oldie, but a goodie

{Rockaway Beach, Oregon}
August 15, 2007

Yesterday my mom, sister & I went to this awesome glass class that my friend Juli had.  It was, first of all, totally awesome. And second, really nice to spend some quality time with my ladies.
My mom and sister are two of my closest, best friends. I love them.  I love all the things we talk about and the support we offer each other.  Like last night we were talking about marriage.  And we talked about sisters. And it made me thankful for mine.
Roxanne & I talked about how when we were younger (teenagers) we didn't get along. At all.  It got me thinking about just how different we were, and how, in such a short time, we've changed.  Our two separate roads led us to the same place. 
Married with children.
And now we're juggling the same things: baby baths, making dinners, supporting our husbands, and loads of laundry.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone here in the trenches.  She may be my oldest friend, but she's a darn good one!


are there god? it's me, Mommy

"He who has learned to pray, has learned the greatest secret of a holy & happy life."  -William Law

I have never in my life, even when I was super-religious in high school, been as devoted as I am now to prayer.
Parenting is such a heavy responsibility that I feel I can't do it alone. I need His help. I need His guidance. They need His protection.  And so every day ends with me, in their room, lifting my worries, concerns and gratitude up to Him.

So when I found this quote, I fell in love. I have found this to be true. Whatever I am stewing on, worrying about or fretting over seems much easier when it's in His hands instead of mine.



me, too

"I working," Jack tells me.

"I working, too," says Logan.

"I clean," says Jack.

"I clean, too," replies Logan.

That's his new thing. Anything that Jack is doing, he's doing it "too". It's so adorable. With my minor in Human Development, it's obvious that development fascinates me in general, but I am particularly enamored with my boys' development. How they relate to each other and the way their language is growing.

For instance, when they look in the mirror, they claim to see the other ones' face. (Example: Logan looks in the mirror and says, "Jack.") As much as we have tried to explain that that is Logan, or that is Jack, they are quite certain it's their brother staring back at them.
And when you really think about, whose face is always staring back at them?

Another thing that amazes me is their ability to memorize songs. Jack can sing most of "We Are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" from our Veggie Tales soundtrack. They also know the Veggie Tales' theme song; You Are My Sunshine; Happy Birthday; The ABC's; and many more. I mean, he's not even two, and Jack can sing himself Happy Birthday! Incredible!

I believe that watching them grow will forever fascinate me. The fact that they are twins... exact genetic replicas of each other... navigating the world together, only makes it more intriguing.

round & round

{Mommy & Jack}
Last weekend Josh was out of town, so on Sunday, when the rain continued to pour, I decided to get out of the house. My mom met me at Jantzen Beach and we took the boys on the carousel for the first time.

{Nanny & Logan}
As I was walking up onto the platform, Jack was saying, "All done? All done?" He was so scared. Logan also looked apprehensive.

Jack feeling not-so-sure.

But once the"horsies" started going up and down, the boys got excited.

Here Jack is saying, "Up-down. Up-down."

Logan was loving it by the end. The rest of the day when I asked about the horsie ride with Nanny, he would say, "Up-down. Round an' round an' round," complete with hand motions. So cute!

baby fever

So I've come down with a bit of something...
...Could be I caught it at work where my friend Becky recently had her little bean, or where I am surrounded by adorable fall-in-love-with-me special needs kids.
...Could be I caught it from my family- my sister whose six month old is so completely edible that he takes my breath away, or my sister-in-law who also recently came down with the fever.
...Could be I caught it from my computer- that little file labeled "Logan & Jack: June 6, 2008", where I store the most precious pictures of my sons' first days on earth.
...Could be I caught it from my sons who, as they become toddlers, force me to realize they are not babies any more.

Not sure where I picked it up, but it's spreading, quickly, throughout my body. And I'm scared.

So I did a little research... And the odds are interesting.
{My baby fever doesn't bother me so much as it does my husband, who fears that we will have multiples again. So, honey, these statistics are for you!}

Chances of having fraternal twins after having identical twins:
1 in 10,000
Chances of having two sets of identical twins:
1 in 70,000
Chances of (someday) having three sets of twins:
1 in 500,000

After reading those I felt better. We would really like if our next pregnancy was one baby. The boys are beautiful, and our twin experience was a pretty good one, but doing twins having already had twins would be INSANITY! But what really scares us is the possibility of triplets. Now that would be scary!


dozer day

{May 16, 2010}

The boys seemed to enjoy Dozer Day, but Josh and I agreed that we'll wait until the boys are old enough to get on some of the machines and give "driving" a try before we attend again. They did love the freedom of running around, though.



I've been reading a book the last week or so called Things I Want My Daughter to Know by Elizabeth Noble. It's a good book. Sad, but good.
And in it the mother writes letters to her daughters as she is dying (*I told you it was sad!) I have written letters to the boys periodically and I am thankful they will always have those to know my love by, if anything ever were to happen to me.
I love them so much, my heart aches when I stop to think about it. I never want them to wonder about my love. I want them to forever know that their mother wanted them, loved them and cherished them.
Every moment of every day.
I grew up knowing I would have children, at least three, but never in my wildest dreams were any of those children twins. They are the most amazing surprise in my life. One that continually astounds me.
Like tonight when Jack gathered up the binkies & bubs and gave Logan his. Or when I arrived home and saw two blond heads together, working on a puzzle. Or when, at the park on Monday, they played peek-a-boo with each other.
The farther I get in this parenting gig, the more I find myself channeling my mother. Whether I am making chocolate chip cookies, carrying a blond boy on my hip or riding in the passenger seat visiting with Josh, feet on the dashboard, passing goldfish and sippy cups back with my amazing extend-o arms that apparently come with motherhood, I can feel her come through me.
When I think about the fact that at my age, my mom had been without her mother for four years already, I feel so lucky to have her to turn to. When I was pregnant and scared; when Jack's pyogenic granuloma fell off; when Logan was up puking in the middle of the night... She has always been there.
In the book the mom talks about how she was raised in a quiet, unjoyful home. And it made her determined to raise her children in a bright, happy, joyful home. I don't know if my mom would say her childhood was dark, but I do know that our home growing up was bright, happy & full of wonderful memories that growing up should be made of.
Camping, zoo trips, swim lessons, baseball games in the spring, the swingset in the backyard and riding bikes with the neighbor kids.
These are the same things I want to fill Logan & Jack's childhood with.
When I find myself channeling my mom, as I often do, I wonder how women with less than adequate mothers do it. Mothering comes naturally to me. It's in my genes- I can feel it!
Part of my obsession lately with my mom is also that I feel she feels the best part of her life was when she was raising all of us. In turn, I feel that I have just started the best part of my life. The part where each day is filled with growing and learning and loving. Where each year is another milestone reached.
I feel so lucky to be watching my children grow. I feel so lucky to be parenting alongside my husband. And I feel so lucky to have access to my mom, resident motherhood expert.
Tonight I got to read them their bedtime stories. Something about sitting in that rocking chair with my two little boys in my lap is just... magic. They are magic. Their brains, growing and working. Their bodies, moving and learning. Their sweet hearts, loving and sharing. That room, their nursery, where they sleep safe and sound every night, is like a fairy tale.
It's my happily ever after.
It's where they ask me, in their little pixie voices, "Mama hug?" Where they want to be rocked and sing "You are my Sunshine" with me. Where they want to snuggle their bubbas, suck their binkies & be wrapped like babies in the crib quilts my mom (quite fittingly) sewed for them, full of Nanny-love.
Oh boys... my boys full of magic... who bring me such joy.
I love you.
I love you forever and ever and ever.
Thank you for the honor of being your mommy. For the dreams you have fulfilled in my heart. And for the bright future I have to look forward to with you at the center.
I can't wait.

May 15th

May 15th has always been a special day for me.
It is my parents' wedding anniversary. This year they celebrated 28 years together. What an amazing legacy to leave their children and grandchildren.

{May 15, 2008}
It is also the day I made it to the 34 week mark. This was a huge milestone for myself and for our babies. This meant bigger, healthier babies with more developed lungs and a shorter hospital stay. I had been scared by pre-term labor around 24 weeks, and with bedrest and lots of prayer had bought another ten weeks for my precious boys. (I went on to bake them for three more weeks.)
I journaled throughout my pregnancy and wrote, "I am getting excited to have Josh's babies!" We had just decided on their full names- Logan Henry & Jack Sawyer. And I wrote that Dr. Plaut had informed me at my 34 week appointment that my belly was the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Josh took me out to lunch after that appointment and I wrote about it saying that I was going to miss spending time alone with him. (If I only knew how much!)
We also got an extra ultrsound that week. We got see Logan practice breathing, yawning, and winking! Jack's lips were so big & squishy in that ultrasound. I just wanted to kiss them!

{34 weeks}
That poor belly! It got bad stretch marks at the 32 week mark.

{May 2009}
Ahhh... those sweet faces. May of last year was a good time. I was one month away from their first birthday, a few short weeks away from staying home all summer with the boys, and I was feeling good, like I finally had a handle on this. On working full time, supporting a husband in school, and raising twin sons. The boys were crawling, pulling up, laughing, and interacting with each other. All of which brought such joy to me as their mother.

{May 15, 2010}
Once again this year, May 15th was an awesome day in my life. Josh and I, together, had survived the roughest, toughest challenge God has thrown our way. We somehow managed to keep the house running, the bills paid, the homework done, the job attended and children fed, despite the massive lack of time in which to do it all.

For all of my amazing May blessings, I am grateful.
What sunshine has been in my life.
What beauty.


mommy's boys

Lately, I have just been bursting with love for these bubs. Despite their crib-climbing skills, I am just so enthralled with them right now. I love having conversations with them. Like two nights ago when I was bathing the boys and Jack tells me, "Nee's house. Drink. Choceet Milk. Logan, please." (Translation: At Nanny's house we drank chocolate milk because Logan kept saying "please.") My mom had told me that when I got there in the afternoon, and Jack told me about it hours later in the tub. How amazing. That his less-than-two-year-old brain can recall what he did, and tell me about it.

Besides talking, they are also making leaps and bounds in their play. They are using their imaginations more and more, and are just... learning. They can do many puzzles independently, know many of their colors and are so creative in their play.
My favorite, as you can see in these pictures, is when they play with their babies. Saturday morning Jack crashed his stroller and his baby flew out. He said, "Baby crying," and picked her up, patting her on the back. It was so precious.

{mommy's boys}
Whenever the boys get out their strollers, I encourage them to get their babies out, too. So they get blankets and binkies; bibs and jackets; socks and sippy cups- all for their babies. They get their "man purses", hang them on their stroller handles (just like mommy) and say "Bye. Have a good day. I love you." (Just like mommy)
They are little sponges lately. Everything I do, they do. Everything I say, they say. It is an amazing privilege (and responsibility) to be their mother. One that I am glad... overjoyed to have.