The journey

After my appointment, I was left with an hour to wait until my follow up sonogram to confirm the loss.  I took that time to call Josh, Julie & my mom.  "They couldn't find a heartbeat," I got out before crying silently into the phone each time.  We all, obviously, hoped the follow up sonogram would reveal otherwise, but I had accepted that the baby was gone.

As I left the elevator bay on the way to my rental car, I passed the Gift Shop with onesies hung in the windows.  It was like taking a punch to the gut.  Tiny, adorable reminders of what I wasn't going to have.

After crying a bit more in a private nook of the waiting room, I actually decided to brave the gift shop because I knew that if the baby was gone I would be spending my afternoon getting a D&C, not shopping for treats for the boys as I had promised. 

So I perused the selection and chose some pullback planes and sticker books for them.  I also found a Willow Tree figurine that I thought was perfect for remembering this sweet baby of mine.

Back to the beginning...

{Marshall, to the right, from the air
The Yukon River to the left}
Flying out was really difficult. 
It feels always unnatural to leave my children.  
I shed tears every time.

 But once I was in the air, I remembered I had that sweet little baby in me, and that after just a few days away I'd be able to tell the boys about a new sibling joining our family.

 I waited hours in Bethel, kicking off my snow pants & boots,

 eating take out pizza,

 and reading (finally!) Outlander.

That was all the fun I had.  By the same time the next day, all my fun plans would be out the window.  Including getting myself a new phone,  shopping for more clothes at Motherhood maternity, placing a bush order for groceries at Walmart, and eating out.

I had left my kids sick with some kind of respiratory flu, left Josh missing work, and it was hard to wish I was there while going through what was to come.


A Letter To My Baby

Dear #4...

Sweet, sweet baby.  You are a much wanted, much loved addition to our family, and we are all excited for your arrival.  Your brothers don’t know yet that you are coming, but the twins have both requested a baby, Logan even wants two!  Wyatt says we can’t have a baby cause there’s not a place for you, but once we told him we could put you in the crib, he thought that would work.  He’s so funny!

I am excited to have a baby while I have big boys who can help and enjoy your babyness with me. I am excited to have a baby to focus on and give love to while your daddy works hard for our family like he does. I am excited to feel you move inside me, to kiss your forehead as you lay on my chest, and to nurse you like I did Wyatt, until you are a sleepy lump in my arms. There is so much to anticipate and look forward to with a new baby on the way.

I can’t believe I am already 10 weeks along.  I am a quarter of the way there. In May I will have another little baby.  Four children.  All I ever wanted in my life was to marry my own Prince Charming and be a mommy.  The fact that all my kids are so amazing makes the whole mommy part better than I ever imagined.  Those three brothers you have, and you (!) are the biggest blessings of my life.  I thank God everyday for the blessing of being your mommy.

This has been my healthiest pregnancy. I am exercising and not drinking any caffeine (except today—your brothers were sick in the night).  I haven’t missed a prenatal vitamin in months, and I am drinking tons of water. I have a very low stress level, as I am very much enjoying homeschooling your brothers and being a stay at home mommy. It’s what I always dreamed of.

I love that the hard work I put in when Logan & Jack were babies is continuing to pay off in that I have never had to leave Wyatt to go to work, and I will never have to leave you.  Being a stay-at-home mom is challenging, don’t get me wrong, and there are days that are beyond challenging, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  What I am doing at home with you is the most rewarding work with the biggest pay off.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

Little one, you are growing inside me. One inch right now, and am so excited that my body can grow you. So keep growing, okay? Stay healthy, and come see me in May.  You have three brothers and one amazing daddy who all want to see you.

I love you.

Love, your mommy

{written October 27, 2014}



What this post was going to say:

Instead it says this:

On Monday afternoon I caught a flight out of the village, headed for Anchorage where on Tuesday morning I would attend prenatal orientation, followed by my first prenatal appointment.  After a long day spent traveling, I fell into bed at 1:30am, anxious for the following morning.

I awoke Tuesday nervous for navigating the city and finding where I was going in the large Anchorage Providence complex.  I gave myself plenty of time and spent my first hour in a rundown of pregnancy in Alaska with nurse Anne.

After this hour, I finally got to meet with Lyn, my Certified Nurse Midwife, who was going to do an exam, as well as an internal ultrasound.  I was so excited to confirm that it was just one bambino in there.  But as I lay on the table and she inserted the wand, her face looked concerned.  Then worried. Then just sad.  

She couldn't find a heartbeat. And instead of measuring 10 weeks 1 day, the baby was measuring 9 weeks 1 day.  It wasn't looking good.  She sent me from her office to Advanced Sonograms of Alaska to confirm what she suspected.  


Turns out she was right.
My baby's heart was broken.
And now mine is too.


More to come...


Ending the Week Well

 Two highlights this week:
1) Tucking Wyatt back in before I went to bed (I always find him askew in his sheets with no blankets on) and he, still asleep, wrapped his chubby little arms around my neck, tight as could be, and whispered, "I love you, mommy."  

2) This note from Jack.
"Mom is the best mom.
Mom lets us watch
TV. Mom is the
{Me with my white board note from Jack;
and Wyatt talking on the phone to my mom.}


 The snow has been slowly building over the last few days.

And now it's got a serious layer.  
The snow machines are out.
People are happy!

 I took the boys for a walk in it. 

It was cold & windy, but the snow was sparkly and beautiful and magical, and I was so glad we got out.


In homeschool, we did an oil & water experiment, and the boys loved it!
{Baby oil & dyed water}


 The sunrises with the clouds and the snow have been breathtaking.  Every morning the boys and I rush to the window as the sun rises so we can see the show.


 Josh's mom sent pumpkins and my boys are very excited to decorate them this week!  We are very ready for Halloween!


 The colder weather has meant longer days inside.  Lots of couch snuggling, movie watching and game playing.  The new favorite in our house is Charlotte's Web.  They particularly like Templeton.


We got our workout machine!
We spent some of our PFD money (oil money from the state of Alaska) on a two-in-one eliptical/recumbent bike.  We absolutely love it and I think it's going to make getting exercise so much easier.

We are not the only ones who enjoy it. The twins are HUGE fans.  Logan spent quiet time on Thursday working out.  He got all sweaty and was so proud of himself!


The boys are dying to play with "little legos" (as opposed to the Duplo legos we have) and I have to be honest, my mom feet are just not ready.  But this week, with day after day spent stuck inside, I have allowed them to play with the one baggie of little legos that we have.  I have indeed stepped on a few, but the joy it brings them to create things has outweighed my aggravation.  

I am not fully committed to switching to little legos, but this little bit of practice has been good for the boys.

 Last year, in May, the boys' bedroom curtain rod fell down. It was a cheap rod, so I just taped the curtain over the window, knowing in the fall I would take care of it.

So when we got here I ordered a new curtain rod from Target and when it came, Josh put it up.  The boys' bedroom window now opens.  And they have a view. Of the river!  See? 

They also have a view of the base of Mt. Pilcher.  (To the right) See?
Such lucky boys! We LOVE having the extra light upstairs. 


 After a rough beginning to the week (Monday & Tuesday were exhausting!) I was glad to wrap up the week feeling peaceful.  I feel like I magically hit a groove, and it's a good thing.

Heading into the last week of October, I am celebrating.  I'm celebrating that I've made it through what was a tough month last year.  I'm celebrating that homeschool is going really well.  I'm celebrating that these are the last few weeks before my 32nd birthday.  

So much joy!



Around The House

There's not a whole lot happening around here.  Just little bits of life here and there.  But my pictures were starting to stack up, so I thought I'd jumble all the little bits together for a post.


Right now we are waist deep, teaching the basics of reading with Saxon Phonics & Spelling.  I love the curriculum, which walks me through everything, step by step.  It makes me feel really confident, and it's working with the boys.  They have passed every assessment thus far.

One thing I am wishing is that we made more time for reading one on one.  Throughout the day, I find time slipping through my fingers, and making more time for working on fluency is one thing that's on my radar.

We have been doing lots of Pinterest-inspired Halloween craft ideas.  I love these spooky haunted houses that we hung in the hallway upstairs.

 I also love how this one turned out.  
Little leaf hands. 
So precious!

The most challenging part of homeschooling is entertaining Wyatt during our intensive teaching time.  He is proving to be the most difficult aspect of homeschooling.  Which is not to say that he's difficult-- he' s not.  It's just that every time he comes to the kitchen table (where we do the majority of our schooling) with a toy he needs help with, or to ask me to go to the bathroom, he provides a perfect distraction to get the other two off track.  

Sometimes I try to keep him at the table with us, playing sand or doing puzzles, but he is equally distracting there, copying everything I say, or singing Crazy Train to drive his brothers batty.  It's tough. 

My Mini Me

Jack is a little Shelly.  He loves to color, talk on the phone and play with his stuffed animal babies.  Last week, I spent some time writing letters to friends, and he sat beside me at my desk, writing letters of his own, guessing how to spell, and including as many stickers as he could fit on the cards & envelopes.  His favorite part is the address labels.  He really is a kid after my own heart!

The Toddler

This little guys loves vehicles, especially fire trucks, police cars & buses.  He insists that he's "not a baby! I'm a big boy!", but still asks to be rocked occasionally.  He can make the saddest hurt face, and the next minute throw the most epic tantrum.  I love the dichotomy of this age, (he'll be three and a half in December) and am certain it's God's grace extended to mothers.

At this age they are equal parts big kid & sweet baby.  I think that mix allows us to cherish the last bits of their babydom while also facing (and often enjoying) their amazing maturity.


You can barely see it here, but Wyatt is holding my book-- The Night Circus.  I finished it last week, and am now halfway through my October goal of reading four books.


Last weekend we watched Divergent, so now I want to read that series as well.  
Hopefully I can get to it.

Right after The Night Circus I started Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

The timing of this book was really good.  I have been struggling with enjoying my boys (which is especially frustrating considering my Happiness Project goal this month is to "play") and I know they are receiving the message that I don't find joy in them, which couldn't be further from the truth.

In addition to being semi-annoyed with them constantly, I completely lost it last week when Logan wasn't listening and instead of helping clean, he was doing ninja kicks in the living room and kicked my giant water cup over, spilling it all over the coffee table, ruining a stack of pictures Jack had drawn me as well as this mini-book I had bought to send to my bestie.

I knew it was an accident, but I was so upset about the ruined book & pictures, I couldn't help yelling at him and berating him.  Later, of course, I felt awful and childish for being so angry.

... Like I said, good timing for the parenting unconditionally book!


Our afternoons consist of an hour of what we call "Crazy Time" where the boys get to play ball or run or chase or wrestle all they want, followed by snack time at 3pm, and two episodes of Arthur, which is their current favorite in the PBS lineup.

Sometimes before, sometimes after dinner, we do bath time.  We bathe all three boys separately, which can be annoying timewise, but in the end is nice because they get their own space, and also get a little parental one on one time, which is rare in our house.

For a while, Wyatt and the twins were on opposite bathing schedules, so they bathed one day, and he bathed the next.  Every night he would be so sad that he didn't get a bath.  When we put him in he goes, "Ahhhhh, that feels nice." It's so rewarding to have a kid who appreciates the little joys in life, like a warm, bubbly bath.

Missing Home

October, strangely, is the hardest month for me in terms of being away from home (Washington).  I hate missing out on the leaves changing colors, hay rides at the pumpkin patch and trick or treating with my sister and nephews.

It's weird that Halloween is my saddest holiday, and not Christmas or my birthday, but I think we've found ways to make those other days special despite our isolation.  Halloween, on the other hand, is tough.  We don't get to carve pumpkins, attend harvest parties or walk by the waterfront, awed by the stunning oranges.

This year I am focused on what we can do.  We can ask Nanny *my mom* to shop for costumes, sending the perfect outfits for these three excited boys.  We can decorate our house to the nines (courtesy of three years of amazing Halloween care packages from Aunt Julie), with bats & ghosts & spiders to spare.  We can paint the mini pumpkins Grandma Carol sends and decorate with those jack-o-lanterns, even if they don't light up.  And we can attend the Halloween Carnival at the school, ready for a great time, and grateful that at least we have that.

Rural Alaska + Three Boys

This change in weather, it's been snowing lightly off & on for days, has been hard for my morale.  The boys and I are stuck inside together, with temps below thirty and wind that's been a bit wild.  This is how I came up with "Crazy Time" and why I am looking into getting Just Dance for the xbox.  This energy has to find its way out of their bodies one way or another, and I'd rather it be constructively with me in charge than destructively with each other.

We've also been building lots of forts, which equals lots of folding.  It's exhausting, and some days I put the kibosh on forts, but for the most part I try to say yes because it's fun for them, and what else are they going to do?

Memory Books 

Another thing I've pulled out, in addition to blankets for forts & balls for "Crazy Time", are memory books.  These are the epitome of happiness boosters.  The boys love curling up with one, or six, and flipping through the pages, remembering how tiny they were as babies, or how brave they were in the ape caves this summer.


Often in the afternoon we have Independent Play Time, where each boy picks a box of toys and goes into seaparate areas of the house to play independently while mama has a break.  Some days they are more successful than others.  This particular day, the twins did a great job playing in my room & their room (respectively) and this one played contentedly in the playroom.

He called to me repeatedly to come see him saying, "Betcha can't see me!" until finally I arrived.  And there he was, sitting in the emptied Lego tote.

He is just so funny.
After I left the room, he promptly tipped over and fell out.  Laughing the whole time.

These two also (at times) entertain me (and themselves) with their play.  This day they were being welders after watching Otto welding a semi truck trailer on Alaska: The Last Frontier.

Little did they know that welding is in their blood.  Josh's dad, Papa Carl, can weld, & their great Uncle Paul repairs welding machines.  And their great grandfather Jay Cunningham? He taught welding at the college in Moses Lake, Washington where their dad was born.

Using the lid to one of their toolboxes and an old rubber band, they macguyvered a welding helmet, to protect their eyes of course, so they could work safely.

I am certain a large part of their inspiration for play comes from watching Yukon Men, Gold Rush and Alaska: The Last Frontier on Discovery.  They will pick any of those three shows over a kids' cartoon every day of the week.  I love it. This is our life. Cold weather & snow, rural living and working hard.  I love how they have embraced it.

Last week they also made a new engine for their "car" (Josh's recliner) using the toolbox they have that allows them to screw bolts on it.  Once they got it in place, Logan started sucking on a pretend line to siphon the coolant out of the motor.  Then Jack brought gas (it was out) and they "got her running."  

Counting Down

We have been counting down the days to Halloween pretty much since we got here, but it started in earnest on the 1st, when we could finally set up our October calendar from Aunt Julie.  Each day has a little magnet, (the boys alternate days, sharing the fun) and it makes the countdown so much fun.

We've also been reading Halloween books, most notably Junie B. First Graders' Boo and I Mean It!  She is so hilarious. The boys and I both enjoy reading her books very much.

{Fall 2014}
{Fall 2011}
We also tried on old costumes (my, how they've grown), and excitedly opened boxes full of new ones.  

I can't wait to take pictures of the three of them in their costumes this year. 

Wyatt's especially cracks me up!

Rural Life

The other night I went to wash my face before bed, only to find that we had no water. Thankfully we have water storage (in the form of totes, drinkable bottled water, and the Brita filter in the fridge) but it freaked me out anyway, and as soon as it came back on I filled three extra pitchers, just in case.

Another truth about life in rural Alaska is that when something like this happens (Saturday Social + Jack + Volleyball = broken glasses) it requires much more than a quick trip to the eye doctor to fix it.  I have to send them off, which will take a week, wait while they repair them and send them back (which will be at least another week) and then *hopefully* Jack will be able to see again.  The amount of time it takes to accomplish some things out here is astonishing. (And irritating!)

But if we're patient, good things will come!  Like groceries!  Oh we were so happy last Wednesday when our giant box of macaroni & cheese showed up.  Easy meals, here we come!

We were even more overjoyed to have cheese!!!  We haven't had cheese in weeks!  (Thank you Samuel!)

 In addition to waiting for things we want or need (like fixed glasses & food for the children) I also have to do a lot of things on my own.  Like giving the kids their haircuts.  I am getting pretty quick, and (I say humbly) pretty good  at giving haircuts. They are never perfect, and I find Wyatt's hair is more forgiving of my inexperience than the twins' straw straight blond, but they look cared for and fresh, and that's all I'm looking for.  I also do Josh's, and (thankfully) he doesn't complain.

The Gear

This year we had to buy new gear for Jack and new boots for Logan.  The twins have always been a size apart, and when it comes to buying gear (snow pants, coats & boots) it's quite convenient.  Logan wears whatever Jack outgrows and then Wyatt has worked his way through the sizes as he has grown.

Regardless of how much I can pass down, originally getting good gear is expensive!  But we have learned the hard way that paying for brand names is worth the price.  We've had snow gloves and boots that weren't waterproof, as well as snow pants (instead of overalls) that lead to wet bodies.  Out here you live and learn quick.

For the kids we do snow pants in the overall variety because if their jackets ride up, their under clothes still stay warm & dry.  We buy Sorel boots for snow, Muck boots for mud and either Lands End, LL Bean or Northface jackets for outerwear.  We don't buy any coats that aren't temperature rated, waterproof and windproof.  Jack's newest jacket is rated for -5 degrees below zero. 

Children's snow gloves are hands down the hardest thing to find.  Mittens are easier, but the boys like their fingers to have dexterity.  It's a challenge.  Now that they're bigger it's easier, but ages 3-5, it's really hard.

The Arctic Entry

Finding all that amazing gear is only one part of the challenge.  The second is storing it in some manner that makes sense and provides ease of use for Josh and I when gearing up our three rambunctious boys.  I have been brainstorming a space in the arctic entry for hats & mittens.   They don't hang on the hooks we have, and I hate having them on the floor.  It's a nightmare.

I'm hoping to find something on Target.com, a shelf or basket that will work, hung right above the hooks.  I better figure something out soon cause the snow is coming down!

Photo Finish

After organizing the arctic entry, I hung new pictures, from the summer, downstairs in all the frames.  The new memories make me so happy.  These are just a few-- (clockwise from the left) The boys at the beach, cousins at Cougar, cousins at t-ball practice, Jack fishing, Wyatt teaching Great Grandpa Jerry how to play Angry Birds on the tablet, and the twins with their Aunt Roxanne.

The Boys Room

 Two weeks ago we finally finished redecorating the boys' room from when we moved furniture back in August.  I am so happy with how it turned out.  I love the boys' picture boards (seen above, beside Wyatt's bed) and they enjoyed picking new memories to hang on them.  

My favorite part of the room is this corner--  I love how it turned out.  I love all the happy yellow, the cozy blanket & fluffy pillow, as well as the "You are my sunshine" art.  ($12 at Walmart this summer!)

The boys' favorite part is having new pictures from recent adventures on their picture boards as well as having their own art work displayed in the room.  I am also in love with their adorable owl humidifier-- a must in Alaska!

A lot of people wonder how it works having all three of them in the same room, but we have found that it works for us.  It streamlines bedtime, allowing us to read stories & tuck them all in at the same time; and it allows us to use the third bedroom (downstairs) as a playroom, which means there are no toys in their room, which is very important to me.  


Well I am off to bed.
Those boys are going to wake up raring to go,
and I'd better be prepared.