Gretchen Rubin talks a lot about goals in her book Better Than Before (which I will be re-reading for pointers) and one of the things she talks about is when to start a new goal. Sometimes a big life change is a good time (think: after a big move, a new job or a new baby); other times the best time to start is NOW.
And so today, on a random Thursday afternoon in September, I am going to make myself a resolution. I don't care that it's not a Monday, or a new month, or even a new week. I feel like garbage right now (like I, for real, feel like a super shitty person) and I can't stand it for another second.
I am not going to wait until tomorrow morning, even, to start this new goal. I am starting it right now, while the kids are in school and the baby naps.
I am NOT going to YELL at my kids ANYMORE.
Yelling is not effective, they feel sad, I feel sad, and no one wins. We are all losing. In addition to yelling, I am not going to swear at my kids (which I do while yelling at them. Classy.) I am not going to say shut up (also super classy) and I am not going to put my hands on them.
Now I struggle a bit with no spankings or slapping, because I am not necessarily morally opposed to them, but I have been doing them for a while now (maybe the last three or four months) and I haven't found a change in behavior, plus I don't like how it makes me feel about myself as a mother that I am resorting to physical means of punishment when there are so many better ways to teach and consequence my children.
So there you have it.
I, Shelly Cunningham, am committing to calm parenting. I will not yell, swear or put my hands on my kids again.
I have thought these thoughts many times in the past. I have even blogged about peaceful parenting and wanting to make changes. And there have been times I have actually made changes, but I always tend to slide back into yelling.
But no more.
This time I mean it.
And I promise to keep you updated.
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PS- If you have any tips about how you successfully parent your crew without yelling, advice is welcome!!!
5 comments:
I can't remember which book I read that suggested the idea of being a "durable object" for your kids, but I've kind of attached to that thinking. I'm so not perfect at it, but when I eliminate my emotion from a heated situation, I make better parenting decisions and they seem to lose some fight too since I won't engage. I also highly recommend the instagram account simplyonpurpose. She talks a lot about calm parenting in doable ways. Her idea to ignore "junk" behavior also resonates with me. Good luck! You can do this!
Wishing you every success. I have no advice but plenty of encouraging. I think your kids are going to be just fine.
Mark and I have recently starting something similar to what Emily wrote above: making the effort to take all emotion out of a stressful situation before responding. It is SO hard for me (because I think I yell the most when I feel like things are spinning out of control...so overwhelming!) but it does help if I can remember it in the moment.
Hugs and best wishes for you! xo
Oh you are so sweet! I appreciate your honesty (and the word "shitty") in your post! You can do this girl...you can do this. I am no expert in this department but I find myself walking away. When I come upon a situation that is going to trigger me I walk out of the room, out of the house, out of wherever. It allows me time to breathe, take myself out of the situation for a minute, and calm down. Good luck sister, you can do this.
Thank you for saying out loud, or rather writing, what so many of us are dealing with and don't talk about. The shouting, the physical response and bad words do not help or change the situation AT ALL, they just make things worse, I totally agree, yet we all do it because it as a way to vent frustration, fatigue, and so many other negative emotions. It is a quick fix that brings no positive results. Please keep us posted on how you are faring and share some tips! You go girl!
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