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3.24.2011

Raising Twins

I recently read an article recommended by another twin mom that was written by an identical twin himself.  I felt that his article focused only on the negative parts of being a twin.  And although I didn't care for the article, it did present some interesting questions about raising twins.


Birth Order
The twin in this article shared that he and his twin were never told who was born first. He recommended doing the same for all twins.  He said this allowed he and his brother to be on an even playing field in terms of family hierarchy.  While I understand this logic, I have to say I disagree.  I believe that birth order is an important part of who you become and your place in your family.  Logan & Jack are not cognizant of the fact that Logan was born first.  However Logan fills the classic older brother role and always has.  It's who he is.  To deny him that title would be to deny part of who he is.  That, to me, is as bad as thinking of him only in terms of his twinship with Jack and not as the individual he is.


Different Classes
The author recommended different classes in school for twins.  This is something I agree with. If our boys do end up in public school (not home school) I will put them in separate classes.  I think this is the best way to assure that their teachers get to know them for who they are and don't see them as "the Cunningham twins", which is more likely because they are identical.


Individuality
The author also said that it's important to raise your twins with the knowledge that being a twin is part of who they are, but not what defines them. This is not as easy as it sounds.  It is something I struggle with. I enjoy the small celebrity that having twins affords me.  The comments at the store, the adoring glances by folks at the park, the special feeling I get knowing that identical twins only occur in 3 of 1,000 births.  While I do enjoy the attention I get while out and about with the boys, when we are at home or with family & friends, I feel that the boys are treated completely as individuals. They each have their own likes and dislikes, favorite foods & movies, distinct from one another, and my relationship with each of my sons is unique.  How I respond to Jack when he cries is not how I respond when Logan cries.  I know that each boy has his own preferences and needs.  

In this same vein, I have worked hard to teach the boys their own names and their brothers' name.  I teach them to correct people who mistake them for each other.  They even correct me!  I will say, "Logan, stop doing that!" And Logan (who is in fact not the one being naughty) will turn to me and say, "I mean Jack!" intending for me to repeat him.


Dressing alike is one area where I just can't help myself.  I love dressing them alike.  I honestly think I would do this regardless of having twins or not.  My own mother dressed my sister and I alike throughout our childhood, and we were four years apart!  I will say that lately I find myself much more lax about this.  The boys often pick out their own clothes, and always pick out their own pajamas.  So I think my days of matchy-matchy boys are limited.  Which means that I am enjoying them while they last!

According to this article, studies have shown that identical twins brains actually do work alike, which is why twins tend to get along so well.  It is also part of why it's difficult to treat twins differently, because they are just so darned alike!  But that doesn't mean that we should stop trying.


What I'd like you to know:
I don't see what you see when you look at my sons.
I see two individuals. 
In fact, I often forget they are even twins.  

When you ask how I tell them apart, and I can't answer you, I am not trying to act superior. I really can't tell you how I can.  If I really had to put it into words it would sound so far-fetched.  I feel that I can see their souls, their essence, in their eyes. Their eyes have always been how I tell them apart.  
(Although others have told me that Logan's face is rounder, whereas Jack's is longer.  Also, Jack has a cowlick in the front that causes his hair to go to the side on his forehead.  And Jack has about two inches and four pounds on Logan.  And if they're naked, Jack has an innie belly button whereas Logan has an outie from a self-healed umbilical hernia.)

Hands down, best twin book I ever read was One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. I highly recommend it to all who are fascinated by twins.

 Identical twins are just that- identical. As in, identical DNA and identical blood.  They do have individual fingerprints, but everything else is exactly the same.
Identical twinning is spontaneous. It just happens.  It is not from fertility treatment.  No one knows why it happens, and it does not run in families.

The only way to know for sure if twins are identical or fraternal (barring opposite sex twins) is to test their DNA. (As we did here.)  Even identical twins can have their own placentas, as my boys did. This is dependent on how early the egg splits.  The earlier the split, the less the twins share; the later the split, the more the twins share.

My boys are mirror twins.  One quarter of identical twins are mirror twins. This means their hair whorls go opposite directions; Logan is left handed & Jack is right handed; and their more dominant dimples are on opposite cheeks.


A twin pregnancy is not a walk in the park (bedrest is often necessary and your body is pushed to its limits), delivery of multiples is trying at best (be it vaginal birth times two or a c-section), but by far the hardest part of having twins is the first year.  Namely the first three months. It truly took at least a year for Josh and I to get to the point where being a sudden family of four felt normal and we got a handle on our lives again.  So when you tell us that you always wished you'd had twins, try not to think of us as bitter when we give you a contrite smile and start walking away.  You have no idea what it is like to be at two infants' beck and call unless you have been there.  (Oh, and having two babies close to the same age is not the same as twins... Just so we're clear!)


Raising twins is not for the faint of heart. It takes resolve, organization and dedication to both promoting their individuality and their special twin relationship, which at times can feel quite contradictory.

Am I doing it right? Only time will tell.  But if I screw it all up, it certainly won't be for a lack of effort!

12 comments:

  1. Love this post- the whole twin thing is fascinating.
    I have two adult friends that are identical twins. They worked together, in the same departmant but different roles. They dressed similarly, had matching cars, and were both bald as a cue ball. After 4 years I still can't tell them apart. They obviously don't try to make it obvious which is which. So I asked "does that drive you nuts, being mistaken for your brother all the time?" And he said "not at all. if it did, mine would be a pretty miserable existence."

    One of my good friends is pregnant with twins (IVF, not likely to be identical) so we're all gearing up for twins here.

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  2. Love this post! I can't wait to see if my girls are mirror twins... I'm thinking they are at this point. My identical twin sister and I are also mirror twins!

    Being an identical twin is a blessing!

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  3. I love this post! I have always thought it would be "cool" to have twins.... and my kids are mistaken for twins all the time ;) But I know the work invested is huge, but you do get double the smiles, double the warm fuzzy moments, double the unconditional love from them. I know that comes with double trouble, double dose of craziness, double sickness' etc... I see you doing a fine job!
    I will never forget the first set of twins I photographed. I could not and STILL can not tell them apart. But during the shoot, I took a picture of each of them individually... and (they were 3) the mom said no one had ever done that. It BLEW MY MIND. Its TWO kids! I never thought of not doing that at all, its standard for me!

    Great post!

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  4. "It's a part of them, but shouldn't define them," - Love that.
    For instance, last year camping, I remember that I was only talking about Logan (who climbed up in the back of Papa's truck and shocked Blake and I) but without thinking said, "Wow, they've grown." And Josh goes, "It's funny that you said 'they'." Josh didn't mean it rudely, but it made me think. Since then I've tried very hard to not pair them up when I'm not meaning to.
    I agree that it's hard to explain how you can tell them apart, "Uhh, 'cause he's my kid!" Haha. Some people have a knack for it and some just don't. But I get a little defensive and expect them to TRY!
    Great post, Shell!

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  5. I really liked this post. My husband is a twin and him and his brother do look a lot alike. Not now due to different hairstyles, piercings and etc. But they would get mistaken for each other all the time. When we were in high school together I would get asked how I knew which one was my boyfriend and I would almost get offended. I love how you said you're relationship with each one is different because I think it should be. My husband was incredibly close to his mom. But so was his brother just in a different way it seemed. Great post!!

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  6. I had twin girls in the first kindergarten class that I taught. Besides having cubbies next to each other and being in the same reading group, I think they had very different experiences in my classroom because the parents and I talked a lot about how they each needed to be recognized as individuals. I hope I did a good job of it and I know that their peers within the class did, but it took awhile for the school staff and kids outside of our room to get over "The A twins".

    It was pretty precious watching them go to one another for comfort on the playground. It was also amazing that they both spontaneously lost their first tooth at the same time while sitting on the rug for read aloud. But oh the competition that sometimes reared it's ugly head was just that--ugly. Thankfully that was few and far between.

    Those boys of yours are precious. Can't wait to see number 3!

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  7. I loved this post and I'm fascinated by twins because my dad was an identical twin. I admit the first time I got pregnant I was hoping for twins but after having one baby I remember thinking I must have been crazy to wish for TWO newborns to care for!!

    When my parents first were dating and they would be talking to other people my dad would say, "We don't like this..." or "We went to this restaurant..." and my mom would think, "What is he talking about?" and it took her awhile to figure out that he was talking about he and his twin. After a whole lifetime of being known as one of the twins it was hard for him to think of himself as an individual!

    It seems like you are doing a great job of balancing your boys' independence and incredible relationship as twins! I'm so happy that you are able to be home now and are having such a great time!

    Jessica

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  8. I loved this post and I'm fascinated by twins because my dad was an identical twin. I admit the first time I got pregnant I was hoping for twins but after having one baby I remember thinking I must have been crazy to wish for TWO newborns to care for!!

    When my parents first were dating and they would be talking to other people my dad would say, "We don't like this..." or "We went to this restaurant..." and my mom would think, "What is he talking about?" and it took her awhile to figure out that he was talking about he and his twin. After a whole lifetime of being known as one of the twins it was hard for him to think of himself as an individual!

    It seems like you are doing a great job of balancing your boys' independence and incredible relationship as twins! I'm so happy that you are able to be home now and are having such a great time!

    Jessica

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  9. I look at the twins and see if I can tell them apart, sometimes I can and sometimes I have to observe them. They are two, beautiful, individuals, and growing up in a family with so much love, I cannot imagine that they will ever lack for anything.

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  10. Rock on, Shelly. You seem to be doing great. My twins have a few years on yours but I remember those days when they were little. I get asked all the time how I tell them apart and mine aren't even identical!
    I don't really think of them as twins at all anymore. When they were little bitty things it was much more "them" you know? Now that we're nearing eight, they are each so different, so unique. Just like Micah and Gideon are different people. We don't have twins, we just have family, you know?
    Great post. :)
    Lacey

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  11. Awesome post and so informative! I completely understand what you're talking about when you say how you can tell them apart. I also liked the having kids close in age is not the same thing. I totally agree. My kids are all really close. My first two were 12 months and 10 days apart and my oldest was 4 when my fourth as born. I feel the same way about other people saying, "My kids are as close together as yours when they're more like two years apart. I think it's not even close to the same thing there are a whole different set of challenges when your oldest can walk and talk verses when they can't do either when the next is born.

    I think you are doing an incredible job. I love the post where you talk about them separately and give details about how they respond to things, what they like to do alone, etc. Maybe it's because I love to hear that about everyone's kids. I image it would be a struggle but I agree with an earlier comment that you'd get twice the love, smiles and such.

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