sacrifice

Sacrifice. 

We all know it. 

We’ve all done it.

Especially those of us who are mothers.  Think of how many hours of sleep, or warm meals we have missed to satisfy the needs of the littles who depend on us. 

 

This week I have been thinking a lot about sacrifice.  About what it takes to run a family, be a wife, be a mother.  In particular a mother who stays-at-home.  We sacrifice careers, respect & income. We sacrifice personal space, quiet time, and private trips to the bathroom.

 

I have personally sacrificed what, to some, may be an insane amount in order to be home with my children.  The sacrifices were well worth the rewards, but that doesn’t make the sacrifices any less monumental.  I sacrificed grocery stores, my car, and local parks.  I sacrificed my extended family, my friends, my hometown.  I sacrificed Burgerville, Barnes & Noble, Target.  I sacrificed the pool, the zoo and the library. 

 

In losing so much, you would think, “Wow, she must be headed some place great!”  And in reality, I was. I was headed “home”.  But also in reality, I was headed to bush Alaska.  Where fall is cold and winter is colder.  Where snow falls nine months of the year, and the wind howls like a jet outside my bedroom window most nights.  The co-op is often out of eggs & butter, and some days our mail planes can’t land because of a low cloud ceiling.

 

But the weather and the store aside, Marshall is home.  Or at least I am working to make Marshall home.  I would say that 90% of my time in Alaska is spent within the walls of our housing unit.  Those are the hours that are a challenge.  The time spent outside our four walls, in the community, exploring; at the park or post office; visiting with the locals, is time that flies by and warms me to all things Yupik.  It’s the hours inside our home, which right now has no television, no internet and no water (!), that can drive me stark raving mad.

 

It would be easy for me climb up on the pity pot (as long as I didn’t flush- remember?  no water) and feel sorry for myself.  I can’t wash dishes, shower, do laundry or flush my literal toilets. But I am trying to embrace the challenge and accept that it is what it is.  So instead, I have been meditating on the idea of sacrifice.  I may not have washed my hair in three days (trust me, it’s as bad as you think) and I may have laundry piled behind the laundry room door to the point of bursting open, but I am trying to see the silver lining, which is that I can’t do any of my regular chores.  So I am reading our new Scholastic order books, planning pre-school for the next two months, and teaching Wyatt new words.  “Nigh-night”, “Bath”, and “Dog” are way more fun than a load of whites, washing the breakfast bowls and scrubbing the kitchen table.

 

In every sacrifice, there is a gain.  In leaving everything behind in Washington, I gained lazy mornings spent on the couch with my big boys, watching Despicable Me, while Wyatt naps. I gained rocking Wyatt to sleep for every nap (in my rocking chair- it finally came!) and being the one who goes in to get him when he wakes up. I gained time for making homemade bread, tortillas & cookies each week.  I gained peace of mind in knowing that I am where I am supposed to be, and Josh is providing for us. 

 

Living in bush Alaska may provide its challenges, but it also has its rewards.  I love the slower pace out here. I love the sense of wilderness. I love the dirt roads, and no buildings as far as the eye can see.  I love the view of my tundra out front.  I love the fresh air, the sunshine and the power of the river.  I love the small town feel, waving at each person who passes on the road to the post office, and knowing many of the families that make up Marshall’s community.  I love the sound of children, birds & four wheelers all drifting into the house as I play with the boys.

 

For everything I lost (or as I prefer to see it, sacrificed), there is something different and equally good that I gained.  Unfortunately, each day doesn’t come out even.  And there are days when not being able to hug my mom or sit on Julie’s backyard swing with her almost breaks my heart.  But there are also days where I think, “There is nowhere else I’d rather be,” and I feel complete peace about our decision to live out here.

 

I hesitated to write about what I have sacrificed to be home with our boys because I felt like I was tooting my own horn, but I have it on good authority that this isn’t the case.

 

According to Walt Whitman, “If you done it, it ain’t bragging.”

 

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In other news… Josh will be gone for four days at the end of the week for training in Anchorage, and the week after next he will be principal Monday through Thursday, which means even though he’s “here”, he won’t be here.

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The big boys have taken up praying.  It is the cutest thing I have ever heard.  When Josh was gone in Hooper Bay Jack was praying for him at dinner and his prayer went a little something like this:

“Dear God, Please bring Daddy home safely. JESUS CRHIST! Amen.”

I was cracking up.  The name was in the right place, but the emphasis was, perhaps a little more appropriate for say, slamming your finger in the car door. 

Holy hilarious.

 

And night  before last Logan was praying and he said, “Dear God, Thank you for God.  Thank you for making our house cozy.  Thank you for our whole family. Thank you for Jesus. Amen.” I just love listening to their prayers, and seeing how comforted they are by them.

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Josh’s parents just left after a weeklong visit.

 

Unfortunately the weather sucked everyday but Sunday, when we were able to go climb Mt. Pilcher.

 

It was cold, and a long, hard hike, but the view was totally worth it!

 

 

They brought groceries with them, and I was able to try my hand at homemade lasagna, as well as a HUGE moose roast and we also ate a lot of fresh tortillas!

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I am reading a lot lately—and it’s a struggle for me when I am reading a book I dislike to put it down and pick a new one. But I have decided life is too short to read crappy books. So I picked up and put back down Julie & Julia, and have instead moved on to Little Earthquakes, a book about four different women, about to become mothers.  It’s pretty good so far.

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The boys got their glasses back and we are all overjoyed!!!  Logan puts his on the second his eyes pop open, and I have noticed a difference in school, as well. They can actually see their work!

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Unfortunately there is still no word on internet… But we will be getting television.  Josh brought it up a couple weeks ago, and my instant reaction was NO! I don’t want it.  But he has so little that he looks forward to, that I know it would mean a lot to him to have it. Mostly he wants it so he can watch sports- football games, basketball games, baseball games, or at least the highlights on ESPN.  So we are just awaiting a receiver.  There are two other things that will be nice about having TV (aside from a happy hubby) and those are: being able to rent movies to watch for date night, and allowing the boys to watch TV instead of the same ten movies over and over.  A little variety might be nice!  Although, I know it is making me nervous, because the other night I dreamed Josh kept sneaking away from family time to watch ESPN!

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We have made a decision, and Christmas will be spent in Marshall.  It was not an easy decision, and it meant declining some generous offers to help get us home, but we feel this is the best decision for our family.  Between airfare, car rental and hotel  costs, and the challenge that is traveling with all three kids, we decided it was the best  choice.  Imagining Josh off work for two weeks; us taking turns sleeping in, playing with the boys all day, baking with them, and doing Christmas crafts... it starts to sound quite appealing, actually. It’s when I think about what I’m missing at home in Vancouver that I get sad. But we are determined to make the best of a tough situation.  And I think having the kids will make the holiday magic appear, no matter where we are.

 

Speaking of holidays, I have to say I am super sad to miss out on the pumpkin patch this year. It’s my favorite  holiday outing.  I love the trees, the leaves, the pumpkins, the hot cocoa.  I am super bummed about it.  I talked to Krista, a fellow teacher & mama of littles here in Marshall, and she said every year she has been here (which is six years) they have had to wear snow pants to Trick or Treat.  This makes costumes a bit of a challenge. Luckily my mom was up for the challenge, and we should have some super cute little Halloween boys! {Snow suits or not!}

 

Meanwhile, time keeps marching on.  We are only 40 days from my 30^th birthday and a mere week from Wyatt turning 16 months old. His words are increasing everyday. He now says: yuck, snack, more, all done, bye, hi, cracker, cookie, hot dog, bath, water, open, off, book, ball, dog, nope & uh oh. 

I think “yuck” is my favorite.  He says it so emphatically. It’s so cute!   He can also put his diaper in the trash all by himself. {Did I mention I have given up cloth diapering? I just cannot, for the life of me, get that horrible smell out of my diapers.  I have tried just about everything, and finally decided enough is enough.}

 

That baby boy is just getting so big.  His favorite activity has moved from reading the ReadAloud books our parents recorded for the boys, to having me (or Josh or the twins) read his new David Shannon books to him.  We ordered the series of three Diaper David hardback books for him with our last Scholastic order.  It has Oops!,Oh David!, and David Smells.  His favorite is Oops! and he will say some of the words with us- Ball, Dog, Bath… He loves it so much! And I love seeing him try to read.

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You won’t be hearing from me again for probably two weeks or so since Josh will be going out of town, and then will be working as principal for a week.  I will miss you!  Until then, I will say thank you so much for the care packages, good thoughts & prayers lifted on our behalf.