dropping my basket

I want to write about the week before last. About how I {almost} dropped my basket.  I want to tell you about how important self care is, especially for stay-at-home mommas.  If we don't stop to take a break, we could work ourselves into the ground. Which is precisely what I did.

It started when Josh went to Hooper Bay for teacher training. He was gone two nights, and the morning after he got home, his parents arrived.  They were here a week, and while they were here, we had the water go out for three days, and Josh was working like mad.  Then they left and Josh was principal for a day, had his formal observation with Randy (the principal) and then left (again) for Anchorage for four days of tutoring training.  When he got back from Anchorage, he was principal for four days, and then was finally able to get back into his classroom last Friday.

That tells you what Josh was doing for the last four weeks.  

What I was doing was this: surviving 

Freaking out. Losing my mind. Holding it together, but barely. 

{barely}

There was a lot of yelling, crying, panicking and praying.

And last Wednesday I experienced anxiety like I haven't experienced in months. I knew something had to give.  Thursday morning I called the boys' pediatrician to discuss quitting breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is one thing I can let go of, to lighten my responsibilities, and to allow Josh to be more involved in Wyatt's care.  I can't stop bathing them, feeding them, or caring for the house.  I can't stop waking up with them, reading with them, or cutting their toenails.

This decision was precipitated by a super severe headache, which required my taking a prescription.  This prescription is for really bad migraines only, and is somewhat risky to take, as it is emitted my breast milk. So I always hesitate to take it. Well, Wednesday night my head hurt so bad, I took the medicine immediately, and it didn't even touch what I was feeling.  What I wanted then was to take an Ativan, my anti-anxiety pill that I can take when I am having a panic attack.  I haven't taken one of these in about two years, since before my pregnancy with Wyatt.  But none of my breathing or journaling or thought-calming techniques were working.

So now, here I am, one week into weaning, and wondering if I am doing the right thing.  Along with weaning Wyatt, I have started exercising (just fifteen minutes) every.single.day.  I think this helps with my rage level, gives me good endorphins  and will help lift my mood as the darkness sets in. (The sunrise in Marshall today was at 10:04 am) I am also journaling every.single.day.  Writing about parenting, my emotions, what I feel and what I need.  And as of yesterday, we have internet at the house (!!!), and I can only imagine this will help. Feeling connected again to the outside world... Knowing I am not the only momma struggling with day after day of the same old thing, trying to be grateful and remember this is what I wanted.  Oh, that reminds me, another thing I have been doing is writing down at least five things every morning that I am thankful for. I keep it simple, but it's effective nonetheless. (You can find recent posts on my Babyham Blessings blog.)

I started weaning, per my pediatricians' advice, by eliminating just one feeding for 4-7 days. I decided to eliminate the morning nap nursing, since he has just had breakfast, and is usually really tired.  I skipped that feeding for a week, and he was fine with it, until yesterday, day seven.  He cried the most heartbreaking cry when I refused to lift up my shirt.  I was so sad on his behalf, I almost gave in. But he is nearly 17 months, and I know he's old enough to wean, and I know that I may be feeling better right now, but if I need to take an Ativan, or my headache medicine, I want to be able to do so freely, and breastfeeding just doesn't work since I can't pump and dump. (He has never had a bottle in his life.)  And so last night I planned to continue my weaning schedule by eliminating the bedtime feeding. By the grace of God, Wyatt didn't cry a single tear when I told him we weren't going to nurse that time.  He just settled his sweet baby face on my chest and sucked away at his binky.

This coming Friday I will eliminate middle-of-the-night feedings- yipes!- and the following Friday, I will eliminate afternoon nap nursing.  I get overwhelmed thinking about the whole thing, and about being done, so I am trying to just focus on today. Today I skipped morning nursing, and I will skip bedtime nursing. And I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.  But with how close I was to the edge of my sanity last week, I know I am doing the right thing for me, and for my family.

It's true what they say, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." I found that to be all too true the week before last.  I woke up bitchy every morning (sorry, there just isn't another word that's appropriate); feeling bitter that I had been up in the night; angry that I had to wake up with the kids in the morning; and feeling I had little to nothing to look forward to each day.  I took my attitude out on Josh and our boys.  I was short, snappy, bossy and rude.

Last week, with the decision to quit breastfeeding, start working out and journaling I was feeling excited every morning when I woke up. I have had more patience, and my body has felt tired at night, which makes it so much easier to fall asleep.  Panic no longer plagues me.

But I see how quickly I fell into bad habits. How quickly, without help or changes in my plan, I can go from perfectly fine, to losing my mind.

I was terrified. I was being that wife. Nagging, harping, just wanting him home, and then being angry with him while he was here. I was being that mother.  Saying no, being irritated, skipping all warnings and doling out consequences.  I hated who I was.  I don't want to be that wife. Or that mother. 

I don't want to be unhappy.  

I want to find joy in the little things.  I want to have fun with my boys. I want to appreciate Josh.  And I want to allow change to come, and not overwhelm me.  

So I will work at it.  I will work at being grateful. I will work at being happy. I will work at being a fun, joyful mom. I will work at remembering Josh is my ally. I will work at being a better me.  

"If we don't change, we don't grow.

If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

-Gail Sheehy