"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
-Carl Bard
As you know, I have been working on not yelling with the boys. This being a new venture means that I have had my share of tough days in the past. But my goal is to not focus on those, but focus on the new ending I can create from here forward.
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I got that amazing quote from Alissa's post Stop a Mama Tantrum.
If you, too, struggle with yelling, I recommend reading it.
So not yelling has been going well.
It is challenging.
Boy, is it challenging.
But I am determined to stick with it and make the change.
I am about two thirds through the book
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
and wanted to share some of what I'm learning with you.
Most importantly, this book has given me permission to love my kids instead of hardening my heart toward them. In the past I truly believed that a good parent was a strict parent. Someone who was in control of their offspring at all times. But that dictatorship came at a price.
Our connection.
Punishment requires us to harden our heart to our children and abandon them emotionally when they need us most. So instead the book advocates gentle guidance (reminding them of the rules & offering the opportunity to try again) and connecting with your child (hugging, holding, snuggling) when they are acting out.
If abandoning punishment altogether seems extreme, consider that obviously punishment doesn't work to stop misbehavior or we wouldn't have to continue punishing.
Talk about a "lightbulb" moment!
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I have forgone timeouts and other punishments for the time being, and now work with:
1. Removing them from negative situations
(giving them their own space to play or moving them to a new activity),
2. Talking through solutions
3. Hugging them through overwhelming emotions
4. Allowing natural consequences to occur
The biggest change so far is letting go of our stoplight alarm clock. It was the one thing I couldn't find a way to integrate with our new parenting. As of Monday morning we aren't using it at all. When the boys wake up, we just ask that they be extra quiet so as to not wake the others. Each night at bedtime we go over why sleep is important. For growing, healing, focus & happiness. They seem to be grasping it.
So far, they twins have been up at 5:30am everyday. But I am hopeful that it will get later. I will tell you, not having to start my day off doling out consequences for waking too early is such a relief! We greet each other with hugs and they do quiet activities until my quiet morning routine is done. It's the best thing I've done for us in a long time.
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"Make it through today with as few hurt feelings as possible."
Since this is my goal, the most important thing I have to remember is to shut my mouth. When I know I am mad, often beyond what is reasonable, I make myself close.my.mouth. It is difficult to do, but I know if I let myself go, I will hurt our bond, their feelings, and my progress.
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And finally, I have been telling myself "at least". This little gem is the brain child of the Orange Rhino (see entire post here) and has kept me from losing it more times than I can count.
Jack spills his water all over the floor? At least it's not orange juice.
Kids aren't doing what I asked? At least no one's around to witness it.
Wyatt's throwing a giant tantrum? At least it's not outside in the mud.
And perhaps most importantly,
I lose my temper? At least I am trying.
I know my trying is working because when I randomly asked Logan Sunday what his favorite thing is that I do, he said, "Giving me another chance." I thought he would answer with talk of playtimes, going outside or baking yummy treats. I did not expect that his favorite thing would be that I let him try again to get it right. How impactful is that?
"You want your child to follow your guidance because he loves you and would never want to disappoint you, not because you scare him."
-Dr. Laura Markham
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Logan's comment brought tears to my eyes! Ohhh that sweet boy! I think it's because he's more impulsive and then so scared and sad when he has to get in trouble! So I like knowing he's not getting in trouble, but getting second chances. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to hear and learn about these changes. I'm proud of you for getting outside your comfort zone and letting the alarm clock go. I'm only on chapter two of the book, but I'm loving it. It's going well and I'm also not doing timeouts anymore! Next I'm going to hang up two signs, "Raise your words not your voice," and "I choose love." These are not just for me, but for Blake, too. Thank you for the book recommendation!
Shelly, I am so happy about this. I love that the boys won't be scared, and that you won't be feeling guilty and that "self control" not "minding the rules" is happening. Raising Isaiah has forced me to look at my parenting and over 33 years I have made some big mistakes. If he's minding me, it became about not being caught. Learning self control and all that goes with that, truly helps him in every aspect of his life. "At least" is wonderful. I have stories about using that!
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