Watching... Carly take her first steps. It was so exciting. The boys thought it was the best thing ever. But every time we tried to capture it on video, she would just stand there. Silly girl. We're also watching her scale the walls and get VERY excited when she hears the bath running. She crawls at lightening speed down the hall and into the bathroom when she hears the water turn on. Smarty! Feeding... Carly all the foods! She loves everything and it's so fun to watch her try new things. This week was lasagna and french bread. She ate every bite!
Wrapping... my mind around the fact that our sweet, precious little girl will be one year old on Tuesday. It feels impossible that twelve whole months have passed since she joined our family, but on the other hand, I can hardly remember what it was like without her. She makes all of us laugh everyday and it's going to be so much fun watching her as she grows. Worrying... about Logan as he had a second seizure this week. This time we will be following up with an MRI and a meeting with the neurologist.
Succeeding... in giving up swearing for the first time this week (after trying for nearly three weeks & failing everyday!), and loving this inspiring quote:
"Your kids watch you for a living.
It's their job; it's what they do.
That's why it's so important
to try your best
to be a good role model."
Reading... very little this week because #toomanysnowdays! With the kids home, it felt like all I could do was keep up with laundry & dishes. Hopefully next week we are back to normal and I get some big things crossed off my to-do list!
Going... stir crazy with the kids home ALL week. They finally went today, but it was 2 hour late start, so that time just flew right by! I think they've gone to school four or five days total this month. The weather has been ridiculous. Snow, wind, rain & ice... we've had it all!
Admiring... the way the freezing rain looks on all our plants outside. I took Josh's good camera out and captured some of it-- it's just breathtakingly beautiful. Missing... Facebook, so I went back. But my goal is to only check it when I'm nursing Carly. It was a nice break and good to know I can go without it, but I missed everyone, so I'm happy to be back. :)
Feeling... grateful Josh got the boys out as much as he could during our days stuck at home. The highlight of all these snow days was definitely having snowball fights with dad.
Trying... my hand at some creative journaling, including making myself a "Bookshelf" to keep track of my 2017 "Read 24 books" goal. It turned out pretty cute and I think I will enjoy keeping it up, which is a bonus.
With worry about Logan heavy on my mind, this quote felt fitting. I know that God chose me to be the mom of these kids, which means he trusts me to be Logan's caretaker. It's a huge responsibility, but it makes me proud that God knew I'd be the perfect mom for the job.
Yesterday afternoon I was making oatmeal scotchies (a delicious butterscotch cookie my mom always made) for snack while the kids were finishing up screen time as Carly napped. The twins had been in their bedroom watching a Youtube How To video on Minecraft (because #eightyearoldboys) when Jack called to me, "Mom, Logan's acting weird!" I stepped into the hallway and saw Logan laying on the floor as Jack touched Logan's arm and said, "He's shaking. Yeah, he's definitely shaking." I rushed over, dropped to my knees and confirmed that he was seizing.
I immediately pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. As I was doing that I asked Jack to get Josh who was outside breaking up the ice. Jack went to the door and yelled for Josh, who dropped his shovel and ran inside. He rubbed Logan's back and talked reassuringly to him as he continued to seize. I answered the 911 operator's questions and soon heard the ambulance. The seizure lasted 2 minutes that I timed, although from Jack's description of Logan's behavior beforehand, I think it was about a minute longer than that.
He said they'd been watching the show when Logan got up (presumably to come have cookies) and slammed into the wall in their room. Jack instinctively knew something was wrong because he said he stood up and went to Logan and pushed on his shoulder, but Logan didn't respond. Then Logan walked/fell out of their bedroom door before crashing into the hallway and collapsing onto the floor. When Jack went to Logan in their bedroom he said Logan's eyelids were fluttering crazy fast.
As he was seizing, thankfully, I could hear Logan breathing. He was making these strange clicking noises as he seized and I just kept thinking, "Stop. Stop. Stop," willing it to end. If I hadn't known to check my phone to mark the time, I would have had no idea how long the seizure lasted. It felt like an eternity. It was the most powerless feeling I have ever experienced as a parent. To know there was nothing I could do but wait. It really made me realize how little control we have as parents.
After I hung up with 911, I called our amazing across-the-street neighbors who dropped everything to come over and watch the three healthy kids so Josh and I could both accompany Logan to the ER.
I rode in the ambulance with him and Josh followed in our van. Currently our whole town is shut down due to an ice storm, and yesterday morning there was a three car pile up on our street, so driving is very dangerous. I was grateful to be in the ambulance, and grateful Josh got us winter tires with studs for the van. The EMT's were shoveling out the road so they could roll Logan on the stretcher into the back of the ambulance.
On the drive to the hospital Logan was able to answer most questions we asked him, although searching for words was really hard. Later he said that was embarrassing and frustrating. Once we arrived, they checked his blood and put in a call to the neurologist in. We heard back fairly quickly and the neurologist, thankfully, didn't want to put Logan on medication just yet. He recommended we follow up with the pediatric neurologist in Spokane, so that's the plan from here.
Being at the hospital, I was reminded again of what a small town we live in. The woman who checked us in has a daughter in 3rd grade at Logan's school, one of the fireman who arrived on scene knew our neighbor and the EMT riding with us knew the EMT who took Logan last time he had a seizure. It's just nice to be surrounded by so many people rooting for us.
As we sat waiting in the Emergency room and Logan slept, Josh and I talked about how grateful we are that we're not in our remote village in Alaska. The timing of these seizures has been so amazing. The hospital could not be closer in our new hometown.
Once we got home and relieved the neighbors, we started getting the kids ready for bed. As Josh sat surrounded by kids reading bedtime stories I felt so grateful I could have cried. The big brothers were super helpful with Carly while we were gone and I felt really proud of them. And Logan, for all intents & purposes, was completely fine. You'd have never known he had a seizure.
He should be able to go to school as usual. His only restrictions are heights (nothing higher than 6 feet) and submersion in water (ie swimming/baths). I am hopeful to get an appointment quickly and start searching for answers, but with Josh's epilepsy diagnosis 13 years ago, I learned that many times with the brain, there are no clear answers.
I went through my blog and found pictures of the twins & Wyatt at one year old to compare to Carly at one year. As I looked at the twins' pictures, though, only the pictures of Logan looked like Carly to me. (Funny, I know, as they are identical.)
The twins and Carly, it appears, were made from the exact same mold of Josh + Shelly. Wyatt, however, has a different look. To me at least.
A long, long (but not so long) time ago, we fed Carly her first Gerber Puffs. If you click here you can see Logan & Jack try them; and if you click here you can see Wyatt try them. She seemed unbothered by them, whereas the twins were totally hilarious eating them. I love her long fingers in the second picture. My little sweetheart.
Aside from the comparing, another frustrating part of parenting twins is dealing with fairness. While I want to make things fair for them most of the time, other times I think it's important for them to know that life's not fair. Disappointment is a part of life. I struggle with wanting to spare them from feeling unfairness, to shelter them a bit, but also with wanting to help them navigate those feelings of injustice when they come up.
It's easy to say the old cliche "life's not fair", even when it's true, but it's another for your mama heart to experience those emotions alongside your child. When they get what they do want it feels celebration worthy.
One way that those older boys of mine are faced with unfairness everyday is in their colorblindness. There was a period of time where I had no idea they were colorblind. Then Wyatt started learning (and mastering) his colors, while the twins still struggled. It was at this point that I realized I could be dealing with the same deficiency my dad has. Red/green color deficiency, to be specific.
The twins see color, they just don't see the same spectrum of color that the rest of us do. The best way to explain it (that I've found) is that because of the red/green deficiency, they can't see RED when it's added to things. Take white, for instance. When you add red, you get pink. My boys can't see pink. They see pink & white as the same color.
For about two years I didn't know they couldn't see pink. Then we went to the Oregon Zoo and saw the new arrival of flamingos. Later that afternoon Jack said, "I thought the flamingos would be pink." I told him they were pink and he disagreed vehemently, insisting they were white. (The flamingos pictured above are the actual birds we saw.)
The other two colors they struggle with are brown and purple. They can see green, but when you add red (resulting in brown) they can't tell. They can see blue, but when you add red (resulting in purple) they can't tell. I would give anything to see the paint chip aisle at Home Depot through their eyes.
Growing up I always knew my dad was colorblind. My mom would help him choose outfits for work and I distinctly remember having to help him with this Sesame Street game we had that had blue/purple and yellow/green cards that he couldn't distinguish. Turns out, the colorblindness isn't only from my dad. His grandfather (his mom's dad) was colorblind, and he passed that X-linked chromosome on to each of his daughters, meaning their sons would have a 50/50 chance of having a son with colorblindness. From what I've learned of family history, each of those daughters went on to have at least one son who was colorblind (my dad and many of his male cousins). From there, the X-linked chromosome was passed on to their daughters (for example, my sister and me) and our sons have a 50/50 chance of being colorblind.
Sure enough, my (identical) twins are colorblind, while Wyatt is not. And my sister's younger son is colorblind, while her oldest is not. And from there the genealogy will continue. If our colorblind sons have daughters, they will be carriers, and our great grandsons will have a 50/50 chance of being colorblind.
If you can't tell, the whole thing fascinates me.
Today for fun I had the boys take another color blind test. Wyatt and I took it as well. The results are in the picture above. I've never heard the term Deutan, but apparently both the twins are Duetans while Wyatt and I are not.
Below are some of the numbers that Logan & Jack couldn't see and to which they responded "nothing" on the test.
Some of them shocked me!
It must be so weird for them to know something is there that they can't see.
Over Christmas break, my boys had the opportunity (thanks Nanny!) to try those colorblind glasses everyone is talking about. They basically felt the colors were more vibrant, and everything with red in it was more red. My dad and nephew's cars are both red, one more maroon, and the boys each (without hearing each other) told me that the cars were super bright. When they are older (and not getting new glasses every year) we will look into getting their glasses coated with the colorblind technology. I think that'd be so cool for them.