3 Weeks Until We're Reunited For Good

I couldn't remember if I ever shared these (very blurry) pictures from our last airport pick up (in March).  I let the boys come along this time, since it wasn't late at night, and they were SO happy!!!

In three short weeks our family will be reunited for good!

While we don't know yet what the future holds for our family, we are content in the meantime to imagine waking up next to each other.  Just being together is enough for now.

Separation Anxiety

Since Josh left last time, about two weeks ago, Wyatt has been GLUED to my side.  He barely wants me to go to the bathroom without him, much less doctor appointments or errands.  It's honestly been a bit suffocating.  I have been able, thankfully, to find extra reserves of patience for him, but I am more than ready for this separation anxiety to be a thing of the past.

He calls out, "Mom?" to assess my whereabouts each day more times than I can count.  (Literally, probably fifty times.) And often when I'm not nearby, by the time he finds me (usually downstairs) he has tears in his eyes.

I talked to him at length about it one day and he said that he doesn't want to be without me because I'm the only grown up.  We talked more and surmised that he means "parent".  I'm the only parent. He's got me there. I am the only parent here currently.  And it's hard on both of us.

I'm not sure why this last departure of Josh's has been so hard on Wyatt specifically, but I feel the same way.  It hasn't gotten any easier being without him.  And the home stretch for some reason feels particularly long.

With the help of loved ones who care about Wyatt, I am inching away from him and trying to give him back his independence.  And, fingers crossed, when Josh gets back he'll be back to his old, confident self.

A bit fragile

Oh my gosh you guys. 

How has it been nearly a month since I last blogged?  

Time just keeps slipping on by.  

Carly is now nine weeks old and she regularly smiles and coos at us. It melts us one and all.  Josh was just home for a visit along with some medical appointments, and while it was so good to see him, his departures always leave us feeling a bit fragile.

The future for our family is currently unclear.  He's applying for jobs from Alaska to North Dakota to Texas and we're just praying God puts us exactly where we're meant to be.  At this point, as long as we're together under one roof, we'll be happy.

I did manage to figure out Carly's insurance, if not perfectly.  Since I missed the window on signing her up under Josh's health insurance plan at work, I had to sign her up for Washington state health care.  They retro-dated it for me so she's covered from birth forward, which is such a blessing.  But it means finding her a new doctor, at a different clinic and that's bumming me out big time.

I guess most of my time is spent doing the ins and outs raising four kids by myself.  From the minute my eyes open, it's go-go-go.  We're making beds and getting dressed to get downstairs for breakfast.  Then it's a shower for me, getting ready for the day and starting homeschool.

Homeschooling the last month has been kicking my ass.  It's hard.  So so hard.  Feeling torn between taking care of Carly, being patient with the twins, and keeping Wyatt occupied can make my head spin.  My enthusiasm for teaching has taken a turn and at this point we're just checking things off the list.  The one thing we're all still enjoying is read aloud, so we're doing lots of that to keep spirits up.

In more positive news, Carly is doing great.  She's breastfeeding & sleeping like a champ, weighing in at 11 and a half pounds and giving me six hours of sleep at a stretch.  Her being so easy is my biggest blessing.  I just love holding her as she sleeps, wearing her in my sling, and snuggling her as she smiles when she first wakes up.  She's truly my sunshine.  

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Struggling

Josh and I have spent every evening this week Face Timing and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of as he works to wrap up five years of living in Marshall.  That's right.  Our adventure in rural Alaska is over.  

Now we are on to the difficult tasks of: finding a job elsewhere and downsizing all our earthly belongings into the number of blue Rubbermaid totes we have in our laundry room in Marshall.  

Last night as we sat sorting through the boys' homeschool stuff, Josh in our dining room in Alaska, me in my in-law's upstairs office-turned-bedroom in Washington nursing Carly, I burst into tears.  This is hard.  It's hard being away from him.  It's hard "packing" while I'm not there.  It's hard to have someone else (even if it's your beloved husband) sort through things for you.  It's hard to make the decisions I'm having to make.  

But just when I was feeling really down about the whole thing, I thought how lucky I am, really, that I am here and he is there.  Because if I was there, I'd have been doing the sorting & packing all myself instead of holding our sweet baby daughter.  If I was there, we'd have to take into account what the kids and myself would need to use/play with for the next three months.  Since it's just Josh there, he can sort and sell and pack whatever he wants cause we're not there to need it.  These are the silver linings I'm clinging to.

I'm not the only one struggling and wishing for this school year to be over.  Last night Wyatt wandered into my room around 10pm, tears in his eyes, looking for a lap to climb into.  I shifted little sister to one side and hugged them both tight while we all cried a bit.  He's just "sad dad's not here" he says.  That's all.  And there's nothing I can do to fix it. So I hug him.  And I cry with him.  And I tell him that I agree... It stinks.

We're on the downhill slide-- he'll be home for a visit soon and then we only have two months more... but honestly it feels like it'll be forever till we're living together again.  And if it feels like forever to me... I can't imagine how it feels for Wyatt or his brothers.  

I guess I keep expecting it to hurt less, for me to miss him less, for it to suck less... but it doesn't.  I haven't gotten used to being without him.  I still hate it.  And that makes each day feel particularly long.

I'd appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement as we push through this last bit of time being apart.  Not knowing what the future holds for our family is stressful; and days like yesterday & today, being apart feels simply unbearable.  

One Month Old

These rainbow babies are no joke.  The joy that Carly brings into my life feels immeasurably brighter because of the losses I suffered before her.  Just holding her in my arms, the weight of her body against mine, feels like a miracle.  It is the best feeling in the whole world.

I have been thinking back the last few days, to those dark, dark times in Marshall when I had just lost the first baby and was trying to be strong & grateful for the boys I had...  I was so sad. So hollow.  So empty.  My womb had literally been scraped out and all of me felt raw because of it.

I had no idea (how could I???) of the good that was to come.  Of the triumphs that would follow the trials...  It feels so good to be on this side of it now.

Carly has been here with us for a month now.  It's just like everyone says-- it feels impossible that it's been that long; and it also feels like she's been part of our family forever. 

She's mastered nursing, sans nipple shield, and is gaining 10 ounces each week (grow baby grow!), making mama so proud & relieved.  She is so close to smiling at us, we can hardly stand it.  I am dying for the boys to evoke a grin from her, as I think they might explode from excitement when that day finally comes!

She sleeps every night from 10 until 3, give or take.  Then she eats like a little champ, and we sleep again until brothers come in at 6:30 to tell us the light has turned green.  I am so grateful she sleeps, as I am sure that's the only reason I am managing this whole "solo parenting four kids" thing.  (Well, that and the amazing help I've gotten from the "village" that surrounds us-- my parents, Josh's parents, our sisters, my friends... They've all gone above & beyond to carry me through this tough post partum time without Josh.)

She loves to be worn in the sling, enjoys riding in the car as long as we don't stop, and is the most alert baby anyone has ever seen. (Or at least so they tell me.)  

But most importantly, she is loved.  She is loved by her parents, her brothers, her extended family and by all of you who walked beside me through those dark times of loss.  Thank you for loving our girl.  And for carrying me through the storm to this rainbow on the other side.  

What an incredible journey.

This Week (Week One Without Daddy)

The last two days have been emotionally tough.  Not for me with the baby, but for me with the big boys.  This guy especially is having a hard time with daddy gone this time. I'm not sure if it's because Josh was home three weeks this time, or if it's because my attention is even further divided now that there are four kids... but it seems that every emotion he has is on steroids.  Happy is HAPPY and sad is SAD.  It's been a challenging week of parenting him. And his brothers, really.

Thankfully our adjustment back to school and life without dad has been pretty seamless.  Josh's mom (we're living with his parents currently) has stepped in big time to help me with meals and laundry and care for the boys and I am healing up from surgery well.  Both those things together have made for a good, routine week following Josh's departure.

But I can feel that each of our boys is on edge emotionally and it hurts my heart for them.  To help, I am trying to keep my expectations clear, my empathy high and my parenting consistent.  It's tough, but I know we'll get through this.

 In more joyful news, sister is gaining weight!  From last week's breastfeeding class to this week's breastfeeding class, she had gained ten ounces!  So she's weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz.  I'm no longer pumping at all or supplementing the pumped breast milk, and she is completely off the nipple shield as well.  So things with Carly & nursing are on the up & up.

 More good news-- she's sleeping!  She goes down around 10 at night and sleeps until 2.  Wakes up and eats and gets changed, then goes back to sleep from 3 to 6am.  It's such a beautiful thing and I am so so grateful.

 She's a great sleeper, but when she's awake, she is so alert!  Everyone comments on it, and I find it's true.  She'll just loooook all around and take it all in.  It's adorable.

Sidenote: I still love dressing her.  Every day.  Even her pajamas get me excited.  I do wonder if it will ever get old... I figure maybe after seven years of dressing a girl I'll get tired of it, since I had only boys to dress for seven years. ;)

Speaking of the twins, they took me out to donuts on Monday with their allowance.  It was completely their idea and it made me feel so loved.  Despite their own emotions about Josh being gone, they've been very aware of my feelings and checking on me to make sure I'm not feeling sad.  It makes me feel like I must be doing something right to be raising such empathetic souls.

And they aren't only good to me.  They are the best brothers to Carly.  They hold her and rock her and talk to her.  They turn the music on her bouncer or tell me when they think she needs to be changed or held or fed.  I am so grateful for them.  Especially since Josh left-- having their hands to help me out is priceless.  

(She likes to keep an eye on me. hehe)

Aside from Carly growing & sleeping, what's currently making me happy is holding her.  This is how I spend my evenings.  I nurse her, then hold her on my chest while she cat naps before bed.  There is truly nothing like holding a sleeping baby.  It's the cure all for bad moods, sadness or anxiety.  She's such a sweet, sweet bundle; and I can't imagine life without her.

Another happy moment from this week?  Josh got me a new phone!!!  He was supposed to get himself a new phone and send me his old one... but instead he surprised me and when I opened the box, instead of finding his old cell phone, I found about ten Bath & Body Works items (lotion, body spray, bubble bath...) and a brand spanking new iPhone6 in rose gold.  All for me.  Cause he loves me.  He got me the one with all.the.memory, so I immediately downloaded all my music and every app I ever wanted.  I am overjoyed!!!  And feeling quite spoiled!

 I rearranged our room this week and put the Tiffany lamp Josh sent from Alaska on my bedside table. It makes me so happy to hang out in our cozy room now, which is good, cause I spend a lot of time in here feeding Miss Carly & tending to her needs!

It's been a busy, emotional week adjusting, but I have to say, I just feel like every suffering we've gone through has been worth it because of her.  Living without Josh is not what I want for myself or our boys (or Carly) but if we had to do it for this school year in order to get Carly here safely, then I say every tear we've shed has been worth it.  She's so perfect and we're all so happy to have her in our lives.  Each of the boys has independently thanked God during bedtime prayers for giving them a sister and getting her here safely.  They may not understand now what their sacrifice is for, but someday they will, and I believe they, too, will say it was worth it.

*** 

As I said, we're back into school and it's going really well.  I am thankful we had such a steady schedule established early on in the year because it has made getting back into the swing of things really manageable.  I sit at the head of the table with the Boppy & Carly, pretty much nursing the entire time.  I am able to multi task and give lessons while keeping sister fed & happy.  I have to be honest, I was scared about homeschooling with a newborn, but it has been beautiful and so easy.  

As easy as homeschool is, hands down my favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Dinner is done and it's a time when we can really unwind.  The boys get cozy in their pajamas and we all take turns holding Carly and reading bedtime stories.  The twins have really stepped up their read aloud game and read the stories most nights.  Often I spend all of bedtime in the rocking chair nursing the baby, but they know the routine and expectations so well, that I'm able to just sit back while they make bedtime happen.  

Their favorite part of the bedtime routine is bedtime prayers.  That's when Carly and I visit each brother's bed and they get to hold her while they pray, then give her snuggles.  They all just melt when I put her on their pillows next to them.  

 (The night I took these pictures, Wyatt had shared his favorite bubba with Carly...)

(It reminded me of this picture of Wyatt with Jack's bubba when he was a newborn.  So sweet!)

 Carly was making the sweetest noises the other night when Wyatt woke up with a headache and when he heard her, he said, "I love those cute noises she makes."  I just love navigating my kids through the love of a new sibling.  There's nothing else quite like it.  

 I love how involved they want to be in her care (like today when I bathed her and the boys took pictures for me) and the questions they have.  Wyatt asked three days ago when I am going to paint Carly's toenails.  I thought it was the cutest question.  And it made me feel like he totally gets why I was excited to have a daughter.  

 All in all, I'd say this first week solo-parenting four kids without Josh went swimmingly.  Sure, there's room for improvement, but I'm pretty darn happy with how it went & am thanking the stars above for such a smooth transition.

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