Rest! Wait! Pray!

"Don't let your eyes get used to darkness.

The light is coming soon.

Don't let your heart get used to sadness.

Put your hope in what is true.

No matter how the wind may blow,

it cannot shake the sun.

Lay your sorrows on the ground,

it's time to come back home.

When the future seems uncertain,

like the coming of a storm,

Your loving Father carries His children

when they can't walk anymore.

No matter how the wind may blow,

it cannot shake the sun.

Lay your sorrows on the ground,

it's time to come back home."

-JJ Heller

This song has been a source of hope to me for many  months. I put it on when I am feeling quite hopeless and alone. I listened every day on the way to work when I first lost my sidekick Lisa D.  I needed the comfort the words provided. Particularly being carried when I can't walk anymore.  

I listened today because it's Sunday. And Sundays are hard. They are bittersweet for me. I am so overjoyed to be home with my boys for another day, it's my day to sleep in, and we usually just hang out at home which I love.  But it's also the day before I have to go back to work. Which means Sunday night is all about prep for the following week. Laundry, dishes, tidying up the house, packing the diaper bag & my lunch...

 I am not myself lately. I am sure you loyal readers have surmised as much. I hardly blog anymore (compared to how often I used to blog), I rarely get out the camera to capture my boys' adorable moments, and I am just not the ray of sunshine I believe myself to have been at one point.  I am struggling with what I assume is depression and what I know is anxiety.  I am still having a hard time believing/accepting that I am pregnant. And it's making me feel so guilty.  I want to be excited for this baby, but I am so nervous.  For its health, for the impact on our family, for having three children...  Being so sick (with colds & whatnot) along with my nausea and exhaustion is making it even more difficult.

Then on top of that is the fact that I am still working. I feel like a broken record: I hate working. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want Josh to be able to find full time work. I want to be with those boys full time.  I miss them.

I am trying to trust God and believe that it's going to happen in His time. But lately with my hormones so out of whack, I've been having trouble holding onto hope.  I fear that this is how it will always be. We will always live in this crappy house, we will always be broke, and I will never be a stay-at-home mom like I always dreamed.

When I get to feeling really low, I try to pray, talk to Josh or read either my "Blessings" book (a collection of inspirations) or the bible.  Recently I read this article in my Blessings book:

"Are insurmountable problems about to do you in? Are you nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, emergencies, and trials of all kinds? These may be divinely appointed instruments for the Holy Spirit to use in your life. It could take days or even weeks, but if you are patient and willing to find out how God plans to use your current struggles, they can become an avenue for spiritual growth.  Problems can turn into possibilities. Tribulations can become a blessing that God could get to you in no other way.

Bring all your problems to the Lord. Hold them up to Him in prayer.  Sit quietly and wait for him to work. Your restless fretting accomplishes nothing. Rest! Wait! Pray! Do nothing that you are not thoroughly convinced in your spirit he is leading you to do. Give God a chance to work. The insurmountable problems that you face today will become God's opportunity to reveal His love and grace to you as you have never known before."

And so I prayed.

And now I wait...

 I believe that I am on the edge of a breakdown. I have cried every day for about two weeks. I struggle to enjoy anything except Jack & Logan.  And going to work feels like it is literally killing me. That's not to say that it's my actual job that is the problem- it's not. I love my students, I love the staff, I love being in the school setting.  It's leaving Jack & Logan behind. It's waking up and having them ask, "Mommy's going to work today?"  It's the tantrums when I finally get home.  It's not ever feeling that I have enough time. To play, to hug, to laugh. Not to mention in which to do the laundry & housekeeping. Or spend time with my husband. 

And although I am dying to stay home, I just can't see a way to make it happen.  I keep stewing on it. Hoping I will see a way.  Hoping He will find a way, make a way. My heart says, "Just quit.  Be home. It will all work out." But my brain says, "Be responsible. You have a family to provide for.  The future is uncertain."  I am so torn.  I wish I knew for certain what God wants. Does He want me to be patient and wait for Josh to find a job first? Or does He want me to take a leap of faith? Until the answer is clear, I will hold off on any decision making.

Next week is full of appointments that may make some things a little more clear for me.  Monday will be my first counseling appointment. Since I am pregnant, I would like to avoid medication as the solution for my anxiety & depression.  So I am going to see if I can't learn a few different coping mechanisms for the meantime.  

And Wednesday is both my ultrasound (where we will find out the sex of the baby) and my second doctor appointment. I was supposed to have one over Christmas break, but the doctor had an emergency c-section, so it was canceled.  I have so many questions for her.  First and foremost, I want the results of the ultrasound- is the baby okay?  Then I want to know if my insomnia, cuh-razy (!!!) dreams and continuing severe exhaustion are normal.  I also want to know if my back pain (which today has been unbearable) is from the pregnancy or something else.  I would also like her to wave her magic wand and make my nausea go away. Or something like that.

Here's hoping!