What Is Right

Thank you, all of you, for the kind things you said in response to my last post.  

Leaving is hard.  

Saying goodbye to my loved ones is hard.  

Letting summer end is hard.

Going back to our remote village is challenging, making most of our meals from scratch is not easy, and being so isolated (both in location and due to weather) can be difficult.  

But just because something is hard doesn't mean it isn't right.  

I know that moving back to Washington seems as though it would solve all my problems, but I assure you, it would not.  There are things here that are stressful, too.  And my anxiety has followed me, regardless of my geography.  That said, Josh and I have both agreed that if it reaches the point where being in the village is negatively impacting my well being (more than I think raising three kids while overcoming depression & anxiety would normally anywhere) we would absolutely relocate.

I guess if I'm spilling my guts (which I tend to do on here), this is what I would say:

I just need you to listen, nod, and agree that leaving is hard.

I need you to remind me that I'm awesome. That what I'm doing (being home with my kids) is worth it.  That I can do hard things.  I need you to commiserate with me when I struggle with parenting, and tell me that someday I will look back on this as the biggest adventure of my life.

I need you to cheer me on when I need cheering,

and listen when I need to vent.

That's it.

I promise that we're being smart.  That we're taking everyone in the family into account while making our big life plans.  I don't want fear to run my life.  I want to be brave and free.  Things may continue to get better for me emotionally, or they may not.  But I will have to cross that bridge when we get there.  

The good news is, God will be there when I do.

And so will Josh.

So at least I know, I won't be alone.

*

A Brave Face

 This weekend we went camping with family.  My mom, nephew, brother-in-law, his fiancee & her brother, and my sister's family all joined us at my favorite place.  It's where I grew up camping.  And taking my kids there is magic.

 While we were camping I started getting emotional about departing for Alaska in August.  We leave in a little over two weeks, and I just can't comprehend how that's possible.

 I have been trying to keep positive about going back.  But to be honest, I'm scared.  Last year was exhausting physically (pneumonia, bronchitis...) and emotionally (depression, anxiety...), and it's left me shaken.

I have to remind myself of one of my lifelong favorite quotes:

"Courage doesn't always roar.  

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 

"I will try again tomorrow."

-Mary Anne Radamacher

I have made it through hard days.  I have had debilitating anxiety and joy-stealing depression, and still I stand.  I have cried and prayed and trembled in fear, and still I stand.  Through it all, I have run our household, parented my children & loved my husband.

It's scary to go back to the place where my fear was so strong, but it's home.  

Really, it is.  

So I have to put on a brave face.

Josh reminds me that I have tools now that I lacked before.  And that I have a 100% track record of making it through hard days.  And that's pretty good.

Most importantly, though, I want it.  

I want to have joy, to be free of fear and to live fully.  

And that desire coupled with my newfound skills will lead to success.

*

Me + The Boys

The last few days have been really fun for our family.  We spent a few days in Moses Lake (where Josh was born), then attended a family reunion.  I love sharing these little guys with everybody.

Jack is working on two more loose teeth (one is a top front)

and Logan has just one more loose tooth.

(They both lost their first -- the same tooth-- less than 36 hours apart... freaky!)

There's so much I want to blog, but I am honestly just too busy having fun!  I hope to get a little down time next week so I can write out some of the ideas I have in my blog notebook, as well as post some of our awesome vacation pictures.

Meanwhile, know that I am taking pictures, collecting inspiration and hoping to get back to regular blogging soon!

Baseball in the Rain

The last two days of baseball camp it was POURING DOWN RAIN.  Josh joked that those poor coaches must have been so mad we showed up anyway, seeing as the rest of the team didn't come on those days.  But we're tough Alaskans, and my sisters' boys are Northwest born through & through, so a little liquid sunshine did not deter us.

Bless those amazing coaches who put up with our crazy, rambunctious boys with a smile on their faces.  They were awesome.  Not to mention having to teach for two days of torrential downpours.  

Our ball players were not the only ones enjoying the rain.  

Milo loved it, too.

Oh how I love this photogenic little man. He's so cute & so dang HAPPY!  All the time.  Always a smile on his face and a skip in his step.  I love it.

My own little guy did not venture out in the rain, but I love him anyway!

I am so glad we have tough little boys who are healthy, full of energy and not thrown off by some bad weather!

The Zoo, Grevstad Style

I'm going to let the pictures speak for themselves for this post.  

It was a great zoo trip and we were super happy to have our cousins along!

The Lake

Hands down, best day of my summer thus far.  

Warm sunshine, cold water, good company and happy kids.  

All the ingredients necessary for a perfect day.