I'M NOT YELLING!!!

(This post was started about two weeks ago):

I went an entire week without yelling, you guys! (Actually, even more than that. It's been like nine days!) The funny thing is, I wasn't even that focused on it. Like I didn't stop each morning and think, "Don't be a crazy beast, today, okay mama?"

Ha!

I have been, however, much more aware of my time constraints and what I want to get done. So I've been writing a lot of lists and prioritizing ruthlessly.  And my priorities have been: get the Christmas cards/shopping done; spend time with the kids; keep the house running smoothly.  Anything that fell outside of those three goals was pushed to the wayside and will wait for January.

I have read so much on Not Yelling, that I can't remember what tips came from where, but one of the tips I came across was to spend at least a week watching when & why you yell before you start changing things.  That way you can try to problem solve some of the causes, and can know at what point you are most likely to lose it.  It's also important to know why you want to quit yelling.

So here are the basics: 

Yelling makes me feel shitty about myself. 

I am the one making me yell.  I relinquish control when I yell.

I want to quit yelling because:

a) I want to feel like a good mom

b) I want to model self control for my children.

What makes me yell?

• Wasting my time or running late
• Wasting money (the kids being wasteful or careless)
• The boys fighting (hitting or being unkind)
• Feeling out of control (particularly when the house is a giant mess)

I have noticed that I yell the most on Sundays. How weird is that? I assume it's because I am preparing for a big week ahead, and we clean house on Sunday. So stress is a big factor.

In terms of time of day, I yell most in the mornings on our way out the door or when they fight (particularly when I'm in the shower).

I have also noticed I do not yell in public. Only at home.  

Many times I'm yelling because I have unreasonable expectations, or because the expectations I have are unclear.  Solving the unclear expectations was easy- I just made sure I told the kids what I expected.  

Adjusting my expectations to be more realistic was much harder.  I honestly feel like my kids should be able to get along for six minutes while I shower and ten more minutes while I do my hair & makeup.  But they have proven time and again that they cannot.  

"Should" is a dangerous word when it comes to parenting, and if you find yourself using it, proceed with caution. I decided to let go of that expectation, and now I only shower twice during the school week, and use dry shampoo the other days.  This minimizes the amount of time they are left to their own devices, and makes for much smoother mornings.  I also introduced a half hour of TV time on the days I do shower.  We used to adhere to a strict "no screens" rule during the school week, but for my sanity, I have added that little bit of TV time so I can shower and get ready in peace.

My point in telling you all of this?

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!  It's okay to bend (or completely change!) the rules so that what you're doing works for you.  That half hour of TV time makes all the difference on the mornings I shower.  I also make sure that I eat every day before school drop off so I'm not hangry (hungry+angry).  Make sure you take care of you so you can better take care of them.

Something Ralphie (from Simply on Purpose) says is to try looking for the good.  Whatever you look for, you will see.  So I've been trying to really stop and relish (or even praise) the behavior I see that thrills me as a mom.  (A good spelling test, a kindness for their sibling, random hugs...)

The last thing I've been doing is watching the stories I tell myself about the situation (thank you, Eckhart Tolle!), meaning when Logan doesn't want to vacuum, it doesn't mean he is a lazy human who will live on my couch until he's 42.  When Wyatt is whining about putting his laundry away, it doesn't mean he will be an unruly, ungrateful teenager.  In that same vein, I need to stay in this moment.  Don't look forward, don't project, just do the next right thing in my current situation, and that will get me all the way through this crazy adventure we call parenting. 

***