Plates in the air

I'm not sure why, but ever since I got back from Anchorage I am finding this single parenting thing especially difficult. Today, for instance, it felt like from the moment we all woke up, every single one of my three children was consistently  needing me at the same time. For example, at lunch I was feeding Jack his yogurt (he likes me to "airplane" it into his mouth sometimes for old times' sake), and Logan was in the bathroom hollering for me to bring him another book (they have taken to reading books while they poop) and Wyatt was in his bouncer screaming because he was tired and kept spitting his binky out. And in a case like that, no single need is dire, not one child more desperate for my attention than the other, but all three wanted me. And I am only one person.

 So I stopped feeding Jack to give Wyatt is bink again, told Logan if the poop was out, he was done reading, and then finished feeding Jack.  But it's this constant juggling (tomorrow it will be twelve weeks of juggling) that exhausts me. I have so many plates in the air, that if I stop moving they will all crash down. I told Josh I just need a day where I do nothing but enjoy the three boys, or some time to myself, but if I skip household chores, dishes or laundry for a day, I will have to make up for it, which makes the break often not worth it. Does that make any sense?

 I have things floating around in my head all the time that should make it onto a to-do list (Buying cloth diapers for Marshall... Getting my winter gear at the outlets... Making time to get a storage unit...) but as I am making my way to the kitchen counter where said list lies, I decide that I should probably vacuum and finish packing that box of things to send to Josh. And then Logan needs me to blow his nose and Jack has hit his own finger with a hammer and Wyatt is pooping (I'm pretty sure it's up-the-back) and by the time I get to the kitchen three hours later, I can't remember what I was even headed that way for, let alone the precise item that was going to make it's way onto my list...

 I have been losing my temper with the boys lately. YELLING. Oh lordy be, the yelling. I hate myself so much when I yell.  They get sad and scared and can't even listen to what I'm trying to say because I am freaking them out. But for the love of everything holy, they don't hear me when I say it the first seventeen times, and since there are two of them, I am actually saying everything thirty-four times and it is making me insane.

And the questions. Oh my gosh with the questions. "What, mommy? Who are you talking to? Why did you say that? Why did she say that? Who's coming over? Why is it foggy? Is the baby hungry? Do we need gas in the car? Where does God live? Are we going in the carwash? Are some people afraid in the car wash? Can I hold the baby? What's Wyatt doing? Why does he do that?" And on and on and on...

 And I don't want to be the parent that quells their curiosity, but in this case, curiosity may kill the mommy. And even when I do answer, and answer, and answer them, they don't really listen. They will often ask the same question ten times before they hear that I am saying yes to them. It's so frustrating.

But on the flip side, I have been seeing a side of the twins lately that is something I have waited for. You know when you meet ignorant people at the store who assume to know something about your life? Those people usually say to me that I am lucky I have twins because they entertain each other. Really? Whose twins entertain each other? This is what I used to think. But the last week or so, I have been noticing that they are playing both side by side independently without fighting, and actually playing together without fighting. They are sharing toys better, and resolving more conflict without me. It is the biggest blessing. I attribute the change partly to their age, but mostly to pre-school. Whatever the reason, I am grateful because I was imagining all of us stuck in the house in Marshall for five months and wondering how we would survive it...

 I've decided that instead of beating myself up for being impatient or losing my cool, I am going to try & focus on the positive and slow down when I can to enjoy these boys.

Here's what I'm grateful for today that's positive in my life:

Jack & Logan's hugs.

Bad reality TV.

The sunshine- we made it to the park this morning!

Josh loves me.

I weigh 172 lbs. That's down from 205 lbs. when I had Wyatt.

The new towels & shower curtain I found for our Marshall house.

My car- I love it.

The fantastic sheets on my bed.

Wyatt is ours.

What are you grateful for that may seem small, but feels really big to you?