Around Here: Week 15 {2018} In Which I Reach My Breaking Point

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Wyatt spelling his name in Pretzel

{Logan pitching}

Wrapping... up spring break with a mellow weekend, which was just what we needed.  Lots of sleep and cleaning and preparation for the week ahead.  Josh also made more progress on our white picket fence for the front & side yard, which is making all my house dreams come true.  It's going to be SO cute!!!

Reading... To Kill A Mockingbird and my Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood book to better understand what the neurologist was talking about at Logan's appointment last Thursday. 

Stopping... in to let the office know of the changes to Logan's seizures and the new protocol for his seizures, including not calling 911 unless his seizures are more than five minutes long.  It feels so scary to be the one "in charge" of his seizures.  I'm hoping as I continue learning more, I'll feel more confident in this role.

Baseballin'... with all three of our boys this week.  Jack was starting pitcher at their first game (so so proud of him!) and Logan played first base (he's our leftie!).  At their second game, Logan played pitcher and Jack got his first pop fly.  Wyatt is doing an amazing job, hitting almost every time he's up to bat, and playing with an amazing attitude, which is a huge change from last year.  It's so fun to see them growing up in the game, and seeing their skills improve so much over time.  Josh loves the game, and I love watching the boys and their dad bond over it.

Getting... used to the twins' new transition lenses.  They have begged for years for transition lenses, and this year we finally got them.  They LOVE having the shades during baseball and when playing outside, and they are keeping their glasses on so much more.  It was definitely worth it (less than $70 each) and will be so good for their eye health.  We didn't get them for Wyatt because his glasses prescription is so small, he can just take off his glasses and wear shades if he wants to, without losing much sight.

Attending... MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) this week, which was great. We had a guest speaker who spoke about creating (and maintaining) strong marriages.  He gave some great nuggets of wisdom- including the idea that every husband desires being "wanted" more; that every husband needs your desires laid out clearly; and that husbands will likely respond well to an apology if you do it right. (And if you do it right, your relationship is more likely to move on past a hiccup instead of staying stuck.)  It made me want to put a little more effort into "us" and make sure that Josh is getting the BEST of me, not the REST of me, after the kids and life!

Grateful... for spring(ish) weather and walking to school everyday this week.  There's been some clouds and wind which haven't been strictly spring (and sunny) weather but it's been close enough that I walked everyday and I'm so grateful for that daily exercise for me and the boys, even if we did get sprinkled on a little bit a few times.  Clocking those three miles (it's 3/4 of a mile, there and back, there and back) everyday day feels so good!!!

Experiencing... a lot of anxiety and panic the last few days, and with it, all different sorts of health anxiety & worries.  Between Logan & Wyatt's health issues (the asthma and epilepsy which require constant monitoring); my hormones; the normal exhaustion that comes from caring for four kids and my early morning work schedule (which requires waking at 3:30am 3x a week); I am just suddenly worn out.  Fried.  I woke up five days in a row, in a complete PANIC this last week.  Heart pounding, arms shaking, dizzy, terrified, shaking, like the feeling when you almost get into an accident...

Deciding... that enough is enough and going to the doctor for my worries & accompanying panic.  He put me on Prozac, starting me on a low dose to see how I do, and he also suggested I increase my migraine medication in hopes of bringing my number of migraines down.  (I'm currently having about six per month, which has me feeling trapped and kind of depressed because they make me such a miserable person to live with.  I hate suffering so, and making those who live with me suffer.)  The Prozac should help with any depression from the migraines, the anxiety & panic, any OCD tendencies I have (which manifest themselves when I'm having health concerns) as well as reducing headaches.

Calling... a therapist as well, and hoping that the mix of medication and therapy will help me get back on my feet.  I just want to stop feeling scared all the time.  I want to stop thinking I have cancer or some other deadly disease everyday.  I want to stop living in fear.

Telling... myself that it's okay that I don't have the strength to fight this on my own.  It's okay to need help.  It's okay that carrying the weight of Logan & Wyatt's diagnoses became too much.  It's okay that some days it feels unfair. And some days I cry. A lot.  It's okay that other people can carry on just fine without help, and I can't.  It's okay.  It's okay.  It's okay.  {deep breath}

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