today's thoughts

 Wyatt is nine months old today.  Some people in some places of the world have "Nine Months In, Nine Months Out" parties. It's strange to me that while you are pregnant, your pregnancy seems to last forever.  But once the baby is born, your pregnancy seems to have lasted merely the blink of an eye.  And now that we've had Wyatt in our lives nine months, I can't really remember a time without him.  Although somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I do remember it being easier before he came along.  Meeting two kids' needs as opposed to three.

Somebody's teething- that tongue is always out!

All three boys are sick right now, and I am feeling completely wiped out as well as stretched like Silly Putty when it starts to get stringy & see-through.  Nursing the baby while Logan calls from the bathroom, "Mom? Can you wipe me?" as Jack is pouring his water all over the kitchen floor.  Or at nap time when the baby is still crying downstairs while I am trying to get Logan & Jack to stay horizontal and for the love of good bread fall asleep!!!  I am only one person, and I feel at times I've been thrown into the lion's den, the three boys each vying for their piece of me.

I had terrible dreams last night.  Over and over, I would finally fall asleep only to awake to the baby crying, heart pounding in my ears, anxiety gripping my chest.  I dreamed I was driving back home, near Battle Ground, on a two lane highway and people were driving in the wrong lane.  Then they finally figured it out, and I pulled onto the highway myself, only to nearly cause a collision.  

 Soon after I got on the highway I had to pull off again due to an accident. A driver had hit a deer & her baby.  The police officer on scene walked me over to the deer & her baby.  Somehow the doe had ended up splayed out against a fence, her baby sitting on her back, stiff with rigamortis.  He said, "If you think that's bad, you should see this," and walked me through the forest, showing me scene after scene of dead deer with their babies.  I know I have a psych degree, but I'm still at a loss to what this means.  All I know is that it's messed up.

I was up with the baby at 11:45 & 1:15. Then Logan at 2:45. Wyatt again at 3:15 & 5:00.  Then the twins were up at 6:00, the baby at 6:30.  My eyes feel like they have sand in them, and my legs are going nuts.  That is one thing I have found uber-challenging about breast feeding Wyatt. My Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) has made breast feeding at night very difficult.  RLS is where your legs tingle/ache with a need to move when you are tired.  Sometimes I sit in the recliner kicking my legs like I'm on a run while nursing the baby.  It sucks completely. (No pun intended.)

Beside bedtime/night time being difficult, naps have also been a real struggle recently.  I lay the baby down first, at noon.  He falls asleep quite quickly most days. Then I lay the twins down, and they have been taking up to an hour to fall asleep.  By the time Jack was down yesterday, at 1:05, I only had twenty minutes before the baby was awake.  It makes the days long to not ever get a break from all three kids.  I feel like I just need a minute to breathe.  I am trying to consider myself lucky that the big boys have napped this long. They will be four in 3 short months, and we are just now starting to lose naps.  I am happy to have had them as long as we did, but also wouldn't mind if they kept napping for me until we went home for the summer.

 When we lived in Vancouver we had so much help around. Anyone and everyone was willing to watch the boys for a bit if I needed it. My mom & my sister; Josh's mom and plethora of sisters...   Now, two months into our journey here in Alaska, and I am missing it.  I wake up to one or two of the twins standing bedside, staring at me, asking to please go downstairs with them so they can play.  Most days they are now staying in bed until 6am, thanks to their red light/green light nightlight.  

But with the baby up twice a night most nights to feed, I am lucky if I get three hours in a row, and I am like a zombie.  I hit the ground running in the morning.  And with Josh tutoring, working on his Masters application and having report cards due Friday, it's not like I can just throw the kids at him when he gets home and go have a moment to myself.  That's why nap time is so important.  I need at least an hour so I can eat or journal or workout... do something for me.

I was lucky enough yesterday to play outside with Jack for an hour, just the two of us. It was like Christmas.  My heart was beating happily, and I felt so free, walking with the snow crunching underfoot, while Jack sucked on a humongous icicle that had fallen off our roof before we left. First we all went to the post office, as is our Wednesday tradition.  We got lots of packages & at the store we found cheese hot dogs (bonus!) as well as real butter.  When we got back to the house I was going to take the twins out to play while Josh chilled with Wyatt at home.  But once we arrived, Logan had decided he didn't feel well enough to play, so he stayed home, too.  

Marshall School

Jack and I went on a long walk, and eventually landed at the school, throwing snowballs at each other.  It was so gorgeous out. I wasn't cold at all.  When we got home I asked Josh to check the temperature online, just sure that it was at least 30 degrees. It was 10!  I told Josh that I must finally be fully assimilated! Honestly, the only thing that bothered me while we were out was the glare of the sun bouncing off the snow.  Next time we go out, I'll have to wear my sunglasses.

Mary stopped by to get her mail from Josh, who picked it up for her at the post office, and I told her about my shock at the temperature and then confessed to her that we had told the boys if they went outside alone a wolf would eat them.  She cracked up and said, "That's it, you're a real Bush mom now!" I cracked up!

The other day the boys were watching Narnia and when the girl stepped through the wardrobe into the snow Jack said, "I think she's going to the school."  Logan piped up, "She's not wearing her snow stuff!" Then a moment later he said, "She should have asked her mom if she could go."  And the best part is that there are actual wolves in the snow on that movie, so the boys totally think I am telling the truth.  And thank goodness, because lately their sense of independence is alarming.  Yesterday Jack pushed his stool over to the knife block and got the kitchen scissors so he could cut open the bath tablets we got from Julie in our package so he could show Mary.  He is so sure he's twelve, not three.  

With the crazy weather and our lifestyle, it's like we are in a foreign country.  In fact a few days ago I was talking to Jack about getting Papa Murphey's pizza. I told him, "When we go back to America, then we can have pizza." Oops. Ha!

---

I feel really bad for Josh.  He found out two days ago that he will never be able to be a pilot because of his epilepsy.  Besides occasionally not being able to drive (post seizure you can't drive for a period of time decided by your physician), his epilepsy has never closed a door for him.  It's disappointing, disheartening and just plain crappy that something he had toyed with pursuing is now off limits because of a neurological disorder.

---

See that rainbow? Just after posting "homesick" God gave me that rainbow.

In missing home, I feel conflicted about my feelings here.  I am happy here.  I love the location, so wild & rustic.  I love the people, everyone is so kind.  I love having our family together.  And I adore having my sidekick back in my daily life.  But does loving everything here mean I can't miss anything at home?  I guess it comes down to my emotions.  And while my love for Marshall is true, so is my ache for Vancouver.  The two will just have to live side by side for now.  It's kind of like apples & oranges. They are so different, I guess it's only natural that I want both.  

Marshall holds my immediate family, Josh's passion and our grand adventure. While Vancouver holds my history, my family of origin, and all my girlfriends.  (Not to mention the mall.)  So while I vacillate between joy & sadness, I am going to be thankful that I don't actually have to choose. I get to be here for nine months, and there for three months.  That's pretty awesome.  In fact, I found out yesterday we won't have to head back to Marshall until {roughly} August 10th. That is almost three full months!!!

Jack made this set-up with his camping girl. I almost died- it's so cute! Someone's excited to make "Smarshmallows"!

Our trip home is going to rock.  We have so much planned already.  Hiking with my dad; camping with my parents; the KOA with Julie, Conrad & their boys; gardening with Grandma Carol;  beach trips to visit Great Grandma Woo Woo & Great Papa Jerry in Rockaway; bike rides around the neighborhood; Slip'N'Sliding with Ferris & Roxanne in mom's backyard; the beach house with my family... I can't wait. 

I can't wait to put my feet in the sand, and in the grass. I can't wait to hug my mom.  I can't wait to squeeze my sister's baby while she squeezes mine.  I can't wait to explore the wilderness with my dad and sons.  I can't wait to hang out in Julie's backyard while our six (six!) boys get to know each other again, splashing in the pool, jumping on the trampoline, tossing the football.  I can't wait to live with Carol, share Wyatt with her again, and watch her garden grow.  I can't wait to see my grandparents and tell them of our adventures here.  I can't wait to see the trees that line Main Street where we got married.  I can't wait to drink Orange Koolaid on my mom's patio, watching the boys run in the "woods".  There's so much to look forward to.  I am officially on the countdown. Especially since Joe called to book our charter out of Marshall yesterday. EEEEE!

---

Josh and I spend a lot of our time talking.  Not having TV has been good this way.  The other night we were discussing our goals in raising these three boys, and it boils down to three, maybe four goals. I want them recorded for posterity.

Raise boys who are kind.

Raise boys who know they are loved.

Raise boys who have a thirst for knowledge.

And Josh would add: Raise boys who are able to contribute successfully to society.

Having these four simple goals has made parenting them easier.  Push manners, give hugs, use teachable moments, and encourage a good work ethic. Anything that doesn't apply to these, I can let go.  I found this has really helped me deal with their incessant questions.  If it's important to me for them to have a thirst for knowledge, then it's not fair of me to get annoyed at their questions. Instead I am (trying to) answer the questions & use those moments to instill new knowledge.

---

This morning I was rocking Wyatt in his blanket from my mom, and I felt so full.  Missing home has made me stop & appreciate each & every little thing that brings me joy.  Hugging the boys, lifting them off the ground; Rocking the baby while fingering the beautiful blanket my mom sewed with love for him; Taking the time to photograph little moments from our day; and reading a novel while soaking in a vanilla lavender bubbled bath.  It's the little things that bring us joy, that's what Josh's mom always says.  I'm finding that to be very true.

Speaking of little things, there are some hard boiled eggs in the fridge calling my name. (Thanks Josh for making them for me!)  This Bush Mom is off to eat some breakfast!