I'M NOT YELLING!!!

(This post was started about two weeks ago):

I went an entire week without yelling, you guys! (Actually, even more than that. It's been like nine days!) The funny thing is, I wasn't even that focused on it. Like I didn't stop each morning and think, "Don't be a crazy beast, today, okay mama?"

Ha!

I have been, however, much more aware of my time constraints and what I want to get done. So I've been writing a lot of lists and prioritizing ruthlessly.  And my priorities have been: get the Christmas cards/shopping done; spend time with the kids; keep the house running smoothly.  Anything that fell outside of those three goals was pushed to the wayside and will wait for January.

I have read so much on Not Yelling, that I can't remember what tips came from where, but one of the tips I came across was to spend at least a week watching when & why you yell before you start changing things.  That way you can try to problem solve some of the causes, and can know at what point you are most likely to lose it.  It's also important to know why you want to quit yelling.

So here are the basics: 

Yelling makes me feel shitty about myself. 

I am the one making me yell.  I relinquish control when I yell.

I want to quit yelling because:

a) I want to feel like a good mom

b) I want to model self control for my children.

What makes me yell?

• Wasting my time or running late
• Wasting money (the kids being wasteful or careless)
• The boys fighting (hitting or being unkind)
• Feeling out of control (particularly when the house is a giant mess)

I have noticed that I yell the most on Sundays. How weird is that? I assume it's because I am preparing for a big week ahead, and we clean house on Sunday. So stress is a big factor.

In terms of time of day, I yell most in the mornings on our way out the door or when they fight (particularly when I'm in the shower).

I have also noticed I do not yell in public. Only at home.  

Many times I'm yelling because I have unreasonable expectations, or because the expectations I have are unclear.  Solving the unclear expectations was easy- I just made sure I told the kids what I expected.  

Adjusting my expectations to be more realistic was much harder.  I honestly feel like my kids should be able to get along for six minutes while I shower and ten more minutes while I do my hair & makeup.  But they have proven time and again that they cannot.  

"Should" is a dangerous word when it comes to parenting, and if you find yourself using it, proceed with caution. I decided to let go of that expectation, and now I only shower twice during the school week, and use dry shampoo the other days.  This minimizes the amount of time they are left to their own devices, and makes for much smoother mornings.  I also introduced a half hour of TV time on the days I do shower.  We used to adhere to a strict "no screens" rule during the school week, but for my sanity, I have added that little bit of TV time so I can shower and get ready in peace.

My point in telling you all of this?

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!  It's okay to bend (or completely change!) the rules so that what you're doing works for you.  That half hour of TV time makes all the difference on the mornings I shower.  I also make sure that I eat every day before school drop off so I'm not hangry (hungry+angry).  Make sure you take care of you so you can better take care of them.

Something Ralphie (from Simply on Purpose) says is to try looking for the good.  Whatever you look for, you will see.  So I've been trying to really stop and relish (or even praise) the behavior I see that thrills me as a mom.  (A good spelling test, a kindness for their sibling, random hugs...)

The last thing I've been doing is watching the stories I tell myself about the situation (thank you, Eckhart Tolle!), meaning when Logan doesn't want to vacuum, it doesn't mean he is a lazy human who will live on my couch until he's 42.  When Wyatt is whining about putting his laundry away, it doesn't mean he will be an unruly, ungrateful teenager.  In that same vein, I need to stay in this moment.  Don't look forward, don't project, just do the next right thing in my current situation, and that will get me all the way through this crazy adventure we call parenting. 

***

Around Here: Week 45

Taking... Jack to the doctor to see if his nose was broken after he and another kid on his basketball team bashed their heads together at practice Wednesday.  One of his nostrils isn't working, so I wanted to make sure that he was okay.  The doctor says it is likely just swollen and once the swelling goes down, he should be able to breathe normally again.  I'm so glad it's not broken, but he is sure in a lot of pain.  Poor kid!

Enjoying... a visit from my mom last weekend.  It was short lived, but we squeezed in lots of love & hugs.  She helped me sort through the kids' winter gear (I was only missing one thing- boots for Carly- which made me so proud of myself) and she spoiled us with a super fun movie night.

Watching... our first snow fall of the season.  Thankfully, we were ready-- Josh got the snow tires on the van, I had the yard all cleaned up (no stray nerf bullets or toys left out like last year) and Josh had the snow blower up and running.  Josh even pulled together some some winter gear organization that I shared here on the blog.  Josh was talking to his dad (who used to live where we now live) and he helped us set a new "Winter Ready" goal date: October 31st.  Where we live in central Washington can get cold (and have snow) in early November, so to be sure we're ready, he suggests setting Halloween as the cutoff date. I think that will really help us be prepared.

Playing... in the snow with my kids.  I knew this snow wouldn't stick around long, so we geared up (even Carly!) and headed out. We had so much fun!!!

Screwing up... my no yelling goal (& blogging all about it).  If you struggle with yelling, I highly recommend following Ralphie on Instagram.  She breaks good parenting down into super simple actions that anyone can do.  After this most recent "losing it" episode, I have decided to try something really weird. If I yell at my kids, I have to take off my earrings and I don't get to wear any the next day. I don't even know how it came to me, but I wear very little jewelry, and with my new short haircut, I love wearing earrings. I figure this will motivate me to SHUT MY MOUTH when I feel like yelling & swearing. Ha! I'll keep you posted.

Focusing... on what I do well as a mother.  (This is also inspired by Ralphie.)  She says we all have things we see where we don't measure up, but that only brings us down. Instead she wants us to look at what we do well as moms.  Where are our strengths? What are our gifts? 

Starting... on my Christmas shopping, using:
Something you want,
something you need,
something to wear,
& something to read
for my kids.
The "something you want" will be from Santa, the rest from Josh and myself.  I am excited to keep Christmas simple and not extraordinary or out of budget.  I am also working on a fun Christmas gift list (like Oprah's Favorite Things) to share on the blog this month.

Spending... too much time on social media.  I'm not sure what my action plan is to combat this fact, but knowing it's a problem is half the battle, right?!?

Loving... Carly's reunions with Wyatt & the twins everyday after school.  Little heart melter.

Grateful... for many things (see my #30daysofgratitude instagram recap below) but this week I am grateful for  the opportunity to raise readers.  That is one area of parenting where Josh and I are totally on the same page, and something our kids love.  Bedtime stories, silent reading and readaloud chapter books are all part of our nightly bedtime routine, meaning our kids get about 45 minutes of reading everyday (not including school time) and that's something I am really proud of.

Still.... not reading anything myself, though.  So this week I am determined to find a new book for myself to start.  I think it will be The Handmaid's Tale.  Fingers crossed it gets me hooked so I can get back to reading.

***

#30daysofgratitude

Day 4: Wyatt

Day 5: Carly

Day 6: Stay-at-home-motherhood

Day 7: Books

Day 8: Modern appliances

Day 9: Julie

Day 10: Having twins

***

Three Weeks of No Yelling

When I made the decision to quit yelling, I happened upon a blog that I follow (that I love & that makes me laugh, but be forewarned about the swearing!) and saw that she had a banner at the top of her page (click that link and you'll see it along the top) about quitting yelling.  So I clicked on it and was sent an email asking me questions about my yelling.  

Answering those questions was super helpful, and I found these things about myself:

I yell when the kids are:

• wasting my time
• wasting my money (by being wasteful or careless)
• fighting with each other (hitting or being unkind with their words)

It's often when we are running late or heading out the door, or when the house is a mess & I feel out of control.  

It is absolutely ridiculous how much just knowing WHEN I am likely to yell reduced my yelling behavior.  Like recognizing it took away some of its power.  Knowing when I yell was also helpful because now I have been able to make some changes to those times (mostly to our morning routine).

I have also been more purposeful with setting expectations (a trick I learned from Josh's awesome classroom management) and letting the kids know exactly what I am looking for before a situation presents itself.  

Aside from Susie and Josh's inspiration, my friend Emily told me about SimplyOnPurpose's Instagram, and I am seriously in love.  Everyday she is inspiring me (in simple ways) to be a better mom.  She says our goals in parenting should be:

1) teaching

2) modeling happiness

3) being purposeful (through reflection & redirection) 

4) looking for the good in our children

She recommends ignoring the junk behavior & instead praising the good behavior, something Josh swears works wonders in his classroom, and I am on board.  It's hard to switch gears from looking for misbehavior to looking for good behavior, but I am convinced it will be worth the effort. 

Any other advice on not yelling? 

When do you most yell? 

I'd love to hear from other mama's in the trenches! 

We got this, girls!!!

***

 

Around Here: Week 41

 

{one of my new Etsy miscarriage cards}

{Baby Shelly, two years old}

Receiving... flowers from Josh for no reason. Which is, of course, my favorite reason of all.  He walked in the door and I saw his arm full of fall flowers, and I felt like a teenager again.  Swoon!

Cleaning... house for guests this weekend.  I ran out of time Thursday since Carly didn't nap and two of the three boys came home early not feeling good, so I blasted through cleaning in a little under two hours after school let out, and was shocked at how much I got done!  Along with cleaning, I did a lot of random, spur of the moment purging, which felt amazing, and which I hope to continue when the boys go back to school next week.  I was inspired by Not-Your-Average-Mom.com's recent posts on decluttering.  She is inspiring me to get rid of ALL THE THINGS in the tiny room our three boys share. I started yesterday with baby toys, and if you know me, you know that I really (really) struggle getting rid of things that are from my babies.  So I was super proud of myself.
I am also enjoying a few new additions to the bathroom I cleaned (seen above), including a new super fluffy rug I found for $9 at Ross and a garbage with a lid that closes.  It's ridiculous how much those two little improvements have brought me joy, and spruced up that room.

Realizing... that Carly is my mini-me.  I was looking at pictures from my second birthday party (on this post), and it was like looking at my daughter who had gone back in time to 1984.  Ha!  Josh's genes are STRONG in our boys, so I am especially grateful that Carly looks like me!

Reading... The Elite & The Heir (books 2 & 3 in The Selection series) and really enjoying them.  They are light hearted and fun to listen to as I do chores around the house.   I am also reading The Shakeress.  And with the boys I'm reading The Magician's Elephant.

Reflecting... on my miscarriages and working on a post that will go live Sunday (which is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day).  Then all next week I will be sharing miscarriage posts I've written.  As time has passed since my loss, I have come to see what a different journey pregnancy loss is for every woman, and I've been inspired recently to create a line of pregnancy loss cards for my Etsy shop so that we can let those losses be acknowledged & remembered.

Celebrating... every single sale in my shop as it helps put food on our table.  I am truly feeling so blessed to be bringing in a little money doing something that I love.

Accepting... that Carly is my last baby.  I simply know that I could not be sliced any further.  (Imagine I am a pie, cut into four pieces, one for each of my kids...) I am someone who could be pregnant all day long, and (barring the first six weeks postpartum) someone who enjoys the infant stage... but as Carly has gotten older, having four kids has only gotten harder.  Meeting all their needs is spreading me pretty thin, and I just know that one more baby would push me over the edge.

Painting... the molding around my new windows, and planning to paint the cabinets in both our bathrooms.  They have only been (barely) painted with primer, and look awful.  I told Josh that this can of trim paint he bought me is like "If you give a mouse a cookie" for adults.  "If you buy a girl some trim paint..."
... she might want to paint the bathroom cabinets.
... and then she'll want to paint the kitchen cabinets.
... and then she'll start dreaming of painting the interior trim & doors.
... and then she'll want to spray paint the baseboard heaters...
And on and on it goes!

Yelling... less often.  Also, I'm swearing less.  I feel really good about the changes I've made.  I am sad to say it has increased timeouts, because when I want to yell I tell the kids to go to their rooms so I can't yell at them.  But they all know I am trying not to yell, so they've been very compliant. I think it will keep improving.  Right now, I am working really hard at planning ahead the night before.  Every night before bed, I look at the following day and prepare as much as possible beforehand.  I have also been choosing what to worry about & what to let go.  Basically, choosing not to yell has made me much more deliberate in my parenting, which is a great side effect.

Visiting... the library this morning with my whole crew, as they had the day off for Teacher Inservice.  Wyatt checked out a bunch of books on money, which he has been fascinated about recently.  He wants to know who invented money and what other countries use for money.  So these books will be fun to read.  I also have been checking out board books for Carly, which I never did with my other kids.  She loves to read new books and I feel like it includes her more in our outing, and in the reading culture we're trying to create in our home.
There are a few ways I try to create excitement about reading with our kids.  One is reading every.single.night.  Josh reads them picture books, which I think is good for people of any age!!! And then the boys all go lay in their beds and read to themselves (chapter books) for twenty minutes.  Then I read aloud (from a chapter book) and tuck them in.  In addition to just making plenty of time for reading, I also have holiday/season books that I pull out as each holiday/season approaches.  I just pulled out all the fall/Halloween books, and now you can almost always find Wyatt on the floor in the living room, his nose in a book about trick or treating.  Makes my reading heart so dang happy!!!

 Today I'm closing with a question:

Do you have a favorite winter/holiday book?

Please share!!!

***

I'm actually NOT yelling!!!

For the first two days after my decision not to yell anymore (come hell or high water!!!) at my children, I struggled.  I failed.  I would start to yell (my fall-back mode), then stop myself, take a quieter, calmer tone, and try again. Over and over. Again and again.

Yell. Stop.
Yell. Stop.

But now, over a week later, I realize I haven't yelled in probably six days.  I didn't even notice until I sat down to type an update and calculated when the last time I lost my temper was.

Our house feels a few degrees calmer, and I am working harder to stay one step ahead. I've changed a few rules (ie No playing after school until 4:15 so I am not feeling rushed as we unload backpacks & do homework) and have figured out that the mornings I am most likely to yell are mornings when I shower (and then have to blow dry my hair), so I have been skipping daily showers, and opting for an every other day schedule, so I only have to "get ready" on Tuesdays & Thursdays.  I am proud of myself for putting our family's peace above my need to look perfect.

My friend Emily suggested I follow SimplyOnPurpose on Instagram, so I've been using her top tips as a guide to my success (thanks, Em!).

1) Our goal as parents is to teach (not to punish!)
2) Reward good behavior (usually we ignore good behavior, how crazy is that?)
3) Ignore junk behavior (kinda hard at first, but gets easier)

Those three goals are so simple that changing my parenting hasn't felt overwhelming. I just remember that my goal is to TEACH the kids what to do, not to PUNISH them constantly for misbehavior. And the other side, rewarding good behavior while ignoring bad, is so positive that it can't help but make you feel good about the parenting you're doing.

Because I have more than one kid, too, I find that praising the positive behavior ("Thank you for making your lunch independently!" "Good job buckling up without being asked") leads to the other off-task brothers getting their jobs done as well, in hopes that they, too, will be praised. It is definitely win-win.

I promise to keep you posted on this No-Yell journey. I have basically spent my entire parenting journey trying to give up yelling, and have yet to have any changes stick.  But I remain hopeful that as I continue to grow & mature, my ways can (and will) change permanently.

***