The journey

After my appointment, I was left with an hour to wait until my follow up sonogram to confirm the loss.  I took that time to call Josh, Julie & my mom.  "They couldn't find a heartbeat," I got out before crying silently into the phone each time.  We all, obviously, hoped the follow up sonogram would reveal otherwise, but I had accepted that the baby was gone.

As I left the elevator bay on the way to my rental car, I passed the Gift Shop with onesies hung in the windows.  It was like taking a punch to the gut.  Tiny, adorable reminders of what I wasn't going to have.

After crying a bit more in a private nook of the waiting room, I actually decided to brave the gift shop because I knew that if the baby was gone I would be spending my afternoon getting a D&C, not shopping for treats for the boys as I had promised. 

So I perused the selection and chose some pullback planes and sticker books for them.  I also found a Willow Tree figurine that I thought was perfect for remembering this sweet baby of mine.

***

Back to the beginning...

{Marshall, to the right, from the air
The Yukon River to the left}

Flying out was really difficult. 

It feels always unnatural to leave my children.  

I shed tears every time.

 But once I was in the air, I remembered I had that sweet little baby in me, and that after just a few days away I'd be able to tell the boys about a new sibling joining our family.

 I waited hours in Bethel, kicking off my snow pants & boots,

 eating take out pizza,

 and reading (finally!) Outlander.

That was all the fun I had.  By the same time the next day, all my fun plans would be out the window.  Including getting myself a new phone,  shopping for more clothes at Motherhood maternity, placing a bush order for groceries at Walmart, and eating out.

I had left my kids sick with some kind of respiratory flu, left Josh missing work, and it was hard to wish I was there while going through what was to come.