As I blog this afternoon, the twins are (finally) asleep in their room and Wyatt is asleep next to me, propped up on a hundred pillows so he can breathe despite the nasty congestion he's got going on. I had planned on napping myself, but there is far too much going on in my head to stop & rest.
I am wondering what "normal life" will feel like in. I am wondering how it will feel to be together as a family, away from everyone & everything we know. I am wondering what it will be like to have Josh go to work in the dark & come home in the dark. I am wondering what it will be like to have our groceries flown in. I am wondering what it will be like for the "high" to be in the negatives...
I wonder how he will adjust...
And how he will adjust...
Oddly enough, I am also curious how he will adjust.
After all, he's been up there by himself for four months now. With all adult companions & lots of quiet time. As he discovered when he came home, our boys are anything but quiet.
I think of all the things we will miss...
Pre-school, fast food, Tuesdays with Aunt Julie...
And I think of all the things we have to look forward to...
Daddy reading bedtime stories, rocking Wyatt to sleep & kissing me goodnight.
I think of how long we might stay there.
Two years. Ten years.
How much will they remember?
Of there? Of here?
I think of how much easier it is when Josh is here. How I can hold his hand as we lay in bed after the lights are out & tell him about my day. For the next month we're back to talking on the phone, sending texts, as well as the occasional Facebook message. There's really no comparison.
I not only feel that we are stronger for having been through this, but I am stronger for having been through this. You won't believe it, but today I found a fortune (like from a fortune cookie) in Wyatt's carseat. I have no idea how it got there, but it read:
"Good timber does not grow with ease;
the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."
While taking care of these three little boys has had its share of crazy days (screaming, crying, tantruming... and that's just me!) it has also shown me that I am more capable than I imagined.
I have survived sleepless night after sleepless night & still managed to keep house, meet all three of ours sons needs & somehow pack up all our earthly belongings. I would never consciously choose to be a single parent- this has been the hardest thing I've ever done- but I know now that it wouldn't kill me.
Now that we are settled in at Carol & Carl's house, we are trying to get into a routine, and a large marjority of my life has gotten easier. Carol helps with the laundry, feeding the kids & generally lending a hand (usually to hold Wyatt) whenever she sees I need it. Just coming home to other people has made my life so much happier.
The boys are testing a lot- being naughty at bed time & meal times- but that is normal. They've been through a lot. I am trying to be consistent with them and understand that all of this transition (Josh coming home unexpectedly, Thanksgiving break- no school- moving houses, Josh's departure) is really hard on them, even if they can't express that verbally.
When I picked them up from school today Logan asked me if Daddy was waiting in the car. I find I have to keep reminding him that Josh left. That he's in Alaska again.
We drove to the old house today to pick up the mail and I will say, I don't miss driving into that neighborhood. It's much nicer to drive into Carol & Carl's neighborhood, with the tree lined sidewalks & local park by the elementary school. It's a breath of fresh air to be somewhere safe.
Once we are settled into a routine, and the baby & I get well, I think living here is going to be good for us. My stress level is not what it was just a week ago. With everything moved into storage or shipped to Marshall, I am feeling pretty good. And I am looking forward to some time for catching up- doing the boys' calendars, journaling, reading & playing with the boys.
I will admit that it's strange not to have our own entire space. Like at night, when the baby is crying, I get a little panicky, worried we are waking Josh's parents up. And I don't want to be a nusiance, which is pretty much a lost cause seeing as I come with two three year olds & an infant...
But for the most part, I am glad to be done at our duplex. To have closed that chapter in our life, and to be awaiting the next chapter.
I still have a fairly intimidating list of things to do:
- Buy myself winter gear (coat, snow pants, gloves, face mask, socks)
- Buy the boys wool socks & scarves
- Change our address with 8 more companies
- Refine my "Anchorage Shopping Lists" for both Wal*Mart (for essentials) & Fred Meyer (for groceries)
- Purchase a crib & high chair for Wyatt & a computer desk for the new house
- Eventually ship everything we brought to Carol's to Marshall
- Get a cell phone/plan with GCI for Bush Alaska
- Sell a few more things on Craigslist
I am finding it hard to be motivated to get anything done. I'm just feeling so down. The high of Josh's surprise homecoming was a mountain peak compared to the dismal valley of emotion I am experiencing now.
Seeing him in his element with his family, his parents, his siblings, laughing & seeming so light, was so good for me. And for him.
Leaving was hard. Dropping him at the airport was sad. But I have to say that knowing it was our last goodbye helped.
And when he called me to say he arrived in Marshall, he was standing in our house! It is complete.
And that helps counteract my lack of motivation.
Because picturing this happening every night motivates me.
Knowing more about Marshall helps, too. Knowing that Josh is settled there, has friends there, helps me to picture our life there together.
While he was here for Thanksgiving the temperatures in Marshall reached 30 below. And yesterday he moved from his current housing to the new housing in -20 degree weather. I can't even imagine how cold that is.
I am starting to feel proud of us for making this choice to move to Bush Alaska. I am proud of us for putting our family first. I feel thankful that Josh is the kind of man who wants to work to support his family. I feel grateful that I get to be a stay-at-home mommy and will never have to leave Wyatt. I feel thankful that our boys are young & resilient.
I am struggling to enjoy our last few weeks here in Vancouver because I am so overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I am thinking always of how I'll do things in Marshall. How I will cook. How I will entertain the children. How I will do without all the modern conveniences I am used to.
All in all I know we can get through anything
just as long as we're together.
just as long as we're together.