Quiet

Other than my "Around Here" posts, I've been kind of quiet on here.  It's not because there's not a million things going on in my life (and in my mind) but more because there is so much going on.  I don't know where to start. I don't know how to untangle the growing and learning and aching I've been doing.

So right now, instead of changing the baby, who is running around with her diaper sagging between her legs, I am making the twins fold laundry while Wyatt eats breakfast and I sit down here for a minute to share my heart with you.  

I have been finding lately that when an emotion surfaces (sadness at a kid feeling left out at recess; anger at a brother treating his sibling unkindly; frustration at our finances...) instead of feeling that feeling in a healthy way, I am turning to social media to tune out of my own life and tune into others' lives.  I used to turn to food.  The last few weeks, I am turning to my phone, the TV or sometimes a book.  I'm not entirely sure this is an improvement. In fact, I am sure it's not. I've just switched drugs.  My "drug" of choice used to be sweets, now it's distraction in any form.

Honestly right now I am just so weary.  Weary at parenting four kids. Weary at chasing Carly around the house, at breaking up fights, at worrying about drop off and homework and recess.  It's only week four of school and I am so exhausted and so weary.  I don't sleep enough, I don't eat well, I'm not finding time for myself. 

We wake up so early, I feel like I will never make up on the sleep I'm losing.  Most nights we're in bed by 10, but with four kids alternately waking me up (with a sore throat, a runny nose, or a need to nurse) I rarely feel rested.  Kid fighting has reached a lifetime max this week, and I am at the end of my rope.  I have no idea where to go from here.  The twins are grounded; they've all had their share of extra chores; and I have taken away any number of privileges in hopes it would change their behavior.  As for school (and all that comes with it) I at least have Wyatt happy at drop off again. Hallelujah!  And I know with time we'll adjust to the schedule and the homework routine.  It just takes time.

I guess I've just never felt like this before.  I feel like life has run me over.

I have no pretty bow with which to wrap this post up. I guess I'm just going to put this out there, so that if you're feeling this way, you can hear my hearty "Me too! Me too!" and know you're not alone.

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