Catching... up with an old friend with a phone call. It was so good to talk to her. About growing babies. About being needed in a different, somehow worse way as our children age. About our parents, our spouses, our lives.
Using... Sunday to organize crafts, clean house and make sourdough.
Reading... my old journals and feeling sick reading about Logan's seizures and about how Wyatt would wander around at recess during kindergarten and when asked why he didn't play he replied in a near whisper, "I just miss you." Even now, nearly a decade later, reading those words made my stomach drop. I felt a visceral need to hug Wyatt. But not "now" Wyatt. "Then" Wyatt. To scoop him up and bring him home and say nevermind to school. Parenting will never not break my heart.
Watching... The Crown with Josh and holding my breath for when Princess Diana dies. I know it happens this season, but I am still hoping it won't. Isn't television funny that way? As if by her not dying in the show, maybe she'll still be alive for William and Harry in real life.
Subbing... in fourth grade and feeling nervous. Josh teaches fourth grade. He is amazing at it, while I am normally more comfortable with younger students. But it was great. The kids in the class are amazing and fun and I subbed for many of them when they were in younger grades. I'm glad it went well because I am in there most of next week as well.
Handing... out advice for two of the teens in my life to whom I am a mom, but also, not their mom. When I receive texts from them, my heart swells. It feels so good to know that they know I am here for them. Handing out advice about maturity and mental health and reminding them how awesome they already are. Everyone needs at least one person in their life who is their forever cheerleader, lighting up when they enter the room and believing in them no matter how they might fuck up.
Playing... dolls with Carly. Specifically American girl dolls. And having so much fun. We got ready for the day and then met at school, our dolls calling each other to chat about how they were getting to school. Carly's doll was roller skating; mine riding the bus.
Loving... on my husband. He is just the best. Best dad. Best worker. Best listener. Even when I know that he couldn't care less what I'm prattling on about, he listens, engaged, and offers feedback.
Feeling... so tired on Tuesday, responding to texts from Logan about how his fingers, toes and face are tingly. It's side effects from the medication he is on to a) reduce his migraines and b) help him sleep. Eventually the tingliness goes away. It just takes time and is incredibly annoying in the meantime.
Encouraging... Carly during testing this week. She is a slow tester. Just like Wyatt before her. And she is smart. So as she tests, getting answers correct, the test gets incrementally harder. It's tough. And her eyes get so tired from staring at a screen. Bless her heart.
Sending... Logan to get groceries with Josh, much to his delight. I was going to go with him, but he begged me to let Josh go instead. Josh volunteered as well, and somehow I got out of the task. #blessed Hah! Logan says that I am too slow of a shopper. He wants to be in and out, and him and Josh have grocery shopping down to a science at this point. He and Jack also complain how my purse takes up the space in the child seat part of the cart and they hate it because then they can't put gallons of milk or stacks of bread there.
Celebrating... that Wyatt came home saying that he can feel his meds in ELA (English Language Arts) in the mornings. He had to write a paragraph response essay and he said it was SO easy. He's certainly never said that before. I am so grateful that we were able to get his diagnosis and get him on meds. I love that it's already feeling impactful.
Loving... these words Kelle Hampton shared.
"We are important and our lives are important, magnificent really, and their details are worthy to be recorded. This is how writers must think, this is how we must sit down with pen in hand. We are here; we are human beings; this is how we lived. Let it be known, the earth passed before us. Our details are important. Otherwise, if they are not, we can drop a bomb and it doesn't matter... Recording the details of our lives in a stance against bombs with their mass ability to kill, against too much speed and efficiency. A writer must say yes to life, to all of life: the water glasses, the Kemp's half-and-half, the ketchup on the counter. It is not a writer's task to say, "It is dumb to live in a small town or to eat in a cafe when you can eat macrobiotic at home." Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our lives as they exist - the real truth of who we are: several pounds overweight, the gray, cold street outside, the Christmas tinsel in the showcase, the Jewish writer in the orange booth across from her blond friend who has black children. We must become writers who accept things as they are, come to love the details, and step forward with a yes on our lips so there can be no more noes in the world, noes that invalidate life and stop these details from continuing."
-Natalie Goldberg
Taking... Carly to her first ADHD meeting with a behavioral health counselor, Heather, whom all my boys also started with. There we talked about her ADHD symptoms and got paperwork for both myself and her school teacher to fill out. I am not holding my breath that this will be enough to diagnose her as it wasn't enough for the boys, and Carly doesn't display a lot of symptoms at school. But it's a start.
Heading... from Carly's ADHD appointment to her school to drop her off and then back to the clinic where I had a tooth cleaning, and then to Jack's final ADHD appointment with Ashley, the psychiatrist to IQ tested him. We discussed his results, and based on those, Ashley determined that Jack does not have ADHD. I was a little surprised to hear this, but upon discussing his testing, her determination made sense.
Proud... of Carly for being so damn determined at learning to roller skate. I don't know that I have stuck with anything the way she has stuck with roller skating. She falls every time, and every time she falls, she gets back up. This girls' resilience is inspiring to watch, let me tell you. It has helped that her neighbor friend Addie is also learning, so they like to get together and practice. Having a friend always helps.
Laughing... when I asked Carly why "The Chocolate Touch" was on the back patio, and she told me that as she let her cousin Romy borrow her skates and skate around the table, she read it out loud to her. This girl just cracks me up.
Dealing... with winter static that is wild! I can hear it crackle when the cats lay on my blankets, and when I'm tucking Carly into her blankets in the dark, I can see it! And I never fail to get shocked when I turn on the electric fireplace to warm it up downstairs.
Trying... desperately not to feel hopeless as Trump pulls back aid from USAID, puts RFK in charge of the nations' health, and he (RFK) tells people not to get vaccines. It all just feels really surreal and like I'm living in some dystopian novel, waiting for a young teenage girl to decide to save us. Where are you Katniss?
Impressed... with the rose Jack welded/made at the land with scraps and random pieces of metal. He's amazing!
Researching... epigentics and trauma. I am reading, albeit very slowly, It Didn't Start With You, and I am continually blown away by how my grandmother's trauma informs my responses in my own life.
Swooning... for my son's girlfriend when he asked her to be his Valentine. My teenagers dating is stressful at times, sure, but seeing them be good boyfriends is so satisfying. Like, maybe they're turning out alright after all.
Grateful... that my pets bring me so much joy. When life is stressful and parenting is hard and not a lot is in my control, being able to love on my pets brings my cortisol levels down and just makes me laugh and smile a lot more than I would without them.
Listening... to The Night War for book club and enjoying it so much. I am always surprised, although I shouldn't be, at how much I enjoy middle grade reads. Highly recommend.
Boycotting... Amazon, Walmart, Target, Lowe's and Coca Cola for rolling back their Diversity, Equity and Inclusion programs. Those programs exist to help with systemic racism that exists in our country, and I don't want to support businesses that want to act like it doesn't exist. I will be shopping and spending our hard earned money at Winco, Rite Aid, Safeway, Dollar Tree and Costco instead.
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| Inspiration! |
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