Saturday Night

 It's Saturday night. The kids are tucked in bed, I'm watching The DaVinci Code on TV while eating Julie's recipe for delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and looking through pictures of my kids.

The one above is of a coloring sheet Logan colored for me when I was sick last week.  I love when the boys do thoughtful things like that.

 The last few days have been good. Not great, but good.  I am nearly well.  I finished my prednisone for the bronchitis and am hopeful that in a few days my cough will be gone altogether and then I can (finally!) quit taking my inhaler. Tomorrow marks three weeks since I was diagnosed with pneumonia and I'm tired of being sick!

I wish I trusted fully that I will get well. 

But my anxiety prevents me from fully believing I will heal.

I'm working on it!

One week from tonight I will be in Anchorage.

My mom is meeting me there for some much needed time together, and to escort me to my doctors' appointments.  I am anxious to get myself a primary care physician in Alaska.  I think it will ease a lot of my worries and make getting medical care easier as well. 

I am nervous to leave the kids. I hate that I need to. 

But if I'm being honest, I am very excited to see my mom and spend some time in civilization. 

 Shopping, eating out, going to the movies... 

 In the mean time, I am slowly finding my way back to myself.

Smiling more with this guy, laughing with the bigger guys, and enjoying date night with my best guy.

I am listening to music, lighting candles & finding joy in taking pictures again.  I am making beds, doing laundry & washing dishes.  I am talking on the phone, emailing and watching movies.   I am working everyday to get back to normal. And it feels really nice.

 I am hopeful that I will be well again emotionally. 

And I am excited to spend time with my boys again now that I am better physically.

 I am excited for New Years. 

We have Chinese food to make & yummy treats to eat. 

It's going to be great.  

I love the fresh-start-feeling of New Years.

I don't have any goals yet for the new year, but I think balance might be the word of 2014 for me.  Or maybe it will be trust. I need both more balance and more trust in my life.

 There are many habits I'd like to increase-- peaceful parenting, exercise, journaling, earlier bedtime... but I'm going to go easy on myself and just do what feels right each day.

I also hope to play more with my boys. 

It makes them so happy. 

And when I take the time to do it, it makes me so happy, too.  

Part of overcoming anxiety for me has meant staying in the moment. I am grateful I have these great boys to help me do that.  They continually pull me right back to the present.  Needing things, wanting attention and making me laugh.

They offer both great distraction and great comfort. 

Tomorrow Josh is hoping to go moose hunting, so I will get the boys all to myself.  I am hoping to play play-doh, write thank you notes for all our Christmas gifts, and read some Junie B to the twins.

It is finally my bedtime, so I am off to sleep.  

I pray tomorrow holds another good day for me.  

And that I get plenty of time with these little cherubs.