Sacrifice.
We
all know it.
We’ve
all done it.
Especially
those of us who are mothers. Think of
how many hours of sleep, or warm meals we have missed to satisfy the needs of
the littles who depend on us.
This
week I have been thinking a lot about sacrifice. About what it takes to run a family, be a
wife, be a mother. In particular a
mother who stays-at-home. We sacrifice careers, respect & income. We sacrifice personal space,
quiet time, and private trips to the bathroom.
I have
personally sacrificed what, to some, may be an insane amount in order to be
home with my children. The sacrifices
were well worth the rewards, but that doesn’t make the sacrifices any less
monumental. I sacrificed grocery stores,
my car, and local parks. I sacrificed my extended
family, my friends, my hometown. I
sacrificed Burgerville, Barnes & Noble, Target. I sacrificed the pool, the zoo and the
library.
In
losing so much, you would think, “Wow, she must be headed some place great!” And in reality, I was. I was headed “home”.
But also in reality, I was headed to bush Alaska. Where fall is cold and winter is colder. Where snow falls nine months of the year, and
the wind howls like a jet outside my bedroom window most nights. The co-op is often out of eggs & butter,
and some days our mail planes can’t land because of a low cloud ceiling.
But
the weather and the store aside, Marshall is home. Or at least I am working to make Marshall
home. I would say that 90% of my time in
Alaska is spent within the walls of our housing unit. Those are the hours that are a
challenge. The time spent outside our
four walls, in the community, exploring; at the park or post office; visiting
with the locals, is time that flies by and warms me to all things Yupik. It’s the hours inside our home, which right
now has no television, no internet and no
water (!), that can drive me stark raving mad.
It
would be easy for me climb up on the pity pot (as long as I didn’t flush-
remember? no water) and feel sorry for
myself. I can’t wash dishes, shower, do
laundry or flush my literal toilets. But I am trying to embrace the challenge
and accept that it is what it is. So
instead, I have been meditating on the idea of sacrifice. I may not have washed my hair in three days
(trust me, it’s as bad as you think) and I may have laundry piled behind the
laundry room door to the point of bursting open, but I am trying to see the
silver lining, which is that I can’t do any of my regular chores. So I am reading our new Scholastic order
books, planning pre-school for the next two months, and teaching Wyatt new
words. “Nigh-night”, “Bath”, and “Dog”
are way more fun than a load of whites, washing the breakfast bowls and
scrubbing the kitchen table.
In
every sacrifice, there is a gain. In leaving
everything behind in Washington, I gained lazy mornings spent on the couch with
my big boys, watching Despicable Me, while Wyatt naps. I gained rocking Wyatt
to sleep for every nap (in my rocking chair- it finally came!) and being the one who goes in
to get him when he wakes up. I gained time for making homemade bread, tortillas
& cookies each week. I gained peace of mind in knowing that I am where I am supposed to be, and Josh is providing for
us.
Living
in bush Alaska may provide its challenges, but it also has its rewards. I love the slower pace out here. I love the
sense of wilderness. I love the dirt roads, and no buildings as far as the eye
can see. I love the view of my tundra
out front. I love the fresh air, the
sunshine and the power of the river. I
love the small town feel, waving at each person who passes on the road to the
post office, and knowing many of the families that make up Marshall’s
community. I love the sound of children,
birds & four wheelers all drifting into the house as I play with the boys.
For
everything I lost (or as I prefer to see it, sacrificed), there is something
different and equally good that I gained.
Unfortunately, each day doesn’t come out even. And there are days when not being able to hug
my mom or sit on Julie’s backyard swing with her almost breaks my heart. But there are also days where I think, “There
is nowhere else I’d rather be,” and I feel complete peace about our decision to
live out here.
I
hesitated to write about what I have sacrificed to be home with our boys because I felt like I was tooting my own horn, but
I have it on good authority that this isn’t the case.
According
to Walt Whitman, “If you done it, it ain’t bragging.”
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In
other news… Josh will be gone for four days at the end of the week for training
in Anchorage, and the week after next he will be principal Monday through
Thursday, which means even though he’s “here”, he won’t be here.
---
The
big boys have taken up praying. It is
the cutest thing I have ever heard. When
Josh was gone in Hooper Bay Jack was praying for him at dinner and his prayer
went a little something like this:
“Dear
God, Please bring Daddy home safely. JESUS CRHIST! Amen.”
I
was cracking up. The name was in the
right place, but the emphasis was, perhaps a little more appropriate for say,
slamming your finger in the car door.
Holy hilarious.
And
night before last Logan was praying and
he said, “Dear God, Thank you for God.
Thank you for making our house cozy.
Thank you for our whole family. Thank you for Jesus. Amen.” I just love
listening to their prayers, and seeing how comforted they are by them.
---
Josh’s
parents just left after a weeklong visit.
Unfortunately
the weather sucked everyday but Sunday, when we were able to go climb Mt.
Pilcher.
It
was cold, and a long, hard hike, but the view was totally worth it!
They
brought groceries with them, and I was able to try my hand at homemade lasagna,
as well as a HUGE moose roast and we also ate a lot of fresh tortillas!
---
I
am reading a lot lately—and it’s a struggle for me when I am reading a book I
dislike to put it down and pick a new one. But I have decided life is too
short to read crappy books. So I picked up and put back down Julie & Julia,
and have instead moved on to Little Earthquakes, a book about four different
women, about to become mothers. It’s
pretty good so far.
---
The
boys got their glasses back and we are all overjoyed!!! Logan puts his on the second his eyes pop
open, and I have noticed a difference in school, as well. They can actually see
their work!
---
Unfortunately
there is still no word on internet… But we will be getting television. Josh brought it up a couple weeks ago, and my
instant reaction was NO! I don’t want it.
But he has so little that he looks forward to, that I know it would mean
a lot to him to have it. Mostly he wants it so he can watch sports- football games,
basketball games, baseball games, or at least the highlights on ESPN. So we are just
awaiting a receiver. There are two other
things that will be nice about having TV (aside from a happy hubby) and those
are: being able to rent movies to watch for date night, and allowing the boys
to watch TV instead of the same ten movies over and over. A little variety might be nice! Although, I know it is making me nervous,
because the other night I dreamed Josh kept sneaking away from family time to
watch ESPN!
---
We
have made a decision, and Christmas will be spent in Marshall. It was not an easy decision, and it meant
declining some generous offers to help get us home, but we feel this is the
best decision for our family. Between
airfare, car rental and hotel costs, and
the challenge that is traveling with all three kids, we decided it was the
best choice. Imagining Josh off work for two weeks; us taking
turns sleeping in, playing with the boys all day, baking with them, and doing
Christmas crafts... it starts to sound quite appealing, actually. It’s when I think about
what I’m missing at home in Vancouver that I get sad. But we are determined to
make the best of a tough situation. And
I think having the kids will make the holiday magic appear, no matter where we
are.
Speaking
of holidays, I have to say I am super sad to miss out on the pumpkin patch this
year. It’s my favorite holiday
outing. I love the trees, the leaves,
the pumpkins, the hot cocoa. I am super
bummed about it. I talked to Krista, a
fellow teacher & mama of littles here in Marshall, and she said every year
she has been here (which is six years) they have had to wear snow pants to Trick
or Treat. This makes costumes a bit of a
challenge. Luckily my mom was up for the challenge, and we should have some
super cute little Halloween boys! {Snow suits or not!}
Meanwhile,
time keeps marching on. We are only 40
days from my 30th birthday and a mere week from Wyatt turning 16
months old. His words are increasing everyday. He now says: yuck, snack, more,
all done, bye, hi, cracker, cookie, hot dog, bath, water, open, off, book,
ball, dog, nope & uh oh.
I think
“yuck” is my favorite. He says it so
emphatically. It’s so cute! He can also
put his diaper in the trash all by himself. {Did I mention I have given up
cloth diapering? I just cannot, for the life of me, get that horrible smell out
of my diapers. I have tried just about
everything, and finally decided enough is enough.}
That baby boy is just getting so big. His favorite activity has moved from reading
the ReadAloud books our parents recorded for the boys, to
having me (or Josh or the twins) read his new David Shannon books to him. We ordered the series of three Diaper David
hardback books for him with our last Scholastic order. It has Oops!,Oh David!, and David
Smells. His favorite is Oops! and he
will say some of the words with us- Ball, Dog, Bath… He loves it so much! And I
love seeing him try to read.
---
You
won’t be hearing from me again for probably two weeks or so since Josh will be
going out of town, and then will be working as principal for a week. I will miss you! Until then, I will say thank you so much for the care
packages, good thoughts & prayers lifted on our behalf.
