Hope on Christmas

So as most of you know, I have spent much of the fall struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and depression.  I have hated feeling this way.  Hated how tired, sad and scared I have been.  At times I have felt really hopeless.

One of the things I hate most about anxiety is that I find myself unable to read, which is one of my favorite hobbies.  Well yesterday my anxiety was nearly absent, and I found I was able to read again. So I picked up where I left off in my One Thousand Gifts book by Ann Voskamp.  

I swear to you, it was like God came and took a seat beside me on the couch.  He put his arm around me as I read the words and said to me (via Ann, the author) that it's safe to trust him.  That the medication will help, as will some lifestyle changes, but that also trusting Him will help ease my pain.  

My main fear is dying.  Along with that is the idea of any kind of future suffering. So the thought that I can trust God to see me through dark times, and trust God to know when my time on earth is up, is very comforting.  It's like I forgot.  Forgot how to trust, how to pray, how to relinquish control.  Ann reminds, "A good God plans everything. Everything."  His hand is in everything.

The main idea of the book is to welcome thanksgiving back into your daily life. Eucharisteo, which translates to "he gave thanks" is the act of living with gratitude.  She says this is how we make our way from an empty life to a full one.  The challenge is to come up with one thousand things, one thousand gifts, one thousand ways, that God has shown his love for you.  

184. Paper plates so I don't have to do dishes

185. Friends gathered for Thanksgiving

186. The twins wanting bedtime snuggles

187. Afternoons spent outside

316. A finished project

317. Sunlight streaming in my window

318. Christmas stockings

413. Being able to feed my kids

414. Holding hands with my husband

415. Dark chocolate

416. A break after a long day

Looking for and finding Him and His blessings in my everyday has been transformative.

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My favorite song right now is Who I am 
by Hilary Weeks
(Thank you, Karen, for sharing her with me!)

I can feel myself breathe
Really breathe again
Gonna let myself dream
Truly dream again
I won't ever stop trying

This is my story
And I'm still writing
I'm uncovering strength
I've never felt before
There's a fire inside
That's never burned before

My fears are all dying
It's time to spread my wings
And start flying

This moment is mine and I'm gonna take it
Today is a gift and I will embrace it
I am strong and I believe that's who I'm meant to be
Every step that I take is lifting me higher
Every corner I turn the future is brighter
I am brave enough to face the storm
And still stand
That's who I am

It's not about the race
It's not about how fast I run
It's finding out what's inside
And who I can become
It's all about letting go and holding on
It's about taking chances
And staying strong

This moment is mine and I'm gonna take it
Today is a gift and I will embrace it
I am strong and I believe that's who I'm meant to be
Every step that I take is lifting me higher
Every corner I turn the future is brighter
I am brave enough to face the store
And still stand
That's who I am

This has been a really hard time in my life. But I have made it through. And I feel stronger for it.  

One thing I am finding helpful with battling anxiety (aside from modern medicine, hugs from my husband, and calling my mom!) is being in the moment.  Ann says, "Thanks makes now a sanctuary." I find it so true.  When I am looking, moment to moment, for ways God is enveloping me in his arms, I am better able to stay in the present, and I am better able to trust that He's there for me.

"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, 

even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, 

they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world."

-Ann Voskamp

What a beautiful gift it was for me to find hope on Christmas.

***