two days...

Two days left...

Two days and I get to spend the summer,

home with my boys.

Up until this very moment, I couldn't even think about it.

I couldn't face starting the summer without knowing whether or not I was going to be home in the fall. Then something just clicked. (My guess? God made it click.)

It's been a long road.  One that started years ago in 2005. I graduated with my bachelors degree and Josh started at Clark with the intention of getting his transfer degree. In October of 2006 he was hit by a drunk driver on the way home from class. He was hospitalized, not given his anti-seizure medication and had a grand mal seizure.  He suffered severe back pain, memory loss and an inability to stay awake. He had to drop his classes, wait two quarters to get off of financial aid probation and start over again.

In October of 2007 we got pregnant. In January of 2008 we found out I was carrying twins. In March of 2008 I was put on bedrest due to gallstones.  In June 2008 Josh was accepted into the teaching program at WSU-V; I gave birth to our beautiful boys; Josh graduated from Clark and started the teaching program when the boys were 12 days old.

Fast forward to June 2010 and we have two 2-year-olds; Josh has graduated and is applying for jobs; and I am just plugging away, day after day, at work.  Crying some days and shutting off the emotions on the other days.  And it has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to do.  To consciously walk away from the boys every morning, knowing that I would give anything to be home with them.  But also knowing that this was my bargain. Let Josh finish school.

And now he's done. And still we wait. Still I have no security that I will be able to stay home in the fall.  And instead of freaking out (like I have been) I am just trusting that God has a plan for my life.

Because I have wasted enough time worrying.  I have wasted enough days crying.  

As of today, I am happy to spend any day (no matter how many or how few) with my boys. If it is one moment of laughter, or a day full of laughter- I will take the laughter. I will bask in it, enjoy it. Because today is truly all I have. And if I waste this time worrying for what's next, I am missing my life.

I am missing their life.

And that just won't do.