This Week

 I've had some people ask me about my flowers...  These are sunflowers we got in a kids meal at Burgerville when we were back home this summer.

 When we got back to Alaska in August the boys planted them, and Josh has been wonderful about watering them. I can keep the children fed & watered, but not the plants. Go figure!

 We also planted two radish pots & a sweet pea.  They have all done amazingly well.  With only a little over seven hours of daylight (and losing up to six minutes each day) I imagine their season is just about through.

 I will be sad when they go.  

The green & the bit of happiness those beautiful buds bring will be missed.

***

I have some plans in place to make for a good week this week.  

First, I should be cleared for working out now that I'm two weeks post D&C.  That will help ease my anxiety, give me more energy and help me sleep better.  Win, win, win.  

Second, Josh and I have committed to going upstairs for bed at 9pm.  We've been going to bed later and later each night, and in the morning we are paying the price.  

Third, I have plans to catch up my journal, which always helps with my emotions as I feel my way through everything.  

As for today, I'm going to be working hard to prep for the week ahead.  Meal planning, getting my new math curriculum prepared for the new week, reorganizing all our bookshelves since our Scholastic order just arrived, and finishing up the boys' laundry.  

Happy Sunday!

Joy in The Form of Boys

 Been a rough couple of days here... Hitting the one week mark on Tuesday was tough, and my emotions have been all over the map.  But through it all, the one thing that has put a smile on my face is these boys.

Oh man I love them so much.  Snuggling them to bed tonight, rubbing backs, whispering prayers and kissing foreheads was just what I needed to end the week.

I am so grateful for these joyful boys of mine.

The Happiness Project :: PASSION :: November

This month's happiness goal area is Passion. I am passionate about a number of things.  Namely happiness, homemaking, blogging & reading.  So those will guide this months' goals.

1) Read For Pleasure

My goal is to read for at least 6 minutes everyday.  It has been shown that reading for pleasure for only six minutes each day noticeably increases happiness.  Following October's goal of reading four books, I am still working on #4, which was Outlander, and this goal will help me reach October's goal, albeit a bit late.

2) Capture Everyday Life

I want to have my camera out and capture the "boring" everydayness of our life.  I want to capture more smiles, more brother moments, more happiness.  I also want to remember/write down fun & silly moments.

3) Blog Freely

After capturing my everyday boringness, I want to share it with you all.  I want to feel free to write whatever I want.  And I want to write about what I'm passionate about.  Two things come to mind when I talk about writing & passion together. One is, the truth.  The raw, ugly, sometimes uncomfortable truth (which is exactly what I've been doing since I lost my pregnancy); and I also want to share little known twin facts & bust myths that exist regarding twins.  

4) Write Down One Thing I Love About Myself Everyday

I have had this list of "Passion" goals written in a notebook since last April when I started my Happiness Project, but especially in light of the miscarriage, I find that writing down something I love about myself is really important.  I am doubting my body, doubting my worth, questioning my value and hating my physical appearance.  With this month's goal being passions, I want to focus on things I love about me & I want to get kick my self rejection habit.

5) Play A GREAT Song Everyday

On Monday I downloaded a few new songs.  It's ridiculous how happy some good tunes can make me.  We have started listening to music during school; use music as a treat for the boys while they do chores (putting away laundry, cleaning their playroom); and I always have something playing while I'm in the shower.  The right music can lift my mood and put a bounce in my step.  So I'm going to keep the trend going this month and pump the jams!

6) Don't Save/Hoard

I want to trust in bounty.  I tend to slowly dole out projects for the boys, and candles or scentsy for myself.  No more.  I want to use the cute stationary, wear the pretty jewelry and burn the delicious candles.  

"Don't save things for a special occasion.

Everyday of your life is a special occasion."

-Thomas S. Monson

***

Every Feeling

When I met with the chaplain at the hospital in Anchorage, he gave me a soft lavender folder full of resources for women who have lost pregnancies and babies.  I didn't open the packet until a few days after I was home.  But when I did, I was glad that I had.  There was a pamphlet inside that said every feeling was an acceptable feeling to have after a miscarriage.

That little sentence has made the last week a lot easier.  If I feel happy, I let myself feel happy. If I feel sad, I let myself feel sad. It sounds simple, but it was hard at first.

I keep thinking that I am pregnant. I went to eat tuna for the second day in a row, and had to remind myself that I could, because I'm not pregnant anymore.  I had a sore neck the other day and as I reached for the Tylenol, I reminded myself that I could take ibuprofen, since I'm not pregnant anymore.  Some of my life is easier now that I'm not pregnant. Feeling that way makes me feel guilty.  But it's a simple fact. Being pregnant is a lot of work.

In addition to some relief, I have also found myself extraordinarily sad for the boys.  I feel awful that I am not going to give them that baby they want so badly.  You should see them ogle over Daniel Tiger's baby sister Margaret.  They talk about her all.the.time.

I have also been angry.  Angry that I had to go through that alone.  Angry that other people who are less careful have pregnancies that are sustained.  Angry that when I went in for my D&C they asked me if it was an abortion or a loss.  Isn't there somewhere in the paperwork they could jot that down?

I've been embarrassed-- that I was excited; that i didn't see this coming; that I actually thought the pregnancy would produce a baby, another child for us, as easily as the first pregnancies did.  Embarrassed that I thought miscarriages happened to other people, not to me.

I have been terrified by the thought of trying again.  Scared out of my mind imagining facing this heartache twice, and wondering how in the world women do it.  I have been equally terrified, however, by the thought of not trying. Terrified that fear will win.

I have been overwhelmed.  The smallest tasks, paying a bill, making a phone call, cooking my family dinner, seems akin to climbing Mt. Everest.  When Josh gets home I tell him all I've gotten done each day, and its embarrassingly little.  Thankfully he doesn't mind.  But I do.

I have been irritated.  Problems other people are facing, or things other people are doing can seem to me (in my hormone impacted state) to be of less importance than what I'm facing (or have faced).

I have audibly gasped when I open my t-shirt drawer faced with brand new maternity shirts that I no longer need, or opened my spice cupboard faced with prenatal vitamins my body no longer requires, or go to put on my make up and see the pregnancy test that I smiled at every morning as I spread foundation on my glowing face.  I now get ready for the day in yoga pants, my budding baby belly now a burlap sack that hangs lazily over my pants, no life within.  My face, once glowing and clear is now pale & acne covered.  The stress & sadness obviously visible.

And strangely alongside all these emotions, I have been grateful.  Grateful for the support I've received.  Grateful for the stories (and pain) shared by those who've been through it.  Grateful for Josh's love and neverending ability to listen & actually hear me.  But most of all, I've been grateful for the boys I have.  Grateful that for some reason I didn't lose the twins. Or Wyatt. Grateful that they were born healthy and that I get to wake up to them every morning and put them to bed every night.  

At the end of each day I find myself exhausted because, well, because of all the feels.  But it's a good kind of exhausted.  As every emotion bubbles to the surface, I say hello... sometimes I hug it... and then I let it go.  It's not ideal. Sometimes it's hard. But it works.

I listened to Dierks Bentley's song Riser today, and it brought me to tears.

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder

You don't have to worry anymore

This old world is cold and getting colder

And I know how to lock and bolt the door.

I'm strong enough to hold you through the winter

Mean enough to stare your demons down

The hard times put the shine into the diamond

I won't let that keep us in the ground.

***

Here's hoping these hard times produce some diamonds.

Grateful

 It's appropriate for November that I am starting the month finding things to be grateful for.  
With every cloud, I am finding a silver lining.  
After every rain shower, a rainbow.

The loss of this pregnancy has been really hard, but life has been boiled down to the basics.  I am extraordinarily grateful for my boys, their still needing me, the great distraction they provide & the direction they give my life.  I am also grateful for Josh, for holding down the fort while I was gone, for being an amazing father, and an incredible husband.

Over the course of the week I have been humbled by humanity.  Just when you start to think it's a dog eat dog world out there, something happens and kindness springs up everywhere. It's wonderful & humbling to me the number of people who helped me while I was in Anchorage and who have offered up their support, love & prayers in the time since.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing my November Happiness Project goals, which include my getting in touch with my passions.  I love November because it's my birthday month, and I am excited to focus on my passions as I turn another year older and work to focus on gratitude this month of Thanksgiving.

***

Finally Home

The whole time we were looking for a heartbeat, I was thinking of all my friends who'd lost pregnancies...  I tried to channel the strength and hope I had seen in them.  I was grateful to be able to draw strength from so many amazing women.

I needed it.

***

When I got back to the clinic from my sonogram, I was checked into the hospital for my surgery.  The nurses were amazing-- One loaned me her phone charger since I didn't have mine.  Another tracked down my car keys from the valet and made sure my rental was parked in a safe place.  Another picked up my prescription for me from the pharmacy, taking my cash & paying for it.  Meanwhile, I was on the phone trying to change my flights home and rearrange my plans for the following day.

Once all the details were sorted out, they started my IV and wheeled me off to the operating room.  There I was given oxygen & IV anesthesia.  The last thing I remember is putting my hand over my belly and saying goodbye to the baby.

I awoke to a new nurse by my side, holding my hand.  Together we called Josh to tell him I had come out of surgery okay.  I was nauseous, super thirsty because I had been intubated during the D&C, my legs/arms felt weird and for a period of time I couldn't walk.

I stayed over night at the hospital for observation since I didn't know anyone in Anchorage and they didn't want to release me on my own to my hotel room.  Plus with the rental car, I would've had to drive myself, and that wasn't a good idea after being put under.

***

And so it is that I spent the night, alone, in a hospital 400 miles from home, having said goodbye to my baby, and getting surgery without so much as a soul I knew beside me.

The hospital had a chaplain that came into my room to talk to me before I went to sleep.  

He read to me Psalms 121:

"I lift my eyes up to the mountains-

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your coming and going

From this time forth."

~

As wonderful as the nurses and the chaplain were, I just found myself missing Josh.  I ached for him to be there, to hold my hand, to tell me it would all be okay.  I just wanted him to hold me as I sobbed and brush the tears off my cheeks.

Instead I limped through the night, sleeping in half hours spurts, and the next morning at 5am I was discharged.  I changed out of my hospital gown and into my clothes from the day before, geared up in my hat, scarf & gloves, and drove my exhausted self back to my hotel so I could gather my luggage, return my rental car & catch my plane.

I wasn't supposed to be on my feet, up & around less than 24 hours after my procedure,  let alone traveling on two planes across Alaska toting 60+ pounds of luggage. But I was blessed by person after person who was willing to help me.  I never had to touch my luggage once. Everywhere I went, people jumped in to assist.

My first flight was less than two hours and honestly, I dozed through most of it.  I was done being sad for the moment, and I let the sheer exhaustion of all I had been through sweep over me.

The wait in Bethel for my second flight was half an hour, which is unheard of.
It was such a blessing to me.

Less than an hour later, I was home.

For the most part since I got home, I have had peace about the loss.  I am sad, and certain things will hit me, but being home, surrounded by my boys, has been the ultimate in healing.  They know nothing of what transpired while I was gone beyond knowing I was in the hospital.  Their ignorance is bliss for me.  They just want to play with me and hug me and talk to me.

And right now that's exactly what I need.

The journey

After my appointment, I was left with an hour to wait until my follow up sonogram to confirm the loss.  I took that time to call Josh, Julie & my mom.  "They couldn't find a heartbeat," I got out before crying silently into the phone each time.  We all, obviously, hoped the follow up sonogram would reveal otherwise, but I had accepted that the baby was gone.

As I left the elevator bay on the way to my rental car, I passed the Gift Shop with onesies hung in the windows.  It was like taking a punch to the gut.  Tiny, adorable reminders of what I wasn't going to have.

After crying a bit more in a private nook of the waiting room, I actually decided to brave the gift shop because I knew that if the baby was gone I would be spending my afternoon getting a D&C, not shopping for treats for the boys as I had promised. 

So I perused the selection and chose some pullback planes and sticker books for them.  I also found a Willow Tree figurine that I thought was perfect for remembering this sweet baby of mine.

***

Back to the beginning...

{Marshall, to the right, from the air
The Yukon River to the left}

Flying out was really difficult. 

It feels always unnatural to leave my children.  

I shed tears every time.

 But once I was in the air, I remembered I had that sweet little baby in me, and that after just a few days away I'd be able to tell the boys about a new sibling joining our family.

 I waited hours in Bethel, kicking off my snow pants & boots,

 eating take out pizza,

 and reading (finally!) Outlander.

That was all the fun I had.  By the same time the next day, all my fun plans would be out the window.  Including getting myself a new phone,  shopping for more clothes at Motherhood maternity, placing a bush order for groceries at Walmart, and eating out.

I had left my kids sick with some kind of respiratory flu, left Josh missing work, and it was hard to wish I was there while going through what was to come.

A Letter To My Baby

Dear #4...

Sweet, sweet baby.  You are a much wanted, much loved addition to our family, and we are all excited for your arrival.  Your brothers don’t know yet that you are coming, but the twins have both requested a baby, Logan even wants two!  Wyatt says we can’t have a baby cause there’s not a place for you, but once we told him we could put you in the crib, he thought that would work.  He’s so funny!

I am excited to have a baby while I have big boys who can help and enjoy your babyness with me. I am excited to have a baby to focus on and give love to while your daddy works hard for our family like he does. I am excited to feel you move inside me, to kiss your forehead as you lay on my chest, and to nurse you like I did Wyatt, until you are a sleepy lump in my arms. There is so much to anticipate and look forward to with a new baby on the way.

I can’t believe I am already 10 weeks along.  I am a quarter of the way there. In May I will have another little baby.  Four children.  All I ever wanted in my life was to marry my own Prince Charming and be a mommy.  The fact that all my kids are so amazing makes the whole mommy part better than I ever imagined.  Those three brothers you have, and you (!) are the biggest blessings of my life.  I thank God everyday for the blessing of being your mommy.

This has been my healthiest pregnancy. I am exercising and not drinking any caffeine (except today—your brothers were sick in the night).  I haven’t missed a prenatal vitamin in months, and I am drinking tons of water. I have a very low stress level, as I am very much enjoying homeschooling your brothers and being a stay at home mommy. It’s what I always dreamed of.

I love that the hard work I put in when Logan & Jack were babies is continuing to pay off in that I have never had to leave Wyatt to go to work, and I will never have to leave you.  Being a stay-at-home mom is challenging, don’t get me wrong, and there are days that are beyond challenging, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  What I am doing at home with you is the most rewarding work with the biggest pay off.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

Little one, you are growing inside me. One inch right now, and am so excited that my body can grow you. So keep growing, okay? Stay healthy, and come see me in May.  You have three brothers and one amazing daddy who all want to see you.

I love you.

Love, your mommy

{written October 27, 2014}

#4

What this post was going to say:

Instead it says this:

On Monday afternoon I caught a flight out of the village, headed for Anchorage where on Tuesday morning I would attend prenatal orientation, followed by my first prenatal appointment.  After a long day spent traveling, I fell into bed at 1:30am, anxious for the following morning.

I awoke Tuesday nervous for navigating the city and finding where I was going in the large Anchorage Providence complex.  I gave myself plenty of time and spent my first hour in a rundown of pregnancy in Alaska with nurse Anne.

After this hour, I finally got to meet with Lyn, my Certified Nurse Midwife, who was going to do an exam, as well as an internal ultrasound.  I was so excited to confirm that it was just one bambino in there.  But as I lay on the table and she inserted the wand, her face looked concerned.  Then worried. Then just sad.  

She couldn't find a heartbeat. And instead of measuring 10 weeks 1 day, the baby was measuring 9 weeks 1 day.  It wasn't looking good.  She sent me from her office to Advanced Sonograms of Alaska to confirm what she suspected.  

***

Turns out she was right.

My baby's heart was broken.

And now mine is too.

***

More to come...

Ending the Week Well

 Two highlights this week:

1) Tucking Wyatt back in before I went to bed (I always find him askew in his sheets with no blankets on) and he, still asleep, wrapped his chubby little arms around my neck, tight as could be, and whispered, "I love you, mommy."  

2) This note from Jack.

"Mom is the best mom.

Mom lets us watch

TV. Mom is the

best."

{Me with my white board note from Jack;
and Wyatt talking on the phone to my mom.}

 ***

 The snow has been slowly building over the last few days.

And now it's got a serious layer.  

The snow machines are out.

People are happy!

 I took the boys for a walk in it. 

It was cold & windy, but the snow was sparkly and beautiful and magical, and I was so glad we got out.

***

In homeschool, we did an oil & water experiment, and the boys loved it!

{Baby oil & dyed water}

***

 The sunrises with the clouds and the snow have been breathtaking.  Every morning the boys and I rush to the window as the sun rises so we can see the show.

***

 Josh's mom sent pumpkins and my boys are very excited to decorate them this week!  We are very ready for Halloween!

***

 The colder weather has meant longer days inside.  Lots of couch snuggling, movie watching and game playing.  The new favorite in our house is Charlotte's Web.  They particularly like Templeton.

***

We got our workout machine!

We spent some of our PFD money (oil money from the state of Alaska) on a two-in-one eliptical/recumbent bike.  We absolutely love it and I think it's going to make getting exercise so much easier.

We are not the only ones who enjoy it. The twins are HUGE fans.  Logan spent quiet time on Thursday working out.  He got all sweaty and was so proud of himself!

***

The boys are dying to play with "little legos" (as opposed to the Duplo legos we have) and I have to be honest, my mom feet are just not ready.  But this week, with day after day spent stuck inside, I have allowed them to play with the one baggie of little legos that we have.  I have indeed stepped on a few, but the joy it brings them to create things has outweighed my aggravation.  

I am not fully committed to switching to little legos, but this little bit of practice has been good for the boys.

***

 Last year, in May, the boys' bedroom curtain rod fell down. It was a cheap rod, so I just taped the curtain over the window, knowing in the fall I would take care of it.

So when we got here I ordered a new curtain rod from Target and when it came, Josh put it up.  The boys' bedroom window now opens.  And they have a view. Of the river!  See? 

They also have a view of the base of Mt. Pilcher.  (To the right) See?

Such lucky boys! We LOVE having the extra light upstairs. 

***

 After a rough beginning to the week (Monday & Tuesday were exhausting!) I was glad to wrap up the week feeling peaceful.  I feel like I magically hit a groove, and it's a good thing.

Heading into the last week of October, I am celebrating.  I'm celebrating that I've made it through what was a tough month last year.  I'm celebrating that homeschool is going really well.  I'm celebrating that these are the last few weeks before my 32nd birthday.  

So much joy!

***