Finally Home

The whole time we were looking for a heartbeat, I was thinking of all my friends who'd lost pregnancies...  I tried to channel the strength and hope I had seen in them.  I was grateful to be able to draw strength from so many amazing women.

I needed it.

***

When I got back to the clinic from my sonogram, I was checked into the hospital for my surgery.  The nurses were amazing-- One loaned me her phone charger since I didn't have mine.  Another tracked down my car keys from the valet and made sure my rental was parked in a safe place.  Another picked up my prescription for me from the pharmacy, taking my cash & paying for it.  Meanwhile, I was on the phone trying to change my flights home and rearrange my plans for the following day.

Once all the details were sorted out, they started my IV and wheeled me off to the operating room.  There I was given oxygen & IV anesthesia.  The last thing I remember is putting my hand over my belly and saying goodbye to the baby.

I awoke to a new nurse by my side, holding my hand.  Together we called Josh to tell him I had come out of surgery okay.  I was nauseous, super thirsty because I had been intubated during the D&C, my legs/arms felt weird and for a period of time I couldn't walk.

I stayed over night at the hospital for observation since I didn't know anyone in Anchorage and they didn't want to release me on my own to my hotel room.  Plus with the rental car, I would've had to drive myself, and that wasn't a good idea after being put under.

***

And so it is that I spent the night, alone, in a hospital 400 miles from home, having said goodbye to my baby, and getting surgery without so much as a soul I knew beside me.

The hospital had a chaplain that came into my room to talk to me before I went to sleep.  

He read to me Psalms 121:

"I lift my eyes up to the mountains-

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your coming and going

From this time forth."

~

As wonderful as the nurses and the chaplain were, I just found myself missing Josh.  I ached for him to be there, to hold my hand, to tell me it would all be okay.  I just wanted him to hold me as I sobbed and brush the tears off my cheeks.

Instead I limped through the night, sleeping in half hours spurts, and the next morning at 5am I was discharged.  I changed out of my hospital gown and into my clothes from the day before, geared up in my hat, scarf & gloves, and drove my exhausted self back to my hotel so I could gather my luggage, return my rental car & catch my plane.

I wasn't supposed to be on my feet, up & around less than 24 hours after my procedure,  let alone traveling on two planes across Alaska toting 60+ pounds of luggage. But I was blessed by person after person who was willing to help me.  I never had to touch my luggage once. Everywhere I went, people jumped in to assist.

My first flight was less than two hours and honestly, I dozed through most of it.  I was done being sad for the moment, and I let the sheer exhaustion of all I had been through sweep over me.

The wait in Bethel for my second flight was half an hour, which is unheard of.
It was such a blessing to me.

Less than an hour later, I was home.

For the most part since I got home, I have had peace about the loss.  I am sad, and certain things will hit me, but being home, surrounded by my boys, has been the ultimate in healing.  They know nothing of what transpired while I was gone beyond knowing I was in the hospital.  Their ignorance is bliss for me.  They just want to play with me and hug me and talk to me.

And right now that's exactly what I need.