the shadow of you & me

With my departure for Anchorage looming in the near future, 

I am finding myself feeling particularly sentimental about my parenting.

Tonight at bedtime I was telling Logan I need to go to Anchorage to see the doctor and that Nanny (my mom) will be meeting me there to take care of me, and then when he said his bedtime prayer he prayed that I would come back from Anchorage all better.  Totally made me cry.

Then when I was tucking Jack in, I was telling him how many days until I leave, and how many days I will be gone.  He said he would miss me and call me everyday.  He admitted, "I'm a little nervous. But not really."  It was sweet.

And finally when I was rocking Wyatt to sleep, he asked why I needed to go to Anchorage. He wanted me to just go to the clinic. I told him I needed to go to Anchorage because the doctor there will be able to help me.  He said, "Because your heart still hurts?"  I said yes. Then he said, "I will kiss it mommy." And he leaned forward and kissed me, then asked, "Does that feel better, mommy?"  

Oh, just beyond precious.

And when we were done rocking, he sat up to snuggle me one last time and saw our shadows (from the nightlight) behind us.  He looked at me, then looked behind us and said, "That's the shadow of you and me, mom.  It's special."

Oh how I love that sweet little munchkin. And his big brothers. 

I am very excited to go to Anchorage. To eat out, to sleep in, to shop and to spend time with my mom... but when I think of missing my boys for so many days, I get a little verklempt!  Thankfully Josh is very positive about the whole thing. He's excited for me to get out, to see the doctor, to spend some much needed time with my mom.  And he's not worried about his days with the boys at all. And that makes my leaving so much easier.

***

Today was a rough day emotionally up until bedtime. It got better when I slowed down and spent some time with my boys.  I am still not feeling 100%. I have a toothache, my stomach hurts, I'm dizzy... It's hard to know what is a real symptom and what is a symptom of the anxiety. At this point it all feels jumbled together. So getting through the day was hard. Plus I had to pay bills, which required actual focus (something that's hard to come by lately!) and I am feeling exhausted.

Thankfully I have a good friend & my mom, both of whom I talked to while I was feeling low, and we made a few plans.  The first one is that I am going to exercise each day. Just get that heart rate up in the hopes that it will relieve a little stress and lead to me feeling better.  The other is to write down my emotions/thoughts/feelings when I'm having a panic attack so later I can study them for clues or triggers.  Just having a plan makes me feel more in control of the situation.

I read two awesome blog posts today that spoke to me about the beauty of the fresh start of a new year.

15 Fresh Starts For The New Year

2014 by C Jane

My personal favorite thought for the new year is this one:

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

whispering, 'it will be happier'..."

-Alfred Tennyson

I have already started organizing and sorting through the house, something I love doing in the new year, and I am hoping tomorrow I will feel even better so I can tackle the playroom, which is currently a post-Christmas disaster!

I also ordered myself two new books to start the new year off right:

The Happiness Project
and

Happier at Home

I can't wait for them to arrive!!!

Happy New Year!