133 weeks

"You could be waiting for a day that won't come,
And you could be so much more than you've become.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,

But you could be waiting for a day that won't come...

You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And you could be so much more than you've been.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
You could be waiting for your life to begin.

And it's so sad,
You're so good and I'm so bad!
But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had.

And it's such a shame,
That I can't tell you anything!
You won't hear me still you endear me now!

Hard to see past the window facing forward looking back,
Over years spent tracing wondering how you left your track.
Underwater breathing burns your lungs and breaks your back,
  But you could be waiting right here for a day that won't come."

-Nine Days

I listened to this album from high school today and the lyrics totally spoke to me. The day I am waiting for may never come.  Being a stay at home mom, my dream, may never come true. This is something I really need to work on getting over. Even as I write this I have trouble believing it. But I have spent the last 133 weeks waiting for that dream to come true. I wouldn't say my life has been on hold all that time, but I would say that there are days I haven't lived to the fullest.  Days that I have been just waiting for my life to begin.  But my life has begun. It's here. Right now. With my husband and my children. With my students at work.  With my family.

This emotional journey I have been on for the last five 

months has been full of ups and downs. 

Some things I've learned? 

The things I know for sure?

I can be a good mom even if I work.

I am loved.

My kids don't care how I look, only how I feel.

It's easier to give in to the sadness than to fight against it.

It's harder to watch your spouse feel lost than it is to be the one feeling lost.

Music speaks to me.

No one else has walked in my shoes.

 I know what is best for my children.

I would do anything for them.

Even if that means being without them some of the time.

I love my  husband.

It can always be worse.

Stress is cumulative.
Sometimes distance is necessary.

Breathing helps.

You're never too old to sleep with a bubba.

Everyone needs a good hug now and then.

A good book really is a great escape.

I adore my boys.

They are my only priority.

Guilty pleasures can bring joy.

I heart my Ipod.  

Girlfriends are necessary.  

I miss the sunshine.

It will return.

 and

I will, too.