When We Were Sick...

sick kids = lots of baby wearing

He fell asleep like that!

So it seems that since Josh left, we have been nothing but sick, sick, sick.  I honestly can't tell if it just feels that way because one cold takes so long to make its rounds among us, or if we're actually sicker than usual, or if I'm just overwhelmed by taking care of all of them when they are sick and I'm on my own... but in any event, it feels like a lot of sickness & I'm pretty much over it.

Here's hoping this last bout was it for a good long time!!!

Struggling

Josh and I have spent every evening this week Face Timing and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of as he works to wrap up five years of living in Marshall.  That's right.  Our adventure in rural Alaska is over.  

Now we are on to the difficult tasks of: finding a job elsewhere and downsizing all our earthly belongings into the number of blue Rubbermaid totes we have in our laundry room in Marshall.  

Last night as we sat sorting through the boys' homeschool stuff, Josh in our dining room in Alaska, me in my in-law's upstairs office-turned-bedroom in Washington nursing Carly, I burst into tears.  This is hard.  It's hard being away from him.  It's hard "packing" while I'm not there.  It's hard to have someone else (even if it's your beloved husband) sort through things for you.  It's hard to make the decisions I'm having to make.  

But just when I was feeling really down about the whole thing, I thought how lucky I am, really, that I am here and he is there.  Because if I was there, I'd have been doing the sorting & packing all myself instead of holding our sweet baby daughter.  If I was there, we'd have to take into account what the kids and myself would need to use/play with for the next three months.  Since it's just Josh there, he can sort and sell and pack whatever he wants cause we're not there to need it.  These are the silver linings I'm clinging to.

I'm not the only one struggling and wishing for this school year to be over.  Last night Wyatt wandered into my room around 10pm, tears in his eyes, looking for a lap to climb into.  I shifted little sister to one side and hugged them both tight while we all cried a bit.  He's just "sad dad's not here" he says.  That's all.  And there's nothing I can do to fix it. So I hug him.  And I cry with him.  And I tell him that I agree... It stinks.

We're on the downhill slide-- he'll be home for a visit soon and then we only have two months more... but honestly it feels like it'll be forever till we're living together again.  And if it feels like forever to me... I can't imagine how it feels for Wyatt or his brothers.  

I guess I keep expecting it to hurt less, for me to miss him less, for it to suck less... but it doesn't.  I haven't gotten used to being without him.  I still hate it.  And that makes each day feel particularly long.

I'd appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement as we push through this last bit of time being apart.  Not knowing what the future holds for our family is stressful; and days like yesterday & today, being apart feels simply unbearable.  

This Week (Week One Without Daddy)

The last two days have been emotionally tough.  Not for me with the baby, but for me with the big boys.  This guy especially is having a hard time with daddy gone this time. I'm not sure if it's because Josh was home three weeks this time, or if it's because my attention is even further divided now that there are four kids... but it seems that every emotion he has is on steroids.  Happy is HAPPY and sad is SAD.  It's been a challenging week of parenting him. And his brothers, really.

Thankfully our adjustment back to school and life without dad has been pretty seamless.  Josh's mom (we're living with his parents currently) has stepped in big time to help me with meals and laundry and care for the boys and I am healing up from surgery well.  Both those things together have made for a good, routine week following Josh's departure.

But I can feel that each of our boys is on edge emotionally and it hurts my heart for them.  To help, I am trying to keep my expectations clear, my empathy high and my parenting consistent.  It's tough, but I know we'll get through this.

 In more joyful news, sister is gaining weight!  From last week's breastfeeding class to this week's breastfeeding class, she had gained ten ounces!  So she's weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz.  I'm no longer pumping at all or supplementing the pumped breast milk, and she is completely off the nipple shield as well.  So things with Carly & nursing are on the up & up.

 More good news-- she's sleeping!  She goes down around 10 at night and sleeps until 2.  Wakes up and eats and gets changed, then goes back to sleep from 3 to 6am.  It's such a beautiful thing and I am so so grateful.

 She's a great sleeper, but when she's awake, she is so alert!  Everyone comments on it, and I find it's true.  She'll just loooook all around and take it all in.  It's adorable.

Sidenote: I still love dressing her.  Every day.  Even her pajamas get me excited.  I do wonder if it will ever get old... I figure maybe after seven years of dressing a girl I'll get tired of it, since I had only boys to dress for seven years. ;)

Speaking of the twins, they took me out to donuts on Monday with their allowance.  It was completely their idea and it made me feel so loved.  Despite their own emotions about Josh being gone, they've been very aware of my feelings and checking on me to make sure I'm not feeling sad.  It makes me feel like I must be doing something right to be raising such empathetic souls.

And they aren't only good to me.  They are the best brothers to Carly.  They hold her and rock her and talk to her.  They turn the music on her bouncer or tell me when they think she needs to be changed or held or fed.  I am so grateful for them.  Especially since Josh left-- having their hands to help me out is priceless.  

(She likes to keep an eye on me. hehe)

Aside from Carly growing & sleeping, what's currently making me happy is holding her.  This is how I spend my evenings.  I nurse her, then hold her on my chest while she cat naps before bed.  There is truly nothing like holding a sleeping baby.  It's the cure all for bad moods, sadness or anxiety.  She's such a sweet, sweet bundle; and I can't imagine life without her.

Another happy moment from this week?  Josh got me a new phone!!!  He was supposed to get himself a new phone and send me his old one... but instead he surprised me and when I opened the box, instead of finding his old cell phone, I found about ten Bath & Body Works items (lotion, body spray, bubble bath...) and a brand spanking new iPhone6 in rose gold.  All for me.  Cause he loves me.  He got me the one with all.the.memory, so I immediately downloaded all my music and every app I ever wanted.  I am overjoyed!!!  And feeling quite spoiled!

 I rearranged our room this week and put the Tiffany lamp Josh sent from Alaska on my bedside table. It makes me so happy to hang out in our cozy room now, which is good, cause I spend a lot of time in here feeding Miss Carly & tending to her needs!

It's been a busy, emotional week adjusting, but I have to say, I just feel like every suffering we've gone through has been worth it because of her.  Living without Josh is not what I want for myself or our boys (or Carly) but if we had to do it for this school year in order to get Carly here safely, then I say every tear we've shed has been worth it.  She's so perfect and we're all so happy to have her in our lives.  Each of the boys has independently thanked God during bedtime prayers for giving them a sister and getting her here safely.  They may not understand now what their sacrifice is for, but someday they will, and I believe they, too, will say it was worth it.

*** 

As I said, we're back into school and it's going really well.  I am thankful we had such a steady schedule established early on in the year because it has made getting back into the swing of things really manageable.  I sit at the head of the table with the Boppy & Carly, pretty much nursing the entire time.  I am able to multi task and give lessons while keeping sister fed & happy.  I have to be honest, I was scared about homeschooling with a newborn, but it has been beautiful and so easy.  

As easy as homeschool is, hands down my favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Dinner is done and it's a time when we can really unwind.  The boys get cozy in their pajamas and we all take turns holding Carly and reading bedtime stories.  The twins have really stepped up their read aloud game and read the stories most nights.  Often I spend all of bedtime in the rocking chair nursing the baby, but they know the routine and expectations so well, that I'm able to just sit back while they make bedtime happen.  

Their favorite part of the bedtime routine is bedtime prayers.  That's when Carly and I visit each brother's bed and they get to hold her while they pray, then give her snuggles.  They all just melt when I put her on their pillows next to them.  

 (The night I took these pictures, Wyatt had shared his favorite bubba with Carly...)

(It reminded me of this picture of Wyatt with Jack's bubba when he was a newborn.  So sweet!)

 Carly was making the sweetest noises the other night when Wyatt woke up with a headache and when he heard her, he said, "I love those cute noises she makes."  I just love navigating my kids through the love of a new sibling.  There's nothing else quite like it.  

 I love how involved they want to be in her care (like today when I bathed her and the boys took pictures for me) and the questions they have.  Wyatt asked three days ago when I am going to paint Carly's toenails.  I thought it was the cutest question.  And it made me feel like he totally gets why I was excited to have a daughter.  

 All in all, I'd say this first week solo-parenting four kids without Josh went swimmingly.  Sure, there's room for improvement, but I'm pretty darn happy with how it went & am thanking the stars above for such a smooth transition.

***

Struggles of Last Week

I have no idea what I'm doing.  I feel like my kids deserve so much better.

Currently I am struggling with behavior from all three of them, plus having a hard time making the mornings look like I want them to look (ie, I can't wake up before them to save my life, and they wake up acting like children! The nerve! and I can't want to deal with fighting while my eyes are still closed.)

Josh will be home soon.  Less than six weeks.  I know that's quick.  But on the hard days (like last Friday and the three days that came before Friday.  And the two days before that...) I remember that even once he comes, he's just going to leave again, and I can start to feel really (really) overwhelmed.

Especially when I think of #4 who will be here in less than twelve weeks.  I can barely handle the three I've got-- between not listening, tantrums and the energy it takes to not only care for them, but act as both parents, emotionally I'm wrung out.

All day long, everything I do, is for my kids.  I feed them, I homeschool them, I entertain them, I read to them, I give them boundaries and rules, I listen to them, I feed them again, I take them places, I teach them things, I make them dinner, I do their laundry, I bathe them, brush them & put them to sleep.  In fact, since Josh left, I have only had my mother-in-law put them to bed once and that was because I was at the hospital to check on Carly (all is well, thankfully) because she'd been giving me what felt like contractions all day.

I am grateful to get to sneak away to book club once a week after they're asleep, and that my mom, sister & mother-in-law are always willing to have them for an afternoon here or there, for appointments and whatnot, but nothing is the same as having your spouse there.  To have him walk in the door and be able to say to him, "Hey babe.  It's your turn. I'm out."

When he was here, he'd bathe them, make their meals and read their bedtime stories.  It was so lovely.  Even though I was always still here (I wanted to be with Josh as much as they did) it was nice to just sit in the rocking chair while he put them to bed.  Or relax in the family room while he made their dinner.

I laid with Wyatt the other night.  It's been a long time. Too long, since I did that, and it was transformative.  It reminded me that if I'm so busy doing, I can all too easily forget to be.  And so I wrapped my arm around his middle and he snuggled into his sheets, a huge smile spread across his face, and he fell asleep, holding my hand.  If I can slow down my days, my parenting, just the tiniest bit, those pieces of joy will float softly down to me, filing the edges off the hard parts.  If I can remember to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the boys; their fights, their tantrums & their behaviors suddenly become more tolerable.

That night, after Wyatt was asleep, I had a parenting epiphany.  I have been, since Josh left in August, bashing my head against the proverbial brick wall.  My number one goal since he left (which I have met no more than six times) was to wake up before the boys.  I believed that morning time makes the best quiet time, and that "good moms" wake up before their children.  Where these ideas came from, I'm not sure.  And as I sat down to examine them in the quiet solitude of my room after bedtime, I realized that they are not in fact truth, but opinions.  

I can just as easily have my "quiet time", to gather my strength and prepare for the next day, in the evening!  My children are generally in bed asleep before 7:30pm.  That leaves plenty of time for lesson planning, goal setting and to-do-list accomplishing.  I also decided that just because an idea has settled in my mind (ie that "good moms" wake up before their kids) doesn't mean I have to let it stay there.  So I sent that little judgmental gem packing!  I can wake up when the kids do and still be a good mom.  Shoot, I can keep sleeping while they play in the morning and still be a good mom!  Coming to these two conclusions took a lot of the pressure off.  

The reasons don't really matter... but waking up before my kids didn't work for a lot of reasons.  Our sleeping situation is one in which I have to go through the boys' room to get to the bathroom (or anywhere else in the house), and since my bedroom is off their bedroom, if I were to light a lamp in my room, they would see that I was awake and perhaps not get all the sleep they need to make for a good day.  I also wouldn't want to go downstairs, where my in-laws have their morning routines established, and have my boys wake up and potentially fight with each other because I'm not there when the light turns green.  For all these reasons (and that I'm seven months pregnant and just kinda tired all.the.time) I decided that I don't need to pressure myself into waking before the boys.  Eventually I know that I would like that to become my "normal" but in the mean time, it's all about doing what works.  

So I will turn night time into MY time and prepare for the day that way.

And I think it will work just beautifully.

***

Just The Worst

And just like that, Josh is gone again.  

We had the most amazing week, and I'm so glad he came... 

but waking up Monday without him again? 

Brutal. Just brutal.

Sunday was the most wonderful day.  Truly idyllic.  We spent a slow morning bathing the boys, then Josh started making homemade pizza for all of us for lunch.  We ate his (insane, amazing, crazy-good) pizza while watching the Seahawks (Go Hawks!) play the Cowboys, all the boys (and Josh) matching in their jerseys.  It was precious.  Josh got me a shirt too when he was out getting pizza ingredients.  I love that he's so thoughtful & wanted me to feel included.

For most of the afternoon all of us were smashed together on the couch downstairs, enjoying pizza and the occasional bite-size candy bar from Halloween.  It was, in a word, perfection.

But before we knew it, the game ended, dinner time was approaching, and the end of our week together was rapidly coming.

We took the boys out to eat (at Red Robin) as we had promised and we had a great dinner.  I was glad the boys were well behaved and all went well at the restaurant because as our time together was coming to a close, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger by the minute.

I had held it together all morning until I saw my toothbrush.  Alone.  In the holder.  All week I so enjoyed watching our toothbrushes co-mingle in that glass jar.

After dinner we came home and put the kids to bed, and the waterworks really started for me.

Watching Josh hug and kiss each of the boys one last time ripped my heart wide open.  I had predicted that I would miss Josh, the boys would miss Josh and Josh would miss me.  My brain had neglected to think of Josh missing the boys after a week with them constantly at his side.  Seeing him crawl into Wyatt's bed for some last snuggles was the most tender, heart wrenching thing I'd seen all week.

And even once we had laid them down & Josh had said his goodbyes, Logan got up again, claiming he "heard" something (which he often says) and as I was assuring him there was nothing, he admitted that really he was sad about Daddy leaving.  So I walked him back into our room, where he collapsed into Josh's arms sobbing.  I stood behind them, silently sobbing as I snapped this most precious picture.  This being apart stuff?  It's just the worst.

As I cried later, I apologized to Josh.  He hugged me and said, "It's okay to be sad.  This is a sad thing."  That permission to feel to my feelings, to cry and feel heartbroken was just what I needed.  

About an hour later, after all the kids fell asleep, Josh said goodbye to his parents and we drove to the airport.  When we got there we parked the car real quick and hugged, me crying semi-hysterically into his shoulder.  He gathered his things and we said "I love you" one last time as he walked by the passenger side of the car.  Then, against every part of my body, I drove away as he walked into the Alaska terminal.  

The drive home was awful.  It feels so wrong to drive away from him.  Every time.  I just have to do it.  I cried harder than I probably have in my entire life on that drive back to the house.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.  I was thinking about this, how hard I cried, how awful it feels to exist without him by my side, and I've decided to accept my feelings as valid.  When you love someone, it makes sense that you would hate to be away from them.  When you love someone, it makes sense that you would want to spend your every day with them.  When you love someone, it makes sense that saying goodbye hurts.

When I got home my eyes were on fire.  But I am blessed to have a support system that is out of this world.  My mom, sister and more friends than I can count were praying for me and thinking of us all day Sunday, so I fell into a deep and restful sleep shortly after returning from the airport.

Monday I woke up early and was in the boys room as they woke up.  Jack seemed a bit melancholy.  When I asked him what was up, he started crying.  He missed daddy, he told me, and was upset that they never got to play baseball together.  I thought dealing with my own emotions was hard, but I was wrong.  Watching them be upset and not being able to do anything about it, that's hard.

This is the first time the boys have cried about Josh leaving, so this is new territory.  My intention is to navigate it with as much kindness and understanding as possible.  To acknowledge their emotions and validate their feelings.  And just be here.  Any time they want to talk.

The good thing is that we did it for three months already, and this time it'll only be two months.  And we know from experience the first few weeks are the worst, and it gradually gets better as the countdown gets closer.  In the meantime, we'll keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time.

***

Randomness

So there are a lot of random pictures on my phone, and they all were taken for a reason... 

so before I delete them, I want to share them here.

I took this one in August shortly after Josh had left.  The moon in the sunset made me so happy, and as much as I was missing Josh, I was so grateful to be here, still enjoying the beautiful warm weather.

And here, I'd been feeling so sad.  So so sad.  I ended many days (for many weeks) in tears, alone in my bed.  It's such a devastating feeling.  For some reason crying during the day is far less dramatic than crying alone into your tear drenched pillow. 

This.

I came across this quote from Gretchen Rubin, whom I adore, and I took a snapshot of it on my phone.  The conversations I walk away from feeling lighter, are always (always!) the ones where the person does not downplay what I'm doing, or try to convince me time's going to "fly right by", but when the person tells me that what I'm doing is hard, and that I am strong, and that it must suck.  That's all a person wants to hear when they're down.  That you hear them, you see them, and it's okay for them to feel how they're feeling.

I took this of my mom and my boys after the big gender reveal party.  I don't know why I love it so much.  Maybe because before this they had been out spotting bats flying at dusk and telling "spooky" stories in the dark garage with flashlights.  Or maybe because knowing the baby was going to be a girl made me feel nostalgic about this last bit of time with only my boys.  Either way, I love it.

We made a {humongous} countdown chain for Josh when we were still a few weeks out from his visit.  It made us so happy to rip off a chain each day and start talking about what we want to do when he's here.

When Josh was first gone, FaceTime was also known as CryTime.  Way less fun and far more depressing than I think was intended.  I couldn't help it. Every time we spoke, and I saw his face, I would lose it.  And if he was at home instead of his classroom? Forget it. Seeing our house was (is) so hard for me.  I miss being there.  

Thankfully, with time, it's gotten better.  Today we FaceTimed and each brother got their turn.  And when they were done, I even got a turn.  It was so nice to visit and to make Josh laugh and let him make me laugh.  I may be having mixed feelings about screens from our book club pick this month, but FaceTime with my husband who is 2,500 miles away is definitely on the Pro side of my Pro/Con list.

Sweet Care Packages:

I told you earlier that my friend Ashley sent me a care package, and I just had to share these pictures because even the notes & packaging were beautiful.  

I kind of wanted to leave them wrapped!

They were so beautiful.
Thank you again, for thinking of me, Ashley.  

You put a bit of sunshine into my week!

***

Well, that's all the randomness for tonight.  Tomorrow I have a post planned all about Baby Girl Cunningham, and tonight is Logan's special night with me, which means I have a little bit of Star Wars on the Wii, plus yummy treats ahead of me still.

So goodnight!