Looking Inward

I have been feeling really overwhelmed and sad lately.  Everywhere I look is bad news and heartache.  We recently had fraudulent charges in our bank account, which lead me to discover our bank has been doing some bad business elsewhere.  And other than switching banks, there's nothing I can do to stop it.  We watched some of the presidential debate and read a lot (too much) on Facebook following it.  And other than voting and saying a prayer, there's nothing I can do to change it.  Everything around me feels big and outside my control.  What good can I do? What impact can I have?

At an appointment today I saw a little boy, maybe four years old, being pushed along by his mother who was yelling at him through his tears that he couldn't visit the doctor because they didn't have their insurance card.  He was upset, she was upset, yet they weren't able to turn to one another in their frustration.  I wanted to swoop in and tell them it would be okay.  I wanted to find the insurance card, hug the mama, who it seemed was upset about more than just the missed appointment, and console the boy whose tears ran desperately down his powerless cheeks.

The feeling reminded me of a day back in August when I witnessed something similar.  I was sitting in a sterile waiting room, patiently counting the minutes until my turn, when I saw a little girl, maybe 8, burst into hysterical tears, screaming, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" obviously elated to see her father, unexpectedly, in this place.  Within seconds it was clear that she was not going to be allowed to visit or stay with her dad, and she was pulled, agonizingly, away from him by her mother.

I sat on the fake leather chairs, letting the tears slip from my eyes, hot & slick, with no shame. I had, in those moments, witnessed a heart breaking into a hundred pieces, and it deserved my rawest emotions.  Again, I felt pulled to do something, but found nothing fitting or helpful to do.

I was talking to Josh about these feelings last night and he said, "Babe, I think you gotta look more inward."  I knew exactly what he meant. We could all walk around witnessing the "bigger than us" problems in the world and end our days feeling useless and frustrated.  Or we can choose to look at what we can do to make things better around us.

This quote by Mother Theresa sprang immediately to mind when Josh said I needed to look inward.  I may not be able to take on corporate banking or the presidential candidates, but I can love my kids better.  I can be more patient, offer a kind word and make my home a refuge for them.  I can make my marriage a priority alongside family dinners and bedtime stories.  They may seem small things, but if I raise my kids up right, maybe, just maybe, they'll grow up and take on some of these battles I'm not equipped to face.

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100 small things-- September check in

My friends Ashley & Tabitha have long been doing 100 small things lists for each school year.  I finally decided to join them this year. I think the timing is perfect as I will have more time on my hands than ever with my three big boys all attending public school this year.

Here is my second month check in.

I am astonished at how many I crossed off the list!

(September's accomplishments are crossed off in red)

1. Plant a succulent
2. Make a dirt pit for the kids
3. Clean the windows inside & out
4. Read Brave New World
5. Read Lord of the Flies
6. Blog Weekly Update
7. Register to vote
8. Get WA state license
9. Make pumpkin muffins
10. Make a cobbler
11. Get a vanity for me (I changed my mind!)
12. Buy a desk for the boys (I changed my mind!)
13. Blog twins: separate classrooms
14. Finish reading One and the Same
15. Jamberry my nails
16. Meal plan weekly
17. Buy wool balls for dryer
18. Choose one "grooming" day/week
19. Haircuts every 6 weeks all year 1/4
20. Small group get together
21. Order Home Field. Read it
22. Read When Breath Becomes Air
23. Read What Was Mine
24. Read Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
25.. Read Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
26. Read Bird by Bird (working on this one!)
27. Read Boys Should be Boys

28. Read The Rocks
29. Read Flight Behavior
30. Read The Shack
31. Read Brain Rules
32. Read Tuesdays with Morrie
33. Read Snow Falling on Cedars
34. Find a doctor
35. Find a pediatrician
36. Find a pediatric dentist
37. Find a chiropractor
38. Follow up with an OB
39. Learn to coupon
40. Meditate everyday for a week
41. Wash kitchen cabinets
42. Read Believing God
43. Read Mindsight
44. Read Don't Let Me Go
45. Read Deception Point
46. Read Iron & Silk
47. Purchase & read Winter Storms
48. Find a dentist for us
49. Read Dave Ramsey's book
50. Find an eye doctor
51. Choose a pharmacy
52. Find a way to display my rock collection
53. Paint the whole house interior 3/5

54. 3 playdates with new friends 2/3
55. Find a Hanford documentary
56. Go over insurance with new insurance lady
57. Workout everyday for a month
58. Walk the boys to/from school
59. Have Paul & Lynn over for dinner
60. Plant a lilac bush
61. Find a used BBQ
62. Sort Holiday decor into totes
63. Don't eat out for 1 month
64. Arrange "Tucker Family" sleepover
65. Establish family move night
66. Establish date night
67. Read Kon Mari. Clean house accordingly.
68. Read aloud chapter books
69. Make 3 pinterest dinners
70. Plant pansies
71. Make carrot cake from scratch
72. Decorate for Christmas
73. Make a book for Pansy/Jerry's birthdays
74. Write a poem about motherhood
75. Write a poem about twins
76. Write a poem about Logan
77. Write a poem about Jack
78. Write a poem about Wyatt
79. Write a poem about Carly
80. Take a pajama walk after dinner

81. Meal plan monthly
82. Collect Box Tops for school
83. Save toilet paper rolls/paper towel rolls
84. Attend MOPS group
85. Try 3 new parks with the boys 1/3
86. Read old journals
87. Share bits of old journals on social media
88. Decorate master bedroom
89. Deep clean master suite
90. Put contact paper in laundry room
91. Spider bomb the house
92. Establish Quiet Time activities
93. Organize kids craft supplies
94. Make blog calendar (monthly) 3/12

95. Have a trampoline sleepover with boys
96. Volunteer in boys' classrooms
97. Buy outdoor chairs
98. Read old writing (from jr. high/high school)
99. Make m&m cookies
100. Make a cake from scratch

Reading through my list, I was surprised at how much I accomplished in September.  I gave all the guys a haircut (even Josh) saving us at least $80.  I followed up with an OB to check my IUD and was relieved when all is well.  We painted, I had playdates and I met with our new insurance lady to make sure our coverage is all set.  We planted lilacs I received as a gift from my Aunt Barbara and my parents brought up for us when they visited.  I am beyond excited for our yard to have lilacs. They are my favorite plant (always have been) and I can't wait to bring the first bunch into the house!  We also planted pansies in the yard, and were surprise-gifted a BBQ from my parents.  The boys are so excited to fire it up and have some hot dogs & burgers later this week.

We've been collecting Box Tops, and Jack's class won pizza with the principal this month! Lucky kid! We've also been collecting toilet paper rolls and organizing our crafts now that the office/laundry room is set up.  I joined our local MOPS and have attended a few meetings.  I love the ladies there and how inspired I feel as I leave each time.  I spent some time working on our master, decorating our room and deep cleaning the bathroom.  

I'm still not in a consistent blogging groove, but I am trying to blog more often, even if they are short & sweet, and if nothing else, I am making sure that I do my weekly update (Around Here) post every Friday.  

Now on to October's small things!

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The Tuckers Visit The Cunningham Ranch

My sister's family came to visit the last weekend in August, and it was so much fun! The boys were overjoyed to be reunited and had such a great time playing outside in the back yard and on the trampoline and swimming together at the water park.  The grown ups had fun watching Rugged Justice after the kids were in bed, and sipping coffee while the kids played outside each morning. My sister and I enjoyed trading babies and my boys LOVED on their sweet little baby cousin. All in all, it was a great trip and left me feeling grateful, yet again, that we're within driving distance of family!!!

A Family Wedding

Back in May my cousin Alix got married.  She asked Josh to photograph her big day and what a beautiful day it was.  I was eleven when Alix was born, and I loved her from the first moment I laid eyes on her.  I loved to hold her and play with her, make her laugh and giggle.  As she grew up, we stayed close.  Now we love to get together with our sisters and moms whenever we're all in town together.  Watching her get married felt surreal.  How was this baby I'd known from her first day on earth getting married already?!? Time is funny that way.

Seeing her get married had me thinking about my own wedding and the marriage that has followed it. Josh and I talk about it a lot. Are we just lucky? Was it good timing to meet while we were still so young and flexible in our ways?  We certainly are blessed to have both sets of parents still married and our grandparents as well.  I am usually a black & white thinker. All or nothing. Full or empty. But in this case, I think that our marriage lasting 13 years (and us still being happy!) is due to quite a few factors.  

One is what I already said, the examples laid out before us. Another is definitely (in my opinion) dating from a young age. We weren't set in our ways at 16 & 17.  We have been able to grow together and adapt.  Another is hard work. We work to put our marriage first, celebrating date night every week after the kids are in bed, talking and texting throughout the work week and making sure we're on the same page with everything from projects to parenthood.  Another is that we are selfless.  That is a bold statement to make, I know, but I see it everyday.  Josh makes sure that my needs are met before his, and I work to make sure his needs are met above mine.  It's in the little things-- me waking up to make his lunch every morning before he goes to work.  Him making the bed after his shower or folding the basket of laundry he sees sitting on the living room floor.  We are constantly thinking of the other instead of ourselves and that makes the little annoying things we do to each other a lot more tolerable.  Lastly, we laugh. Oh do we laugh.  I never knew how important laughter would be until I met Josh and we hit some hard times.  We always say, "If you don't laugh, you'll cry" and it is so true.

At our wedding, I had known little heartache.  I was beautifully naive and optimistic.  Since our wedding, I have experienced some loss.  Our marriage has taken a few hits--namely, Logan, Jack, Wyatt & Carly ;) and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it hasn't been easy.  Parenting together is hard.  Making financial decisions together is hard.  Adulting is hard. But there isn't anyone I'd rather work hard alongside than him.

I hope that as my sweet cousin and her husband grow old together, they feel the same way.  Facing life down, working hard together and laughing all the way.

***

Around Here: Week 40

Stressing... about Carly's teething. She bit her little bottom teeth into her upper gums last night and was bleeding!  She's so clingy and grumpy... I want my happy girl back!  Hopefully these top teeth come in quick so we can get back to normal.

Sleeping... with a baby in my arms.  Whether in our bed or on the couch, sister and I spending a lot of quality time together at night with her teething. I'm lucky if I get a two hour stretch with her in her bed.  Thank goodness for my morning coffee!

Trying... to get Carly to fall in love with her bunny lovey.  We have it with us every time we nurse and she strokes the tags as she falls asleep. I am hopeful she loves it as much as the twins loved their loveys.

Transitioning... Carly from three naps to two naps.  It's meant the return of the witching hour (or hours, ugh, from about 4-7pm), which sucks, but I am anxious to get her on a better schedule.  With three naps, they were kind of all over the place. With two, they are much more predictable.  In the morning, on the walk home, she's napping in her stroller and I roll her into the house and into my bedroom and she sleeps at least another hour!  And after lunch time she sleeps another hour or so.  I've had to wake her up a few times now cause our appointments had been scheduled around her old schedule, and I hate it, but I'm adjusting from here on out.

Spending time... in the office (!!!) journaling, planning fall book club books & reading old journals for fun.  I love the light in there and how organized it is now. It's my new happy place!

Reading... My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry by Fredrik Backman.  I'm excited to see where this story goes!

Eating... Reese's smores from the oven.  Set the stove to broil, stack the peanut butter cup on a graham cracker with a marshmallow on top and leave it in there for two minutes.  Voila! Instant family dessert. So easy!

Enjoying... the big sky around here.  I love it so much.

Splurging... on an ambulance toy for Wyatt and finding it all over the house in places where he's played.  The back doors open, and he has put all kinds of treasures back there.  I love his little imagination so much.

Wondering... when Carly is going to start crawling.  She's rolling all around lately, getting to her toys that way.  But I know crawling is coming soon.

Filling... my new hutch (thanks mom & Roxanne!) with all my pretties.  Vases and serving plates & candle holders, all so fanciful in there!  I love it.

Feeling... touched when people take the time to comment on Carly & her adorableness.  Of course I think she's precious, but I'm her mom. So to hear others comment on her eyes or sweet face warms my heart.

Laughing at... Carly falling asleep in her high chair and hearing what the boys had to say about it.  Jack thought she was just precious, and Wyatt couldn't understand how she was doing that!

Making... tortillas to use for our enchiladas Wednesday night. I haven't made tortillas since we lived in Alaska, and it was surprisingly nice to make them.  They made the most amazing enchiladas and are absolutely delicious!

Planning... meals so I feel like a good mama & wife.  We had tacos on Monday and french toast with omelets Tuesday.  I love when I know what we're doing for dinner and I love even more when the kids all eat it without complaint!

Relishing... the fall weather that arrived here with no rain in sight.  It's cool & crisp with clear blue skies, and nary a drop of rain.  We are still walking to and from school each day, and the boys are playing out in the backyard every afternoon.  It's the stuff of my dreams, I tell you!

Decorating... for Halloween.  The boys were so happy to come home to decorations and their Halloween books on the shelf.  Wyatt spent that whole afternoon on the living room floor, sifting through pumpkin books, happy as a clam.

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Favorite Things

A few of my favorite things...

Birch trees, always & in all forms

The teenage boy who took the time to say, "Your baby is beautiful," as we passed on the sidewalk

A lone feather in the grass

Frost-covered wishies

Leaves lining the walk

A friend over for chatting & her baby loving on mine

Stacks of books on my shelf, yet to read

Little teeth grins from my Carly May

Homemade tortillas

My first sip of coffee every morning

When my bigs snuggle me

I'm collecting these moment like sea glass.  Picking each one up to inspect it, feeling like the universe appointed me especially as the one to find it.  It makes me want to be the one to say the kind word, offer the smile, reach out to those around me.

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