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4.28.2012

Angry

I have found myself, lately, feeling very angry.  I can feel the anger running around in my head like an animal held captive.  Pacing.  

I have spent the last few days trying to track where this anger stems from.  Why my heart beats out of my chest some mornings, raging in my ears, making everything around me appear fuzzy.

I am nervous to blog about this.  Mostly because this is so real.  And also because anger is frowned upon in society. It's acceptable to be sad. It's acceptable to be anxious.  But anger? Anger in a woman? That's unacceptable.

But, I am angry.  
I don't like it.  
But there it is.

I am angry that a handful of people have made me feel less than.  Through innocent conversation my worth was put into question. I am undervalued.  And in response to that I began to wonder if it was really those people I was trying to answer or myself?  Do I wonder if there's more out there?  Do I wonder if it's all worth it?  If I am what's best for them?  Do I wonder if by choosing SAHM status I've let go of being regarded as smart? Or capable? Or educated? Does my SAHM status reduce me somehow?

I don't think I feel that way, but I feel that as a perception of others.  
I am less than.  "Just a housewife." 

"Just" nothing!
I bust my ass here!!!

I am instilling in my kids the character traits they will need to thrive & succeed later in life.  Can't we all just accept each other and our choices? How odd that as a working mom I felt judged by SAHM's and as a SAHM I feel judged by working moms.

I am mad that the numbers on my scale mean so much.  
156.6 is a very, very happy day.  
But 158.2?  That is a very, very angry day. 

I am angry that I have to exercise or watch what I eat. I am angry that I let my body get like this. I am angry that even if I do all the work and get to my goal weight, my body will still never be what it was.  And don't feed me a line about how stretch marks are beautiful.  My stomach is destroyed.  And while I wouldn't trade it for my children, I would like both. Some women have both. A stomach that is flat and unwrinkled, as well children.  I am angry that when my body was youthful, firm, beautiful, I didn't appreciate it. 

And above all, I am angry that I missed out on Logan & Jack's first two & a half years.  This is the one I keep coming back to.  I did some reading, and "they" say that most anger is rooted in pain.   

Boy, is it ever.

It's like when I was living it, I was able to pretend & ignore all I was missing. But now I am home. I am experiencing exactly what I missed the first time around, and it is breaking.my.heart that I wasn't there.  I had no idea the number of moments I missed.

 I was feeding Wyatt snack yesterday and I opened my mouth as he shoveled a Cheerio in his, and instead of feeding himself, he fed me.  Then he smiled, looked at his empty hand and grabbed for another one off the tray.  I don't know why, but this felt like a profound moment.  The interaction between mother and son so beautiful, so sacred, so fleeting.  And it made me feel hollow.

I know that when I was home, I was fully there for those boys.  I know I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt, but I also know that I need to recognize and acknowledge that loss in my life.  It is real.  That is time I can't get back.  On the other hand, I don't want to waste the time I do have wishing I had the time I missed. That doesn't make any sense.  I can never replace what has been lost.  I have to accept that the past cannot be any different than it was, forgive myself any mistakes I've made and forge a new future as their stay-at-home mommy.

But this being angry about it? It's so uncomfortable. 
I am much more comfortable being sad. Crying.  
Or anxious, breathing unsteadily, feeling as though an SUV is sitting on my chest.

I wrote my sister-in-law Julie about my anger, and she reminded me of some of the amazing things I have done this year.  Umm, like moving to the middle of nowhere without so much as a store or a girlfriend within 400 miles.  Oh, and the seventeen pounds I have lost.  

But the most important thing she said?  
Eating too much is not who I am.
I cried.

She's right. I am so much more than my labels: SAHM, writer, emotional eater, blogger, wife...  We are reduced by our labels.  I adored her honesty, and the way she so clearly sees my journey.

Why is it we can't see in ourselves what we see in each other?

I think that's all I've got for tonight. Thanks for letting me vent.  I feel better.

I will close with what feels like an appropriate quote:

"Life isn't fair, but it's still good." 
-Stephanie Nielson

{Photo credit: Jack Cunningham}

14 comments:

  1. Well written, Shelley. You are an amazing mother and person. All we can do is our best, and you're doing that. "Agonizing over what will not be is an insult to what is." Dr. Laura ... one of my favorite quotes to remind me of exactly what you discussed...

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  2. Shelly, I couldn't read this without posting a comment.
    (I read all your posts but hardly comment- I'm working on that....just letting you know! But I do read ALL of them!)

    First, I don't think you should be ashamed or nervous about being real. People are going to appreciate and connect with you better because you are authentic and not some fairy tale blogger, you know? Kudos to you for putting it out there.... because we all want to. ;)

    I think as women, we feel this pressure in our society to be the perfect do-all be-all and balance it perfectly mom.

    I find it so freaking utterly ridiculous that moms are judged by other moms. I used to compare myself to other moms ALL the time and thus judging myself or them (being honest here) but I read this quote about 2 years ago that said "don't judge me before knowing my reasons" It really spoke to me. I've used that as my motto/saying for just about everything in my life.
    I am sorry that someone made you feel unworthy. That's a really crappy feeling....even if it was indirectly to you. Still sucks.

    I agree about the stretch marks. It would be so nice to have both kids and unblemished body. My stomach is destroyed too but even when it was stretch mark free, I was never comfortable in a bikini so I tell myself that to make me feel better. LOL.

    My mind is wandering (it's almost midnight and my eyes are getting mighty heavy) so I will come back and add my other thoughts later. I just couldnt read without adding some support for you. ;)

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  3. Shelly, I love your honesty and passion. In a way you've realized you missed out on some things, but you've made decisions you can be proud of now and you've learned they were good decisions. To be home with them all now to live and grow with your sweet little boys is a blessing! To have you as their mom is also such a blessing. I am sorry you feel anger, but sometimes that lets you know you're alive and believe in something strong. :) And please know, that even if I'm not a mother yet and don't know how dang hard it is, I admire you. A lot!

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  4. Thank you for all women and men who have the opportunity to read this authentic description of something we have all experienced in one way or another. Your writing is a gift and I thank you for it and for writing about something that feels so vulnerable.

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  5. Shelly~
    I want you to know your amazing! i understand about missing out on the 1st years of the kids lives. I love being a SAHM! i also understand how others judge and its so sad our world is like this. i wanr you to know that i think your amazing and your a wonderful SAHM i think you have made wonderful choices. also you have a wonderful husband who loves you for you and he is all that matters. he is your rock and renember your boys are happy thats whats important! Love you lots keep your head up!

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  6. You have a job. A very important job. The job God handed you. He gave those three boys to you and Josh to turn into men of God. He gave you the tools, the trials and the open door to Alaska to get you to be the SAHM you were designed to be. He also gave you the job to keep your family going while Josh was paving his path to be the sole provider. There is a big picture that NONE of us can clearly see... HE can! There are paths and lots of little paths that lead to where we need to be.
    I stayed at home until my youngest went to school, although I started a photography business when she was two that kept me busy.... I just wanted and needed to help provide for the family and you may get to the point where you need that someday. Tutor or do something online ;) Raising my kids was what God made me to do and I don't think he makes all women and moms the same. Some of us are not SAHM's some of us are. I know I was and I can so tell you are too!
    The body - I can totally identify with the ruined appearance of the belly, loss of what was once nice and smooth. I don't think my stomach is beautiful in any shape, form or fashion. They scarred me. Forever.... Its not fair at all... some people don't get that!
    Keep your chin up girl, you are doing a fabulous job! And I enjoy your raw emotion and willingness to share with the world.

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  7. Girl, I know how you feel! Especially about the SAHM part. I feel that there is a lot of judgement on both sides of the fence on that one. However, know that your feelings are perfectly normal and that we all go through them. There was a time when I thought that my mind was seriously turning to mush! This is just a season my dear friend. It will be over before you know it! I'm on the tail end of the preschool years and all of your hard work pays off. All of your effort is worth something. There will come a day of rest!

    One of the greatest quotes I think of often is the following, "The days are long, but the years are short."

    You're doing good mama! You're doing good! Pray, read, try a new hobby or do something special just for yourself.

    I'll be praying for you friend! :o)

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  8. You're an amazing woman... and your kids faces show ur an amazing mother.. And your husbands face shows ur an amazing wife! ;)

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  9. I love your honesty and your writing! I can relate to a lot of this. Is it just me, or is it once you become a mom, there is judgment from all sides? When what we really need is to support each other. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world, but also the best. I loved your SAHM post a few days ago.. it was so beautiful and really resonated for me. You are doing an amazing job!! Oh, and my stomach is destroyed too!

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  10. Hi Shelly-
    I think you are amazing- I think it's only natural for us moms to feel this way sometimes- after all, 99% of our day is devoted to taking care of other peoples needs rather than our own.

    When I notice that negative energy swirling about, I try to take a break from everyone at some point in the day- either to do an errand alone when Scott comes home, or to exercise and I always feel a little more restored when I return.

    You are very inspirational- See you soon!
    Juli

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  11. I think being angry is part of being alive, I've spent many days during the last several weeks being angry, I think it's okay, better out then in. Now if we're both still angry in 6 months then we'll ask for an intervention, but until then cut yourself some slack, you my dear Shelly are your own worst enemy, whenever in doubt about your abilities, intellengence, parenting skills, whatever, just know there's a large number of us that are here to encourage you.

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  12. Your blog has stayed with me today and I felt the need to comment again, sometimes circumstances or situations create other circumstances and situations that just plain suck and we get mad, period. Once the feeling passes then our logical minds puts to the for front all the positives but in the throws of it we just need to feel them, rational or irrational, just as with all the other emotions that we deal with if we pretend there not there or try to squash them it only poisons us from the inside out, so allow yourself your anger, scream and yell and have a fit, go outside and curse the snow throw a rock or punch a snow bank, let it out and most importantly know that YOU ARE OKAY!

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  13. It's interesting to hear that it's not "okay" for a woman to be angry - I've never thought about it, but we do kind of have this culture around emotion. It's good you are owning the emotion, even though it is hard. And you have done amazing things this year. In the end we all do what we have to do. I admire SAHMs every day, it is much harder work than going to a job in my opinion. Hang in there.

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  14. I read all your posts though I've never commented. I'm sorry anyone made you feel less. As a working mom I envy you, not look down on you. I used to feel guilty and beat myself up over not being home with my children--to the point of depression and anger and suicidal thoughts...then I learned to savor every moment, "be" in every moment. I get angry when people like Dr. Laura make working moms feel like they are less, so I know how you feel. I didn't have a choice about whether or not to work, but I learned I had a choice about the way I felt about it and how I treated myself. I've been fortunate enough to give my children love, a home, and meet their needs. I may not have always been there physically but they know I love them and we have raised successful compassionate children that have good sense of self esteem and the confidence to stand up for their beliefs and work toward their goals because they know they have lots of love and support. I'm no longer ashamed because I had to work, I'm proud to have raised an independent daughter who won't have to depend on anyone else (but knows it's ok if she chooses to, lol) and a son who respects women and understands about work AND household chores, lol. Anyway, it's nice to hear my thoughts are not so different from another mother. At times I have felt so alone. Surely everyone else had lots of time and money and a clean house and perfect bodies in spite of childbearing, right? I didn't because I was a failure at something or everything. Thank goodness I got past that. I still remember that dark valley and at times I have flash backs, but I'll never get lost there again. So, you keep your chin up and continue to flash that beautiful smile and try to be proud of what you have accomplished and cut yourself some slack--I think you're amazing and lucky and very successful.

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