My Baby Guy

Happy Wednesday!

Today I wanted to share these adorable pictures of Wyatt in the tub back in August.  

This was right before his first haircut after summer.

Things here, on Day 3 of no anxiety, are settling back into normal. It feels so good, I am euphoric.  I feel like I was in a deep, dark tunnel and suddenly I have been thrust into the sunlight. It feels so good and warm on my face.  I have lost my fear of the future, and even more than that, there are things I'm looking forward to.

Mainly being reunited with loved ones in May.  I find that's what I like to fantasize about.  Our little boys marching, all in a row, through the airport, on our way to find grandmas & grandpas, aunts & uncles.  Hugs & tears & laughter.  It's going to be good. So good.

I think that when I hit the two-week mark on medication, I thought I should *snap* be magically cured, and when I wasn't feeling better, I started freaking out.  Thankfully a friend of my mom's (hi, Debbie!) mentioned that it took her 3-4 weeks on medication before she started feeling the effects. This gave me the hope I needed to carry on.  Today marks three weeks for me, and I woke up this morning with zero anxiety symptoms.

A negative thought will come in, and I will watch as it floats back out.  A bad feeling will come over my body and I will acknowledge it, but carry on, causing it to lose its power. 

But the best part is how happy my kids are that I am well.  They want to play and read and laugh with me, and it makes me so happy.  I am so thankful that I am here with them.  That I am well.  Coming out of this hard period has also created a gratitude for my husband that is deeper than ever before. He really loved me through this, not only keeping up his responsibilities, but taking mine on as well.  

I am so blessed by Josh, those precious boys, and the fact that my medication is finally working.  This is one happy (relieved) mama.

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, 

pales in comparison to what lies within you."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

MAIL

letters, boxes, 

packages, magazines

Really? Really.

 Well, wow. 

 Yesterday was awesome. 

Amazing. Terrific. Special. Fabulous.

 It snowed. And snowed and snowed. All day long. And now Marshall is covered in a sparkly blanket of white that is so bright & beautiful.

 Something else that's bright & beautiful? This guy. As soon as Josh got home from work Logan lugged his humongous reading book off the bookshelf and asked Daddy to listen to him read.  My mama heart swelled in pride as he sounded out words, forming sentences.  I can't believe it sometimes.

I taught them to read.

I did that.

It's spectacular.

Another thing that made yesterday magic? Reading. I am finally able to get into a book, which I haven't been able to do in weeks.  My latest read is Stella Bain by Anita Shreve for my book club, and I am loving every page.

 But really, what really made my day special yesterday was you guys. I think I had nearly 100 Happy Birthday wishes on my Facebook page. Plus comments on the blog and text messages and phone calls.

 And the topper? 

Skyping with my mom for nearly two hours during nap time.  

It was so good to see her face.

 Josh made me a cake, did the dishes and made me dinner. Thoroughly spoiling his girl on her big day. 

*

A few people mentioned wanting to know what was in all those presents I took pictures of yesterday.  Your wish is my command:

 Josh's sister, Julie, who happens to be my bestie, blessed me again this year with a present to open every hour on my birthday.  

 My favorite, by far, is this bracelet.

 It says:

LET WHATEVER YOU DO TODAY BE ENOUGH.

It's sort of my mantra this year. 

And this bracelet is such a super cool reminder.

 My mom bought me these Sorel slippers,

which are like hugs for my feet.

 Julie, fellow mother of three boys, said nothing makes chores go away, but that maybe pink wash cloths & happy smelling dish soap would make doing them more pleasant. Love her.

From Josh I requested some sleepwear.  

He got me this blue one and a few others. 

I love all of them & am excited for new duds to sleep in.

 My sister & Julie both bought me socks, which make for happy feet, which, as you know, makes me smile.

 Julie also sent a book and a beautiful journal.

I love empty journals.

They're so inspiring.

 She also included Barnes and Noble & iTunes gift cards.

 And I got Vanilla Bean Noel body wash & lotion from her.

And to keep summer fresh in my mind, she sent along some sunless tanner.

It made me smile to think someday it will be summer again.

 My mom sent a Birthday Cake candle (& accessories) that smells delish!

 Julie sent along some stationary-- cute stickers (my fav) and fun cards.

 She also sent hair pretties, earrings, yummy chapstick and a best friend necklace. It's a puzzle piece that says "YOU". (Hers says "ME".)

 Julie & Roxanne weren't only the same page about socks.  They also both got me nail stuff. Roxanne got me super sparkly pink & raspberry polishes, and Julie got me a gel kit (with a light!) that I'm excited to try out.

And last, but not least, Julie sent me some treats-- Red Vines (even though she prefers Twizzlers) and every variety of M&M's possible.

***

Overall, I would say yesterday is the best day I have had since I got here.  Aside from a little anxiety in the morning, I had no panic, and it felt so good to be in a good place emotionally.  I could feel all your prayers & well wishes.  So thank you.

Thank you so much.

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

good lotion

& 

chapstick

It's My Birthday. I'm Thirty-One-Derful

Today is November 18th. It's a special day for me.

It's my birthday.

Today I turn 31. 

When I was little, and my grandma was turning 51, 

she told me she was turning fifty-one-derful.  

So this morning I told my boys I am turning thirty-one-derful.

I kind of still can't believe I'm in my thirties, let alone that I'm 31 today.  

This has me wondering, "What do I want before I turn 32?"

Mostly I am hopeful that 31 will be amazing. 

The last few months of 30 have been challenging.

For 31 I hope for more growth, more writing, and continued loving parenting.  

I hope for closeness for Josh and I, fearlessness & a lack of anxiety for myself, and a general letting go.

I also want to keep blogging consistently.  

I love it oh so much. 

I get so inspired when I write my heart to you guys.

{fingers crossed} 

It's going to be a great year!

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

My life

all of it:

every detail...

every story...

...cause it's made me who I am

Fighty Hands

While I have enjoyed posting so many of my draft posts this week, there's a reason it's been a while since I wrote something real.  My anxiety has been back.  I have had the occasional day or two of respite (usually on the weekends when I have plans and Josh is around) but it seems to keep coming back.

It usually starts with some kind of physical sensation (back ache, headache) that I then worry will lead to something more dire, which will require my leaving the village to go to the doctor, and panic ensues.

I am totally and completely afraid of dying, and after nearly three months suffering this panic, I am exhausted.

I have been on my medicine just over two weeks. I am praying for healing. For peace. For calm.  But so far, I feel like I just keep backsliding.

I miss just waking up and facing the day. I miss feeling normal.  I miss not worrying about every.single.symptom in myself and the children.

I miss just enjoying my kids. I miss laughing. I miss having a good afternoon, without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder, waiting for the anxiety to attack again.

I hate feeling lonely and being scared of being alone.  It's like I can't even remember who I used to be.  Everything I've read tells me to give it time, but that's really challenging when each day feels like an eternity.  But I am trying. Trying to breathe, trust my body and let time pass.

In the mean time, I am keeping busy taking care of the kids and getting outside as much as possible in the nice weather we've been having.  If you think of it, lift up a prayer for me, will you?  Tomorrow is my birthday, and it would be really nice to have a good day.

(sidenote: these pictures are of the twins' favorite activity lately. Playing "fighty hands" as they call it, with my new hot pads from Target. Who knew they would provide hours of entertainment!?!)

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

My grandparents

they are an amazing example...

of strength, of dedication & of love

Holiday To-Do's

Right when we got here, I started making lists of what I wanted to do for each holiday.  

Here's what I have for Thanksgiving & Christmas.

Thanksgiving:

• 3 things we're grateful for every night
• Daily gratitude on the blog
• Read our blessings books to the boys
• Talk about what gratitude means
• "How Full Is Your Bucket" 
• Make Thanksgiving cards for loved ones

Christmas:

• Sort through old toys
• Listen to Christmas music (CHECK)
• Decorate the house
• Glitter
• Make my grandma's Cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning
• Homemade brownies (try it!)
• Sugar cookies with kids
• Christmas cards-- choosing pictures! (CHECK)
• Hang the Christmas cards we recieve on the laundry room door
• Make donuts
• Make Hello Dolly's
• Make Gingerbread Houses with the Kiwi Crate kits I ordered for the twins
• Have Christmas-themed Family Movie nights every Saturday in December
• Christmas countdown
• Christmas countdown chain
• Elf on the Shelf (ordered. CHECK)
• Make ornaments
• Drink warm cocoa outside under the stars
• Have a candlelit bath for the boys 
• Make snowflakes
• Have "unplugged" days during our three week vacation
• Indulge in our Christmas Eve tradition: 
• New pajamas from Nanny & Papa
• Home Alone
• pizza
• cookies & milk left out for Santa

We have enjoyed reading seasonal books (Halloween & Thanksgiving so far) and the boys are so excited!  This year I want to include wrapping their Christmas books as I've seen so many moms do.

As the weather turns, I want to spend more time coloring, drawing and writing letters to loved ones.

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

Sweets

{mostly baked goods}

Wanna Go Swimmin'

For our nephew Alvin's birthday back in July, we all met up at the Jim Parsley Center Pool.

Wyatt especially was overjoyed to be in the pool.

Everyday this summer he told me,  

"Wanna go swimming, mom. Wanna go swimming."

We are a family of swimmers. 

And I think we are all looking forward to swimming again this summer.

With these goggles, my kids turned into fish.

The Birthday Boy!!!

Holy delicious baby chubs!

I love that little babe!

***

After swimming we had a picnic lunch.

And played at the nearby park.

It was a great afternoon.

***

Today's Daily Gratitude:

Wyatt Nathanial

Need I say more?