On Having School Aged Twins

The last week I have found myself wishing that there were more blogs and forums for moms of older twins. We face issues that are so different than those with younger twins, but equally as consuming. I would love to pick another mom's brain about different classrooms, birthday parties, how to help them navigate their unique relationship...

But most moms of twins tend to share less and less as time goes on with their twins, for good reason, to protect their children's privacy.  While I understand that, I am struggling to find any information on classroom placement that is for any grade higher than second.  

God bless Josh for helping them, every night, to memorize their multiplication facts!

We are close to wrapping up the twins' first year in public school.  They've spent all of third grade in separate classrooms, making different friends, learning from different teachers and having different experiences.  I think this has been so good for them.  I think it has allowed them to each build confidence in themselves, and has given them the chance to spread their wings a little bit.

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When the twins were babies & toddlers, I hated people who would walk by and say, "Double trouble."  Now that they are nearly nine years old, I don't hear "double trouble" anymore.  Now I am mostly only annoyed by people asking them if they ever switch spots at school.  I hate the idea of them trying to trick people, and I wish grown adults wouldn't suggest they do it.  I hate it for two reasons.  One reason is that it's naughty, and I don't appreciate perfect strangers asking my kids if they're done something really naughty.  The other reason, though, is that to me (and hopefully to the twins themselves) they are not interchangeable.  Jack can't just take Logan's place.  Jack is his own person. And despite the fact that Logan has his face, he's himself.  He has his own essence, his own personality, his own place in this world. And vice versa. 

Other than asking about swapping places, people tend to just ask if they're twins and sometimes even if Wyatt is their triplet.  The boys all make me proud, answering kindly, with no sarcasm and no annoyance.  I hope they maintain that kindness forever. 

Other than school issues, I am struggling also with walking them through life as a twin, while I myself am not a twin.  I grew up being inherently myself.  I never struggled to know who I was.  Shelly:  People pleaser. Bookworm. Good student. Kind girl.  Now as a mom I hate not knowing what's right for my boys.  How much do I push to make them to involve each other? Or to share?  When do I need to let them have space? How much space do they need? Should all items be "shared" items, or do they need some things that are only "theirs"?  How do I let Logan be Logan and Jack be Jack without allowing their twin to feel excluded from that sense of identity?

When it comes to homework or chores, I know exactly what the right answer is. 

Do your best.
Try again.
Don't give up.

Work harder.
Be part of the team.
Do a job well.

But when it comes to navigating the relationship when one brother is being clingy and another needs space, I feel completely lost. Grasping for what might be the right answer. Praying that whatever I do is right, and won't ruin forever the relationship they're growing. 

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In addition to this year being their first in public school, we have also faced our first medical issues beyond shots & runny noses.  In October Logan had a seizure in the cafeteria during lunch that lead to him eventually being diagnosed with epilepsy.  Following his second seizure in January of this year, his neurologist ordered him anti-seizure meds as well as a follow up MRI. 

When we found out about Logan's epilepsy diagnosis (based on an abnormal EEG), I held it together for weeks.  We had medication adjustments to make and follow up appointments to set, and really, I never let myself stop and feel anything.  

Finally I broke down and cried over it. 

Is it the end of the world? No. It could be so much worse.  Most likely Logan will not be adversely effected by his epilepsy diagnosis.  It will make dental work annoying (dentists HATE epileptics), and he'll have to always make sure he takes his meds, but other than that, it really shouldn't impact him.  I forgot many times as we navigated this new road that my own husband has epilepsy.  And truly the most frustrating part of him having it is remembering his medication when we travel. That's it. Pretty small in the grand scheme of things.

But regardless of how small it is, it is something I wish my child didn't have, so feeling my feelings about that was important and I'm glad they finally bubbled to the surface.

Logan being brave, getting prepped for his MRI.
Double thumbs up!!

I swear I had just come to terms with his epilepsy diagnosis when I got the call that his follow up MRI, which I had scheduled and attended quite nonchalantly, showed another abnormality.  Type 1 Arnold Chiari Malformation.  

There are times when having twins is just fun.  But there are other times when having twins (particularly identical twins) is just plain scary.  Does Jack have Chiari Malformation?  Will Jack eventually have epilepsy as well? We just don't know.  Many illnesses have been studied for heredity, but not all.  And even if there is a correlation, it's rarely true that a disorder is 100% concordant.  In short, there are no definite answers.  That said, I am anxious for our appointment with the neurologist in early May because I do think he will be able to shed at least some light on whether or not we need to be concerned for Jack at this point.

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As time continues for our family, and especially as I struggle to chase Carly around the house and when we're out and about, I find myself more and more thankful I got twins first. I was nearly ten years younger, then, just turning 25 when they were born, and honestly, I didn't know any different, so having two babies at once felt normal.  As for now, I will admit, them having each other allows me to let them go in ways I never would if they were singletons. I give them more freedom (like going to the bathroom without me at the store, or riding half way to school) than I would if they were my first born and they didn't have one another.

Looking ahead to next year, as I said, we are considering putting them in the same class because Jack's teacher is moving up to the fourth grade and I adore her. In addition to liking her so much, I love that she already knows Jack & Logan, knows Logan's story of how his epilepsy came about, and is amazing at communicating even the tiniest details to me, which I love.  

That said, I worry that having them in the same class would increase their sense of competition as well as create issues for them with problem-solving in a classroom, when they are only used to dealing with one another at home, in a much more casual setting.  (Translation: I am worried they will wrestle in class or punch one another when they're fighting. Hah!)

So while I wait to meet with their teachers to discuss pros & cons, I am praying. And if you have any thoughts on what we should decide, I'd love to hear any opinions!

I love this quote I found on twins.  

It explains, perhaps, why I struggle so much with parenting mine.

"Both the rivalry and the closeness may be fueled by the same thing: alikeness... You want to be treated the same and you want to be treated differently.  You want to be alike and you want to distinguish yourself."

-Klagsbrun

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