{Your Hands}

 Take a moment, and listen to this song.

It spoke to me.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
 

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

-

A fellow blogger posted this song on her page, along with an inspirational thought about letting God make the choices in our lives.  It totally hit home for me with where I am right now. The song is so light, and beautiful. And true. God is there. In our darkest times. He is there. He is faithful.

Today I may have sat on the couch when Josh took the boys to the park and bawled my eyes out.  I may have begged, out loud, with my cat looking at my like I was a crazy person, for the Lord to have His hand in our family. To lead us. To allow me to stay home with our boys. To spare me the heartache of leaving them in seven days. 

I may have cried until I was hiccuping, like a child. And then I might have had some ice cream with extra chocolate syrup on top to make myself feel better.

And that might have felt cathartic.

I might have felt a lot lighter after giving that to the Lord.

Just maybe.

-

And after my {possible} couch crying episode, I know for sure I read an article through which the Lord spoke to me. He has a way of doing that that never ceases to amaze me.  It was a Good Housekeeping article on Mariska Hargitay (who plays Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU). Every quote from her jumped off the page at me.

"Your realize when you become a mom that everyone you look at is someone's kid."

"I realize now that you have to show up for you life."

"The one rule we follow is: Always stick up for the other parent no matter what. And if you disagree, you talk it over in private, not in front of your child."

"I get jealous that other people get to take August to school and pick him up... I can't always be a part of that. You can't have everything."

"When you love your kid, there's a string that attaches you, and you are always connected even when you are doing other things."

And the most poetic & true:

"Religion has caused a lot of war, and also a lot of pain, and I don't think that's what God intended. I find faith to be a more private thing. For me, it's about my personal relationship with God. I think God has a plan, a big one. I try to live in gratitude and awe and to get to know Him better and pray that He helps guide me in the decisions I make."

Amen, Mariska, amen.

-

And again while blog-hopping (following blog to blog to blog) the Lord spoke to me. There was a quote on one blogs' side bar that read:  "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it."

I don't know if this is true, but if it is, then I have more control over things than I originally thought. It means that I may have to work, but I can choose (to some extent) how I feel about that. Last night I lay in bed repeating the mantra, "Let go & let God," so that I could stop thinking about leaving the boys and missing out on snuggles, laughs & memories while at work and fall asleep. I am, at moments, strong. And I am, at other times, not so strong. Leaving them (be it with their father or grandmothers) tears at my heartstrings. Breaks my very heart, really.  But when I read a quote like that, or come across a blog about loss, like Tuesday's, then I choke down that dose of reality and return to a place of gratitude.  Where I am thankful that Jack & Logan are both alive. Where I am thankful that my husband & I love each other. Where I am thankful to be well enough to work, to have a job, to provide for my family.

I can only pray that God will help me stay in this place of gratitude.

 Because next week, I will be leaving those bubs.

When my world is shaking

Heaven Stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

I never leave your hands

Jack & his new baby

My sister passed along some of her old baby dolls, which I planned on storing away for my "someday daughter". But when the boys saw what was in the box, there was no way I was going to get away with stowing them in the closet.  Jack in particular is loving the baby dolls. This one, named Elijah by Roxanne when she was little, is his favorite. He calls it Baby Isaiah, which I think is adorable.  He holds it, feeds it, pushes it around in his stroller & does "Pat-a-cake" with it. What a sweet daddy he will be.

Trikes

Jack

Logan

The boys are just amazing on their bikes that my mom got them for their second birthday.

They can pedal by themselves and they will ride forever. 

They love to go up and over bumps of any kind.

And at this park, they ride from one playground to another,

(which is really far away) without any help from Daddy.

They make me so proud!!!

grandma woo-woo & nepaw visit!

Logan, blowing bubbles with Nanny.

I was so proud. He could really do it!

Jack is so adorable. 

Look at that smile!

Both boys really enjoyed playing in Nanny's backyard.

Here Jack was showing off his mowing skills for Grandma Woo-Woo.

Ring Around the Rosies!!!

They LOVE to do this one.

Especially "All fall down!"

{my nephew ferris}

This kid just gets better every time I see him.

He just is so funny.

And I can always make him smile or laugh.

I just want to eat.him.up. 

Logan giving my mom's tree-lady a kiss.

The boys thought this was hilarious!

Great Grandma Woo-Woo

and Mr. Ferris Valentine

{I love this picture}

Jack, taking Otter Pops to the masses.

Such a good helper.

When Logan goes exploring in my mom's backyard, he hikes around with such purpose and calls the area back there "the woods".

Great Grandma Woo-Woo & Nepaw

holding Logan & Jack

 Grandma Woo-Woo, Logan & Nepaw

{I love this picture}

Grandma Woo-Woo, Jack & Nepaw

{and I love this picture, too}

{sister & nephew}

cute, cute, cuties

My Jack-Jack

Jack looks like such a big kid in this one.

It just kills me!

I just love seeing the joy on his face.

He's gotten to be quite shy lately,

so it's nice when he warms up, 

and can just have fun.

And boy oh boy, does this kid LOVE his Papa Barry!?!

Silly boy!

Overall, we had a great afternoon,

playing in the backyard,

catching up with "the greats",

and soaking up some of that late august sun!

Ferris is our Valentine!!!

{Jack holding Ferris}

{Sweet kisses from Jack}

 {Logan holding Ferris}

 {I love this one because you can see how happy Logan was.}

The boys have always loved Ferris, but now Ferris loves them just as much! It's so fun to see them interact with each other. We just love that squishy, happy baby!!!

he loves him some bubba

{logan & his giraffe bubba}

{kisses}

With how big these boys are getting, I mostly see toddler moments or big boy behavior. But every once in a while I get a glimpse of the baby I loved & squished for the last two years. Like the other day when I looked up and saw that Logan was riding the horse one-handed so he could hold his Bubba while he rode. Or when the boys wake up at night and ask, "Mommy, rock you?"  Another favorite is when they wake up from naps. They LOVE to be held & snuggle when they first wake up. And I love to oblige because they are all warm & cozy & sweet.  I try to make these moments last as long as possible. They fill my heart.

{I love you as much as you love your bubba, Bogey.}

an "egg"cident

A little background:

I was in the bathroom and could hear the boys slapping each other. I shouted for them to "make some eggs". This usually entails getting out some pots & pans and some of my cooking utensils.

I heard them getting into the pots & pans, and then I heard Logan say, "Oh, no. Mommy... hands! Oh no!"

So I ran into the kitchen and found that the boys had indeed followed my directions, and were making eggs.  Real eggs.  (Apparently they like ketchup with it, too.)  They had only broken two eggs, but Jack's legs & hands were covered in yoke. I promptly grabbed the camera, took some pictures, put the boys in timeout while I cleaned the floor and then got them into the bath tub.  I was upset, but I couldn't really get mad... They were just doing what Mommy said!

That afternoon we took a drive to Babies R Us and got a refrigerator lock.

And now when they try to open the fridge and can't, they say, "Only Daddy cooks eggs."

This one's for you, Papa Carl

We arrived at Josh's parents house and Carl's Harley was conveniently located in the front yard, 

so Logan helped himself & climbed aboard. 

Like {grand} father, like {grand} son.

2008 flashback

{Logan & Jack}

{Jack, Mommy & Logan}

These pictures were taken the first week I went back to work after giving birth to the boys. They were five months old, and I was heartbroken. Yet somehow, I persevered. I made the most of a crappy situation and for the last two years I have been making the best of things. If I could do it back then, maybe I can do it now. In two weeks.  When school starts.

Oh, Lord. Please don't make me leave these boys again.

Please.

take the lead

I can't decide what to do. 

 Let me back up... 

Yesterday I was on a bike ride with Josh & the boys.

Normally Josh takes the lead.  

Somehow it ended up that I was in the lead. 

And it made me incredibly uncomfortable. 

 Was I going too slow? 

Too fast? 

Do I speed through that yellow light?

Or stop? 

Should I turn here? 

Or at the next one? 

While these thoughts raced through my mind, it got me thinking about my life...  

Do I quit my job? 

Do I keep working? 

Do I make this choice? 

Or wait and make that one? 

Do I take a leap of faith or keep my head on straight for my childrens' sake? 

 Not only do I not want take the lead on our family bike rides, 

I don't want to take the lead in my own life. 

I want someone else whom I can follow. 

 I want someone else to take the lead, to make the choices, and to take the blame if all goes awry. 

 So I wait.

We wait.

For answers. For a job. For a decision.

Logan's Stream of Consciousness

If you ever wondered what a two year old boy thinks of as he falls asleep at night- here it is:

"Umm, Jack. Umm, Logan. Digger truck. Garbage truck. Umm, Chocolate milk. Fish. Umm... Truck this way. Digger. Truck. Diggerrrrr. Dump truck. Garbage truck. Digger truck. Dump truck.  Blake. Roxanne. Ferris. Umm, Orion. Gustav. Gustav's there. Go night-night."

Then he stood up & Josh went in to lay him back down.

These boys just keep cracking me up!

I especially love the "umm..."- so cute!

Ode to Daddy

Logan, Daddy & Jack

reading The Monster at the End of This Book

They absolutely adore this silly book.

(And their silly Daddy!)

This summer has been the summer of Daddy. For his birthday Josh asked for a bike & trailer so he could take the boys on bike rides.  He has watched the boys countless times so I could have some "me" time.  He has taken them on adventures to new parks, where they get to play basketball and practice riding their own bikes.

Today he took the boys so I could stay here and scrapbook in peace without little hands "helping".  I so appreciate the hands on father that he is, and love that (without asking) he knows when I need a break.

The boys & I are very lucky to have him in our lives.