January 12th

January 12th is the day of the big ultrasound.

We will find out whether the little one making me so nauseous all the time is a boy or a girl.  Most bets are on girl- I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking- and while I tend to agree & think it's a girl, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a boy. Or two.  Nothing would shock me at this point. (Except maybe triplets.)

So, now is the time to cast your vote.

 

Leave a comment and tell me whether you think baby Cunningham #3 will be a brother or sister for Jack & Logan.  While you're at it, you can guess as to when I'll have this little one, too.  I am technically due June 12th, and the boys will turn three on June 6th.  I gave birth to the boys at 37 weeks exactly.

Happy voting!

baby shakes & a few other things...

{Baby Shakes}

So tonight I was sitting here thinking about how I haven't posted in a few days, and what could I post about when... I felt the baby move. Yes, I know it's early. But when you have had a pregnancy already, that feeling is unquestionable. It was a little flutter kick from the baby.  I've been needing that.  I've been needing this baby to give me something to smile about, as the nausea is usually making me frown... or gag!

{Mold}

 Another thing that made me smile? They finished work on our house.  They pumped out all the water, checked for mold, re-caulked the bathroom and the boys are officially back in their own beds.

And although I am overjoyed to be sleeping in my bed again, I also kind of miss laying down with them as they fell asleep each night.  They're so cozy and sweet.  Whoever would lay next to me would occasionally reach his hand out to make sure I was still there, or to stroke my face.  Jack would trade me bubbas so he'd fall asleep hugging my {HUGE} teddy bear and I'd fall asleep hugging is {tiny} teddy bear. And no matter how far apart they started the night, by the time Josh and I would go in there to re-locate them into playpens, they would end up two peas in a pod, all snuggled in next to each other.

{Zoo Lights}

 This was our first year taking the boys' to zoo lights

at the Oregon Zoo.

 {Josh & Jack}

We got to ride the train...

 {Me & Logan}

and see all the beautiful sights.

It was a cold night, but the boys were super patient about waiting our turn in line for the train, and seemed to really enjoy the train ride.  We did the whole trip sans stroller, and it went beautifully. It's so exciting to me to be doing things that I have looked forward to for so long (like zoo trips without a stroller!)

 {Playdate}

 Today my friend Rachel (a friend from high school) had myself, my kids & our friend Jolene and her kids over for a play date.  The kids played really well together for the most part, (Logan really doesn't like to share and that makes it tough to play with  five other kids) and I know I had fun chatting with the girls about the joys of parenting.

{Dominic & Logan}

Dom is Jolene's two year old cutie, who is just as handsome as could be. His hair is the most beautiful red and I drove home having hair envy!

 This is Jolene's littlest one, Abigail.  She is just scrumptious and has the most adorable scowl I have ever seen on an 18 month old!

 Landon & Jack really hit it off and when we left, Jack said, "I love you, too!" to Landon.  It was so cute. And Rachel's littlest one, Cameron, got me excited for having my own little girl. She was so fun and loved hugging on all the other kiddos. 

and finally...

{Merry Christmas Eve!}

May your Christmas morning hold lots of magic!

Love, Jack & Logan

{more}

Life lately has been {more} than I can handle.

And people's generosity has been {more} than I could imagine.

I'll start with the "life" stuff. The house, as you all know, had standing water in the crawl space. The water has been pumped out, and some guys came today to clean the gutters & deal with some of the landscape issues. This afternoon a guy is coming to re-caulk the bathroom to keep the slugs out for good and I am hoping that later this week they will send someone to dry out and scrape off any remaining mold on the underside of the floorboards, granted there is no dry rot.  So some things have been done, but in the mean time, things around here have been somewhat miserable.  The boys are sick of sleeping in playpens, which offer no support for their little bodies, so last night they slept in our $2500 bed while Josh and I each took a couch in the living room.  It's funny the things you will do for your kids when you are a parent.  Then the actual logistics of trying not to use their bedroom for clothes storage or anything-- and the house is just a mess.  Last night the boys were asking to sleep in their room. Poor kids. They don't understand.  And they've been so patient, so resilient with all the illness and changes. We've really been lucky.  The good thing is that they are healthy, and Logan's throw up the  other day was just a handful of times and we've had nothing since.  Josh is also doing better, just tired from "sleeping" on the couch.  I, however, am awful. I am nauseous, I am tired (no, exhausted), I have had a horrible headache and I am overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks-- starting the laundry, unloading the dishwasher...  I was blaming my symptoms on the mold. These are common effects of mold exposure, and being sick & pregnant does make me more susceptible.  But Josh challenged me to read the side effects of the Amoxicillin I am taking for my sinus infection and sure enough, those are also the side effects of my prescription.  So I have not taken any today. I can't stand my head feeling so foggy. It's miserable.  Since skipping two doses, my head feels much better, thankfully.  On top of all of the crap- the house, my symptoms, my exhaustion, this pregnancy- now I have a yeast infection.  This is how I start my vacation???

Now for the good.  Despite how crummy I have been feeling physically, emotionally I have been feeling very blessed.  People around me have been astonishingly generous and for that, I am grateful.  It started with Santa's Elf, whom I blogged about already.

After that Josh's sister Laura came by with a Christmas Care package for us.  It included Peppermint tea (which has worked wonders to control my nausea) and other herbal teas; a Neti Pot (which my doctor had suggested I buy, but which I had decided not to spend the money on), homemade treats (yum!) and a humongous bag of Christmas M&M's.  The Neti Pot could have made me cry. How she knew to bring that to me- I don't know. God, is all I could think of.  And oh, did it work wonders. If you ever have a sinus infection- invest in a Neti Pot. Those things are miracle workers! I swear by it now!

Then I went to work and in my box was a letter from one of my very favorite co-workers, Lisa Miller, who is an identical twin herself, and who helped me with the boys when they were infants and I was alone each night while Josh was in class.  In her card she included one of her favorite prayers:

"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen."

-St. Francis of Assisi
 And inside was an incredible gift for our family.  Lisa, thank you for your support, your love, your prayers and your friendship. It has all meant so much to me.


Then that afternoon I opened a letter with no return address.  
Inside was a typed letter that read:
 "CUNNINGHAMS,
THE LORD IMPRESSED ME TO SEND THIS TO YOU. BUY SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR LITTLE ONES. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS."
Enclosed was a whole stack of Christmas money for our family to make this holiday special.  I cried. The generosity of complete strangers astounds me.  When my friends are thinking of us, or contributing to our family- that makes sense to me. They are my friends. They know me. I know them.  But when people I don't know follow the Lord's calling to give so generously to our family- it just amazes me. 

And then, the topper, was Friday at work. First, the librarian gave me a Fred Meyer gift card and when I thanked him he said that I do so much work around there, and don't get enough recognition.  It felt as good to be appreciated as it did for him to think of our family during the holidays.  Then Keri, one of our kindergarten teachers, brought my boys the most amazing monster truck race track for Christmas morning as their gift from Santa. They are going to love it! Then Ashley, the one-on-one staff assistant in our classroom brought in a gift for each of my boys- a board game and the most adorable Thomas the Tank Engine Bridge set.  They are just going to love that one! And finally I was in our classroom, cutting out story books for two of our students at the end of the day when a whole load of my coworkers (both staff assistants & teachers) came into our room singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas!"  They handed me a box and told me to open it.  Inside were multiple gift cards and more donations for our family.  I sobbed. Then I hugged each and every one of those ladies.  I am so lucky to work at a place where I am so very loved.

I really feel that the Christmas spirit of giving is alive in those around me.
And it's a beautiful thing.
I hope to see {more} of that
in the New Year.

{Secret Santa}

Today Santa's Elf sent us a surprise.

-----

But before I divulge the sweetness that envelope contained... let me give you some background on my day.  What a day.  I woke up with the same headache I had gone to bed with.  Unmistakable face pain that I knew meant a sinus infection. 5:30am, Jack & Logan are up and ready for breakfast. I can hardly sit upright, so Josh handled that and I called in sick to work. Yes, again... I managed to get myself dressed and drove to Urgency Care.  I was lucky to get right in, see a great doctor and get a Rx for said sinus infection.  The doctor recommended a Neti Pot, heat packs & lots of liquids along with the Rx.

I came home after that and took a nice, long shower. That helped some. Then I took a cozy two hour nap with the boys in our bed and after that Josh took them to his mom's to make gingerbread houses with their cousins.  He had gotten Logan out of the car, he was standing on the sidewalk, and Josh was unbuckling Jack when he heard Logan cough and turned around in time to see him vomit. Twice. No... We had flu shots. We had the flu! We should be done with this. Come on!

Josh immediately put the boys back in the car and drove home, where Logan threw up two more times and fell asleep on the couch.  That poor kid has been through more in the last three months... I know it could be worse, and I am grateful it's not, but it still breaks my heart. As he's puking in the bowl, he says between heaves, "It's yucky, mommy. I don't like it." Oh, I know, buddy. I know. Poor baby.

And on top of my being sick and Logan being sick, we found out yesterday that under our duplex, in the crawl space, there is about three inches of standing water. Hence the mold.  And so far, there is no game plan in place.  I don't know what they are going to do to fix it. Meanwhile, we are just in a holding pattern, alternating sleep between playpens, the couch & our bed. So there's that, kind of bubbling in the back of my mind, making me wonder if it's not why we've all been so sick.

-----

So tonight I was on the couch sitting next to Logan when I opened the mail. We've already had lots of Christmas letters- my favorite- and I love opening the mail.  One envelope was particularly thick and was the happiest shade of red.  I opened it excitedly and inside was a card that read "For a really special family" and was signed inside "Santa". 

And in that card was the most generous gesture, the most unexpected gift, the sweetest kindness I have been shown.  There were three gift cards. One for $25 to Sears for me to buy something for Josh; one for $25 to Barnes & Noble for Josh to buy me something; and one for $50 for us to buy gifts for Jack & Logan. I instantly started crying. The way that people have been reaching out to us, thinking of us, carrying us through these trying times, has just been overwhelming.  I feel so lucky. In spite of everything, I feel so blessed. 

And it's so amazing the gift cards they chose for Josh and I. If we could choose gift cards to any store, anywhere, in all of America, those are the two we would choose.  Josh loves tools- Hello Craftsman! And I love books- Hello Anita Shreve's newest release!

To whoever you are, Santa's Elf, thank you. Your thoughtfulness touched my heart, and has blessed my family. You have brought the magic back into our holiday season.  I will so enjoy picking out presents for the boys and my husband. Your gift will allow me to do so. That is priceless. I pray that God will bless you for the generosity you showed my family. 

Thank you, my friend, thank you.

{trust me}

Last Wednesday night I sat in the boys' hushed bedroom, rocking Logan who was so sick and feverish, sobbing quietly into his beautiful head of blonde hair, knowing I had already missed three days of work (...three days of pay) but also knowing my place was at home with him.  I prayed for direction.  And the answer I heard was, "Trust me." 

Simple.

Straightforward.

Then today as I was driving to work, I was feeling the need for some comfort music. The stuff you play that speaks to your soul, lets to take a deep breath, and quiets your raucous heart. Today it was JJ Heller's Painted Red album.  Particularly this song:

If my arms could reach around you
I would never move
If my eyes could see you
I’d have no faith to prove
The wonder of invisible love

This is how it has to be
With you and me
The wonder of invisible love

When I fall I feel your arms
Before I reach the ground
Lord, I know your whisper
Though I’ve never heard the sound
The wonder of invisible love

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 I did it. 

Last week. 

I stopped crying, dried my eyes and trusted Him.

And today He showed me.  He's got this.

I just gotta roll with it.

I showed up at work, expecting a nightmare. New staff to train, a weeks worth of work to make up for, back to the grind.  Much to my surprise, that's not how my Monday went down.  Everyone was so happy to see me. My friends were so supportive and sweet.  It felt good to be back.  One of our newer students jumped off his bus hollering, "Mrs. Cuddindham, where was you?  I missed you."  And Lisa D's replacement? My new sidekick? Love her. She is kind, great with the kids, a quick learner and so happy to be there with us. She's a breath of fresh air.

{trust me}

 After work I stayed at my mom's since the workers were supposed to come look at the mold (they actually rescheduled for tomorrow) and let her take care of me.  She made us pancakes, french toast & eggs for us for dinner. Then she bathed the boys for me.  Dad rubbed my back and listened to how my day was.  It felt good to be in my parents house, in their hands.

{trust me}

When I arrived home, Josh was overjoyed to see his boys.  We read a story in our big cozy bed, sang Sunshine to our sweet, snuggly boys, shared lots of hugs & kisses, and then I lay with them as they began to doze off.

{trust me}

And when I opened the mail today... Oh, grandma. She... She is just the most amazing blessing to me. She can listen and tell you to buck up, all in the same moment. She can let you cry on her shoulder, and somehow you walk away feeling stronger. For every story, every heartbreak I have experienced, she has ten. Her knowledge, her belief that it will work out, her {trust}, is inspiring.  She sent us a check.  And in the "for" section, she wrote: Crap Happens. Amen, grandma, amen.

{trust me}

And when I thought my Monday couldn't get any better, I got online, and came across the most hilarious (albeit stupid) video. I laughed harder than I have laughed in months, and it felt so good.  Sometimes a girl just needs a good giggle.  Here it is, if you wanna check it out:

Patty-Cake Cats

{Thanks Patrice, I needed that.}

And then Josh and I were watching my new favorite show "Sing Off" and my favorite group, On The Rocks, performed "Pour Some Sugar On Me", and it was just the most fun, entertaining three minutes. Loved it. You gotta watch it. You'll love it.

Trust me!

On The Rocks

what is right

 "And let us not get tired of doing what is right, 

for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing 

if we don't get discouraged and give up."

-Galatians 6:9

 I came across that scripture this weekend as I was thinking about where I'm at in life and it was a much needed reminder. I am doing God's work. In being a faithful and supportive wife to Josh; in being a loving and patient mother to Jack & Logan; in being a teacher to my students at school.  In all these ways (and more) I am doing work that will have long term benefits if I take the time to do things right.

 So after we all got sick, and both boys were diagnosed with double ear infections, I discovered (via my new, sensitive, pregnancy nose) that there is a mold issue in the boys' bedroom.  So until that issue is resolved (people are coming out Monday to take a look) we have been camping out.  We've been napping (the three of us) on our bed in the bedroom, and sleeping (the three of us) on the couch & in playpens at night time.  While this has proved challenging, I know I am doing the right thing in protecting the boys as much as I can from the mold in their room until it is remedied.

And actually, it has made for some really nice moments.  Laying down to take a nap with them on Saturday afternoon was such a luxury.  To lay, snuggled on our down comforter, bubbas & blankets all around us, was so peaceful and beautiful.  It has allowed me to slow down.  We read a few books before we all fell asleep and slumbered nearly two hours together.  And tonight after I read to them I told them (with lights out) that I would sing Sunshine to them.  Normally we do Sunshine twice.  Josh does it with Logan, and me with Jack, and then we switch. But while putting them to sleep in our room, I've been doing the reading and such on my own.  I thought they would enjoy Sunshine as we skipped it last night, but instead Jack had a special request.  He said quietly, "I love you forever."  I replied, "I love you, too, buddy.  You ready for Sunshine?" and he said, "No. I love you forever, mommy, you sing it?"

Then I got it.

You know the book Love You Forever? The tear jerker that never leaves a dry eye? The one by Robert Munsch where the Mommy sneaks into the boys' room at night and rocks him slowly back & forth, back & forth, back & forth? Well, lately that book has been a favorite (I think because the little boy flushes the Mommy's watch down the toilet...) and when I read it, I have a little melody that I sing to go with the words she sings to her son.

"I'll love you forever...

I'll like you for always...

As long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be."

And Jack wanted me to sing it to him. And so we lay, three bugs in a rug (Jack::Logan::Mommy) and I sang, over & over "I Love You Forever" just like Jack wanted, with my arm draped over both my boys.

I could have melted into a happy little love puddle.

It felt so good...

doing what is right.

A Date with Jack

 Today I took Jack on a date. With Logan being so sick (his fever just broke today- after five days) he's been getting all the attention, and Jack's been feeling quite left out.  So I took him to Costco to pick up our Christmas cards (which are adorable) and on a few other errands.

 With only $11.00 in my pocket, we went to the mall after Costco and I took Jack on a carousel ride and a train ride. (Only $2.00 each!) He was so excited. The look on his face was priceless. It made me completely forget all my troubles. The fact that a simple train ride lit his face up like it did brought me such joy.

After that we got a soft pretzel & water for a treat.  He loved walking like a big boy through the mall, pointing out all the "Sristmas" decorations he could see.  

We also went to Hallmark where I had a $5.00 off coupon.  I let Jack pick out all the stickers he wanted. He got Thomas the Train, Toy Story, Cars & Nemo stickers. We only had to pay about $2.00 out of pocket, and Jack paid the lady, handing her quarter after quarter saying, "Here you go. Here you go. Here you go." God bless the lady for being so patient.  Then, as we walked through the mall, he held his Hallmark bag so proudly.

 After we left the mall we headed to Craft Warehouse to pick up some craft supplies for some homemade Christmas gifts we'll be making. Jack was super excited to buy the supplies.  When we got there we called Josh to let him know we were almost done shopping, and we let the boys talk to each other.  Jack knew Logan was sad we were gone without him, so he said, "I'll be home, buddy. Okay?"  He's such a tender heart.

He was just so happy to walk, hand in hand, and take in all the sights & sounds of the holiday season.  And so was I.

Our Sristmas Tree

 The boys were very excited to get our own Christmas Tree (or Sristmas Tree, as they say) since my mom has had hers up for a while and they LOVE it!  Unfortunately our plans for decorating it were postponed by Jack's Emergency Room visit last weekend, so our tree lay on our walkway until Monday night. Then it sat, undecorated in this corner, until Tuesday night when I was able to rally enough to decorate it. The boys kept asking for me to "turn it on!" before we had decorated. I had to explain it doesn't grow with lights... Mommy & Daddy have to string them on.

Their favorite ornaments are:

Skateboarding Bart Simpson

&

one we have from A Christmas Story of Ralphie trying on his pink rabbit pajamas. You can push this one and it says several different quotes from the movie.
The boys ask every morning for me to turn the tree on and when we are driving they look around, searching for Sristmas lights on the houses.  It's so adorable.

I was happy to have our box of Christmas decorations since this year we are unable to do any shopping.  At least I can use what we have to make the house look festive and cheerful, even if we can't spoil our loved ones like I'd like to!

sick... again

The boys are exactly two & a half today. 

They've been in my life 30 months.

And if you're wondering-

Yes, they are two year olds.

And true to form, there are tantrums.

Oh and today did we have tantrums. 

Logan was probably in timeout over 20 times today.

And that was probably half as many times as he deserved.

But none of us are feeling well, so I tried to cut him some slack.

We are all sick... again.

It started last Tuesday with Jack.

He had pink eye.

Two days later, Logan had pink eye.

Then there was the typical runny noses,

coughs, fevers & crabbiness.

Then on Saturday we went to get our Christmas tree,

and when Josh got home from visiting his mom

with the boys, we noticed Jack had a rash.

It was all over his torso & face.

It was moving around, and so itchy.

He was miserable,

and I was freaking out.

So we headed to the ER.

Turns out he has a double ear infection 

{the worst one the doctor had ever seen}

and a virus causing high fever & rash.

He was terrified (terrified!) of the nurses & doctor,

and I (his mother!) forgot.to.bring.his.bubba.

That's right. 

I packed TWO bubbas for Logan who stayed with my mom, 

but forgot to pack one for the kid who was going to the EMERGENCY ROOM.

The doctor gave Jack Tylenol, Motrin, Benadryl & Amoxicillin.

And I gave myself the "Worst Mom Ever" Award.

I had thought he had an ear infection last week,

but since he had just been in to see the doctor on Tuesday,

I assumed I was wrong.

Never doubt your Mommy Intuition.

Ever.

That's, like, Rule Number One!

 So Sunday I felt like Logan & I should be seen.

Off to Urgency Care.

We got lucky, and there was no wait.

Unfortunately, there was also no diagnosis.

No ear infections, and no strep.

The doctor just said it'd be about five to seven days until we get better.

That's an eternity!!!

We have been sick at least once a month since school started,

and I am done.

I am ready to get out of my first trimester,

get done with this nausea,

and stop being sick!

And this whole "entire family's sick" thing,

it's awful!

If I was well, or the boys were well (and sleeping)

then maybe I could cope.

But with all of us miserable,

it's ugly.

Today has been a blur of pushing liquids, giving Tylenol & Motrin doses on an alternating schedule to keep the fevers under control, doing eye drops, remembering Amoxicillin, and checking torsos for the rash, which continues to come & go and requires Benadryl to keep the boys from scratching.

There were three sunshiny parts to my day today:

1. My sister posted an inspirational song for me

on her blog...

{thanks, sistah! i love you}

2. Juli Adelman {biggest sweetheart ever!}

dropped off dinner including pizza, a salad, a gift card

and a chocolate pudding pie

with {homemade} crust.

I will neither confirm nor deny eating 

half of it after the boys fell asleep...

3. Then as I was putting away clothes in my room,

Jack was in the hallway with Sukie.

She was meowing and he said to her,
"Sukie, what you mowwin' about?"

So adorable.

And I'm thankful for those.

Christmas Tree Hunting

{Logan & Jack}

 This year we headed back to Thornton's Treeland to get our Christmas tree. They have a petting zoo, a barn the kids thought was really cool, a hay ride and all kinds of trees to choose from.  We love it!

 Logan especially loved the bunnies this year. He recently got a Fur Real pet bunny from my mom (it sleeps, wakes up, and sniffs around- it's adorable) so he was super happy to see the real rabbits.

 {Logan}

The boys' adorable hats are a super find from Grandma Carol.

We love them!

 The boys enjoyed feeding the goats hay.

 {Jack}

My mom already has her tree up and decorated, so the boys were super excited to get our own tree and put lights up on it.

 {Logan, Daddy & Jack}

We were lucky with the weather. Clear skies and just a bit of wind.  And this year the boys got to traipse along like big boys- no backpacks & no strollers.  It was awesome!

 {Jack, Mommy & Logan}

Say, "Cheese!"

The hay ride was completely uneventful, but the boys loved every second anyway.

 -

Unfortunately, our camera batteries died before we could snap a picture of our tree, so you will have to wait until we have it up & decorated to see it. :)

hope and a good future?

 I can't believe how little I have been blogging lately. 

There are a few things to blame for this: 

One is this pregnancy. I am nauseous all the time. It's 24/7 nausea and it's miserable.  I am a little over 12 weeks now and I was hoping I would wake up last Sunday and voila! The nausea would be gone... No such luck.  Instead it is lingering. I never throw up. I don't really believe in throwing up.  But the nausea is enough to keep me feeling pretty low.

And also, I am exhausted. I am so tired, but can never sleep due to back pain and two sleepless toddlers.  My lower back aches all day, everyday.  I'm not sure what the deal is, but it's quite miserable.  And our boys, well, they are waking up in the night again, trying to be 'up for the day' at 3:30am, and are fighting falling asleep at bedtime. Tonight Logan took an hour a half to fall asleep. How am I supposed to get everything done when he's not asleep until 8:30pm and one or the other of them is up before 4:00am?

Another is my stress level. Things around here are just... Well... there are no words. Tiresome, I guess. We both feel like we are living Groundhogs Day over & over again.  We wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed, just to wake up and do it all over again the next day. We're completely broke, feeling depressed, and having a bit of a pity party lately. I guess we both just thought that at this point, Josh would have a full time job, a classroom all his own, and I would be home, taking care of our boys myself. We thought, naively, that all our dreams would come true.

And on top of all that, things at work have been super stressful. First Lisa D. left, then we had two long-term subs, and finally another coworker took the position and I was super excited to work with her. Turned out the classroom did not suit her, and she ended up going back to her old position, which means I am back to having a sub, (who is awesome!) but which means at some point I am going to have a new hire to train. Ugh. And on top of all that, our classroom teacher is out for three weeks, so I am basically in charge at work, and this is so not what I need work to be right now. I need work to be simple.  And I need work to stay at work. But instead I am stressing about it (all the time) and can't get it (and a lot of other things) off my mind.

~

I have cried everyday for the last four days. 

I just want to be at home. I want to be the one feeding the boys lunch, laying them down for naps, and snuggling them as they wake up. I want to be the one reading to them, taking them on adventures and kissing their boo-boo's. Is this too much to ask? I've been doing this whole working-mom thing for nearly three years now. I'm done. I need to be done.  I start to feel claustrophobic. Like I'm stuck in this situation that I can't get out of. I'm like Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs, stuck in some three feet by three feet crevice while cleaning the mechanic parts of a windmill, and wishing I was anywhere but here.

~

After having all these thoughts go through my head... the reasons I have for my fabulous pity-party, I stop. I take stock of my life.  And God, in His infinite wisdom, gives me a little perspective. And in His grace, forgives me for forgetting.

I am blessed.

I am able to work.

I am able to bring home a paycheck.

Together, Josh and I are able to pay the bills.

Maybe we can't buy all we want, but so far we have been able to purchase all that we need.

My children are healthy.

My marriage is healthy.

I am, in the big scheme of things, one lucky girl.

But it's hard not to long for more.

It's hard not to ache, daily, for more time with those boys.

It's hard not to want Josh's hard work to pay off.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a good future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, help me remember that in these seemingly dark days.