Walt Whitman

I am me.  Whatever that may mean at any given moment.  

In this delicate existence we call life, just being present where I am is enough.

~

an exciting life

So I was on the phone yesterday with a girl from the Vancouver Clinic, making a shots appointment for Wyatt & a follow up for me.  She wanted to confirm she had the right address.  

 Yep, I told her, the PO Box is accurate. We live in rural Alaska during the school year, my husband is a teacher, and we are just here for the summer.  

Is it always dark there? she asked.

 I told her no.  That where we live it does get mostly dark-- about four hours of sunlight at the most, but that in the summer it's mostly light. You get both extremes.

 We continued on, making appointments and figuring schedules when I told her that one particular day wouldn't work because the twins have Grandma's Camp. 

 Twins?!? she asked.  Wow, you have an exciting life!

---

This stuck with me, and I can't stop thinking about it.  

 I guess I really do have an exciting life.  

 For some reason her saying that really made it hit home.  

I am living an adventure.  

 And I am kind of excited to get back to it. 
----------

 Meanwhile we are making the most of our time here,
enjoying family, friends & the Great Northwest.

 I miss blogging and will be happy to get back into my routine of consistent blogging.  

I appreciate everyone who has mentioned they miss me... miss the blog.

 After a while I started to wonder if my life is really all that exciting to read about, but you loyal readers have made it clear you miss my posts & that makes my heart swell. 

 Thank you! 

 {{hugs}}