some deep thoughts on my thirty eighth birthday

Today is my thirty eighth birthday. 

For a few months leading up to this day, I thought, 

"I can't believe I'm going to be 38. I don't feel 38!"  

But as the days and weeks continued passing,  I began to feel more and more ready for this age. I think I am feeling a little more confident in who I am, a little more confident in where I'm at in life, and a little more settled into what life looks like in 2020. 

This is thirty eight:

• wearing a mask
• teaching my children at home
• seeing only a handful of family members (and one friend) who are in my circle
• doing everything via Zoom, from book club to doctor appointments
• finding my first grey hairs
• taking Prozac for my anxiety
• taking propranolol for my migraines (+ sumatriptan when they break through) 
• weighing more than I ever have
• doing my best to balance taking care of everyone* (& the house) and keeping my sanity
• deciding we are DONE having children
• giving myself grace (so much grace) when what I'm doing doesn't seem like enough

* with "everyone" including: 

two seventh graders, a fourth grader, a teacher husband, an enthusiastic four year old, two cats and a gigantic dog.

Tonight Josh surprised me with the gift of a brand new laptop. Just for me. He knows I love blogging wherever I want (the couch, my reading chair, the patio, the front porch) and I've missed that freedom since our old laptop died. So he shocked my socks off with a new one. It's so beautiful, and I am so inspired to share more on here, and spend more of my time recording my thoughts and our sweet little family life. 

The twins have started reading the blog during their down time, and it makes my heart so happy to see them remember old times and reminisce with each other (and me) about all the adventures we've had. So I would really like to make sure I'm putting as much of our life on here as I want to so that they can have all these memories to look back on. 

I am so grateful that I have as much of our life on here as I do. It's such a source of joy- to look back, to remember, to wax nostalgic- scrolling through pictures of different times.  I have been blogging here for a little over twelve years, and I can't believe all the growth that has happened (in me, and our family) in that decade. 

Our family has grown: more kids... more cats... and a dog! Our family has loved & lost: family friends, grandparents, a beloved student and two little Babyhams that never got to join our family here on earth. Our family has moved: from the rainy pacific Northwest to a village in snowy Alaska to the dry desert of Central Washington.  

The more changes we face as a family, the more we grow together. 

2020 has provided plenty of opportunities for growth, 

and with this crew (+ Josh) by my side, I am here for the challenge. 

When I closed my eyes to blow out my candles?

I will admit that all I wished for, 

was more of this. 

***