Miss Americana

Yesterday I watched Taylor Swift's Netflix documentary, Miss Americana, and I was blown away.  She talks about how so many of us really grew up together, and it's true.  She is more the age of my little brother (she's 30. I'm 38), but the idea remains. 

In the beginning of her career (life), she thought the most important thing (maybe the only important thing) was that she be good.  Be a good girl. Be the good girl.  Those were the same messages I received.  Be good.  Be nice. Be kind.  Be quiet. 

For a long time it worked. For both of us. We behaved like we were supposed to, and were rewarded with happy audiences. Then she crashed with Kanye and I ran into Josh, and both our stories veered off.  She started facing criticism like never before and I found myself with a choice to make. 

It took time, but eventually she realized (as so many of us do) that she could either keep trying to please the world (to no avail) or she could please herself.  She could do what she thought was right.  I did the same- I left my church (that felt like my home) so that I could be with Josh because that was what I thought was right.  That was what made me happy.  She wrote songs that meant something to her and not because she thought they would make her fans happy. 

In an  hour and a half, Taylor inspired me to be me.  To write here on my blog the things that important to me to share. That are on my heart.  She inspired me to wear bold lipstick and feed my body well.  (She struggled with an eating disorder for a while.) She inspired me to play my guitar (my dad gifted me a guitar and I'm going to learn!) and try things I may fail at. She inspired me to work harder, and care less.  (Work harder at my responsibilities and care less about what other people think.) Not an easy combination, but one that is worth the effort. 

At the beginning of her career, she kept quiet about politics. She thought it wasn't really  her place to speak up about them.  But then a democratic woman was running in her state (Tennessee) and claimed that she represented Tennessee women, and Taylor said no! You do not represent us. This politician didn't agree with equal pay for woman; was weak against domestic violence & stalking laws; and didn't want equality for LGBTQ people. That, Taylor asserted, is not what represents the women of Tennessee.

As I watched her become this political advocate on my screen, I could so identify with her journey.  I, too, never spoke up about politics much.  I voted every year after I turned 18 (because my mom said, "If you don't vote, you can't bitch" hahah!) but I wasn't super invested.  This year, for some reason, all of that changed.  I believe that equality for everyone is vital. I believe that blacks and whites should be treated the same. In all situations. I believe that gay & lesbian Americans deserve as much happiness and as many rights as straight Americans.  There was just so much at stake this election. And I'm proud of myself (and Taylor) for speaking up about it. 

If you haven't watched Miss Americana, I highly recommend it. (But I will warn you, it will make you want to download all her albums stat. Hah!) 

★★★★★

Around Here: Week 46 2020

Logan & my dad's hike from last week

My poor attempt at drawing the COVID graph for my kids

Closing... our state back down as COVID rates skyrocket.  Following the governor's announcement, I then had to explain to the kids why we are going backward in terms of our social behavior and school plans, etc. I broke the news to them that it was unlikely we would join the family for Thanksgiving, and that it was unlikely they would attend school in person this school year.  One of the hardest parts of COVID & quarantine might be that I am the one who bears the brunt of all their emotions about it. It's very much a "Don't kill the messenger" situation, and one that is hard. Because I feel a responsibility to both validate their feelings, but also help them see the bright side and encourage them forward. It is very challenging. 

Suffering... three migraines this week. One on Sunday, one on Tuesday and one on Saturday.  But! I am increasing my blood pressure medication and should be at the normal new dose in two weeks. So fingers crossed I won't have migraines like this again next month!

Letting... Jack enjoy a weekend sleepover with my parents now that they are closer!  He had so much fun, building a box fort with his cousins, playing Fortnite and just being an only child for a little bit. It was fantastic!

Feeling... overwhelmed at everything that's happening.  I am overwhelmed by housework, school demands for the kids, the bills & phone calls I need to be making, not to mention the to do list that is not getting crossed off at all in the wake of doing full time remote learning facilitating and running this household daily.  I.am.drowning.

Endlessly... cleaning the house and tidying stuff up. I swear, all day long I could just walk around this house putting things back where they belong.   My biggest pet peeve? When I put things on the stairs for the kids to put away, and they walk right past them. Grrr!

Diagnosed... with rosacea at the doctor.  I went in because I had a bit of a rash under my nose on one side, but while I was there, he saw my skin without makeup for the first time (probably ever) and asked how long I had had rosy cheeks and red spotting. I said forever, but the truth is probably at least six years. He said it's rosacea and that there is a gel I can use to help. 

Ending... the first quarter with the twins.  I can't believe we made it, and I can't believe how much I loved learning/teaching science.  English kicked our butts (!) but geology was fascinating (and right up my alley. In my other life, I became a total rock-nerd-geologist) and even the twins thought so.   Next quarter is 7th grade math, and I have to tell you... I have very little education memories that are negative. I loved school, always.  But seventh grade math??? I just... I struggled. Hard.  And my teacher tried his very best... but I didn't do well, and am terrified to try & teach the twins. What I mostly remember is if we got in trouble for talking, which I often did with the 8th and 9th graders in class, we had to memorize the digits of pi. 3.14159265... Lord help us.

Emptying... some books off my unread shelf as I approach the end of the year with more books on it than I had in January. Ooops! Hahah!

Sending... Wyatt & Logan off for a playdate with my sister when we had no school Wednesday. 

Running... errands with Jack & Carly, including dropping Jack off at the orthodontist and then having to follow him in so Carly could go potty.  Dr. Feller saw us and gave Carly (and me) a candy.  She misses playing in their waiting room so much! We just love him!

Writing... to do lists for the boys (and Carly) so they can help out more around the house.  I have a hard time feeling peaceful or relaxing if the house is a disaster, so having the kids home 24/7 has been a challenge to my sanity. After complaining about this for a few weeks, I finally decided to do something about it, and Morning To Do lists were the result.  If we all work together, it's not much work at all. 

Happy... that Josh worked from home this week.  I love having his help with the kids.  I am so outnumbered currently. Things will be fine at first each morning.  Everyone working peacefully while Carly entertains herself with pup toys... then all hell breaks loose.  Logan is on a zoom with a concept he doesn't understand; Wyatt needs help with a math question on a test he's taking; Carly is in the bathroom and needs to be wiped; and Jack has forgotten what he's supposed to be doing and is fighting with Wyatt.  It's exhausting. All hands on deck is a breath of fresh air. 

Praying... for Grandpa as he endures another round of chemo this week. He's doing so well, it's truly remarkable.  But I'm praying for my grandma, too, who worries with the best of them. Just a few more weeks!

Laughing... when I gave the boys haircuts but first combed Logan's hair like a classic 1990 bowl cut. He thought it was far less funny than I did. 

Watching... The Social Dilemma on Netflix and facing my social media usage head on.  (On iPhones you can find your screen time analysis- daily & weekly- under Screen Time on Settings.) It turns out, I am on there at least an hour and a half a day, up to three and a half hours a day. And that's JUST on social media (which, for me, is Facebook & Instagram). What!?!

I am also watching When Calls The Heart. I am on Season 7 and am almost done with the season! I'm so curious who Elizabeth is going to pick!!

Enduring... a power outage for 6+ hours on Friday.  Every time the kids would get an idea of what to do while the power was out, we would have to tell them that whatever they wanted to do also required electricity. 

-Watching TV

-Making dinner in the microwave

-Turning on the lights to read

Hahah!

Discussing... being off Facebook with my cousin and legitimately asking her, "So then.... like... what do you DO?"  She laughed (kindly) when I asked, and said, "I just live my life." 

It sounded so refreshing and foreign. I was embarrassed! Imagine, instead of scrolling, actually living. Is this what some people do?!

Reading...  What Happens in Paradise by Elin Hilderbrand and feeling so excited that I have all three books in the series to read this month!  The first one jumps right into a crazy story full of characters you love, and so far, book two is doing the same.  I think it'll make for a great month of birthday reading for me!

Doing... Carly's hair for my birthday party (we had a small get together at my parent's house with my sister & cousin) and loving how much she loves to get ready with me.  We did our hair together and our makeup, and she chose jewelry to wear... Having a daughter just never gets old. Ever. 

Opening... presents from my mom and sister who teamed up to buy me a whole new wardrobe for my birthday. I felt SO cute putting on a fashion show for them at my mom's house. Jeans, a vest, some sweaters and leggings... I was blown away by the thoughtfulness and how great those new clothes make me feel about myself. 

***

A little laugh, cause we could all use one:

***

Around Here: Week 42 2020

My mom, my dad and I, circa 1986

What school at home looks like everyday

Carly's princesses on her Barbie couch

They're watching TV, naturally

I swear every week someone breaks a pair of glasses
(Notice the missing lens...)

I need this mug (to replace the one Molly broke) Ha!

When Carly got ready for Romy's birthday party
and was carrying her present and lunch bag, she said,
"I look like I'm going on vacation!"

Isn't my sister is so beautiful?

Following... what has become our routine the last few months, and cleaning house on Sunday to prepare for the week.  The boys clean the bathrooms and their bedrooms, and I take care of the downstairs.  We also watched the Seahawks game, which my boys enjoy with their dad.

Worrying... about my grandparents as my grandpa was diagnosed with lymphoma and was advised to undergo chemotherapy to fight it.  He had a biopsy Monday to give the oncologist more information about what they're fighting, and he started chemo (at a smaller dose) on Friday.  I love my grandparents so much and wish I was closer (they live 6+ hours away at the coast) to help them through grandpa's treatments. 

Grateful... beyond words that Josh was willing to be my hands this weekend.  He and his brother agreed to go and get some projects done at my grandparents house before the real chemo treatments start up. They were able to get so many things done for them, including trimming the hedge; putting up a new fence and re-siding one side of their house.  Thanks, guys. I know Grandma appreciates it, and so do I. 

Surviving... Week 5 of school at home. The boys grades are improving and we're really in a good routine now.  Josh saved us all by buying a tripod for my phone so I can mirror my camera onto the TV, which makes it 100x easier for the twins to copy my notes as we work together through their English and Science lessons. 

Listening... to the rain on the windshield of the van as we drove Carly out to grandma & Papa's land on Tuesday.  Carly made us all pause when she said, "I love the sound of the rain when it hits the windows." 
Same, Carly.  Same.

Enduring... Logan breaking his glasses.  It seems like every week we have a pair broken. Usually from rough housing. #boymom Thankfully Amy, our glasses guru, at our local vision clinic, is amazing at fixing what she can, and patient as can be when it comes to ordering more glasses or working with our insurance on our behalf. Thank goodness for her!

Chatting... for the first time with a psychiatrist I found on DoctoronDemand. My insurance covers meeting virtually through this app, which is the coolest.  I wanted to meet with a psychiatrist to make sure that I am on the best medication for my anxiety, OCD tendencies and migraines.  

She suggested upping my Prozac and trying a blood pressure medication for my migraines before jumping to the monthly shot my PC doc wants to try. So we will give it a whirl.

She also mentioned that my miscarriages counted as trauma and that digging into that and feeling those feelings might be a good idea.  This advice was timely as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day was this week. 

Visiting... with my bestie for a few hours Thursday.  Time with her is like a breath of fresh air every week. Thank goodness for enduring friendships and laughter.

Suffering... a migraine so bad on Friday that we didn't do school and I stayed in bed most of the morning.  My bestie sent her husband to get the twins (they work for her sometimes, which they love) and when she brought them home again when they were done, she had brought pizza for us for dinner.  So, so kind & thoughtful since Josh was out of town and unable to take care of me.

Letting... the boys take turns sleeping with me since Josh was gone to the coast.  Wyatt was probably the most excited. Gosh, I love that little boy so much.

Celebrating... my niece Romy's third birthday with my sister & her kids on Saturday. We had the best day, with the best weather. It was perfect. Carly helped me choose her present, which was a pair of Minnie Mouse high heels. (They are so adorable!) I also brought Ferris' birthday gift (random fact: all my sister's kids' birthdays are in October!) which was a BOX of computer paper. Haha! He always wants computer paper to draw on, and when I saw that the box wasn't that much more than a ream, I just had to get it for him.  That, plus some new markers, and he was one happy kid! I love being an aunt. It's so much fun!

Ordering... Christmas cards (from Shutterfly at 50% off!) for our family and feeling so excited!  My sister took our family pictures a few weeks back and I'm so grateful for them. I also want to get one of the whole family put on a canvas. 

Starting... to work out and losing two pounds this week.  I was happy to see the scale go down because I'm not at a healthy weight, but the workouts are also really good for my anxiety.  Per instructions from my psychiatrist, I am working on loving my tummy by stopping and telling it that I appreciate it as often as I am in front of a mirror. It feels a little silly, but I definitely HATE it less than I did when I started this experiment. 

Reading... Lila for book club and enjoying her back story so much. I read Gilead, then skipped Home and jumped right into Lila.  So I will go back and read Home (and then Jack, which was just released!) sometime in the near future. I have enjoyed Marillynne Robinson's books... but they are a slow read (I can't devour them... I have to savor them) so I need a break from them for a bit. 

Sending... the kids out to jump on the trampoline whenever we need a break from school, and feeling so happy Josh bought it. These boys' energy levels are off the charts.  If only I could have half of it!

***

"It is the 

bright shine 

of all the 

endured 

sorrow 

that will 

make us 

glow."

-Tyler Knott Gregson 

Remembering... our lost babies on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15th.  I gave our lost babies names recently (they came after Wyatt & before Carly) and it has helped me to better mourn them.  

I am beyond grateful for our sweet rainbow baby girl, and I am so sad for any mother who didn't get to have that redeeming rainbow baby experience. Everyday I am thankful that God gave us Carly May.  What a ray of sunshine she is. 

(At the bottom of the list of our kids names, I have listed all our pets. Sukie & Margilo were cats we had before the twins, and most of you know George, (& Ramona, who passed in May), Grady & Molly. 
Also, some of you may not know that my name is actually Rochelle.  Shelly is just my nickname.)

*