my life {part three}

In honor of my thirtieth birthday this month, 

I have written the (somewhat) condensed version of my life story, broken into decades.  

{Part One: birth-ten years; Part Two: ten-twenty years; Part Three: twenty-thirty years}

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Following a romantic proposal and a year of wedding planning, Josh and I wed August 8, 2003.  The weeks before any wedding are stressful and busy.  The two weeks before my wedding were especially so. 

It was late July and hot. The kind of hot that starts in the early  morning and never lets up.  We met that morning at the auditor’s office to apply for a marriage license.  We managed to park and locate the office, hoping to be quick so Josh could get to work on time.  We were sitting in the waiting room, filling out paperwork, when we came upon a question we didn't know the answer to.  Where was Josh’s mom born?  Josh thought he knew, but we wanted to be sure.  We left the office in search of a pay phone and while we were walking in that marbled hall, Josh suddenly spun in a circle.  Thinking he was joking around about how the phone was nowhere to be found, I laughed.  Then Josh stumbled on his feet and leaned a bit against the wall behind him.  “What are you doing?” I asked, worriedly.  Slowly he slid down the wall, his face craning to the right, his mouth tight, his eyes rolled hard, looking up at his own forehead.  His arms, legs and torso tensed suddenly, his fingers rigid and shaking, and I knew then he was seizing. 

“Help!” I screamed hopelessly down the empty hallway. “Help! He’s having a seizure! HELP!”

A man in a yellow spandex biking outfit came running down the hallway and told me to step back, not to touch Josh or put anything in his mouth.  He was making these horrible, guttural noises and was foaming at the mouth.  Time stood still.

Before the seizure ended, the hallway was crowded with people.  A secretary from one of the offices was holding me.  I remember her brushing her fingers through my long blond hair and asking me questions.  
How long had we been together? 
How did he propose?  
Where was the wedding to be held?  
Distracting me from how long it was taking for the EMT’s to arrive.

Once they arrived they loaded a very disoriented Josh onto the stretcher.  In the elevator I filled out the paperwork they needed and followed them to the hospital in my truck.

When I got to the hospital and saw Josh, he vomited multiple times.  His entire body was incredibly sore from the seizing, and I was very worried about him.  Once he came completely out of his post-seizure state, though, he seemed fine.

For the first month of our marriage I shuffled Josh to and from different doctors and specialists performing CAT scans and MRI’s.  It was eventually determined that Josh has frontal lobe epilepsy that was caused by multiple crashes on his beloved bike sans helmet.  By hitting the back of his head on the pavement, his brain was sloshed forward in his skull, causing damage to his frontal lobe.  Thankfully, his seizures are controlled with medication.

Despite the seizure, we were able to enjoy our big day.  I got ready in the upstairs bedroom I shared with my sister in our my parents' 1926 Craftsman.  My mom did my hair, and my best friend Maggie did my nails.  I felt beautiful, happy and ready. 

Ready to be Mrs. Joshua Cunningham
Ready to live together.
Ready to start our life.

The wedding was perfect in that it was imperfect.  We forgot to light the candles; there was no air conditioning in the dreadful heat; and the pastor we had hired told my photographer I didn't want flash photography, so the pictures I have of my ceremony are all from Grandma Dorothy, who, thank God, took pictures despite any nasty looks she got from the jerk who married us.

I sang at our wedding.  I Could Not Ask For More by Sara Evans.  Many people asked how I could sing at my own wedding.  My response? “Who is going to tell me I sucked?” I mean, really. If I screwed up, people would figure it was emotions or nerves, and no one is going to tell me! It was the perfect venue, actually.  I was so happy to stand on that stage, telling Josh he had made my dreams come true.

On our wedding night I gave Josh the letter I had written with my bible study group in the ninth grade to my future husband, promising to save myself for him.  I had kept my word, and was happy to be giving myself wholly to him.  Our Honeymoon was spent in Newport, Oregon and once we got back, I moved into his apartment. Life as a married couple began.

(Our godchildren)

Throughout the early part of our marriage, I had a series of jobs.  I worked as a swim instructor at the YMCA; nannied for various families, worked as a sales associate at Meier & Frank and for a short time as an assistant to my mom’s friend who is in real estate.

(High School Graduation)

Josh worked at Auto Adventure, dismantling Honda’s; Albertson's loading shipments onto forklifts; and Plaid Pantry nights when the Albertson's job didn't work out. 

(Clark College Graduation)

Working at Plaid Pantry was AWFUL.  He would leave as I went to bed at night, and would come home as my day was starting.  The schedule coupled with the lack of income made for a very stressful time in our marriage.  We had just moved into a new apartment complex, complete with higher rent, and I had just started at Washington State University Vancouver pursuing a degree in psychology.  I wanted to become a high school or marriage counselor.  I absolutely loved school.

(Me & our godson)

Thankfully in February Josh landed job at Fircrest Elementary School as an American Sign Language Interpreter.  He was so happy working there, and we were relieved to have a stable income.  Josh was inspired working with the students at Fircrest and found his calling.  Soon after being hired on, he started college at Clark.  He worked full time and took a full course load at Clark, attending class both before and after work.

(Me & Ilya)

Throughout this time, we were very involved with our godchildren, fraternal twins, Dagan & Ilya.  We would take them to parks, the zoo, the library.  Some of my favorite memories from the early part of our marriage include those two little munchkins who stole our hearts!

Aside from the twins, school and working, our early years are littered with weekends spent at Rockaway Beach where my grandparents live.  We loved both spending time with my dad's parents, and time at the coast.  Rockaway is a cozy little town, with a beautiful stretch of beach and some delicious restaurants.

We spent our summers camping and swimming at our family's hole at the Washougal River.  The cold water was enough to beat the heat on the hottest days in August.

In July 2005 my grandparents celebrated their Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary.  They are an amazing example of love and commitment to us. As are our parents.  From their examples we have learned that marriage can withstand a lot, especially if you plan to honor your promise of forever.

 In the fall of 2005 I started my last semester at WSU, graduating in December.  It was bittersweet knowing I was not going to be a student again, but I did not feel called to continue on past my bachelor's degree.  I was satisfied.

(Our cat Margilo)

After graduation, I started looking for a job.  And in January 2006 I was hired at Lincoln Elementary School to work as a staff assistant in their Structured Learning Center.  The "SLC" as we called it, was actually a Behavior Disorder classroom, but that term is outdated.  And so it was that with my Psychology major and Human Development minor, I found myself surrounded by anywhere from nine to fourteen troubled boys, ranging in age from six to twelve.
It was a challenging job, but one that I loved.  The women I worked with (there was one teacher and two other staff members) taught me so much in my short time in the SLC.  The boys in there also taught me a lot.  So many of them had endured such heartache and disappointment, yet they all had within them a resilience that I'm not sure even I, an educated, grown woman has.
I loved one boy in particular.  From the first time I met him, he stole my heart.  And his story broke it.  All day long, I would pour everything I had into him, but it would never fill the well.  Josh and I have talked about it many times.  If given the opportunity, we each have one student we would bring home and raise as our own.  He was that boy for me.  Our connection lasted beyond my time in his classroom, and I think of him often and fondly.

The summer after I found the job at Lincoln, we moved into the duplex we stayed in until we left for Alaska.  It was so lovely to have a front and back yard, covered parking and no stairs to climb!

(Josh & our cat Sukie)

In October 2006 Josh was hit by a drunk driver, head on, as he headed home from class at Clark.  Due to a severe migraine, I was taking a nap when it occurred. The sound of it literally woke me up. He was only two blocks from home.  Of course at the time, I didn't know this.
He was taken by ambulance from the scene and a police officer called me shortly after I woke up to inform me what had happened.  I called my sister and told her I needed her to drive me to the hospital.  She drove me there, and we found Josh.  He was feeling pretty bad, really shook up and the doctor informed me that they were concerned because there was a pocket of fluid building around his heart.  He wanted to keep Josh overnight to watch it.
We got settled into a room and I began requesting his anti-seizure medication.  He had taken it that morning, but was due for a dose that evening, around the time of the crash.  The nurse assured me he would get it.  By the next morning he still hadn't had it, so I stalked the nurses' station. I told them twice he really needed that medication.  The nurse looked at his chart again and noticed that the medication times had been switched.  Somehow it had been recorded that he had already had his medication last night, and didn't need it until the following night. I assured her that he needed his medication, and quickly.  At that point, she said we were waiting on the pharmacy to get it sent up to us.
And so, as we sat, Josh watching baseball from the bed, covered in paper-thin sheets with a less-than-satisfactory pillow, and me reading the book I had in my purse, he made a yipping noise and began to seize.  I screamed that he was having a seizure.  The nurses appeared, pulling up the side boards on the bed and ordering medication to stop the seizure.  I have perhaps never in my life been so angry.  I can actually only think of one occasion where I was more angry.  
I told them. 
God damn it. 
I told them.
So what could have been a one night stay to assess his heart (which, thankfully, turned out fine) became a three night stay with a far longer recovery than just the accident would have needed.  He chewed the hell out of his tongue and the seizure made his back injuries from the accident even worse.
Seizing meant he could not drive for a week (to get his medication levels even), and since the hospital was responsible for withholding medication, I made sure they paid for taxi services for him.  Mostly, though, I was mad at myself.  I had offered to bring his medication and give it to him myself, but was informed that that was against hospital policy. Hospital policy my ass. It isn't like they didn't know.  It isn't like I wasn't telling them to give him his medication.  I really regret that I didn't just give it to him.

He ended up having to drop his classes at Clark.  His mind was fuzzy, his back hurt constantly.  His car was completely totaled.  He would occasionally, randomly, smell the smell that comes from the airbags when they deploy.
The woman who hit him was an angry old bitty of a woman with an insurance company from hell.  They tried to cut corners in every aspect, and I had to fight, constantly, never backing down, to have them cover all his medical bills, the hospital stay, the chiropractor appointments and the rental car.  It was one of those things you go through that makes you feel like a real grown up. I hated it at the time, of course, but I learned so much. 

A year after the accident, I found myself turning 25 and wanting a baby.  Josh agreed that we could start trying so long as I agreed to keep working until he finished his Bachelor's Degree.  He had started back up at Clark a quarter later and had three quarters left. Wouldn't you know it, we got pregnant the first month!!!

(Dalton, me, Roxanne, Dallas)

After spending my entire childhood, age 12 up, baby sitting, I liked to believe I had some idea what I was about to jump into…

(32 weeks)

But in January we were given the shock of a lifetime when we went to my twenty week ultrasound and found out it was twins!!!  I had been to the doctor twice at that point.  At the first appointment we had an internal ultrasound and saw one little white bean with a heartbeat.  At the second appointment we listened with the doppler and heard one heartbeat, strong, at 140 beats per minute.
As the ultrasound tech stumbled over her words, Josh and I tried to absorb what she was saying.  We had walked in telling her we weren't finding out what we were having.  "Unless it's twins," we laughed. Then I laid on the table, she put the goo on her wand and waved it across my belly, and there, unmistakably, were two heads.  She said to me, while staring at the screen, "You've been to the doctor?" I told her yes, emphasizing the doppler and ultrasound, not quite comprehending what we were all looking at.  
"You've been to the doctor and they didn't... And they didn't... They didn't tell you it was twins?"
I thought, "No. No, it can't be! It's too good to be true."  I flashed instantly on that episode of Full House when Jesse and Becky find out they are expecting twins, and Jesse passes out, or nearly passes out, and was instantly thankful that Josh was sitting down!  The room got quite suddenly very small and very hot.  The tech was annoyed. A twin appointment should be double the length of a single appointment for all the measuring she had to do.  And we were not helping. I couldn't stop shaking and saying, "Can you believe it?" to Josh.
Then she confirmed that we wanted to know the sexes.  The first baby, Baby A, was a boy.  (Logan)  As I lay there, I remember thinking, "If it's a girl, that will just be too perfect!" Then, of course, Baby B was a boy as well. (Jack) And I have to say now, after being with my godchildren (boy/girl twins) and my own (boy/boy twins), same sex twins are, in many ways, easier to parent.  Toys, activities and entertainment are easier because their taste (at least in my boys) has been the same.  Josh said, as soon as we found out they were both boys, "They will be best friends! And they can play t-ball..." I fell so in love with him in that moment, knowing that he was envisioning a beautiful future for us and our sons.
After our appointment, shaking from the thrill of it, we decided to drive around, going house to house, to tell all our family the exciting news in person.  I remember that first we stopped at Burgerville to eat dinner, alone, just the two of us, before anyone else knew. It was the most fun secret to have. Even if it was only an hour! Perhaps most memorable part of the night, though, was walking into my mom's house.  My sister was videoing and she said, "You found out didn't you?!?" She was just sure I would be weak and find out the sex.  (She knew our plan was to be surprised unless it was twins.)  
I told her, "Yes, we were weak. We found out."  Then to my dad, who had bought a little boy outfit for the baby for Christmas, I said, "You need to get another outfit."  My mom screamed, "It's a girl!?!"
I took a breath. "No, you need to get another outfit... It's twins."  The rest is kind of a blur of screaming and hugging and ultrasound sharing, but I know at some point my mom touched a hand to her forehead and said quietly, "Whew, I need to sit down."

(New car for the babies!)

I took a crash course in twin pregnancy, reading as much as I could get my hands on.  Within four weeks my knowledge would be put to the test.  I was home one evening, 24 weeks along, and started having the worst pain in my back. I knew something wasn't right.  So we went to the hospital to maternal triage.  It turned out I had gallstones and was experiencing a gallbladder attack.  The doctor I saw informed me that if I didn't get my gallbladder under control, the attacks could send me into labor.  And if that happened, my babies only had a 50/50 chance of surviving outside the womb.
And so I began the most severe diet I have ever been on.  I ate less than 10 grams of fat a day, in an attempt to get my gallbladder to rest, relax and stop acting up.  I just had to get through the pregnancy. Then I could get the dang thing taken out.  This diet while pregnant with twins was gueling.  I felt hungry all the time. I would eat every hour.  Pretzels, licorice, popcorn.  Anything with no fat and lots of calories.  What I craved, though, was a steak. God, how I wanted a steak.  The diet made me so tired.  By 28 weeks I was put on light bedrest. I have never been so relieved in my life.  I could just rest and focus on growing those two sweet boys.

(34 weeks)

The biggest goal in my pregnancy was 34 weeks.  After 34 weeks gestation, twins have significantly shorter hospital stays, better developed brains and lungs, and all kind of other good stuff.  Once I hit 34 weeks, I took myself off such strict bedrest.  Those babies cooked another three weeks!

 I had the boys by planned c-section, but we waited until my body went into labor naturally to perform it. The day I turned 37 weeks, I began having regular contractions and we knew it was go time.

And on June 6, 2008 I became a mother.

Logan Henry
4lbs. 6oz.
2:54pm
Jack Sawyer
6lbs. 15oz.
2:55pm

Both babies were healthy, but because of Logan's small size, they kept him in the NICU to monitor is temperature and blood sugar.  He joined us less than 24 hours later, and three days after that we brought both boys home with us.  Then it got real.

(Jack)

My mom and sister alternated staying nights to help with night time feedings.  I was so grateful for her and my mom and all they did for me that first week at home.

(Logan)

Because nothing, nothing, can prepare you for your first week at home with twin infants.  The exhaustion is unlike anything I have experienced before or since.  The sense of overwhelming responsibility was suffocating.  

Josh’s Clark graduation came when the twins were just two weeks old.  I chose to attend sans twins.  It felt like I was walking around without my head.  It was amazing to me how in such a short time I had grown so attached to my role as a mommy, and to our beautiful boys. I am so glad we made it to graduation, though, as I was so crazy proud of Josh, and he was excited to be able to participate.

I managed to breastfeed the twins for two weeks by feeding Jack at the breast and them pumping for Logan.  Both were supplemented with bottles of formula.  The day of Josh's graduation party was the day I chose to stop breastfeeding.  I was feeding the twins every three hours around the clock because of Logan's small size.  I would feed Jack ten minutes on each side, then double pump for fifteen or twenty minutes, followed by feeding Logan what I had pumped. By the time the whole thing was over, it was almost time to start again. 
Josh started his classes at WSU for the teaching program when the boys were only twelve days old.  I knew that if I was going to face day after day alone, caring for the twins myself, something was gonna have to give.  So I decided to stop breastfeeding and go the way of formula.  Honestly, my life became so much simpler after that.

Eight weeks postpartum I had my gallbladder removed. The night before my surgery, as we walked along the waterfront pushing the double stroller in front of us, I said to Josh, "What if I die?" And he said to me, "Sounds like a get-out-of-jail-free-card to me!" Ha! Luckily that wasn't an issue.  I came out of surgery just fine, and in fact, better than fine, as I could now, finally, have that steak!

After my surgery I began the blog.
What a blessing it has been!

The blog became especially important as I headed back to work, leaving my precious boys, in November, at five months old. I was, in a word, heartbroken.   I absolutely adored those babies, and would have done anything for them.  At that time in our lives, anything meant working full time to provide for them while their Daddy finished his degree.
While I worked and Josh attended WSU-V, our moms watched the boys.  What you must realize when reading about this time in my life is that I was making the best of a crummy situation.  I had never ever wanted to be a working mom.  Ever.  But God had given me those babies, and I had to do what needed to be done.  I think that I had a lump in my throat everyday for a month.  

I told my friends at work not to ask me how I was because I didn't want to start crying.  
My position had, in my absence, been switched from the BD room to the Special Ed room.  The blessing of this change was that Lisa D was my new sidekick.  I cannot express to you how much Sis D, as she was known to our special ed students, is the one who got me through.  She was the hug I needed, the deep breath I should have taken, the constant assurance that I was doing right by my family.
She knew exactly what I was going through and exactly what I needed when I showed up morning after morning with tears in my eyes.  I love her and am beyond grateful for her presence in my life during a time that was very dark for me.

I managed to finish out the 2008-2009 school year, and was overjoyed to spend an entire summer home with our boys.  To wake up with them in the mornings, spend every hour by their side, and to lay them down for naps each afternoon.  Every job felt like a luxury.  Every memory a gift.

In the fall, school started again, and I headed back for what I thought would be my last year as a working mom.  Josh went back to school, too, with one year ahead of him as well.  And in the spring he started student teaching.

 We started a tradition of Friday Family Swim on Friday afternoons.  The boys are absolute fish, and those Friday nights were some of my favorite memories.  To put the work week behind us and be a family again, together.  We would swim, then get pizza & breadsticks and go home, get cozy and watch a movie together on a big red blanket spread on the living room floor.

 May brought Josh's graduation.  Bachelor of Arts in Education, certified to teach k-8.
I was ridiculously proud of him. Of us.  We had done it. 
Two babies.
Two years.
One degree.

I thought it signified the end of my career as a working mother.  
I thought it signified Josh finding work. 
I thought it signified a brighter future...

That summer as Josh passed out applications like candy on Halloween, the twins were up to all kinds of shenanigans; climbing out of their cribs, jumping off the furniture and turning two. 

Shortly after their second birthday, we got rid of their binkies by sending them up in a bundle of balloons at my childhood elementary school.  Jack seemed okay with this, but Logan was very upset.

We also went camping that summer at Cougar, where I grew up camping, and the boys loved the whole experience.  Smores, fishing, swimming and sleeping in a tent.

We truly made the most of our summer, squeezing every ounce of joy out of it.

We ended the summer with a final trip to Rockaway.  I walked the beach that day, hand in hand with my beautiful toddler twins, knowing that I would be going back to work at Lincoln for a third year.  Somehow this was more heartbreaking than the first two years combined.  I was supposed to be home. I had done my time.  We had put in the work.  Josh wanted to work and I wanted to be home.

I gained a disgusting amount of weight that summer, stuffing my face to avoid feeling the emotions that plagued me. Anger that we had worked hard and it hadn't paid off.  Jealousy that other people had what I wanted.  And fear that I would never be a stay-at-home mom.

Shortly after the school year started, I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly.  The timing of this pregnancy honestly could not have been worse.  Following this surprise that came with nausea of its own, our entire family got the flu, our house had a mold infestation and I missed so much work, it was ridiculous.  The flu had me hospitalized twice and Logan once, for dehydration.

I ended 2010 praying that 2011 would hold a job for Josh, the birth of a healthy baby for us and the opportunity for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

2011 started out better than 2010 had ended.  The mold situation in our duplex was rectified, we found out Wyatt was a boy and I was able to start seeing a counselor for my depression.

I had been sure, because of my different symptoms, that Wyatt was going to be a girl. And I think I can even say I was kind of hoping he would be a girl. But when the ultrasound tech found his little boy parts and informed us that he was indeed a little brother, I thought, "Yep. That feels right."  I was excited for the twins to have a brother who wasn't their twin to have a relationship with, and I was excited from a practical standpoint to have all those hand-me-downs!

In February some of our childcare circumstances changed and together Josh and I decided that I would not, could not, work anymore.  I was terrified to make that decision, to take away our one consistent income, but I knew it was what God wanted.  So we prayed and we waited, Josh taking any and all sub jobs that came his way, me home with our boys.

My mom and sister, who had been encouraging me to do whatever it took to be home, were so happy for me.  We spent many of those early weeks together, playing at my mom's house with our boys.  My pregnancy was really hard because my sister had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.  A few weeks into the new year when she found out she was pregnant, too and my joy was complete.  I was so happy for her.

When I quit my job in February, Josh asked me how serious I was about wanting to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was his way of asking me where exactly I would go.  I told him I would go anywhere. And I meant it.

And so it was that we ended up at a job fair for Alaska School Districts in Seattle.  We had been crossing our fingers for a job in Anchorage at the deaf school there.  But when we met with their district rep she said even if Josh was currently pursuing a deaf studies degree (which he wasn't) they couldn't hire him.  He had to have a Masters as well.  And so we ended up talking with some of the rural school districts.  We had discussed them as options, but I had really been hoping for a city. With a Target.

But that was not meant to be.  He interviewed with two districts, and on the same day three weeks later received two job offers, both from the Lower Yukon School District. One for Russian Mission and one for Marshall.  We had already talked to the HR guy about Marshall. I had done my homework and I knew as much about Marshall as I could having never been there. We chose Marshall.  He would teach 5/6 grade and there would be new housing going up.  It was supposed to be complete in October.

As soon as he accepted the position, we started watching “Flying Wild Alaska” and while I had been thinking it would help me, it actually scared the hell out of me! The weather! The dark! The cold! The isolation!

And yet, I knew in my heart that it was the right thing.  I had told Josh when he asked that I would go to the ends of the earth to never have to leave that new baby.  To never leave those boys again.  To support him in following his dream of teaching.

In 2010 when Josh graduated he received this quote on a plaque from his aunt:
"Do not go where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the middle of June I gave birth to our third son, Wyatt Nathanial. I was so excited to meet him.  Hold him. Hug him. Nurse him.  To see his features. To kiss his cheeks.  To squeeze his piggies.

I had been worried in the beginning of my pregnancy that his arrival would ruin our family.  The four of us was all I had ever known, and we were happy together.  I loved the twins so fiercely that I couldn't imagine loving another baby that much. I always hated (hated!) moms who said that on A Baby Story on TLC, and until I was pregnant for the second time myself, I never understood it.  Now I get it. Your whole heart is full. You're sure of it. But when that third (or second for some people) baby is placed in your arms, an extra helping of love is simultaneously placed in your heart.

I loved Wyatt in a way that was so different from the twins.  He was his own person, my own son, my first singleton.  And I was hooked. With Wyatt I became a bit of a hippie.  What with breast feeding, cloth diapering, and baby wearing.  Oh man, I loved being that baby's mom!

Then when Wyatt was seven weeks old, Josh left for Alaska.

Gone- flitted away...

Taken the stars from the night,

and the sun from the day.

Gone, and a cloud in my heart.

-Alfred Tennyson

I would have hated Josh being gone no matter what.  But Josh being gone while we had three sons to raise really sucked.  Single parenting is insanely challenging in any circumstance, but I felt that mine were particularly grueling.  The three year old twins and less than two month old newborn really gave me a run for my money.  I worked hard to feel my feelings as they came, talked to Josh every single day and utilized the amazing support system we had. 

In October when we found out we would not be moving to Marshall until after the New Year,  that support system came together and afforded Josh and I a trip to Anchorage to see each other. He had to come in for a doctor visit anyway, so I met him there with Wyatt. It was my first time traveling with a child.  And honestly, I don't think I realized I was really going to see Josh until I saw the snow-capped mountains below my window from the plane.  

When I got off the plane and Josh found me making a beeline for the elevator, I cried (and cried and cried) on his shoulder. I had been so lonely by myself.  I had been so worried about our relationship, our love for each other, our family.  Spending those four days with him and our beautiful baby I was reassured.  We would be fine. Our family would be fine.  We still had a long road ahead of us, but it was nothing we couldn't overcome.

I headed home sad, but refreshed.  When Josh surprised me by coming home for my birthday, that was, hands down, the best day of my life.  His parents paid for him to fly home under one condition- that he keep it a secret from me.  Oh, let me tell you, the surprise that morning was worth every lie he told (like that the volleyball team was having a tournament and all the visiting students' cell phones would probably make the GCI lines busy in Marshall for the next two days) LIE! So funny! I thought it sounded strange, but I believed him...

 During Josh's visit home for Thanksgiving, he &  his brother Samuel moved our family into his parents house, where we would stay from Thanksgiving through the New Year.  Actually, we spent a lot of time living with his parents during our ninth year of marriage. 

I found, in parenting our boys that it is very challenging to juggle the needs of three children. One on one time is so special. That is when I love parenting. Moving in with Josh's parents meant that I was able to find more one on one time.  Plus I had the sense of peace that comes with knowing someone's got your back.  We were out of the ghetto duplex and I felt so safe falling asleep every night in their home.  That peace was priceless.

      Before I knew it, Christmas had come and I was awaiting a call from Josh telling me when he had boarded his plane.  Instead, I got intermittent text messages telling me that the airplane had landed in Marshall and blown a tire and he would not be leaving until the following day… And so I was stuck, two days before Christmas, just waiting.  And waiting and waiting...

Somehow he managed to get on a flight the following morning and work some magic both in Bethel and in Anchorage and made it to us only twelve hours late.  We were so relieved to be together that night, holding hands as we watched the luggage dance around the carousel.  Knowing we would never have to be apart again brought such joy.  Knowing our boys would wake up in the morning, on Christmas Eve, to Daddy at home brought such joy.  Falling asleep that night side by side brought such joy.

Before we knew it, 2011 had ended, and 2012 was upon us.  January 8th we departed Washington state, headed for “home”.  I was beyond excited.  Two days, four airplanes and two thousand miles later we arrived in Marshall. It was cold. And snowy. And wonderful.

Slowly I unpacked, and we settled into a routine.  We attended Eskimo dances, began making friends, and adjusted ourselves to Marshall's slower pace of life.

Somehow we made it to May, Josh having completed his first year of teaching, and flew back to Washington for the summer.  It was lovely to be home, seeing everyone and experiencing all that the city has to offer, like parks, zoo trips and grocery stores!

We celebrated all three boys’ birthdays with one big party in the middle of June.  We now have two 4 year olds and a one year old.  Some days I still can't believe we have three kids!!!  Those big boys are getting so big.  They are so amazing. Smart, funny and sweet.  And that baby, well... that baby still has my heart.

I took advantage this year and planned one big party for all three boys, but I don't know that I will do that again, as I was disappointed by how overshadowed the baby's birthday was.  It didn't help that Wyatt was sick. So sick.  So maybe next year will be different.  All I know is that I want his second birthday to be really special and really focused on him and what a blessing he is.  I am already getting excited for it.

And as for Josh, I am happy to say that we are still so in love even after all this time.  2012 was, hands down, our best year of marriage.  Being in Marshall, so isolated from other people, we grew very close.  I think we both felt really good to be supporting each other as we each followed our dreams.  And without the support network we had in Washington to fall back on, we found we had to rely only on each other. I think this year was also like a big deep breath, in that we know we will never have to be apart again.  And that is a wonderful feeling.  He is my best friend and I never want to live without him.

In returning to Marshall this fall, I have found my groove. I have found my place as a homemaker and SAHM; cooking, disciplining, baking, teaching, cleaning the house, working on manners, and managing the laundry.  It's a lot of plates in the air, but I am doing it.

Some may question my importance, but I know I am right where I belong, taking care of my husband and my boys. And how amazing to say that I have never had to leave the baby!

Meanwhile, Josh has been finding his place as a rugged Alaskan; catching his first moose, helping our neighbor catch fish in the Yukon, and learning how to butcher a seal. 

For Halloween the school hosted a carnival and the boys and I had so much fun there.  It was the first event that I have attended where I felt 100% at home.  I am looking forward to more occasions like that, and we are also looking forward to spending the holidays here in Marshall.  It will be our first holiday season spent away from home, and I am apprehensive about some aspects, but we are trying to embrace it.

I am excited to be living this adventure and when I feel lonely, which does happen when you are living on the tundra in rural Alaska, the blog, and all of you people reading it, are my lifeline!

All my dreams have come true this year.  I know that a lot of people's dreams don't come true.  I know that a lot of people want a husband who respects them, values them, loves them. I know that a lot of people would give anything to have three perfect, healthy children.  I try to remember everyday how lucky I am to have these boys in my life.  When the twins were young I was introduced to the blog of a fellow twin mama whose identical twin daughter was sick.  Little Tuesday lost her battle with cancer some years ago now, but I still think of her mom, Jessica Kate, every time I buy two of something.  It is because of her that I am grateful for the opportunity to buy two pair of light-up shoes instead of feeling bitter that it doubles the price.  

I have worked hard to keep my perspective.  It's easy to get sucked into the drudgery of daily life caring for littles.  Tuesday's story reminds me that I am lucky all my children are here.  Lucky they are whining, spilling juice on floors I just mopped and fighting over airplanes.  The noise, the mess, the exhaustion, is all a blessing.

I am so grateful to be ending this decade as a stay-at-home mom to our three boys.  I am so blessed to be their mother and Josh’s wife.  It has been a long road, but I am finally home.

"What seems to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
-Oscar Wilde