In my body

 In my body I can feel the summer turning to fall.  

The slightest crisp feel to the mornings, a chillier temperature in the evenings. 

I feel like I am elastic.  Stretching. Hanging on to every shred of summer, not wanting it to go, not wanting the seasons to change and for time to march on.  I wish to keep the heat, the way it surrounds and holds me, making me feel  warm and loved.  To keep the bright blue days spent in our pool, the lazy mornings spent eating bowls of cereal and shouting during Fortnite matches.  To keep the peaceful feeling of all six of us home. Together. Safe. 

My heart hurts.  It is heavy and solid.  Gold and shiny.  A weighted thing, carrying all the little worries of a mother sending her brood off into the big, scary world.  Do we have winter coats? Socks without holes? A new backpack? A bundle of freshly sharpened pencils and manners for the teacher? 

Can you put on your coat by yourself? Can you tie your shoes? Do we have enough masks? Will these make your glasses fog up? Have we done haircuts and sports physicals? Back to school night and parent/teacher conferences?

How long can I hold onto you for?

How long until this feels normal?

The youngest is off to kindergarten.  I will be home alone this year. And it's true what they say, time flies.  Walking the aisles at Target and Old Navy yesterday, I had to hold myself back from charging new mothers and accosting them with sage advice about enjoying this moment, and not wasting a second.  "It goes so fast!" I want to say. And yet I know, that at the same time, it can feel so slow.  The months of sleep regression or nightmares.  The weeks of illness, passed child to child, until the whole house has suffered. It's impossible to enjoy every second... yet I want to shake the shoulders of these women who have infants, sleeping, necks crooked, in their strollers and somehow warn them of what's to come.

That was my baby.  Just a minute ago. I point at the bright eyed child singing songs, twirling her dress, in the Barbie aisle, asking if she can get this pack of Barbie accessories. I turned around and now she's five.  She is going to school with her big brother, her backpack as big as she is, her long blond hair in pig tails, a giant smile on her face, but a mask around her neck. What strange, strange times. 

And yet I know that I would feel this way even if it weren't for COVID.  I would feel nostalgic and worried.  Sad and reminiscent.  Proud and scared. 

What am I going to go do with myself all day, everyday, while they are at school? How will I fill my time? But also, I am going TO DO THINGS with MYSELF, ALL DAY, EVERYDAY, WHILE THEY ARE AT SCHOOL (!!!) I WILL FILL MY TIME.  I cannot wait for a chance, after 18 months, to empty the kitchen sink, and have it stay empty.  To wipe a toilet seat, and have it stay dry.  To tidy the family room, and have it stay tidy for more than an hour.  

My heart, that hard, glimmering rock in my chest, aches just as deeply for my older two, as it does for their younger brother and the baby.  Twins, headed off to eighth grade.  Their last year in middle school.  Just three years younger than their father when I met him.  Off to high school next year.  Real life, driving, dating, all looming before us like a shark waiting with its mouth open. 

Next school year, I realize suddenly, I will have a child in elementary school, middle school and high school.  It's mind blowing.  So I take a deep breath.  Steer us away from the sharks open mouth for now, swimming, treading water, and cherishing these last few weeks of summer and our time together.  I am both ready for change, and dreading it. 

So I cling to this quote Kelle Hampton shared from her sister:

"The current is never going to stop flowing.  
You can cling to a rock to avoid it, but it's not going to stop moving.  

You'll die fighting the current. 

Your best chance of surviving is to let go and ride the current... 

swim with it,

 feel the water, 

& let yourself have fun."

Sharks be damned. 

around here: week 14 2021

 {March 28-April 3rd}

Arriving... home from vacation and feeling like it passed in a blink. Hah! But what a beautiful time we had, and being away from home always makes it feel special to be back again.

Laughing... at my dad's alien drawing on our chalk board.  He's always loved doodling, and it makes me smile. 

Struggling... to get back in the groove of school after a few days off.  Boy I cannot WAIT for next year when all the kids are supposed to go to school in their classrooms everyday with their teachers.  God bless teachers everywhere!

Proud... of Carly for cutting her own strawberries, and proud of the twins for cooking lunch for themselves.  One of the hardest and most rewarding things about having children is teaching them independence.  Teaching them to do things for themselves. 

Listening... to a new favorite song.  JJ Heller's Edelweiss which is on her I Dream of You Volume 2 album.  The whole album is magic, but that song especially reminds me so much of my grandma and her singing.  I use it to sing Carly to sleep at night, and while at first she was resistant to something new, now she asks for it. 

Gearing up... to go to the grocery store, and making the twins come with me (as punishment for bad behavior) only to arrive and find the shelves completely empty of what I needed.  The store's cold vegetable storage wasn't working, so there was no spinach, no peppers, no mushrooms, no lettuce... and the whole reason I went to the store was to get ingredients for Josh's daily salads. Sigh. 

Overthinking... just about everything. I feel like lately I can't make any decisions.  I would love any advice you have on not overthinking things.  How do you make decisions easily?

Sharing... my bookshelves and journals on Instagram.  I love seeing other people's bookshelves, so I felt inspired to share mine as well.  Then I went on to share my bookshelf full of journals.  I've been keeping a journal since I was 8 and have over a hundred. If you don't follow me on IG, you should.  I have  a regular account (shelly_cunningham26) as well as a reading account (shellyreadsbooks).  I'd love to have you!

Opening... a fun surprise package from Aunt Roxanne for Carly.  It had three of the CUTEST outfits for Carly, including what will be my new favorite shirt for her that has books on it. Swoon.  Thanks, Roxanne!

Starting... baseball practice for Wyatt's team this week and getting excited that some things are getting back to normal in our lives. 

Letting... the twins attend their first sleepover ever when their best friends (who are also identical twins) had a birthday party.  I am still not sure they will have more sleepovers in their future, but they were thrilled to get to go and we love that family so it was a win-win.

Taking... the twins to the orthodontist and finding out that they both need their wisdom teeth removed (especially Logan, whose tooth is growing back towards his throat!) before we can move into the next phase of braces for them.  After they have their wisdom teeth out, we should be able to start Phase 2 in the fall.  Their teeth already look amazing after Phase 1 of braces, but Phase 2 will adjust their bite/jaw and really perfect their handsome, dimpled smiles.

Attending... the boys' last basketball game of the season.  It was limited seating and we had to wear masks, but I was SO happy to sit in the bleachers and cheer for our boys as they faced off.  (It was an intermural game, so the boys played each other) It was also really good to see my friends in the stands, cheering for their kids.  I have so missed being out in the community this last year. 

Starting... on CPAP for my sleep apnea and trying to figure out which mask works best for me.  Getting used to the blowing air up my nose is hard, but luckily there is a ramp option which slowly builds to the full level over time.  I am still a bit embarrassed that I even have to have the CPAP machine, but I'm working to push through that.  I'm trying to keep in mind that it has the potential to change my life by giving me energy and making me healthier.

Chalking... with Carly and remembering a quote I heard recently about doing things just because you enjoy them.  There are no awards for chalking, but it makes me happy, so I am going to try and do it more often.  Same with many of the creative things I do so rarely.

Sending... the kids with Josh to his parents' land to participate in an Easter egg hunt with their cousins who are in town for spring break.  Josh's mom filled the eggs and planned the whole thing. It was so special.  The kids had a blast!

Getting... the best phone call telling me that after spring break Wyatt will go back to school full time, and the twins will be able to attend twice a week.  We are all so excited!!!

***

around here week 3 2021

 {January 10-16th}

Grateful... Josh got his first COVID vaccine this week. Teachers in the district where he works can be put on a waiting list, and when there are extra vaccines, they get to have them.

Hanging... all the new things I got at Hobby Lobby two weeks ago up around the house with Josh.  He's so amazing and patient when it comes to decorating. The new things I hung around make me so happy!!  Josh also built the new book cart I got for him to use as a side table for his easy chair, and put together the lamp I got for the family room.  It creates such a cozy look.

Working out... 3x this week (Monday, Wednesday & Friday) and feeling so proud for keeping that promise to myself. And I was down another pound, hitting 218lbs. 

Taking... all four kids to the dentist and feeling grateful the boys have zero cavities, but feeling like a crappy mom that Carly has more cavities. After the last time she had her cavities filled, I swore to myself she would not have to go through that again.  But here we are. Sigh. I am committing to more flossing and buying some mouth rinse, so maybe (fingers crossed) next time she will also be "sugar bug free"! 

I also took Wyatt to the orthodontist this week to check his retainer and make sure it's not interfering with a top tooth he has growing in.  We were there forever, which sucked for Wyatt, but I didn't mind because I always have a book! 

Trading... Josh bedtime duties.  He now has the boys (and is reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to them) and I have Carly.  We switch off reading to the boys, so whoever isn't doing that puts Carly down. She gets two or three pictures books, plus a few songs before bed. 

Catching... Logan brushing Carly's hair as she ate breakfast at the bar one morning with a particularly unruly head of hair. It was such a tender moment. 

Cleaning & organizing... Wyatt's bedroom which was an all-day project, but totally worth it.  We are super pleased with the results, and I particularly enjoyed finishing the sorting of the Legos. 

Selling... Josh's Suburban and paying off my van. Gosh, going to the bank and paying that off felt amazing!  I am so proud of us!

Letting... the kids stay up late for a Fortnite tournament Thursday night.  They were all thrilled.

Sending... Josh to school this week where his students (for the first time in ten months) awaited him.  He is so happy to be teaching in person again, although it's quite different from what anyone is used to.  Their district is splitting classes into AM & PM, so he only has half his students at a time. I am so happy for him to be back in the classroom teaching in person. 

Running... into Aunt Julie at Walmart, where Carly was able to show her how cute her new Valentine's outfit is in person.  Julie had only three sons, so she is especially thoughtful about spoiling Carly- giving her an outfit for each holiday, which Carly loves! Thanks, Aunt Julie!

Receiving... my Ancestry DNA results, which was so fun! I am 39% Germanic European; 17% Swedish; 15% Easter European & Russian; 15% English; the rest is bits of Scotland, Norway and Wales. 

Also receiving my book club books from Powell's.  I ordered Gift From The Sea and The Coddling of the American Mind. So excited to read and discuss these with the girls!

Reading... The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which I enjoyed, but was not as AMAZING for me as everyone else claimed. I did give it four stars, and loved the creativity behind the story line, but it didn't blow me away.  I also read The Push, and that book... whoa! It was un-put-downable, five stars, and the end left me wanting more.  I am also listening to Don't Overthink It by Anne Bogel.  It is changing how I look at every decision I make in my life. I often suffer decision fatigue, and her tips & tricks on reducing the number of choices you make in a day feels life changing. 

Planning... date night this week for Josh and I, around the theme of "Movie Theater at Home".  I got the ingredients for nachos, plus grab bags of different popcorn flavors and glass bottles of Sprite. We enjoyed our movie theater snacks while watching The Midnight Sky with George Clooney. It was a sweet, fascinating, "end of the world" movie that we both really enjoyed. 

Celebrating... my sister's new arrival.  Baby Sister (or Baby Lu) is absolute perfection and I am so happy for her family. 

Holding... that delicious baby on Saturday when my sister, parents, nephews & nieces came to play and share movie night with us. My twins, especially Logan, were also overjoyed to hold the sweet baby.  Also while Roxanne was here, we did newborn pics of sweet little Lu, and oh my goodness, did we get some good ones! What a blessing she is. 

***