Three weeks down

 I've been back three weeks now.  It's hard to even remember the summer home with the boys.  I know it happened, I have the photographic proof, but when I try to remember being here for every nap, every hug, every-pee-on-the-toilet celebration, I can't.  I hope I enjoyed it. I hope I didn't take it for granted. 

 Tonight, honestly, it's hard to even post pictures of the boys because I haven't been taking as many pictures as I normally do.  It's been a week since I even touched my camera.  That kills me. There just isn't time for everything anymore. And I hate that. Also, I had really hoped a job would appear for Josh by this week. 

 Being with my bubbas today was so much fun. We snuggled (some real serious snuggling, with every single bubba they own, all their pillows & blankets and the three of us squished onto one cushion of the sofa), we played (thank you, Nanny, for being so much fun at the park!) and we disciplined (hi there, have you met my TWO year old TWINS? That's them, over there, in the corner, in TIMEOUT, waiting for the timer to beep to release them from their "baby jail.")  I am exhausted... Did I mention that Saturday is my day to wake up with the boys and today they were up at 5:11am?

 All week I am able to hold it together. I think positive; I hum cheerful lyrics to songs that bring me hope; and I enjoy wherever I am at the moment I am living it. 
Then the weekend comes, and there is not enough time to soak up all the life I need to be living during the short, sweet time I am home with my three men.  There is cleaning to be done, errands to be run, laundry to be washed, books to be read, kisses to be given and blogs to be updated.  How can I possibly balance all of it?  How can it all be accomplished?

{Logan Henry}
I just have to keep adding to my {forever} to-do list.  Do the bare essentials and let the rest go, I guess.  Like the re-organizing I planned to do with the closets this weekend.  It can wait. Because what I really need to do is spend some time with this little man.

He is so fragile right now.  He has become quite shy, and easily embarrassed (like if he does something cute & Josh or I laugh, he closes his eyes and turns red) and though he does not regularly seek me out for cuddle time, any time I have offered it this weekend, he has gladly accepted. I need to make time to reach out to him.  To hold him, hug him, kiss him, and assure him that although I am at work five days a week, the time when I am home, I will be fully *mentally* here as well.  For him.

{Jack Sawyer}
And this little guy, who wears his heart on his sleeve. Who HATES when Mommy is upset with him. Or just upset in general.  If he sees that I am short-tempered or crying, he'll say, "Hi Mommy" in the sweetest, tiny, soft baby voice that you ever did hear, and if I'm not crying already, it can make me cry.  Because this kid knows me. He reads me.  He feels me.  I have to try and keep it together for him, because he is my barometer. 

~

Oh, how I love these boys. Heart & soul, I am theirs.  I am doing everything I can to be everything they need. To be their provider, their caregiver, their housekeeper and most importantly their Mommy.  That is my most important job.  I pray that they can feel that. That they know they are my priority.

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{My sweet, lovely blog readers, I want to thank you for reading. For allowing me to share my heart with you. For allowing me to spill into my blog the emotions I am facing being a working mother.  I so appreciate this outlet, your love, prayers & support. You mean so much to me. Love always, S }