Throwing My Uterus Away

Well, I did it.
I got rid of my week-by-week baby, pregnancy & infant sleep books.
It basically felt like throwing my uterus away.

Alright, that's dramatic.
But also, accurate.

So, we're done.  Handing them to the man at the local Goodwill, was basically the same as handing the surgeon my fertility.  Glad to have that finished.

For a while after I had Carly (basically until she was about a year and a half) I still had occasional thoughts about having a fifth child... but now I feel total peace about the size of our family.  Four is it. We're good.  I am so blessed by our three boys and by our one girl.  The only thing (seriously, the only thing) that gives me pause is the fact that Carly will not have a sister.  But I console myself with the fact that some of my best friends don't have sisters. She'll just find really good friends.

Afternoons are when my life tends to be the craziest.  The boys get home from school and they're emptying backpacks and telling me about their day and asking for help with homework while Carly is getting into everything and tantruming that I won't let her draw on Wyatt's Parent Chat folder... and it's in those moments I know I have a little more than all I can handle. Also, when they're all sick, one after the other.  That's a lot for one mama to handle.

How did you know (or do you know yet???) that you were done having babies?  For me, finally knowing (and having complete peace about it) has been such a gift because it has allowed two things.  One, it has allowed me to get rid of all the baby things easily.  (Baby saucer? Buh-bye! Baby bath? See-ya-later!) And two, it has allowed me to really cherish every stage Carly has entered and left.  I know it will end (both the good, and the bad) so I can enjoy the good, and laugh my way through the bad, which has been really nice.

I did love being pregnant, and I'm sad about never being pregnant again. And I'm sad to never nurse another baby.  But I won't regret not having a fourth c-section and I'm so glad to know I'll never experience post-partum anxiety or migraines ever again.  Those were kind of the worst.

It's weird, though.  I was telling my mom, I spent my whole life dreaming of having babies and being a mom and POOF! In less than ten years, that chapter of my life is over. (Not the being a mom part, but the 'having babies' part.)  I'm sure glad I enjoyed it while it lasted!

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Pregnancy Loss Awareness

When I had my first miscarriage in October of 2014, I remember so distinctly the people who sent cards & gifts, and who were willing to talk about my lost baby and my subsequent lost dreams in the weeks after.  My Uncle Steve sent a card to let me know he was thinking of me; my friend Katie sent a care package with pajamas and slippers, and my sister & friend Kari texted constantly, telling me not to lose hope.  Those messages of love & support after my loss meant the world to me.  

Thinking back on the village that surrounded me during that time has inspired me to create a new line of cards in my Etsy shop specifically for pregnancy loss & miscarriage.  It's such a taboo topic that many women go through this heartbreaking life experience not only feeling empty from the lost life that once warmed their wombs, but also from the lack of love & understanding they receive from those around them.

Let me say this, I know it's hard to know what to say.  

But let me also tell you this, 

it's not so much what you say as it is the heart behind it.  

For instance, when my friend told me "Maybe it just wasn't the right time", I felt the love behind those words and took them as comfort.  When my counselor told me, "Maybe mama just wasn't ready for another baby", I felt angry and frustrated that she didn't understand.  The difference was that my friend was trying to comfort me whereas the counselor was giving me platitudes in hopes of making me move on.  

So my advice to you? Say something. Anything.  Even a simple, "I'm thinking of you" can mean so much as a mama traverses the rocky road of miscarriage.  Reach out and feel free to talk about the pregnancy, the baby and would-have-been future.  Sharing our grief lightens our load.  Also don't be afraid to talk about the future.  I had a hard time imagining future pregnancies after my initial loss (I had two subsequent pregnancies-- one that ended in another miscarriage and one that ended with Carly!) so hearing other people talk about the future reminded me that these feelings, this sense of loss, would not last forever.  There was hope on the horizon.  (Thank you, Kari, for all those talks!)

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, I will be sharing one miscarriage post every day this week.  These are posts I've written over time in the three years since my loss.  Every woman's journey is different and I think it's important that we know we aren't alone as we experience the loss of our babies.  

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Love Yourself

 As I count down the final ten days of the Summer Slimdown Challenge, I am going to be sharing on Instagram & Facebook (and here on the blog) ten Success Snapshots.  They are the ten things that lead to my success in losing twenty pounds in 8 weeks & feeling a whole heck of a lot better about myself.

Today's Success Snapshot is Love Yourself. 

Know that you have value & are beautiful at every weight & shape. I've been joyful at 215lbs. and I've been miserable at 156lbs. The number doesn't matter-- it's how you feel about yourself that matters. 

"You are altogether beautiful, my love. 

There is no flaw in you." 

-Song of Solomon 4:7

 Since starting this journey toward a healthier, trimmer me, I have found that making myself a priority, taking time to eat right and work out, has made me a happier mama as well as a happier wife.  When I take care of me, and love myself where I am, everyone around me benefits.

 Another aspect of my journey has been body acceptance.  No matter how much weight I lose, I will have stretch marks from three pregnancies, multiple c-section scars and a very funny looking belly button thanks to my laparoscopic gallbladder removal.  But after suffering those miscarriages two years ago, I appreciate my body more than ever for the beautiful, healthy babies it's provided and the strong, healthy pregnancies it did sustain.

So wherever you are starting, love yourself.  Love your body for its ability to hear your loved ones say "I love you" and to walk you out into nature.  Love your body for waking you up in the morning and giving you the gift of another day.

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The Bleakness of Winter

"There seems to be something miraculous 

about seeing the relentless optimism 

of new growth after the bleakness of winter." 

-J. Moyes

Thanksgiving

After years of hosting Thanksgiving in Alaska, I got a break this year when the boys and I attended Thanksgiving at my mom's house.  It was a fun, laid back day with more than enough good food to go around!  The only thing missing was Josh.

My sister is so sweet and says she always has the best pictures when I'm around.  So we have taken advantage of being together this year, and nearly every time we are together, I try to snap pictures of at least her kids, if not her entire family.  

Aren't they beautiful people?

In addition to spending time with their cousins, my boys were overjoyed to spend time with this little kitty my mom found in her backyard the night before Thanksgiving!

Roxanne returns the favor of the pictures by taking mine. I'm so grateful!

***

Carly at 37 Weeks

{35 Weeks}

So I am 37 weeks today.  Which means if this were the twins' pregnancy, I'd be having a baby (or two) today.  And if this were Wyatt's pregnancy, I'd still have a MONTH to go.  But this isn't Logan, Jack or Wyatt's pregnancy-- it's Carly's and that means I have two weeks left.  (Eee!!!)

{36 Weeks: Photo Credit goes to Jack Cunningham}

That's right, we finally got the c-section (my third) scheduled.  Sunday January 24th is the day, so long as Josh makes it in the day before as planned.  

{32 Weeks}

For the most part, my pregnancy has given me very little to complain about-- nausea the first trimester (but no puking), heartburn in the second trimester (easily handled with Maalox), and low back pain (off & on) throughout (which I've addressed with chiropractic care).  

Until I hit 36 weeks, that is-- now I have occasional nausea & heartburn; pretty consistent low back pain; plus swollen feet, legs & hands.  I'm semi-miserable at this point.  

Thankfully the end is in sight!

{35 Weeks}

In addition to some physical discomfort, I've been having really vidid dreams.  I dreamed about Josh getting a job in a scary place; about leaving Wyatt to fend for himself at a high school; that Wyatt was hit by a car (which was super terrible, totally realistic & bloody) along with a slew of other randomly disturbing things.  

And I'm not the only one-- Josh dreamed he was in a plane crash and woke up on impact, and Jack dreamed he got lost cause I left him and his brothers at the store.

The terrible dreams are overwhelming!  I am more than ready for them to quit!

*

{Grandpa Jerry, me & Grandma Pansy}

{35 Weeks}

{35 Weeks}

I feel like from 35 to 37, I have really popped, and my belly is hilariously large.  I mean, compared to the twin pregnancy it still seems small & manageable, but it is really, really obvious that I'm expecting, and pretty much every stranger I meet comments on it, usually asking if it's another boy.

No, I assure them, it's not another boy (although I do still wonder...) ultrasound confirmed it's a girl.  And one that I am now entirely prepared for.  Between our storage unit, my baby shower, random gifts dropped off by friends, hand-me-downs generously given and a few small shopping trips myself, we are ready!

All over my room for the last month there have been piles of pink & purple laundry.  Today I plan to sort (by size) the last of it, and then pack my hospital bag for her arrival.  

I am so curious what size she will be.  The twins were (Logan) 4lbs. 6 oz. and (Jack) 6lbs. 13oz. and Wyatt was 8lbs. 14 and a half ounces.  I'm imagining she will be somewhere in the sevens... but only time will tell!

I am also curious what she will look like, and particularly what color her hair (if she has any) will be.  The twins were born with red hair that stayed until 4 months.  Then it all fell out, and grew back in white-blonde.  Wyatt was born with dark brown hair and lots of it.  So Carly could have anything!

Her kicks lately have been taken up a notch!  We were Facetiming yesterday when Josh got to see one of her better kicks, up high under my rib cage, and he said it looks like she's trying to get out.  My favorite movements right now are the ones where it feels like she's stretching and wiggling either her toes or fingers.  It's so precious, and all too fleeting.

We're so excited to meet you, Carly May!

The 24th can't come soon enough!

***

Daddy's Home & Christmas is Near

 Josh got home last weekend after bad weather had him stuck in the village for a little over 12 hours.  Thankfully he got out and managed to find room on all the other flights he needed!  I was overjoyed to see his face & bring him home late Saturday night.  Sunday was a family day-- we just hung out, Josh made pizza (with help from our littles) and we watched the Seahawks game. (And by "we" I mean Josh and the boys, because I went upstairs and took a nap. It was lovely.)

Monday we went to get a Christmas tree and on the way, we stopped at our favorite swimming spot to check out the rising waters.  It was crazy to see how all our favorite "jumping" rocks were under water.  During the severe flooding the waters rose all the way into the parking lot, as you can see in the pictures below. 

Tuesday we went to see my grandparents at the coast and enjoyed a lovely few hours visiting and catching up with them before heading back home.  My grandpa seems so great-- up & about with no dizziness and not as tired as he's been in the past.  (Yay!)  My grandma also seems good-- happy to see the grandkids and relieved the flooding they had in town is gone! (Double yay!)

Yesterday the boys decorated rice krispie treats with their cousins & grandma in the morning, and then went for their dentist appointments in the afternoon.  After that I was able to sneak away to dinner & a movie with my parents to celebrate my mom's birthday.  It was so nice to be out with other grown ups, knowing the boys were perfectly content (ecstatic may actually be a better word) to be spending the evening with their beloved daddy.  

Today I went to the chiropractor (we're still working at keeping my low back pain under control) and the grocery store to pick up ingredients for cinnamon rolls which we will make this afternoon.  

I am about a month from meeting my little girl (which seems unreal) and the third trimester exhaustion has hit with full force.  I find it very difficult to keep my eyes open, but when I lay down to go to sleep I find that I can't get comfortable or  I have to go to the bathroom or my Restless Leg Syndrome (which is made worse by pregnancy) makes it impossible to fall asleep.  Nonetheless, I am trying to get as much rest as possible because I know it will only get worse once she's here. 

I feel smaller this pregnancy than with the other two at this point.  That's a nice feeling.  Although it's still really hard to move around at eight and a half months pregnant!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday & I'll be back soon to report on ours!

(Now for pictures-- here's the river...)

 

(See the water line from the bad flooding?)

***

And here are pregnancy pics for fun:

34 Weeks with Carly

34 Weeks with Logan & Jack

34 Weeks with Wyatt

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And Christmas Tree Farm pictures: