Blossom

It's Easter.  It was our first real holiday away from home (barring Valentine's Day, which, with Josh here, didn't really count anyway) and I have to say it went really well.  Josh's sister & my mom spoiled us with Easter goodies and we had lots of fun things planned to make the day special.  I was glad we had so much going on, as the day could have very easily felt like every other Sunday.

 Aside from it being Easter weekend, it was also the weekend during which we officially started our countdown for home... Saturday marked six weeks until we hit PDX.  We are pretty much off-our-rockers excited.

The boys want to swim, and eat pizza.
I want to see my family & maybe even get out on a date (a real one!) with my husband.
Josh wants to drive a car & I think watch ESPN.  (Remember? No TV?)

I talked to Grandma today, and she sounds good. I miss her so much. I can't wait to get to the coast again. Seeing everyone's Spring Break pictures made envy the ability to go somewhere.  They don't have Spring Break here in Marshall. Once you get back from Christmas, it's a straight shot to the end of the school year. In fact, instead of Spring Break last week, they had state testing.  Now that that's complete, it really feels like summer vacation is on its way.

Except for the weather.  It's 30 degrees today, and the snow is melting off our roof and splashing down onto our dining room window, making tracks that trick me into thinking I'm back home & it's raining.  But the wind is fierce. Thirty to thirty-five MPH steady with gusts up to sixty MPH.  It's so loud, it's deafening.  And I could sit in the window & watch the snow blow around on the tundra for hours, the way you could watch a groovy lava lamp and completely lose track of time.

Yesterday the weather was more mild.  Grey skies, unfortunately, but it was 25 degrees, so we took the van to the post office where we picked up some Amazon boxes. Then we hit the store, where we met a few more locals and picked up disposable diapers for the trip home, cottage cheese, sour cream, two boxes of Gogurt, Cocoa Pebbles, Honey Nut Cheerios, Bugles and Downy.  Wanna know what that cost us? $71.70

The breakdown:

Huggies: $14.70

Downy: $11.45

Cheerios: $7.49

C. Pebbles: $5.79

Bugles: $5.29

Sour Cream: $7.59

Ctg. Cheese: $4.85

Gogurt (2): $11.78

Wyatt loves our new rug!

I think I am getting accustomed to the insane prices because when I got the receipt I thought, "Well, that's not bad."  Josh's friend & co-worker Brian said he stopped shopping at Winco or anywhere cheap during the summers because the sticker shock when he got back to the village was so painful!

After our trip to the store, we came back to the house and let the boys play outside with Kayle & his two friends.  Josh and I visited with Kayle's dad John about a recent week long vacation he took in Koyuk.  Koyuk is north of Unalakleet, roughly 380 miles from Marshall. And John rode there, by himself, on a snowmobile, blazing his own trail for parts of it, riding on both tundra & frozen ocean to reach his destination.  When we asked if he got cold, he said no.  And like any man, he was proud of his time.  Twelve and a half hours.  Can you imagine???

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 I finished Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.  My mom sent me two books that bloggers I follow wrote.  One was Stephanie's and the other was Bloom by Kelle Hampton.  I started Heaven is Here on Thursday, I think, and finished this afternoon.  It was so good.  I think I could have read it faster, but I was trying to digest it. And relish it, as I knew all too soon it would be over. It is one of the most touching, riveting novels I have read.  What I really love is the spirituality and how I could totally imagine myself in her shoes, feeling those same feelings were I ever in the same situation.  

 She's very relatable.  She inspires me in so many ways.  She inspires me to complain less, to be aware of all I have to be grateful for, and to love myself.  To love my body for all it is capable of and to love my face because it is mine.  In her book, I found out things about her I didn't know before. 

 

Like that she left her family in Utah to move to New Jersey when she had a young family.  That she missed her family like crazy, but also that she would follow Christian anywhere.  That she never felt called to have a career or worry about a formal education. That her calling was to be a homemaker, a wife & a mother.  Reading that gave me strength. I felt that if it was enough for her, it's okay that it's enough for me.  

Josh applied for (and was recently accepted to) the Masters program for counseling at the University of Alaska Fairbanks.  He asked, as he was applying, if I would like to go as well.  If I wanted to do it together.  I thought about it, I really did, but absolutely no part of me wanted to do it. Zip. Zilch. Nada.  

I felt bad. I avoided talking about it. I thought maybe I should want to follow up my bachelor's with more education. I thought maybe I should want for more in my life.

But when I truly look at my heart of hearts, I know that my place is here. It's that simple.  I am meant to be home, raising our children, supporting Josh as he follows his dreams. It's okay that his dreams aren't my dreams.  And it's okay that my dreams, to some, may seem modest or lacking.  To me, they are everything.  All I ever wanted when I was young, the only two things that remained consistent over time, was to be a wife and a mother.  And reading about how Stephanie found herself fully immersed in homemaking, loving every aspect, made me feel better about my choice.  I want to enjoy with Wyatt what I missed with Logan and Jack.  I am not ready to miss a moment of this time in my life.

 Before I got her book, I entered a Motherhood poetry contest on her site (Nie Nie Dialogues), and this is what I submitted:

 

Motherhood is…

By Shelly Cunningham

Motherhood is reaching out to catch the warm vomit as it exits the small being you & your beloved created.  Motherhood is cleaning up the playroom long after the twins have gone to sleep because it’s just too much effort to make them do it.  Motherhood is wiping noses, bottoms & hands, a million times a day; having fingerprints on your windows & dirty shoes in your entry.

Motherhood is feeding your infant, your toddler, your teenager, all before you ever sit down.  Motherhood is an eternity of cold meals.  Motherhood is sweeping, vacuuming & dusting followed by spitting, spilling & drooling.  Motherhood is load after everliving load of laundry.  Wash, dry, fold and repeat.

Motherhood is nine months of anticipation and eighteen years of counting down.  Motherhood is training up your children to care of themselves, making your very own job obsolete.

Motherhood is a childhood dream come true.  Motherhood is a baby doll come to life.  It is feeling your baby’s first motion, fluttering inside you.  Motherhood is holding that brand new person, wrapped in a receiving blanket, knowing you are all they could ever need.  And they are all you could ever need.

Motherhood is rocking them to sleep, kissing those sweet jowly cheeks & praying earnestly for two hours of sleep in a row.  Motherhood is wiping tears, kissing owies & soothing heartbreak.  Motherhood is tolerating tantrums and righting perceived injustices.

Motherhood is spontaneous hugs, lopsided kisses, and unexpected pride.  Motherhood is wishing time would hurry up and slow down at the same time.

Motherhood is a myriad of dichotomies.  Loving your child when they are good and when they are bad.  Wanting them to succeed, but also knowing they will need to fail.  Motherhood is your tender heart filled with joy as they grow, and aching sadness as they leave.

Motherhood is a sacrifice we would make, time and again, 
because our hearts are in those littles we created. 

And theirs are in us.

I would just die if I were chosen! 

I will keep you posted!

Daddy & chocolate-lover Logan!

 I have had a few people (Kebbi, Susan LaGuyader, Barb Miller & Carol, thank you!) who have referred to me as "blossoming" here in Alaska, and I found a quote that I am just in love with that speaks to this:

"... and then the day came when 

the risk to remain tight in a bud 

was more painful than

 the risk it took to bloom." 

-Anais Nin

This was on the front of a card I received from my friend Peggy, and I kept the card tucked away in my journal, I just loved the quote so much.  I received the note a while back, but ever since I read the quote, I have kept that thought floating around the back of my mind. And each time I hit a road block, or was faced with something difficult or uncomfortable, I have pulled it out and thought about remaining in a bud, my comfortable enclosure keeping me safe from both failure & growth... And nearly every time I have decided that the risk of failure is worth the possibility of success. 

Creating my own Easter today was one of those challenges. I could have acted like it was just another Sunday, Josh sleeping in, feeding the baby, watching movies while the wind howled outside... 

Or I could plan a few things, make it special, treat it like the holiday it is, and risk messing it up.

 

Wanting to bloom, I made plans.  I woke up early with Wyatt (who slept ELEVEN HOURS in a row last night!) and soon after the twins awoke I began making bread. Five loaves & a dozen rolls later, that was finished. 

Then I began making muffins for the boys' morning snack.  By mid-morning all the boys were dressed (more fancy than usual, wearing sweaters from Gap from Aunt Roxanne) and Josh & I had both showered.  We then opened our special Easter gifts and played.  Then we made sugar cookies and made plans to decorate them after naps.

Once the boys were up, we made different colored icing and poured on the sprinkles, making our own Easter eggs out of cookies since we didn't have an Easter egg kit to make real Easter eggs.  It was honestly the most fun I have had with the boys in the house in a long time.  We all wore aprons and took our time choosing just which color each cookie was destined to be, and what sugary sprinkle would match perfectly...  They were well behaved and funny, and those boys can frost.a.cookie!

Then they watched Rio and danced around like silly gooses while Josh made an amazing dinner of ham and Homemade (or "Crunchy" as the boys call it) Macaroni.  The baby went down at 6pm, so the four of us were able to eat in peace together, visiting about what we looked forward to the most about our trip home this summer.

Then it was up the stairs for jammies & stories, where we read my all-time favorite children's book Airmail to the Moon by Tom Birdseye, which, I must admit, is only my favorite because I get to use an accent, and I love accents... 

Soon it was time to tuck them in and as I made my way down the stairs, the boys snuggled in with their bubbas & Daddy pillows, I smiled, knowing I had pulled off my first holiday.  It felt really good.

I like blooming.  And I like the analogy. Because really, once you have blossomed, you can't go back into being a bud, no matter how bad you want it.  You can only go forward. I like that.  We are moving forward. I am moving forward.

I am so grateful to everyone that inspires me--  authors I read, bloggers I follow, friends I admire... I am also grateful for everyone I inspire.  It's reciprocal.

I want to say thank you for leaving me encouraging comments, sharing your stories and passing on word of my family to other people who may be inspired by our journey.  Your words buoy me. They assure me that I am capable, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that you have faith in me.

Your words encourage me to take a risk...

and to keep blossoming.